Zodi’s Blog

Idiot Qualifier

I remember a big fuss over how smart I supposedly was at around the age of nine or ten and the fact that the hoopla has died down considerably since then doesn’t diminish the sweet memory of the false sense of superiority it gave me at the time.

 

I was in the fourth grade and it all started with my teacher telling my mom that I was reading at an eleventh grade level. We quickly rushed out and had my IQ tested and when the results came back that it was 163 my mom devoured the news like it was a chocolate filled donut after being on a diet for months for a guy who just took his secretary, his fucking secretary, to Hawaii with him and had the nerve to tell her, just like that, about it. She held onto that 163 like it was a tangible thing that she could hold onto and maybe eat, because fuck that bastard and his slut secretary.

 

When we’d see old friends or meet new people it was the one thing she’d mention in the overly zealous way that Kato Kaelin used to drop his address, at least until all the unpleasantness. She’d say things like, “It’s been in the 70’s all week. Which reminds me, my son’s IQ is 163.” Or, “I’m so sorry to hear your brother died, my son’s IQ is 163.” She was never the family newsletter type but I’m pretty sure she found a way to add that magic number to Christmas cards and tax returns. 

He’s less of a douchebag these days. Now, he’s more like the dirty vagina juice that fills a douchebag.

 

I was smart enough to figure out that I could get away with murder, at least for the moment; I wasn’t shooting bottle rockets at kids I hated on the street, I was testing aerodynamic propulsion theory, and when I accidentally set the school bathroom on fire, or got marbles stuck up my nose, well, she might not be able to explain why I did what I did but I was smart as a whip and that was good enough.

 

The 163 always felt heavy and oppressive, even dangerous, like enhanced uranium in the hands of country without proper sewage treatment. Still, I enjoyed the benefits. When I was in Jr High I’d barely have to study or show up and I’d manage A’s and B’s. It was then that I developed the atrocious habits and lack of focus that would have a far greater effect on my life than that ridiculous number.

It felt like this. Exactly like this.

 

 

About the time I discovered alcohol and drugs and the girls to do them with, my grades had started to plummet. When I actually put effort into math by only smoking one joint before class every day and found myself still struggling, the truth began to set in. I’d known from the start that there was something inherently wrong with a system that called me smart. I barely had object permanence awareness. I never even missed the X, much less was able to solve for it. But I’d eat the shit out of some X when you put it within reach.

 

As I grew older, people gradually stopped using words like brilliant or genius to describe me. Even my mother was surprisingly mute on the subject. By that time I was just the idiot who fell through the glass coffee table or the moron who set the bathroom on fire, again. 

 

When Karen and I both took the test again, albeit online, I wasn’t even surprised when she scored a 162 and I’d dropped to 160. I wasn’t surprised because the test is flawed. This is a woman who can watch a movie or read a book for the first time every week. She has no short term memory (despite never indulging in vice the way I have) and little reasoning skills. She can perform her accounting duties at CPA level but can’t remember if she’s supposed to take 3 or 5 Tylenol for a headache or how to order lunchmeat at the deli. When she distrusts someone she’ll say that they have “an interior motive.” When I ask her if she’s ‘lost her words’ again, she’ll invariably say, “exterior… Right?” 

 

I’m not one to point fingers either. I couldn’t put together an IKEA coffee table (to replace the one I fell through) if you gave me directions and a sharp turning stick. –I’m being told that I’m referencing a screwdriver.

She’s just like him only less revengy. And without the cool tats.

 

 

I’m not sure whether it was all the partying or an undiagnosed case of ADD but I know now that I’m nothing special. Sometimes when I’m feeling inadequate or insecure I’ll tell people that I have a monster IQ and that I could really be ‘doing something’ but I no longer buy into my own bullshit. Whatever it does mean, it doesn’t fucking translate to my beautiful mind.             

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April 10, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , ,

56 Comments »

  1. I tested real smart like in school too
    funny thing though is that only made my parents hate me even more
    who the fuck was I to break family tradition?

    I too did the drugs and sex instead of school yet always passed the tests
    until I got pregnant
    now that’s a fucking test!!

    I adore your beautiful mind

    Comment by dianne | April 10, 2011 | Reply

    • My dad was a brilliant alcoholic loser so she shouldn’t have been surprised at all.

      I’d say that pregnancy is the toughest test that you can take at any age. It’s like the SAT’s if the SAT’s where on steroids then got in a really bad mood then went out and smoked some crack.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 11, 2011 | Reply

  2. I feel so inadequate – my best level of the IQ test was only 160 but I was such a nerd that I only hung out with the smarty pants kids and missed the fun of the drugs and sex.

    Fun post Scott.

    Comment by Danny | April 10, 2011 | Reply

    • Drugs and sex were fun but that stuff doesn’t last. I mean, it’s still lasting now… but you know, in general terms, it just doesn’t last. Eventually you have to put down the tiger blood and step away from the Goddesses.

      Thanks Danny!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 11, 2011 | Reply

  3. I tested reading at the college level in 2nd grade – no one took me for IQ testing. My son tested reading at the college level in 6th grade. I still tease him about being 4 years behind me in reading. LOL.

    Comment by Evil Twin's Wife | April 10, 2011 | Reply

    • My only problem was that reading seemed to be the only thing I ever excelled at. I still read three or four books a week but it’s not bringing me in any money. It doesn’t even look that good on a resume.

      Thanks Evil Twin’s Wife!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 11, 2011 | Reply

  4. Why do they torture kids with those stupid IQ tests? When I scored in psudo-genius level my mom was like “well, of course.” She is very smart and expected me to be the same. When I got straight A’s it was no big deal. Then came college and shit go real and my lack of any study skills doomed me. I’m okay not being a genius. Too much pressure.

    Comment by Amy | April 10, 2011 | Reply

    • My lack of study skills/motivation/caring doomed me from the eleventh grade. I made a short run at college but then got lucky in other ….endeavors. Which, now that I think about it, wasn’t so damn lucky at all. I still think about going back sometimes.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 11, 2011 | Reply

  5. Intelligence + attitude = success

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | April 10, 2011 | Reply

    • Damn Dave, you know I suck at math.

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 11, 2011 | Reply

  6. Hey there!

    Your IQ score is indeed something to brag about. If I were in your place, I would help my Mom brag. But seriously no, I am a humble person that brags whenever I feel the need to. I like flaunting my being smart and intelligent. I think I’m going borderline narcissistic in here.

    I like the close-to-psychosis thing going on around in here. IQ can be enhanced but you will probably die with the same IQ or score lower. If you were born with a 163, you can’t go over that. But who determines the cut off points in IQ tests anyway? They’re dumb.

    When people start to have vices, people think their intelligence goes away with a puff of smoke or loss of vitamin Bs. The bad outweighs the good for most of the time.

    Comment by HalfCrazy | April 10, 2011 | Reply

    • If I had to brag I’d much rather brag about my gigantic penis and deadly accurate skill with Chinese throwing stars but I can’t because my penis isn’t close to gigantic and my Chinese throwing star skills are only slight above average, at best.

      I’m pretty sure that my IQ will continue dropping from here on out. My ‘puffs of smoke’ are generally more syringe like and my ‘loss of vitamin b’ is more of a loss of vitamin b only it’s being drained out of me with a syringe.

      Thanks HalfCrazy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 12, 2011 | Reply

  7. My wife screws up sayings too all the time. When she does, I just tell her she is having another “Vowel Movement”

    Comment by Bearman | April 10, 2011 | Reply

    • Vowel movement is great. Especially when you’ve been vowel constipated for so long.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 12, 2011 | Reply

  8. Great post. I have read that smart people drink and do drugs more. It’s a curse, I suppose, but I wouldn’t know because I’m one of those dumb partiers.

    Comment by Dr. Ken | April 10, 2011 | Reply

    • I’ve read the same thing. There’s a movie out about a drug that allows you to use 100% of your brain. It sounds like the best of both worlds.

      Thanks Dr. Ken!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 12, 2011 | Reply

  9. Funny, as always. Maybe you should do a post on all those mixed up words. The best one I ever heard was: ‘There she was, all dressed up in her nun’s habitat.’

    Comment by karen lee thompson | April 10, 2011 | Reply

    • Great idea! I think that nuns should have their own habitat. They’d be much less aggressive if they were free to roam and hunt in God’s wilderness. They’d be less dangerous creatures for sure.

      Thanks Karen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 12, 2011 | Reply

  10. Those mixed up words are called eggcorns. Recently I saw one on someone’s blog… “my wife lived next store to me when we were growing up”

    Comment by nursemyra | April 10, 2011 | Reply

    • I do it all the time as well but mine are usually typos. I’m also into Freudian lingerie.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 12, 2011 | Reply

  11. Mishearings become concrete in people’s vocabulary. Uiver and I argue about the phrase “one fell swoop” which he says is “one foul swoop”.

    I think IQ should bot be used without a number of other tools to nurture childhood gifts. Peer relationships and goal-setting (plus achieving) are the real indicators of a kid’s EQ – Emotional Quotient.

    Hilariously told story, tell us more about your misspent youth!

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | April 10, 2011 | Reply

    • I completely agree with your second paragraph. I know that for me my emotional immaturity (still to this day) has held me back from fulfilling any kind of potential. I haven’t even lived up to the potential of one of those helmeted window lickers yet.

      I’ve been experimenting with this style of writing, and I enjoy it, so I will definitely bring you more, thanks!

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 12, 2011 | Reply

  12. When I was a kid they gave us IQ tests and I remember asking my mother how I did. She was like “Uh, ohhhhhh yeah … you did reeeeeeeely great, oh super high!”

    Then sometime later, I asked again and she as all like “Well, that test they used wasn’t a legitimate IQ test. I don’t know what it was, but don’t worry about it.”

    So, I’ve never worried about it. ha 😉

    Comment by Jay | April 11, 2011 | Reply

    • Haha! She was probably just trying to save you from all the undue stress and pressure that knowing the results of those ridiculous tests usually bring.

      And my mom used to do the same thing to me when I’d ask her if it was me who drove my dad off and to an early, alcohol soaked grave. But I knew better.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 12, 2011 | Reply

  13. People make me feel like a half wit a lot and in ways I agree, but in other ways I wonder why they are so dumb. You are so brilliant. Your IQ is that of a god. Nifty. F math!

    Comment by Lisa | April 11, 2011 | Reply

    • No one should make you feel dumb Lisa, point them out to me and I’ll get my legion of midget whores to beat them with dead fish. (I started a new business.)

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 13, 2011 | Reply

      • Some jerk stole one of my posts. No credit at all. Can I have a midget?

        Comment by Lisa | April 14, 2011 | Reply

        • Holy shit, you can have two. Keep em.

          Thanks Lisa!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 15, 2011 | Reply

  14. Haha, I always guessed you were around a 157, so apparently I’ve shorted you…my bad. My parents never told me my score, but I am pretty sure it’s in the triple digits. Funny shit Scott.

    Comment by Fundamental Jelly | April 11, 2011 | Reply

    • Don’t worry FJ, by now it’s dropped to at least that. I figure that from here on out I’m going to lose 2 or 3 points a week until I die or get kicked out. Just like Obama’s approval rating I guess.

      Yea, yours is high. As a Lohan.

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 13, 2011 | Reply

  15. My IQ is 3.
    One is on holiday one died and the other asleep.
    It’s good to have a big IQ.
    Personally i’m just grateful for my big ….

    Comment by Artswebshow | April 11, 2011 | Reply

    • Your big what? Personality? Web show dealio? White girl? What?

      Thanks Artswebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 13, 2011 | Reply

  16. Dude, quite brilliant for an IQ challenged kind of dude! Loved it.

    I have a similar one of that number, and have tasted the bitterness that comes with it.

    When I was interviewed by the physics teacher to see if I was ready for physics as a high school junior, he said, “Jammer, with an IQ like that, you should find the class easy for you.”

    My reply, “Cool. So how long before we start working with explosives?”

    It’s shit like that we’re cursed with.

    Comment by jammer5 | April 11, 2011 | Reply

    • You know what they say about intelligence quotient; it’s a bittersweet symphony. Actually, it’s only the English alternative rock band The Verve that says that and I think they were talking about something else altogether.

      Ahh physics. You must be one of those legendary left brained people. I’m right brained and refuse to get anywhere near math. All I’ve ever been good at is reading comprehension.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 13, 2011 | Reply

      • English rock bands are known for their mental dexterity. Sid Viscous being the main dude on that one.

        Comment by jammer5 | April 13, 2011 | Reply

        • So true Jammer, great point!

          Thanks Jammer!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 14, 2011 | Reply

  17. It’s not the size of the IQ that matters, it’s how you use it, or something like that.

    My boss is terrible about mixing her metaphors and screwing up sayings. She talks about “the whole enchanada” and pronounces huge as uge!

    Comment by Reb | April 11, 2011 | Reply

    • I’d feel a whole lot better about that statement if it was referring to my penis… since my IQ is of adequate size. (At least that’s what they tell me in a weirdly condescending way.)

      The whole Enchanada is a Mexican club dance. I think.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 13, 2011 | Reply

  18. I was an underachiever in school and it pissed my mom off to no end that my IQ test score was pretty high and I brought home straights c’s and d’s. Turns out no matter how well you test if you don’t ever do homework they hold it against you.

    Anyway, I’m not so sure the number matters as most days I’m pretty sure my brains’ only function is to decide how to fix my hair in the a.m. and make sure my shoes match before I leave the house.

    Comment by Rev D | April 11, 2011 | Reply

    • That’s pretty much been my life story as well. As a senior I missed 58 (record!) days of school and still passed, albeit barely. I’ve never had any discipline have never been overly motivated to do anything that Don Henley wouldn’t write a song about.

      Yea, but I bet your hair and shoes are fucking great!

      Thanks Rev D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 13, 2011 | Reply

  19. Fuck, this is like reading my own diary. My teacher told my parents the same thing.

    My mom couldn’t believe it, she’d recently come to accept the fact that the only doors opening in my future would be the ones in front of the local KMart, where I’d be given the title of “Greeter Specialist.”

    Comment by bschooled | April 11, 2011 | Reply

    • I disagree; this is not like your diary at all. I’ve read your diary and it could go straight to Hollywood. Or at least to a Lifetime Original Movie of the Week. But the good kind, not the wife beaty or rapey kind.

      You’re way better than a K-Mart greeter. K-Mart should soon be selling your diary. If not your new line of watches.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 13, 2011 | Reply

  20. Hysterical post! Love it!

    W/regards to IQ; however, I am not convinced of the veracity of the testing. IQ measures potential for performance. If one doesn’t perform, it seems the number would be meaningless. If someone does perform, why do we need to attach a number to that ability?

    A high IQ can cause unrealistic expectations in educators as well as the reverse (children who test “low” are EXPECTED to be poor performers and thus are treated as such by their teachers – this has been demonstrated in numerous studies).

    Lately, poor student achievement has been on my mind. Apparently, you post was thought-provoking as well as a thigh-slappin’ good time!

    Comment by Desert Rat | April 11, 2011 | Reply

    • “Apparently, YOUR post…” – good grief!

      Comment by Desert Rat | April 11, 2011 | Reply

      • That was just a typo. At least you didn’t say “you’re post” or something.

        BTW your sexy with you’re typo.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 13, 2011 | Reply

    • This is the most intelligent thing that I’ve read so far in regards to this topic. I never did gain the necessary study skills or discipline to make it in academia. Come to think of it I never did gain the necessary work ethic or discipline to make it the grown up world either. I’m like a modern day Peter Pan, only without the green tights. (They make my ass look too big.)

      You reminded me of the fourth season of The Wire with this comment. Now I have to re-watch it… Yay!

      Thanks Desert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 13, 2011 | Reply

  21. I don’t think I have ever been subjected to an IQ test. As interesting as it sounds I’m terrified I will find out I’m legally handicapped. Although, would that get me a tax break or cheaper movie tickets?

    Comment by Knight | April 13, 2011 | Reply

    • Haha, I think you’d be more likely to find that you’re Mensa material Knight. On the other hand, if it did go the other way you’d not only be eligible for tax breaks and cheaper tickets but also a cool helmet and a free shortbus!

      Thanks Knight!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 14, 2011 | Reply

  22. I had no doubt that you’re a genius.

    Slightly warped, but a geniues none the less.

    Comment by Candice | April 14, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m definitely warped, in more ways than one. But I’m glad you think I’m brilliant, hot, stunning and sexy.

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 15, 2011 | Reply

  23. If you fail the IQ test does it mean you can get a handicap parking sticker? A person who hates friggin parking wants to know!!!!

    Comment by Friggin Loon | April 16, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m not sure what number would be a fail? I’m pretty sure that anything below Lindsey Lohan’s BAC.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 17, 2011 | Reply

  24. Back when i was coming up the kids that figured how to mix alcohol and mouthwash they were the smart kids or the kid that could turn a soda can into a bong yeap einstein right there…I suppose smart is all relative..me i have always thought common sense outranks IQ..how many people you know are great around the house fixing shit and are tool geniuses but couldnt tell you where in the hell Jakarta is….smart..to me smart is knowing that a pot plant in planted in the backyard and dont tell the neighbors cause 1 you have to share and 2 you didnt know tom was a deputy sheriff…..zman sends

    Comment by zmanowner | April 16, 2011 | Reply

    • I remember those same guys but I knew them from jail. They were really impressive wine makers considering that they only had rotten fruit, sugar packets, a garbage bag and the inside of a toilet to work with. They could also light a cigarette using nothing but batteries and a Brillo pad!

      Thanks Z-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 17, 2011 | Reply

  25. “It’s been in the 70’s all week. Which reminds me, my son’s IQ is 163.”—Hilarious!

    You’re in FL, right? I was down there last week. I think my flight number was 163 on the way down, and 160 on the way back. Weird.

    Comment by thoughtsappear | April 17, 2011 | Reply

    • That’s really weird! We should play those numbers in the three digit for sure. Where were you guys at? One of the port cities, I assume.

      Thanks Thoughts Appear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 17, 2011 | Reply


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