Zodi’s Blog

God Loves Me but She’s Making Me Fat

 In my pre-rapture exuberance, I zigged when I should have zagged. And by zigged I mean I mainlined a *speedball* of Prozac and Ambien and died. So I guess I missed the rapture which didn’t occur anyway but I did get to see heaven and meet God so I think I’m slightly more Christiany than Harold Camping.

 

I woke up (from death) in a bright yellow kitchen. That’s probably what all those near death experience people see, a bright yellow paint job that catches the sun and is really hard on hung-over eyes. When I came to I was sitting at an enormous dining room table and in the grains of wood I could see all of creation, the true essence of time, and all that ever was and will be. I thought it was weird. Why would God put a dining room table in a kitchen? If God was this tacky then we must have gotten our sense of style and refinement from Satan. But none of that mattered, not in this kitchen. God was an elderly, ancient even, Italian woman, who only stopped cooking long enough to stand at the back door and smoke foul smelling cigarettes. At the table with me were 15 or so people, who were also dead. Some I recognized and some I didn’t. They constantly shifted and morphed into new sets of people. I saw Bin laden but he was in the time out chair so I didn’t get to chat with him.    

 

In front of us were plates of the most delicious foods imaginable. When we were finished with one course, God would bring us another. She seemed generally happy but also seemed to feed off of our moods. When we’d laugh at something George Carlin said, she’d cackle and slap her thunderous hips. When Hitler or the apostle Paul would complain or act out, as they often did, she’d rush over and curse loudly, doing that thing with the back of her hand under her chin. Sometimes she’d hit one of us rather hard with a dish towel or wooden spoon, and it hurt like hell. Apparently God doesn’t know her own strength. The only other time she’d get truly angry is when one of us would push our plate away and beg off. She’d mumble “Mangiare di piu” and bring a cannoli and some espresso. If we still wouldn’t touch that then she’d turn into Samuel L Jackson and tell us that we’d better eat before she got motherfucking wrathy. Then we ate more. Except one time when Marvin Gaye said he was too high to eat anotherr bite. Then God/Samuel L Jackson shot him in the face. Then she turned back into Old Italian Woman God and blamed Samuel L Jackson, who wasn’t even there anymore, for making her shoot Marvin in the face. So God can be a little psychotic and delusional but only when she’s Samuel L Jackson. Besides, by the time the next course rolled around, Marvin was back like nothing had even happened. His appetite had improved drastically though.     

This is God when she gets wrathy.

       

 

Then God came over to me personally, bent over, kissed my cheek and slapped me really hard in the face and the next thing I knew I was alive again. Lying in a pool of my own urine in the back of a stolen Escalade. And no, it was NOT an Ambien based hallucination, it all really happened. I could tell because when I woke up I still had that cannoli taste in my mouth and my cheek was red and sore from God’s over zealous affection.     

 

 

* I’m pretty sure Prozac and Ambien isn’t technically a speedball. But it’s still dangerous as shit. Obviously.

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May 28, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

45 Comments »

  1. Glad you’re back both here on your blog and on this mortal coil. I hope when I go to heaven I have as great a story to tell.
    And this: “Apparently God doesn’t know her own strength.” is a truely awesome line.

    I think Prozac and Ambien should be called a cannonball.

    Comment by Amy | May 28, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m glad to be back as well. For a minute I thought I was curtains. Blue and white curtains in a yellow kitchen.

      ‘Cannonball’ is brilliant. You’re going to make that drug cocktail popular!

      Thanks Amy!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 30, 2011 | Reply

  2. Man and I thought dinner at my in laws was odd.

    Comment by Bearman | May 28, 2011 | Reply

    • Unless one of your in-laws is the re-animated corpse of Salvador Dali…

      Thanks Bearman!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 30, 2011 | Reply

  3. Dude, that was awesome, with Sammy even thrown in for good measure (he’s good at that). IO had pretty much the same experience every day when I went to Catholic grade school, except the nuns thought they were God (I think they probably were) and hit even harder. They didn’t serve cannolis though.

    Comment by jammer5 | May 28, 2011 | Reply

    • I can usually count on SLJ to make an appearance at all of my life altering/ending/beginning moments. He also helped deliver my daughter so I should have known.

      If the nuns would have served cannolis you never would have left.

      Thanks Jammer!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 30, 2011 | Reply

  4. George Carlin humor and great food from an Italian grandmother – sounds like the “trip” was worth it.

    Comment by Danny | May 28, 2011 | Reply

    • I have to admit that I’m no longer afraid to die. I’m almost looking forward to it now.

      Thanks Danny!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 30, 2011 | Reply

  5. Nice one Scott.
    Bin Laden in the time out chair, Hitler and the apostle Paul complaining, a psychotic and delusional god.
    Sounds just like a good old family christmas…in the days before I learned to dispense with both (the family and the holiday).
    Funny thing is I once lived in a house with a bright yellow kitchen. Fancy spending all that time in heaven and never even knowing I was there!

    Comment by Karen lee Thompson | May 29, 2011 | Reply

    • I also spent a large portion of my childhood in a yellow painted kitchen and I should have learned my lessons and stayed away as well. They say that the color yellow can cause fights, especially in family gathering situations. Thankfully, God keeps a relative order up there.

      Thanks Karen!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 30, 2011 | Reply

      • And by the way, Scott, how’s that book coming along? Have you been getting into it?

        Comment by Karen lee Thompson | June 1, 2011 | Reply

        • On again off again. I’m really hoping that by the Fall I’ll be done done.

          Thanks!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2011 | Reply

  6. Damn, Quentin Tarantino couldn’t dream this shit up. I died once too, Scott. My EX-sister-in-law (that bitch) resuscitated me out by the pool after a nasty OD. She cracked my ribs and I couldn’t breathe right for over a month. That wasn’t the worst of it though. She TAPED the whole episode. Everytime guests would come by her home (mutual friends and relatives), she would ‘entertain’ them with the tape making me look really bad (and her heroic). I’m so glad technology has progressed over the years and that her cassette has probably dried up and is crackled by now. You’re probably wondering why I referred to her as a bitch since she ‘saved’ my life: I coulda been at that buffet with you Scott had she not intervened. I would have killed God and made Marvin Gaye sing Let’s Get It On while forcing bin Laden to take Hitler from behind at gunpoint. Or something like that. For sure I’ll see you at the next gathering. Until then…

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | May 29, 2011 | Reply

    • Really? The same thing happened to me but I was revived by paramedics with a nasty shot of Narcan. That stuff is pure evil I tell ya.

      I can’t believe that she paused long enough, presumably while you were unconscious and turning a shade of Smurf, to find the video camera and start recording. I wonder if she went for the Pulp Fiction joke and asked, “So I stab her three times in the heart?”

      Thanks Elizabeth!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 30, 2011 | Reply

      • Scott, did you see anything before they brought you back for realz?

        Mind you, all your posts are hilarious, but this is one of the best of the best, my good man.

        Comment by Lisa | June 4, 2011 | Reply

        • I saw a lot. We’ll have to discuss these things in person soon.

          Thanks Lisa!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 5, 2011 | Reply

  7. @Elizabeth- You NEED to write a book!!!!

    @Scott- You NEED to write a book and turn this into a screenplay!!! Only I think you should put Kurt Cobain somewhere in there as well. I’d love to see a scene where he and Marvin do a duet. Maybe something along the lines of “Smells Like Sexual Healing”.

    Comment by bschooled | May 29, 2011 | Reply

    • I know right? If Elizabeth wrote a book we’d all have to just quit.

      I’m surprised that Curt Cobain didn’t make an appearance. I have to blame myself as a recorder of these events for having missed him. There’s only one thing to do now…I’m loading up a fresh syringe.

      Thanks B!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 30, 2011 | Reply

  8. Mamma mia! Che divertante, moltissimo hilarioso! Scrivi di’piu, anche piu! Bravo, amico di Zodissimo.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | May 29, 2011 | Reply

    • Luckily I still remember enough of the Italian spoken around my childhood to know that you called me very hilarious and said that you’d love to marry my beautiful face.

      Thanks Mitzi!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 30, 2011 | Reply

  9. Quite the combination there Scott. I’m glad that God slapped you and you came back though.

    Comment by Reb | May 30, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m glad to be back, but I already miss the desert.

      Thanks Reb!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 31, 2011 | Reply

  10. I’ve never had Ambien. If it gives Prozac a jolt I’d like to give it a try.

    Were there any popes in heaven? how about Jimi Hendrix?

    Comment by nursemyra | May 30, 2011 | Reply

    • Heaven is filled with poppies and, most importantly poppy derivatives. Jimi is there as well, playing his ass off in the next room.

      Thanks Nursemyra!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 31, 2011 | Reply

  11. If God is an Italian woman, all you’ve got to do is pay her compliments – she’ll be eating out of the palm of your hand. Did bin Laden look a tad disappointed to you?

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | May 31, 2011 | Reply

    • True that. Bin laden looked shell shocked and disconsolate but also seemed to be gaining affection for ricotta based pastas.

      Thanks GB!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2011 | Reply

  12. At first I thought God was going to be that old black lady from the Matrix. It’s interesting that she’s Italian. Are you SURE it wasn’t an ambien hallucination? And, more importantly, how was the espresso?

    Comment by writerdood | May 31, 2011 | Reply

    • She could be her too. I think she’s all things to all people. The espresso was the best I’ve ever had. Pure liquid crack!

      Thanks Writerdood!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 5, 2011 | Reply

  13. I believe you. Definitely not Ambien induced.

    Comment by thoughtsappear | June 1, 2011 | Reply

    • I know because I didn’t steal the car.

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2011 | Reply

  14. So that’s how Marvin Gaye died. I always thought it was his dad. Sort of the way Michael Jackson died at the hand of Joe Jackson, only with more direct gunshots rather than a lifetime of greed and abuse.

    You can’t make this shit up, Scott. Or rather, I can’t make this shit up. You, on the other hand, are a natural. And nothing’s more natural than Ambien. Just ask Elaine:

    http://catalogliving.net/post/1725174401/nighttime-is-the-right-time

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | June 1, 2011 | Reply

    • Your astounding insight leads me to believe that you should have been a psychotherapist. Or at least a biographer. At least.

      Now you’ve gone and got me addicted to Gary and Elaine and the rug rats. That’s the first I’ve seen of Catalog Living and it’s brilliant in its stupidity. I love it.

      Thanks CLT!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2011 | Reply

  15. Perhaps your tastebuds dried up from all the drugs and that wasn’t really a cannoli? Jus’ sayin’. I would love to know how you prepare for such a wild trip of a post!

    Comment by Lynn | June 1, 2011 | Reply

    • I can’t even consider what you’re implying; the implications of a non-cannoli are too disturbing. Even with coping mechanisms firmly in place. We’ll have to get together and prepare together one day soon.

      Thanks Lynn!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2011 | Reply

      • Yes after September and before November. I wanna know more about your experience living in Spain. We’re thinking of Italy next, that’s near Spain right? 🙂 On another note, sounds like we more than a little in common.

        Comment by Lynn | June 3, 2011 | Reply

        • That’s what I’m trying to write a book about! Only instead of writing I usually just talk about it.

          We have so much more in common that either of us knew. Hurry back!

          Thanks Lynn!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2011 | Reply

          • Well if you’ll write it, I’ll read it (as long as you autograph it, that is!)

            Comment by Lynn | June 4, 2011 | Reply

            • I’ll give you more than an autograph Lynn. We’ll have a book signing/doing other stuff party when you get back!

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 4, 2011 | Reply

              • You bet we will! Missed you in this weeks Giveaway! I thought for usre you’d enter for that prize!

                Comment by Lynn | June 9, 2011 | Reply

                • My internet has been so inconsistant lately, sorry. I’ll have to go check it out now.

                  Did I win the pipe?

                  Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 11, 2011 | Reply

  16. Blahahahahaha Bin Laden in the naughty chair. Friggin hilarious 🙂 I hope he had his clothes on!

    Comment by frigginloon | June 4, 2011 | Reply

    • He did but his hand kept slipping under his robe. Total perv.

      Thanks Loon!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 4, 2011 | Reply

  17. I always thought God was a Nana type person although I thought she’d be a Jewish Nana and not Italian but that’s due to my own fucked up childhood

    I love that she goes Sam L when she gets wrathy, that’s perfect

    Comment by dianne | June 5, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m sure she’s got a little Jewish ancestry as well. She’s maybe half, the good half!

      Thanks Dianne!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 5, 2011 | Reply

  18. Son of a bitch, looks like I only liked it and didn’t comment. I love old Italian lady as God.

    Comment by Lisa | June 17, 2011 | Reply


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