Zodi’s Blog

Millions Raptured Last Week

 Since Monday countless Americans, and presumably people from other countries as well (I’m not sure because I don’t know how to check) were raptured as Jesus began his second coming round-up. For thousands of years, or at least since 1830, many Christians have believed that Jesus was going to descend from heaven to rapture his church. Jesus’ church is generally considered anyone who professes their faith and love in the lord and is white, protestant and republican and owns at least one horrific winter sweater. Most had assumed that the rapture would be an instantaneous, co-ordinated event, but so far it looks like it’s going to be a long process, at least based on the early pattern.

 

The loved ones who have been left behind by those missing are predictably remorseful. Norma Jean Druitt, widow of William ‘Buck’ Druitt issued the following statement to the media: “On Wednesday night we went to our separate bedrooms, him being a Leno man and me not being sexually attracted to him in the least and when I got up Thursday morning he’d been raptured away. The only things left in his rooms were his bible, dentures, bedclothes and body. But ol’ Bill was gone, any fool could tell that. All those years that bastard went on and on bout Jesus… I shoulda listened.” 

 

The Druitt’s weren’t the only ones caught up in this strange, supernatural phenomenon that swept the country however. Sharon Pearson watched as her husband was raptured right before her eyes. “One minute he was ranting on about George Soros and the anti-Semitic Semitic progressive socialist movement and drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper and the next he was grabbing at his chest as if in love, and acknowledging Jesus’ presence by saying, “Oh Jesus Oh Jesus Owwww Shit.” Then he fell down on his face and was…. gone, just gone.”

Biggie and Tupac had each other raptured a long time ago.

 

Most Christians had erroneously believed that when they were raptured they’d be taken bodily to heaven, getting to avoid the reality of a physical death, but they were wrong, dead wrong, in all but a few mysterious cases. In one such instance a teenager, staying with his slutty girlfriend in a creepy little cabin deep in the woods told the slut that he’d heard a strange noise ‘out there’ and was ‘going to check it out.’

 

Coincidentally, the only other instances where the body was also physically raptured were all preceded by a cryptic message uttered from the soon-to-be rapturee the last time they were seen.

“I’ll bet you five dollars I can swim across this fucker.”

“There seems to be something stuck in the wood chipper Matty, let me call you back.”

And, “Dude, have you ever mixed Ketamine with PCP?”

Were all among last words uttered by the vanished.  

In the strangest case of all, the man who made himself rich and famous by wrongly predicting the rapture in both 1994 and May 2011, and who subsequently re-re-prophesized the event for October 2011 has been partially raptured. It seems only the right side of his face and partial use of his right arm and penis were raptured.

PS- I know that you guys are probably getting tired of all the rapture all the time on this blog so I swear this is the last one. Unless, you know… something comes up.

PPS- Everything that I have against modern/right wing Christianity is perfectly exemplified in this one thread. I may make fun of Camping and others but these good Jesus people are just orgasmic that he had a stroke. They are the epitome of unconsious evil. And schadenfreude.

 

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June 19, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

39 Comments »

  1. He made himself RICH by wrongly predicting the rapture? To paraphrase Huggy Bear, how dee doo dat, man?

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | June 19, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m not sure but apparently it’s worth at least a hundred million since that’s how much he made since the first failed prophesy.

      Thanks GB!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 19, 2011 | Reply

  2. I thought schadenfreude was your whole blogging raison d’etre?
    But, seriously, laughing at your awkward situations is much, much different than celebrating the fact that some poor, misguided wack-job had a debilitating stroke. Yeah, I don’t think that’s what Jesus would do. But, I haven’t been to church in ages, so what do I know?

    “I’ll bet you five dollars I can swim across this fucker.” – I’ll always take this bet, but only if he leaves his five bucks on the shore first.

    Comment by Amy | June 19, 2011 | Reply

    • Yea, I love when people laugh at me. I’ve been doing that shtick since kindergarten; like a non-obese Chris Farley.

      It’s crazy how all the cool Christians in the ‘in-crowd’ feel like they have to be at least as evil as a Satanist. Aleister Crowley had nothing on these people.

      Thanks Amy!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 19, 2011 | Reply

  3. What really impressed me were all the little Christian smiley faces in the thread… how come I don’t have those on my computer? Mine all have devil horns, beer, or flames shooting out of their heads.

    I thought I was being raptured last night, but it turns out it was just some backlash from the Brussels sprouts that I’d had for dinner the night before.

    Comment by Desert Rat | June 19, 2011 | Reply

    • Christian smiley faces….wtf are you talking about. I think someones eyesight has been raptured…haha

      Comment by Bearman | June 19, 2011 | Reply

      • I looked at the thread too and the first thing i noticed was the liberal use of emoticons… it was almost like a religion…..

        Comment by nursemyra | June 19, 2011 | Reply

        • Nursemyra, that’s a good one! Heehee!

          Comment by Desert Rat | June 19, 2011 | Reply

        • That’s the only liberal thing you’ll find there. They believe that left is the devil’s hand.

          Thanks Nursemyra!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 19, 2011 | Reply

      • If only that were the case, Bearman, but I swear there are like little praying emoticons and stuff on the thread Scott references. I’ve never seen anything LIKE it!

        Comment by Desert Rat | June 19, 2011 | Reply

      • They do Bearman. Did you see the Rapture Emoticon? How about the Crucification Emoticon?

        Thanks Bearman!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 19, 2011 | Reply

    • I don’t think they’re from the douchebag’s computers I think they are from the forum itself. I’ve heard many an outsider gnash their teeth at RR’s exorbitant collection. They even have a pukey smiley.

      Haha, broccoli and cauliflower both have me rapturing as well. Your farts wouldn’t bother me though.

      Thanks Desert Rat!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 19, 2011 | Reply

      • Oh, sure, you say that now, but what about in the morning after I drop a nose-hair-burning ass-bomb? I’ll be all raptured and you’ll be running for the fire extinguisher.

        Comment by Desert Rat | June 20, 2011 | Reply

        • Well that’s true. If you were all raptured and I was stunk with the stink I’d be hella pissed!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 20, 2011 | Reply

  4. Jesus! (so to speak). I knew Camping was a few bricks short of a load but when I read the comments on that thread, I am reminded that he is just the tip of the ice-berg. What is it about religion that seems to make the rational part of people’s brains turn to mush?
    ‘White, protestant and republican and owns at least one horrific sweater.’ Such clarity, Scott. Beautiful.

    Comment by Karen lee Thompson | June 19, 2011 | Reply

    • I think that something must have happened in the late 80’s. That’s the point where it seems like most Christians, at least outspoken ones, turned into sociopathic assholes that would gladly usher in nuclear war if it would speed along their fantasies.

      I’m glad you got the sweater reference!

      Thanks Karen!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 19, 2011 | Reply

  5. If someone does mix Ketamine and PCP, please alert me as I want to include it in a study I’m doing

    Comment by nursemyra | June 19, 2011 | Reply

    • I guess I’ma have to take one for the team in the interest of helping along your research. I’m cool like that.

      Red is my color of the week!

      Thanks Nursemyra!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 19, 2011 | Reply

  6. At first I thought you were down on camping: nothing wrong with sleeping under the stars and using your rolled up underpants for a pillow. Meanwhile, these tales of rapturing (a fantastic new verb) are scintillating!

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | June 19, 2011 | Reply

    • Rapturing is just like camping really. If you camp in a graveyard during the zombie apocalypse. Shit, now I want to be raptured.

      Thanks Mitzi!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 21, 2011 | Reply

  7. You have to keep writing about the Rapture, otherwise we will think you’ve been raptured!

    I checked out that link but was only able to read about 4 posts before I started breaking things and using harsh language. How can they be so sure of something they can know nothing about?

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | June 20, 2011 | Reply

    • Any post I do will be proof I wasn’t raptured. I don’t plan on blogging much in the afterlife. I’m going to spend most of my time smoking opium with Marylyn Monroe on Bea Arthur’s lab.

      Don’t they just make your blood boil?

      Thanks Thomas!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 21, 2011 | Reply

  8. Oh thanks, now we are all going to get spam from the religious nuts from visiting that link! They will be so excited that they had so many visitors this week!

    Comment by Reb | June 20, 2011 | Reply

    • Actually that’s the biggest, last I heard, Christian forum. They are much more plentiful, and dangerous, than you may think. Ugh.

      Thanks Reb!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 21, 2011 | Reply

  9. I heard there’s another Rapture in October…so you can do more then…well before then. Maybe a countdown.

    Comment by thoughtsappear | June 21, 2011 | Reply

    • I heard that and I’m so excited I’m thinking of watching reruns of The Wire that night! Seriously, he just wont give up.

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 21, 2011 | Reply

  10. I’ve seen my grandparents raptured. I saw a couple of body bags from when this couple decided to rapture together and they shot heroin close to their hearts. What have I done to be left behind? Shit!

    Comment by Lisa | June 21, 2011 | Reply

    • I’ve seen way too many people get raptured as well including two great aunts, my mom and dad and many a stranger.

      I’ve always been too nervous to hit my juggler, personally.

      You’ve done all the right things Lisa, all the right things.

      Thanks Lisa!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 21, 2011 | Reply

  11. I thought I’d been Raptured last week but it just turned out to be a bad case of indigestion 😦

    Comment by frigginloon | June 23, 2011 | Reply

    • Some potato salad left in the sun too long will get you raptured though.

      Thanks Loon!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2011 | Reply

  12. You think Jesus would have a bigger staff.
    I mean this is some very sloppy rapturing.
    I expected more efficiency from him. lol

    Comment by Artswebshow | June 27, 2011 | Reply

    • Jesus Inc. has went through a downsizing phase this last few years. This Godamned economy…

      Thanks Art!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2011 | Reply

  13. So that dude made himself rich by wrongly predicting the rapture three times? Unf*ckinreal! There sure are some stupid-assed “Christians” people in this world. Goes to show some folks will believe anything.

    Comment by Lynn | July 6, 2011 | Reply

    • I know, right? Makes me want to get into the business. The truth is I’d feel better about myself sticking to my meth farm. I’d be ruining fewer minds that way.

      Thanks Lynn!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 7, 2011 | Reply

  14. What? No reply yet? Get back over here Scott! I expect to see your sorry ass upon my arrival! 🙂 I’ll be checking back soon…. 🙂

    Comment by Lynn | July 6, 2011 | Reply

    • Sorry Lynn, I’ll be back Sunday with new material and bells on, assuming I can find bells on sale.

      Wait, you mean you’re coming back home? Please dear God, really????

      Thanks Lynn!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 7, 2011 | Reply

      • Well if by home you mean Bangkok then you’d be right! Just got back from Cambodia and decided to give you a bit of grief.. Gong to be in Florida the end of September. Planning a Thai-style party when after I get there and settled in again.Rip and I wondered if you’d come! 🙂

        Comment by Lynn | July 8, 2011 | Reply

        • Oh my God, that’s awesome! Yes, absolutely yes, we’ll be there.

          I’m already excited… thanks so much!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 10, 2011 | Reply


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