Zodi’s Blog

Ryan Air = Time Share

It was my wife who first pointed out the similarities between Ryan Air’s business practices and the shady dealings of time share pitchmen/hostage takers. Once I begun shifting through the grainy, overexposed, somehow Dali-esqe memories I have of those flights, I knew that she was right. The similarities are obvious; get a great vacation (or at least to your vacation destination) for a ridiculously cheap price in exchange for a few hours of your time. Sure you’ll suffer a little annoyance and inconvenience, maybe have to deal with an obnoxious salesperson or two but then you’re done. –Just like with a time share.

 

I think you’ll appreciate the subtle nuances in the similarities between the two situations. I find them quietly charming.

 

Once Ryan Air begins the boarding process it’s all about people herding. They make you stand in line for an hour, narrow the lanes with those little vinyl ropes and plastic poles, make you move up fourteen feet, cull the herd by picking off a few of the lame or elderly, narrow the lanes again then move you up seven feet while glaring and swearing at you and occasionally stabbing you with an electrified cattle prod. I believe that this is done purely to assert their dominance as the alpha class and loosen your resistance to utter, soul crushing domination. They basically just make you their bitch.

Boarding procedures shown here.

 

Once you’re allowed to board you have to present your thrice shredded ticket to the First Steward who then rips it from your trembling fingers and throws it to the ground while turning his pant pocket inside out. This you must hold submissively while you are escorted to your seat and while the other attendants jeer, whistle and spit at you. From this point on you will be not be able to move about the cabin without your ‘sponsor attendant.’ I saw one man attempt to disregard this rule to take his young son to the restroom and the resulting beat down/anal gang rape, while sickening and horrifying, did serve to present a lesson. After all, rules are rules.

First Steward Bagwell. You will call him Daddy.

 

Once you’re allowed to claim your seat, you’ll enjoy a brief moment of peace during takeoff. This may lull you into a false sense of security and when you’re offered coffee you may stupidly accept. If so, the stewardess will promptly pour tar flavored battery acid in your cup/lap and then demand $2.50 with a malicious cackle. From this point on, it’s on and poppin’ like a Redenbacher with a cheap crack pipe. Every time you allow yourself to let down your guard and relax another demonic attendant will appear with the rustle of blue polyester and the smell of hair spray and spermicide, either to humiliate you with unprovoked violence or to bully you into buying one of their endless wares. 

 

They start out with the $2.50 ‘complimentary coffee’ then proceed to $5 hot dogs and burgers. Then comes the alcohol cart and this has the exact effect you’d think it would in such an unpredictable and dangerous environment. Like a fucking match in a meth lab. Then they tease any and all children with toys until the parents finally relent and buy a Chinese made, lead painted, Dora the Explorer for the price that would actually buy a Mexican child. Then they hawk perfume, cosmetics, clothing, jewelry, cigarettes that don’t smoke, cigars that won’t light and then follow that up by throwing all the leftover wine on you so they can sell you the wet wipes to clean it up.

Actual Mexican children not shown.

 

They already charge a luggage fee, a seat tax and rumor has it that they are contemplating charging for use of the restrooms and cabin oxygen, both being purely optional of course. During my last flight I was lucky enough to get in the shitter before it became a premium service and once I latched the door another sadistic stewardess popped down from the ceiling and cut lines of coke and ecstasy on the sink and fixed a rig with junk in case I was in the mood for a little recreational heroin.

Selection may vary. But not by much.

 

AND THAT’S HOW THEY FUCKING GET YOU!

 

After I’m floating in a narcotic induced utopia I always seem to devolve into frenzied consumerism, opting for both the blow job and the tied twins while paying to watch midgets beat hookers with dead salmon in the engine room and before I know it I’m spending money hand over foot… no, no, shit, that was a knee, the knee of a dead fucking midget and everything has just gone to hell and now I bought the fucking scratch off too… shit.

Midgets may be larger than they appear in catalog. Dead midget not shown.

 

 Just like a god damned time share pitch thing.

 

-In hindsight I realize that I wasn’t qualified to quantify that comparison since I’ve never actually experienced a time share meeting and only have the vaguest notion of what it would be like. I guess I just assumed that it is a drug and sex filled orgy in a maximum security prison atmosphere and where annoying, androgynous yet abusive types try to sell you hot dogs and scratch off lottery tickets plus or minus a few dead midget prostitutes.   

 

Update: I’ve been informed that time share pitch meetings usually end with more dead midget prostitutes.

Update X2: I’ve been informed that you apparently can NOT buy actual Mexican children on board.

Update X3: I’ve just been informed that while you can not ‘buy’ actual Mexican children on board you can, in fact, obtain actual Mexican children but only for the express purposes of adoption.    

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April 17, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

38 Comments »

  1. Midgets kick ass!
    I’m here first.
    I’d buy Dora. I think she would be fun to hang out with and she could teach me Spanish.
    Happy Easter, Scott!

    Comment by Lisa | April 17, 2011 | Reply

    • Midget’s do kick ass, literally. With a polished, black leather, studded boot. God I love em!

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 18, 2011 | Reply

      • I didnt realize it wasnt Easter yet yesterday.

        I hope you come by my blog sometime. I miss what you gotta say.

        Comment by Lisa | April 18, 2011 | Reply

        • I’ll be by shortly. I do try to hit it at least once a week… your blog I mean.

          Thanks Lisa!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 18, 2011 | Reply

  2. As Archer says (yes, I’m plugging this show again): “Don’t call them hookers; they’re proud of their job. Call them prostitutes.”

    (As is noted later, once they’re dead and in your trunk, the proper terminology is “hooker.”)

    This is all very funny and very disturbing stuff, Scott. Fortunately, RyanAir doesn’t “service” the US, so you have to get all your abuse from TSA agents. It’s pretty much the same thing only without hookers/prostitutes. Oh, and on domestic flights, all the hidden charges stay hidden. USA! USA! USA!

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | April 17, 2011 | Reply

    • Ok, that’s it. I will download that show today and watch it tonight. But now you have to watch every episode of every season of The Wire.

      That’s the one nice thing about Europe; their version of the TSA doesn’t give even half of a shit. Otherwise my ecstasy hula hoop ring would never have worked as well as it did.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 18, 2011 | Reply

  3. Never heard of this racket but found this site as well who seems to echo your sentiments

    http://davefaq.com/Opinions/RyanAir-Sucks/

    and I thought you were kidding.

    Comment by Bearman | April 17, 2011 | Reply

    • I would never kid about dead midget prostitutes. Never.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 18, 2011 | Reply

  4. No question, it’s the same business model. BTW I just spent three days in Florida and bought four Tim Dorsey books to help me decompress! I’ll let you know how it goes.

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | April 17, 2011 | Reply

    • Where were you? I love Tim Dorsey. I got to have a beer with him several times. He’s a great guy and an interesting history buff.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 18, 2011 | Reply

      • We flew into Ft. Meyers, rented a car and drove north on 75. We spent time in Clearwater and also visited a retired friend at The Villages. That was really surreal and worthy of a few blog posts!

        I’m really enjoying Dorsey–he must be fun to talk to. I’m glad to hear he’s a bona fide history buff–now I can believe everything Serge says!

        Comment by Thomas Stazyk | April 23, 2011 | Reply

        • I’m 20 minutes out of Clearwater. Next time you come let me know and I’ll buy you lunch or something.

          You can believe every word about Florida history. Whether you can kill a man with a flashlight battery and an egg timer is another story.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 24, 2011 | Reply

          • Thanks, would love to meet up–not sure when/if I’ll be around next. I’ve finished Florida Roadkill and am working on Orange Crush–the guy is great. I bought Orange Crush used on Amazon. The seller warned “some pen marks.” Turns out the pen marks are Dorsey’s autograph.

            Comment by Thomas Stazyk | May 7, 2011 | Reply

  5. Scott

    So what your saying is the whole experience was thoroughly enjoying and you wouldnt have traded for anything. Not even a BJ from Kirstie alley while sharing a pipe with charlie sheen..cause thats an easy choice for me……zman sends…

    Comment by ZMAN | April 17, 2011 | Reply

    • Exactly! And yes to the pipe with Sheen but no to the blow job from any Scientologist. They’re too bitey.

      Thanks Z-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 18, 2011 | Reply

  6. I thought it was the “gratuitous service industry?”

    Uh oh, you just pushed a button: We got “slightly” bent over by the good folks at US Air. Aside from a 3+ hour flight where you had to pay for pretty much anything but water, what irritated me to no end was that the people in Zone 5 (oh, hey, that’s my zone), were encouraged/forced to check their luggage because there was a full flight, and gee, after they started charging for luggage, surprise, everyone wants to carry ALL their shit on board (and everyone that boarded before us took up the bin space). They weren’t going to charge for *this* checkage, but it would eliminate all possibility of a hasty retreat from the throng of irate passengers once we had landed. [I did not check my bag – I sort of hid it on my other shoulder as I boarded.]

    If they’re so hung up on weight and fuel charges, I think they ought to just start charging passengers by the pound. Your body + your luggage = your price. Just like the post office. Go ahead and slap a stamp on my ass – I’d pay it!

    Think it’s not fair? People are already paying for their fuel that way in their personal vehicles. I know I getter better mileage in my car than if a 300-pounder was driving the same thing. It’s physics, baby!

    Comment by Desert Rat | April 17, 2011 | Reply

    • Ahh the joys of travel. I’m lucky that I’ve settled down so much and/or upped my benzo/opiate intake, whatever way you want to look at it, because when I was younger I would have caused a scene almost every flight for something or other. Now I just try to roll with the punches and roll on the ecstasy.

      I hate checking a bag. If I can get by in Paris for two weeks with two pairs of pants, underwear, socks and 4 shirts, total, I will. I’d rather be anal gang raped by the TSA than check a bag.

      And I’d love to see that stamp on your ass. I might even slap in on myself!

      Thanks Desert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 18, 2011 | Reply

  7. When you say “selection may vary”, does that mean I could get a line of speed instead? Coke doesn’t interact well with my other meds.

    Comment by nursemyra | April 17, 2011 | Reply

    • Oh for sure! Whatever you need. What meds don’t interact well with blow? Uh oh..

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 18, 2011 | Reply

  8. Do Ryan Air allow passengers to bring their own bedpans? They might be worth flying if they do.

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | April 17, 2011 | Reply

    • Not yet, but you just gave me a great business idea.

      Thanks Gorilla Bananas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 18, 2011 | Reply

  9. After a few zig zags around Asia, I’m almost prepared to say that budget airlines are not worth the trauma.

    Amusingly, my parents are part of a time-share holiday accommodation thing that started in the late 80s. While I would NEVER ever even contemplate that path, the folks seem to benefit from its allegedly cheaper prices.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | April 17, 2011 | Reply

    • One of my many regrets was not exploring Asia at all while I was at least closer. I had planned to at least see Thailand and Vietnam but it just never happened.

      I’m sure a time share itself is just fine assuming that the people you share with are willing to compromise on peak months. The pitch meetings have got to be straight out of hell though.

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 18, 2011 | Reply

  10. WTF is with all those nude travelers without genitals, Viagra fueled pervs want to know? The ex-ray machine make em drop off? Shit, dude, no wonder they feed you assorted meds of the recreational variety. I’m doing an itinerary with reservations as I type.

    Comment by jammer5 | April 17, 2011 | Reply

    • I hadn’t noticed that they were lacking genatilia till you pointed it out. All that praying must have paid off for the fundamentalist Christians because Europe really did pay an awful price (apparently) for their wicked ways.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 18, 2011 | Reply

  11. I am an ice-queen in those time share spiels. That guy can leave the room all he wants to “get approval for this extra-super discounted rate from his supervisor” all he wants. I’m just there for the free shit, buddy. My husband on the other hand is a big sucker. I have to constantly kick him under the table and remind him to keep his eyes on the prize. Half of the stuff we did on our honeymoon was free because we spent 20 minutes listening to some poor schmuck try to sell us a time share.
    Now I know to never let my husband set foot on to a Ryan Air flight.

    Comment by Amy | April 18, 2011 | Reply

    • I need to marry you then. I’m so god damn bad at saying no that I always come home with a pocket full of drugs that I don’t even do when I have to venture into the ghetto for something. Which is more often than you’d think. Will you do me a favor and see if your husband is interested in 67 loose pieces of crack and a dime bag of pot?

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 18, 2011 | Reply

  12. Wow! I am glad I can’t afford to fly anywhere these days! Although I’m probably the only person who actually liked Bagwell 😉

    Comment by Reb | April 18, 2011 | Reply

    • Are you kidding? I loved T-Bag. He was the one of the best characters ever written for TV. He had a one episode role on Breakout Kings.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 19, 2011 | Reply

  13. I think i’ll sail instead. lol

    Comment by Artswebshow | April 19, 2011 | Reply

    • Hey, if you’ve got the boat, I got the 15 kilos of raw to stuff in the hull.

      Thanks Art!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 19, 2011 | Reply

  14. I recognize the boarding procedure
    I was so fucking embarassed as I hadn’t waxed in awhile

    Comment by dianne | April 22, 2011 | Reply

    • You can imagine my embarrassment at having failed to remove the packing tape, or the packing, from my inner thighs.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 23, 2011 | Reply

  15. I always enjoy the images you use in your posts – they add to the overall humour, and complement your writing very nicely.

    Comment by gazingatnavels | April 23, 2011 | Reply

    • Thanks GG, Lord Google above provides all that we could ever desire. In His name, Search.

      Thanks GG!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 23, 2011 | Reply


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