Zodi’s Blog

How To Train Your Ho

Too many of us possess the bluster, bravado and largesse necessary to be successful in the Pimp game but are sorely lacking when it comes to the nuts and bolts of the bizness; keeping a stable of healthy, happy, well trained hos. The results of this are as obvious as they are heartbreaking. Every day hundreds, even thousands, of hos are abandoned to fend for themselves, or, even more tragically, have to be put down. Most of these hos were never adequately trained and the fault lies squarely at the crocodile skinned boots of the bitch-ass pimp who never bothered to learn how to care for his hos.

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Healthy, happy and well trained hos.

 

 

Whether you are bringing home your very first bright eyed rookie or are still struggling with a stubborn but simple minded veteran, the approach you take always has to be the same, consistent. Your hos have to always know what to expect from you. You are their world and you have to be a motherfucking rock of stability if you can dig that. You always need to display calm, patient assertiveness because those bitches can smell fear the same way you can smell a twenty hidden all up a vagina. The trick is to gain their love and respect without causing them to fear you. A scared ho is a dangerous ho and a dangerous ho is apt to do all types of low-down rotten ruthless shit.  

 

The trick is knowing exactly how to handle the many behavioural problems that crop up like unsightly lip herpes before they get out of hand like two has-beens with a thousand dollar royalty check and a motel room in the hood. With the proper schooling (that’s this) you’ll be able to calmly and effectively deal with these situations (like lip-herpes) before they get to the Bobby/Whitney stage (like lip-herpes on steroids.  And when I say steroids I mean crack).

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The Bobby/Whitney stage.

 

 

Potty Training Your Ho.

 

Many hos come from the Eastern Bloc or the Deep South, where their menfolk were too drunk and/or uneducated to teach them how to use the bathroom. The fastest and easiest way to train them is to just place them on the toilet every two hours, and especially every time they start looking antsy and sniffing at the carpet. If your ho is a malt liquor drinker you’ll have to increase that to every 30 minutes. When accidents do occur, never, ever smack them or rub their noses in it. This will only cause your ho to become neurotic about potty time and she’ll likely sneak off to drop a load under the pool table or in the walk-in hat closet. If your ho is already potty trained but backslides and begins piddling on the floor again, it may mean a bladder infection. If she suddenly drops a Steve Ducey on the bearskin rug, it may be that her grippers have gotten knocked loose by an overly zealous customer. Either way, handle your bizness and take her to a ho doctor as soon as you finish your drink.

 

A (Mostly) Drug Free Ho.

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Ted Haggard wouldn’t even pay for that if it came with a backrub and meth

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There was a time not long ago when it was considered acceptable to keep your ho stoned, tweaked and strung out. Oh how the pimp zeitgeist has changed. After the China White epidemic of the early 90’s when we had ho’s falling out left and right, I guess it was. Plus, we now know that drugs be making bitches ugly and crazy. The only exceptions are your longtime junkie hos. Even if they’re not physically addicted because you’ve been tricking them by giving them mostly water shots, you need to get them on methadone immediately. This is actually beneficial for you because you always know exactly where they’ll be at 7:30 in the morning. That’s why they call it liquid handcuffs. If you have an overly excitable ho, it’s ok to give her a Xanax, provided it doesn’t make her too lethargic to perform her ho’ly duties. After a long day of ho-ing you should allow them to enjoy alcohol, weed, or even a few lines of coke, if you feel they’re responsible enough to handle it without running around your bouncy moon room with a machete.

 

Bringing Home a New Ho. 

 

 

A fairly new ho.

 

 

When you bring home a brand new ho, you’re likely to have to deal with some unpleasant behaviour from your other hos. Some will show immediate aggression and may even scratch or bite, while others may revert back to old, unacceptable behaviours like piddling on the carpet. This is all perfectly natural; they are just feeling insecure about their new rank in an ever changing pack. Remember the basics and you’ll keep your bizness running like a well lubricated sex organ. Remember to walk through the front door first. This will show the other hos that you are still the alpha daddy. If any of your hos react negatively, just remain calm and with a strong, clear, dominant voice say any of the following, “Back, ho,” “Bitch please,” “Down,” and “Put your skirt back on now, please.” When they respond positively, immediately reward them with a shot of Patron or a blunt of your finest Hydro combined with a nice pat on the head. Positive reinforcement works every time!        

 

Bitch don’t got your money/refuses to get your money.

 

This is obviously the most troublesome issue. Why else do we bother to get out of our 18 foot, heart-shaped beds and go through our byzantine routines just to get our fine asses presentable to run shit proper and take what’s motherfucking ours if our stupid ass bitch hos ain’t even going to make a goddamned effort? These are the times that’ll make you want to take out your AK and just start blasting motherfuckers. But you can’t make money off dead hos. Not for more than a few hours. So you need to man up and handle this like an adult. If done properly this will be the pinkest, fluffiest feather in your metaphorical hat. The feather and the hat are both real but I’m using the example metaphorically.

 

You can’t even give into the urge to go Ike Turner on that ass. You can’t even go Chris Brown, not anymore. That’s not the game son. You need to fuck her up… but with your mind. You need to mind-fuck her. Just walk away and act like you don’t care. Maybe sidle up to your other hos and laugh. She’ll instantly feel uncertain. Put word on the street that indie hos are being rounded up and forced to volunteer at Acorn and Planned Parenthood. She’ll be back in your loving embrace by the end of the week. And if not, you can just catch her at the methadone clinic on Monday morning. It always works out if you have a plan.

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I wish Ike were still alive, just so he could bitch slap the shit out of Chris Brown.

 

  

Remember that with the proper training and dedication your ho will be so much more than a decade long source of income, she’ll be your friend, lover, confidant and spades partner.

 

*For the purpose of simplicity I used the feminine for ho and the masculine for pimp but we all know that men can be hos (times, they are a changing motherfucker) and, as Jay-Z so eloquently pointed out, ladies IS pimps too. Just not usually.   

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"Now go out there and get my motherfucking money." "Oh, and could you grab a teener of meth too? It's a holiday weekend."

 

 

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May 8, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , ,

35 Comments »

  1. Ho’s tricky bidness. A good pimp’s gotta watch the tats as well. An arrow pointing to the ho’s money maker saying, “Grand Canyon tours available”, ain’t gonna hack it, unless it’s a tourist from Japan, or maybe a busload of Peruvian gynecologists.

    liquid handcuffs. Ain’t that a California surf band?

    Friggin brilliant post . . . as always.

    Comment by jammer5 | May 8, 2011 | Reply

    • You just gave me a great idea Jammer. Now that hos can’t even get tramp stamps when they’re trying to be ironic, we need a new local for the ink. And while an arrow may be classless, I’d see nothing wrong with Chinese script saying ‘Free Tibet’ or some such valid political argument.

      Thanks Jammer!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 9, 2011 | Reply

  2. Well worth the wait! There is so much that is hilariously brilliant about this that I can’t even pick something specific to quote.
    Okay, maybe this: “But you can’t make money off dead hos. Not for more than a few hours.”
    Crying laughing!

    Comment by Amy | May 8, 2011 | Reply

    • Amy, that one was my favorite! LOL!

      Comment by Desert Rat | May 8, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m going to have to remember this; when I need some quick, light-hearted humor, necrophilia will kill em every time.

      Thanks Amy!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 9, 2011 | Reply

      • What do you expect from a gal with an unhealthy obsession with zombies.

        Comment by Amy | May 9, 2011 | Reply

        • No obsession with zombies can be unhealthy. It’s a beautiful thing!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 10, 2011 | Reply

  3. What a great start to my Sunday morning!

    Comment by Desert Rat | May 8, 2011 | Reply

    • I have James Earl Jones coming over later to read you The Weekender section of the New York Times while Brad Pitt feeds you grapes dipped in chocolate ecstasy. Oh, and I bought you some bagels.

      Thanks Desert Rat!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 9, 2011 | Reply

      • It was an excellent day! Thanks, handsome! The grapes were fantastic!

        Comment by Desert Rat | May 9, 2011 | Reply

  4. He sounds like a veteran from the golden age of pimping. I’d definitely hire him to teach a ho-management elective on an MBA.

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | May 8, 2011 | Reply

    • While ‘he’ definitely is a veteran, I wouldn’t say he’s old enough to be from any golden age. Other than maybe the golden age of Starbucks or the golden age of Facebook. He would love to teach professionally. He’s a giver.

      Thanks GB!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 9, 2011 | Reply

  5. I wouldn’t be looking up no ho’s vagina for a twenty. It’s have to be at least a $100 before I’d don the rubber glove

    Comment by nursemyra | May 8, 2011 | Reply

    • I may have to hire you for some of my medical needs. And possibly for your other white gloving talents, but only for personal use, mind you.

      Thanks NM!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 9, 2011 | Reply

  6. I be glads to see you backs, bitch. I thought one of dem skank ass hos done shanked yo white ass and took yo money. I be keepin this knowledge fo a while bro

    any of your hos react negatively, just remain calm and with a strong, clear, dominant voice say any of the following, “Back, ho,” “Bitch please,” “Down,” and “Put your skirt back on now, please.”

    Comment by Lisa | May 9, 2011 | Reply

    • Nah, I run shit tight as a frightened rectum. Plus I use metal detectors, TSA scanners and usually wear a vest. If you want to take down the king, you best be comin hard.

      I’m still safe and sound, wrapped in my polyester blend rope, smoking on some coco, and, right now, enjoying a motherfucking foot message.

      Thanks Lisa!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 10, 2011 | Reply

  7. Tomorrow the federal government is announcing the budget. I’d like to see a significant rise in the funding for ho training.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | May 9, 2011 | Reply

    • With all the lobbyists I use, I fully expect to.

      Thanks Mitzi!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 10, 2011 | Reply

  8. Great advise on potty training, I’ll keep that in mind for my next ho!

    Comment by Reb | May 9, 2011 | Reply

    • You can also use the same skill set to potty train a pet, if you go that route first.

      Thanks Reb!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 10, 2011 | Reply

  9. I keep all my ho’s in line without too much problem. But, I see here that you are revolutionizing the pimping bidness.

    Comment by Jay | May 9, 2011 | Reply

    • I can see that you’re a man who keeps his house in order, clearly.

      Thanks Jay!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 10, 2011 | Reply

  10. You don’t look like the everyday pimp, but that’s probably why you’re so unorthodox well-versed in pimpology. Well done.

    Comment by Dr. Ken | May 10, 2011 | Reply

    • It’s the Superman principle. Never look like what you actually are. I too, change in a phone booth; only I usually have a few hos to help with my socks.

      Thanks Dr. Ken!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 11, 2011 | Reply

  11. I am sorry I am sure your post was insightful but I can’t get past the first picture. You need to start putting those pictures at the end.

    Comment by Bearman | May 11, 2011 | Reply

    • There’s another one at the end. You can only see it once you’ve read the text and unlocked the brain code.

      Thanks Bearman!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 11, 2011 | Reply

  12. HA!

    “Blame the crocodile skinned boots of the bitch-ass pimp who never bothered to learn how to care for his ho.”

    If I was a ho (which I’m totally NOT-despite what my neighbors think), I would want this on my grave stone.

    ps. I’m back! (I think?)

    Comment by bschooled | May 11, 2011 | Reply

    • Just so you know, I straightened out your neighbors for you. I’d put ‘She’s
      totally NOT a ho!” on their gravestones but I was told that was the family’s decision. Sorry.

      Thanks B!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 12, 2011 | Reply

      • I wear my ho-ness like a badge of honor.

        Comment by elizabeth3hersh | May 18, 2011 | Reply

  13. This ho thing sounds like a lot of hard work, I suggest Russian brides as a lazy-assed alternative.

    Comment by frigginloon | May 12, 2011 | Reply

    • It’s hard work but it’s well worth it. I just love my hos so much.

      Thanks Loon!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 12, 2011 | Reply

  14. the ghost of Ike vs. Chris Brown sounds like a winner for Pay Per View

    Comment by dianne | May 13, 2011 | Reply

    • I’d pay to view that for sure.

      Thanks Dianne!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 15, 2011 | Reply

  15. Dear God, you’re killing me with this one! This needs to be made into a course or motivational speech that you charge pimps to take.

    Comment by Dr. Cynicism | May 19, 2011 | Reply


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