Zodi’s Blog

Easter Sundry.

For as long as I can remember Easter was my least favorite holiday. I’d much preferred every other Sunday of the year where I was free to roam the streets honing my unique awkwardness. I was never big on cheap, mass produced candy. I’d always try to prolong and savor the only thing I really loved, the peanut butter melt-a-way egg, by only eating a sliver or two a day but it would always magically disappear while I slept at night. My mom told me that was why it was called a melt-a-way egg; because if you didn’t eat it fast it would melt-a-way until in was ‘all gone’ but I always suspected she was using my fucking Easter chocolate as a coping mechanism. Probably for the guilt she felt at eating my Easter chocolate. Or maybe it had to do with her sex life. I try not to think too much about the whys. 

I feel the same sort of ambivalence.

 

It didn’t help that this was also the only time of the year that we had to go to church, a place that I never felt comfortable. I felt that at any moment, the pries,t or a gaggle of alter boys, or perhaps the statues themselves, were going to suddenly glare at me and point with shaking fingers, saying, “You!” as if they saw me steal that packet of gum or maybe saw what I made my GI JOE do to Princess Leia. They wouldn’t even blame her for being such a royal slut. Had I had any inclination of the maelstrom of future lawsuits coming against the RCC I would have confessed it all to the first priest I saw with a slight lisp and dressed as a pool boy. Would I shatter my youthful innocence and pimp out my own young ass for tens of millions? In retrospect, yes. Even without the retrospect, yes. I’ll do it right now if someone has 13 million for a 38 year old anal virgin. Seriously.

 

Even when I was young and naive and still held a modicum of respect for religion, I found the Easter story to be horrific, sad and completely incongruous. I could always get into Christmas, what with the eggnog and Rudolph and Frosty and lights and toys to open and the winter solstice to sacrifice a goat to and Christmas cards to check for money, but as far back as I remember I was freaked out by the eclectic mix of contradiction and weirdness that was thrown at me on the third Sunday in April.

 

At least I would understand the case for a chocolate Buddha.

 

 

Looking back I can see why; because this was the way that my young mind interpreted the Easter Story…..

 

The human race (they were all brown) was stuck in a rut and God was really sad that he kept having to send almost everybody who’d ever lived to be burnt up and tortured for eternity so he hatched a plan. He’d shoot his seed (I thought it was a watermelon seed) into a virgin’s stomach without defiling her. (Which I thought meant he didn’t get poop on her.) This also fulfilled ancient prophesy by allowing Jesus to have direct lineage to David without actually being related to David(wait what?) since Joseph didn’t get to put a watermelon seed in Mary’s belly. 

 

Jesus did amazing things and helped all the people and shone his little light on me and everybody. He wrestled with Satan (managed by Bobby Heenan) in the desert and kicked his butt. Then Judas (also managed by Heenan) double crossed him by turning gay and trying to kiss his mouth. There was a big kerfuffle and when Bobby Heenan’s ear got cut off, Jesus felt bad so he agreed to go be tortured and murdered because he knew he was God so the prosecution wouldn’t be able to ‘make it stick.’

 

Bobby Heenan showing off his ear transplant. He's a proud man.

 

He was bullied and beaten (I’d imagined with a wooden spoon) for a long time and it was mean and horrible. Then the bad far-a-sees hung him up on my Uncle’s jewelry medallion thingy but it wasn’t gold it was wooden. Because nobody’s that rich. Then he hung there and died and everybody was really sad and crying. His friends took his body and put it in a cave with a bear. (I think I thought there was a bear in every cave?) Everybody went to look three days later but the body was all gone. (I remember that this made me want to steal a corpse, strangely.)

 

Jesus came back to life three days later but nobody believed him even though he still looked like Jesus. Then one of his friends stuck his finger in Jesus’ rib-hole, like some kinda sicko, and then everybody knew that it was really Jesus. Because if you can finger it, it’s supernaturally alive. (I still believe this.)  Then everybody was like, “Holy crap!” And Jesus was like, “I freaking told you guys!” then he took off into the air like Superman but he never came back and everybody was all like, “Is he coming back again?… … … Jesus?” Then everybody cried some more and wrote really long letters and stuff.

 

So God split himself in two and made half of himself be tortured and killed as a sacrifice to himself so that the other half of himself could stop the other half of himself from burning and torturing human beings just as long as they said ‘sorry’ and ‘thanks’ and had magic water dropped on their head when they were a baby. And God knew that he’d be ok because he knew that it would only be two really bad days in an otherwise awesome life and after the really bad two days he’d get an awesome eternity which was made even awesomer now that God had himself to talk to. Then, the two one-Gods made a third one-God of themselves and called it the Holy Spirit and its job was to kill archeologists who found the Ark of the Covenant and to possess a giant bunny rabbit named after a pagan goddess and take a bunch of crappy candy and one delicious melt-a-way egg and hide them all over my apartment on the spring equinox.

If Frank doesn't remind you of fertility then you're just not human.

 

Now that I’m grown and *totally understand* Easter, I still don’t like it. All the bars and restaurants are closed, the city is dead, and nothing’s even on TV. The only thing I still enjoy are small slivers of my melt-a-way egg, before it all magically disappears on the nights that my wife stays up later than me. Maybe they really do melt-a-way.     

 

     

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April 24, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

55 Comments »

  1. So you thought that pooping on virgins was a normal thing for regular guys to do? Maybe it was when there were no flush toilets and virgins had to do housework. I wonder if Cinderella’s step father pooped on her?

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | April 24, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m thinking that Cinderella definitely did have poop on her. I’m pretty sure that’s how the 2 girls One Cup thing got started.

      Thanks GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 26, 2011 | Reply

  2. Your explanation is just as valid as everyone else’s… and a whole lot funnier! It’s great being an adult, you can skip the crappy chocolate and go out and buy the good stuff now 😉

    Comment by Reb | April 24, 2011 | Reply

    • I know, right? And by ‘good stuff’ I assume that you mean blow and high priced hookers? Or did you mean melt-a-way eggs?

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 26, 2011 | Reply

  3. “put it in a cave with a bear”

    This Bear had nothing to do with that or any other cave.

    Comment by Bearman | April 24, 2011 | Reply

    • Now you’re telling me that you had nothing to do with Jesus missing corpse?

      What?

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 26, 2011 | Reply

  4. Actually, Scott, your version sounds more plausible than the “true” story. Too bad Mary stole the whole “God knocked me up” line, ’cause I’m sure a lot of teens would like to latch on to that one now – but no one is gonna believe it. Better off telling your shot-gun-toting Paw that it was a giant swan.

    And although December 25th is carved in stone, I just KNOW there’s a reason for the “first Sunday after the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox” thing, but even as a scientist, I’m not quite grasping the logic.

    Put your melt-away egg in the freezer in a package labeled “dead mice.” Works every time.

    Comment by Desert Rat | April 24, 2011 | Reply

    • You just gave me the best idea for a short story EVER. A teenage girl gets knocked up by a neer’ do well, rebel swan… hilarity ensues. Thanks!

      The problem is that I already keep my drugs in the ‘dead mice’ box in the freezer.

      Thanks Desert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 26, 2011 | Reply

  5. Best thing about Easter is the great “Chocolate Bunny 50% Sale” the Monday and Tuesday after Easter at Walgreens.

    Comment by Jay | April 24, 2011 | Reply

    • Ain’t that the truth! I’ma totally gonna be there!

      Comment by Desert Rat | April 24, 2011 | Reply

      • I’ll meet you in the chocolate covered pain relief isle. (By the condoms.)

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 26, 2011 | Reply

    • And I’m back in the country to enjoy Walgreens. My favorite is the chocolate covered opiate.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 26, 2011 | Reply

  6. “Because if you can finger it, it’s supernaturally alive.”
    See, that’s why I like you, Scott. Somewhere deep within the humorous commentary, you plant a nugget of knowlege that the reader can walk away with and use in their daily lives. Did I laugh? Yes. But, dammit, if you didn’t make me learn something, too. I think that’s how Jesus would have wanted it.

    Seriously, though, you are waaayy too trusting with your candy. Learn to hide that shit, man!

    Comment by Amy | April 24, 2011 | Reply

    • Exactly! I mean he wouldn’t just leave his meth laying around – so what’s up with the egg?!

      Comment by Desert Rat | April 24, 2011 | Reply

      • I know, right?

        Comment by Amy | April 25, 2011 | Reply

      • The best part? I swear to Morgan Freeman that I didn’t see your comment when I left mine. Meth is on the mind today!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 26, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m all about planting nuggets of truth Amy. God knows that my planting nuggets of meth farming initiative isn’t working out AT ALL.

      Maybe I can teach you about truth finding and you can teach me about meth farming?

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 26, 2011 | Reply

      • I don’t farm. If it doesn’t actively beg to be fed (pets, husband, etc.) then I can’t keep it alive. Maybe if we could figure out a way to graft meth on to a rat’s back and grow it that way like they are doing with human ears and whatnot.

        Comment by Amy | April 26, 2011 | Reply

        • I’m pretty sure that if you ever do meth it actually does actively beg to be ‘fed.’ And you may just have a billion dollar idea. Rat/meth! Three birds with one stone. We’d be taking care of the meth problem, the meth addict problem and the rat problem all at once. Brilliant!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 28, 2011 | Reply

  7. Jesus, am I the only Christian around anymore?!
    Tsk, tsk. Y’all won’t be laughing when I’m the only blogger in heaven and Morgan Freeman lets me hang out.
    You know the chap I named my cat after, Phillippe? Well he’d say the most sacreligious things when he’d see a crucifix, such as “Jesus was hanging around one day.” People would look at him as though they wanted to kick his ass, but he explained to me that Jesus was his best friend, and one jokes around with one’s best friend, right? And suddenly it all made sense and freed me a lot. I used to think all sorts of blasphemous things in my head that I couldn’t stop thinking. Hell, I used to think if I crossed my T’s lower than halfway it was like the devil.

    I loved easter. Back in the day my mom bought me huge baskets stuffed with stuff I wanted and extra candy.

    You don’t like Cadbury Cream Eggs? WTF?

    Comment by Lisa | April 25, 2011 | Reply

    • Cadbury Creme Eggs aren’t very good. You only have them once a year so you forget.

      Comment by The Good Greatsby | April 25, 2011 | Reply

    • No, I’m totally a Christian too. I’m also a Freeman, a Buddhist, a Flying Spaghetti Monsterist and an atheist. I just go with whoever is throwing the best party that day, usually.

      Cadbury Cream Eggs taste too processed and sugary for me. Have you ever had a melt-a-way?

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 26, 2011 | Reply

      • No, never did. Only demons and diabetics hate Cadbury eggs.

        Comment by Lisa | April 28, 2011 | Reply

  8. Well, you’ve done for Easter what “Little Miss Sunshine” did for pre-pubescent beauty pageants: make it seem like something you’d need a shower after experiencing.

    Not that it matters to me, being extrareligious myself, but I would imagine that some people might find this ruins the whole thing for them and/or condemns your soul to eternal damnation. Personally, I’d think the maker of the Choco-Christ should be going to hell first, but I don’t make the rules. And those rules are like Monopoly “house” rules: they change depending on where you’re playing.

    Still, the kids are always happy when the Easter Christ comes to visit and scatters chocolate everywhere and forgets where a couple of eggs are hidden (usually by a heater vent).

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | April 25, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m well on my way to my goal then. If cleanliness is next to Godliness and if God hates environmentalism like the current crazy crop of evangelicals claim… by encouraging water wasting/cleansing showers I’ll get into heaven by the back door. And I assume that heaven really is Natalie Portman’s ass.

      You know the worst thing? When your freaking dog finds some of those tiny Reece’s Cups and you have to clean decorative foil wrapped dogshit for the next two weeks.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 26, 2011 | Reply

  9. “maybe saw what I made my GI JOE do to Princess Leia.”

    GASP!

    Comment by thoughtsappear | April 26, 2011 | Reply

    • Don’t worry, he gave her a friendship bracelet first.

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 26, 2011 | Reply

  10. I refuse to believe our Zodester is a 38 yr old anal virgin. A nice prostate pampering makes all the difference!

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | April 26, 2011 | Reply

    • Are you offering? What’s involved in a ‘pampering?’

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 26, 2011 | Reply

  11. Why can’t we have eggnog at Easter too?

    Comment by nursemyra | April 26, 2011 | Reply

    • Because that would be enough to slip half of the world into a diabetic coma.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 26, 2011 | Reply

  12. Every time I read this (four times and counting), I can’t make it past the watermelon seed/defiling part without laughing to the point of tears.

    I’m worried it might have something to do with the hash brownie I ate earlier.

    Comment by bschooled | April 26, 2011 | Reply

    • You’ve really read it four times? If your hash brownies are anything like my hash brownies you must have been sitting at the computer for the last two days. I’ll send help. And a self-addressed, stamped package for some of your extra hash brownies. (Please?)

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 26, 2011 | Reply

  13. Easter isn’t big with The Noisewaters either, but Hank the Drunken Dwarf and Bobby The Brain are huge with my mom.

    Comment by Dr. Ken | April 26, 2011 | Reply

    • Well now your mom is big with me. We’d get along like a house of fire.

      Thanks Dr. Ken!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 28, 2011 | Reply

  14. Dude, I was an alter bot until I figured out church, sex and drugs didn’t mix. Besides the alter wine was so watered down, for some unknown reason which wasn’t me or my bff’s fault, we quit drinking it.

    And you’re dead on about the statues. The last time I was in a church, three of the damn things chased me out and down the street. The only reason they stopped was because of Mexican tile factory they hadn’t wiped out yet.

    Bobby Heenan is like so cool. I think he was Mary Magdalene’s pimp as well.

    Comment by jammer5 | April 27, 2011 | Reply

    • Damn Jammer, you should have gotten in on some of that molestation. You’d be swimming in money right now, and for what? Just a looser asshole…. Sold!

      Damn you guys must have been on some good psychedelics. I’ve always wanted to try pure mescaline and peyote in the desert.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 29, 2011 | Reply

      • Buttons, bro, buttons. Ever read any Carlos Castaneda? Awesome series.

        Comment by jammer5 | May 2, 2011 | Reply

        • Not yet but you’re the second person to suggest it so I’m on it like Lindsey on a jewelry store with lax security and meth on the counters.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 3, 2011 | Reply

  15. did they ever make you wear a coat with matching everything that had a giant collar that blew up into your face while you were crossing the street
    even on Easter they were trying to kill me

    I love that Mom used your candy as a coping mechanism
    I always stole my son’s pot

    Easter is tolerable when you think of it as a celebration of spring

    Comment by dianne | April 27, 2011 | Reply

    • No, I can’t say that I ever had to wear a coat like that. I did however, have to wear plaid polyester pants which used to rip right in the crotch.

      Pot is so much healthier than the other coping mechanisms. Although it can lead to chocolate.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 29, 2011 | Reply

  16. If Christians were really serious about Easter you’d think instead of creme eggs they would have chocolate crosses with strawberry filling in them or chocolate nails…I’m just saying.

    Comment by frigginloon | April 28, 2011 | Reply

    • You’ve just given me a million dollar idea!

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 29, 2011 | Reply

  17. But did you enjoy the constant barrage of “He is Risen” on Facebook all day long?

    I know I did. I also enjoyed stuffing my face with peanut butter filled eggs, because that’s really what it’s all about.

    Comment by candice | April 28, 2011 | Reply

    • I avoided Facebook like the plague. Or like you’d avoid a zombie, even.

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 29, 2011 | Reply

  18. Ha ha, shame about the chocolate.
    I dont really follow any of these traditions, and if i do it is rarely a religious motivation. lol

    Comment by Artswebshow | April 29, 2011 | Reply

    • See you and thanks for all the fish.

      Thanks Artswebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 29, 2011 | Reply

  19. I much prefer you version of how it all began so to speak…makes it easier to understand why god invented booze and loose women..zman sends

    Comment by zmanowner | May 7, 2011 | Reply

    • I thought that Dionysus invented booze and booze invented loose women?

      Thanks Z-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 8, 2011 | Reply

  20. YOU’RE SO SWEET ! I MISS YOU TOO !!

    -KISSES!-

    – Heff

    Comment by HEFF | May 8, 2011 | Reply

    • Now, I’m just blushing. And gushing.

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 8, 2011 | Reply

  21. Howling!! For some reason, ALL of my wordpress subscriptions no longer come through (with the exception of CLTs). I will re-subscribe now. You nailed religion, Scott…hehe. P.S. I haven’t seen anyone use the work kerfuffle in quite a long time. You are quite the storyteller, Scott…wish I had teachers like you in school!!

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | May 8, 2011 | Reply

    • I’ve been missing you Elizabeth. I’m so glad to see you back! Did you start a photo blog?

      I love a good keruffle!

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 8, 2011 | Reply


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