Zodi’s Blog

I’m Going out With Panache

“…Be…u….ti…ful… friend” blares out from the speakers of my Cadillac Escalade in the parking lot of Mermaids, a strip club on St. Pete Beach. I hoover another line of blow and rig up another fix, my second in as many hours. I have more drugs, whatever anybody could want, in a duffle bag on the backseat. I have a nine millimeter tucked into my waist and an AR 15 on the floorboard. I’m ready like a motherfucker.

 

“…This is the end…”

 

I emptied my meagre savings account last week and bought a gun. I went to 34th and MLK and robbed a drug dealer. Then I went to Gulfport and robbed another couple men, hard. I shot a kid because he reached for his piece. Damn. I drove back home and tried to park but my Russian mafia neighbor had taken up two parking spaces with his obnoxious SUV. Again. I scribbled over a pizza menu with a Sharpie, left my car in the street and knocked on his door. When he answered I handed him the note. He read it, ‘Parking Enforcement’ and, just as his eyes narrowed with irritation and accusation, I pistol whipped him into a coma. I think. He was breathing but not moving. I think that’s like a coma? I took his car keys from his pocket and his wife’s vibrator from between the mattress and box springs. I was looking for money but when I saw that thing I impulsively took it. I’m kind of a klepto. And a freak. Apparently.

 

“No safety or surprise… the end.”

 

I haven’t been eating much but when I have it’s been double cheeseburgers with bacon and dipped in mayo. Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food to wash it down. I’m now only a few blocks from what was my happy home. It feels like miles. States. Countries away. I kissed my pets and stroked my wife goodbye and I’m not going back. I don’t want to see them suffer.

 

“…I’ll never look into your eyes… again.”

 

I’ve always promised myself that when the time came I’d go out in style. This is it. Drugs. Strippers. Scratch off lottery tickets. Maybe try anal sex with a small lavender vibrator. I have to work up a state of mind for a thing like that, I guess. The strippers are all willing to come out to the Cady and do a line or three but so far I haven’t had any luck convincing them that we should fuck like wild animals. Like vampires fuck on True Blood. Especially like that. It’s like these people don’t even care that we’re less than a week from the apocalypse.

 

When I found out that the animated corpse of Harold Camping not only predicted, but guaranteed, that the End of Days would begin on May 21st, I knew that it was time to party like it was 1999. Times a thousand. Like if Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan had a baby and the baby celebrated its 21st birthday in Vegas on Kill a Hooker day which also coincided with a Red Bull promotion in the hotel he was staying. That’s how hard it’s time to party. Harold Camping has amassed 100 million dollars on the back of this prophesy so you know it’s got to be airtight. 

 

“In a… desperate land.”

I plan to be on a whole lot of mescaline when this happens.

 

Now I just need to recruit a few like minded road warriors, preferably really good looking slutty women, to ride west with me on an apocalyptic crime spree ending at Camping’s front door. I plan to make him clear his throat at gunpoint before giving him a message to give to God from me. “Thanks for all the fish. And opiates. Mostly the opiates.” Then, after those retards get raptured, I’ll be sitting on a huge pile of cash. And weaponry. Those End Timers are big on the guns  right? Or am I thinking of the Branch Davidians? I can never remember my cults. The gravel mouthed crypt keeper says that those left behind, us, that we’ll have to endure 153 days of torment by the antichrist. Beats seven years. Fire my old apocalypse attorney. It’s a huge win for America. We’ll finally be free of conservatives and Christian rock. This is going to be a huge adrenaline rush. I’m ecstatic. I think I’m ready to try the vibrator.

 

“It hurts to set you free.”

 

Now, I’m going to blast another line. Then, I’m going to take a shit in the frozen food isle of the grocery store across the street. I dislike the night manager. She accused me of assaulting her husband and stealing her vibrator. That lying bitch.

 

(This is) The End

 

PS- To the SPBPD. This was a purely satirical piece of fiction. Any dead drug dealers, pistol-whipped Russian citizenry, stolen Escalades, or piles of steaming shit in local grocery stores, if they do in fact exist, are purely coincidental.

 

PPS- The only thing funnier than this zombified enema, Camping, are all the ‘normal’ Christians losing their shit and saying how crazy he is because nobody knows when it’ll happen. But all the other stuff is totally going to happen. “Shiny mirror make scary.”   

 

PPPS- Seriously though, how cool would it be if this did actually happened. If it does, meet me at the corner of Hollywood and Vine on May 22nd at 2am and we’ll go all Waterworld except we’ll be on land. And without Kevin Costner. I hope.  

 

PPPPS- Anyone interested in a 5 inch, gently used, lavender vibrator, please email me at zodifl@hotmail.com.

 

“But you’ll *never* follow… me”

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May 15, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , ,

52 Comments »

  1. This is too brilliant for words. Count me in.
    It’s better to burn out than to fade (float) away!

    Comment by Amy | May 15, 2011 | Reply

    • I knew I could count you in! I don’t know how I made it through that whole post without Neil Young.

      Thanks Amy!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 15, 2011 | Reply

  2. What good will cash be….Might be good kindling.

    Comment by Bearman | May 15, 2011 | Reply

    • Let’s not forget its value as a nose attachment and rain maker.

      Thanks Bearman!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 15, 2011 | Reply

  3. I been to Hollywood and Vine, like, a zillion times, but never at 2am on may 22nd. I’m always open for new dates.

    I’ll skip the five incher, but if you got an eight inch purple Barney, hey, I’m in – or is that the other way around. Anyways, here’s the Costner’s bling and more brilliant essays before the fucking rapture rears its penis.

    Comment by jammer5 | May 15, 2011 | Reply

    • BTW, anybody planning on leaving can mail me there pins and ATM cards. I promise to take good care of em.

      Comment by jammer5 | May 15, 2011 | Reply

      • I already got the contract to take care of thier pets.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 15, 2011 | Reply

    • That’s awesome Jammer. I really need to hang out with you more. It’s a date. Don’t forget your half of the party favors!

      Thanks Jammer!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 15, 2011 | Reply

  4. And after all that brilliance, I thought to myself, “I really like Douglas Adams,” and “I better check my opiate supply – I don’t want to run out.”

    Note to self: avoid lavender-colored vibrators on Craigslist.

    Comment by Desert Rat | May 15, 2011 | Reply

    • Wait you have an opiate supply? I’m making a pit stop on my way to Cali!

      I thought you’d like to share?

      Thanks Desert Rat!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 15, 2011 | Reply

      • Better stop in before Saturday, then. Use the code words “italic squirrel.” Ignore the people camped on the front lawn – you are current on your tetanus shot, right?

        Comment by Desert Rat | May 16, 2011 | Reply

        • Oh this is sounding better and better! I’ll bring my toy.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 17, 2011 | Reply

  5. I believe heterosexual men are supposed call it a “prostate massager”. If you like it, won’t you regret waiting until the end of the world to try it?

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | May 15, 2011 | Reply

    • That does sound much more civilized, thanks. Hells yea, I’d regret it. It’d be just like when I finally got a date with Nicole Brown Simpson.

      Thanks Gorilla Bananas!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 15, 2011 | Reply

  6. Dude, thats the way go out..WINNING. Fuckin aye lemme know I will load up the neighbors VW Microbus and take his 2 18 y/o daughters for some time on the road. Just know that the unclean and not rightous are prolly gonna get the spoils from the rich pistol whipped and vibrator penetrated peeps out there…Chuck Lorre your first dude how dare he mess with a god…lemme know when you head out I am at 8675309 or maybe thats just the savings account number from that douchy bank dude down the block….lets do this for the rightous and unclean..they always have cold beer and a full flask…..zman out

    Comment by zmanowner | May 15, 2011 | Reply

    • The VW is just what we need. The Microbus will go perfectly with the Microdots I’m bringing to the table. I knew that you’d be down like a clown for some apocalyptic fun. That was actually the number to the Playboy Mansion. I convinced Heff’s two wives to kill him and join us. Although maybe I should tell them to save his skin. We might need bartering chips post apocalypse?

      Thanks Z-Man!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 15, 2011 | Reply

  7. So…when is Kill a Hooker Day?

    Comment by thoughtsappear | May 15, 2011 | Reply

    • That was actually a sort of typo. I’m pretty sure that every day is Kill a Hooker Day.

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 15, 2011 | Reply

  8. You are freaking hillarious. I dont care what your mother says about you.

    Comment by Miranda | May 16, 2011 | Reply

    • You’d do well not to listen to my mother. She’s sweet but a somewhat mischievious ghost.

      Thanks Miranda!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 17, 2011 | Reply

  9. Like Jammer, I’ll skip the 5 incher and opt for something with serious stature. I am strangely attracted to the idea of a love-child between LiLo and Charlie. Part of me wants to be that child!

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | May 16, 2011 | Reply

    • I’ll sign you up for the Barney as well then, you just have to come to LA. I’m pretty sure that I AM that child. Come back from the future to horde drugs, for the future.

      Thanks Mitzi!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 17, 2011 | Reply

  10. That was equally nihilistically brutal and strangely funny. Excellent satire, Scott. I especially enjoyed the post-rapture speculation, as does nearly everybody, including those who argue for and against a set date.

    All I know is that when it comes, there’s bound to be a lot of confused people wandering around wondering what happened to their ticket for the Space Escalator or whatever it is that was supposed to take them directly to the pearly gates.

    It should be a good time.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | May 16, 2011 | Reply

    • I appreciate the compliment CLT, I was going for brutal there, the nihilism just kind of came about on its own.

      Even if people buy into all the other crazy stuff about fundamental Christianity, I’ll never understand any of this. Most of them even know that this whole thing was created by Darby… and they still fall for it. It boggles my lucidity.

      Thanks CLT!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 17, 2011 | Reply

      • May I use that line (“it boggles my lucidity”) Scott? My lucidity was boggled today while driving down Las Vegas Blvd. I’m stone cold sober and I had a vision of a colossal face appearing in the sky. I realized this would initially scare the hell out of me (and everyone else), but then I thought why should I/they be scared? Some weird shit was going on and it could get interesting. Maybe someone up there was fucking with us. At this point, my lucidity was rattled. Then lickity-split, I snapped back into reality, blinked and the image disappeared. Was that any more real than Camping’s prognostication?

        P.S. This was one of my favourite posts.

        Comment by elizabeth3hersh | May 18, 2011 | Reply

  11. Camping said this would all happen in ’94
    I swear
    he did
    I was fucking there when it happened

    since I’m apparently really good at surviving the ends, like a fucking roach I suppose, I will be there with you and your posse this time and offer all the assistance I can

    Comment by dianne | May 17, 2011 | Reply

    • I think that we’re cut from the same cockroach cloth Dianne, because I’ve survived more than I’ve had any right to as well. It must have been Godly intervention.

      See you in LA. Bring your medicine cabinet.

      Thanks Dianne!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 17, 2011 | Reply

  12. you planning on going somewheres???

    I hope not Scotty.

    Comment by Candy | May 17, 2011 | Reply

    • Only to the nearest pain clinic.

      Thanks Candy!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 19, 2011 | Reply

  13. I don’t think lavender’s your colour Scott xx

    Comment by nursemyra | May 17, 2011 | Reply

  14. Oh, sounds like a good time to be had by all. I’ll be there with bells on 😉

    Comment by Reb | May 17, 2011 | Reply

  15. I’ve been looking everywhere for that thing! I suppose it was probably time for me to “trade-up” anyway.

    Happy Rapture day Saturday, see you Sunday!

    Comment by Rev D | May 18, 2011 | Reply

    • Isn’t it awesome when you can trade in the old model for something with that new vibrator smell?

      Thanks Rev D!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 19, 2011 | Reply

  16. I’m a bit confused about the whole end of the world thingy. Does the time difference mean the US kabooms before Oz or vice versa? Should we make the road trip a little earlier so we can all have time to enjoy the lavender vibrator and apocalyptic crime spree ? What ya think?

    Comment by frigginloon | May 18, 2011 | Reply

    • I’ve never been good with the time difference thing but it should all happen to the same assholes everywhere right? I mean, at the same moment.

      Thanks Loon!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 19, 2011 | Reply

  17. […] a friggin nuclear winter plus doubles as a food source! Check. Hmm and if all else fails move over Scotty, I’m squeezing into your Cadillac Escalade. […]

    Pingback by Rapture Checklist | The Friggin Loon | May 18, 2011 | Reply

  18. I fully believe that you have got what it takes to deal with these fools, especially SUV guy. lol

    Comment by Artswebshow | May 19, 2011 | Reply

    • I appreciate the vote of confidence.

      Thanks Art!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 19, 2011 | Reply

  19. I’m here. Very, very sorry. Been crazy lately. You are awesome! When I read this it helped me feel a bit better, b/c you know I witnessed The Rapture once when I was 7 and among the Fundies and I was scared shitless…it was actually a forest fire, but the fundies didnt know.. Still sore about that.
    I feel so awful for Camping’s followers. Now the SOB is saying eh OCt 21. I hope you score lots of drugs and an escalade that day.

    I am so stupid myself b/c I was so nervous the 21st, you can take the fundi out of the church school but you cant take the school out of the fundi.

    Comment by Lisa | May 24, 2011 | Reply

    • Well, I was just in heaven and I can officially tell you that you have nothing to worry about. I’m going to help you take the school out of the fundie. Assuming that it won’t be too much work or be too gross because I’m not good with either one of those two things.

      Thanks Lisa!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 25, 2011 | Reply

  20. ..and yet you neglected to mention anything about the thai stick, peyote buttons, lebanese hash and nepalese temple ball.. Great piece in spite of the aforementioned Scott. Remind me to call you when I get back to Florida! and do a chick a favor and put that guys wife’s vibrator back int he box spring will ya?

    Comment by Lynn | May 25, 2011 | Reply

    • You’re right, and I must rectify that situation immediately. I need to find a better hallucinogenic connection. Hard but not impossible.

      I can’t wait for you to come back, we are so going to be BFF’s.

      Thanks Lynn!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 27, 2011 | Reply

  21. Fun post. That’s really living! The gayest thing about me is that when I read this I thought the coolest thing about living life like the world was going to end was eating bacon cheeseburgers and ice cream all the time.

    Comment by Dr. Ken | May 26, 2011 | Reply

    • I don’t think that’s gay at all Dr. Ken. That was one of the most enjoyable aspects of the experience. That, the blow and strippers.

      Thanks Dr. Ken!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 27, 2011 | Reply

  22. Keep the vibrator.
    I think your need is far greater than mine. lol

    Comment by Artswebshow | May 27, 2011 | Reply

    • So it was yours? I thought it smelt funny.

      Thanks Art!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 27, 2011 | Reply

  23. Seems Scotty’s been Raptured after all 😦

    Comment by frigginloon | May 28, 2011 | Reply

    • No, I just died. But I’m alive now, again.

      Thanks Loon!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 28, 2011 | Reply


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