Zodi’s Blog

Stereotypical Things you can Safely Assume about People Based on Their Appearance.

Man with camouflage hat and beergut.

He will be wearing jeans.

He bowls regularly and knows his average.

He drives a pick-up truck. The probability that it is also camouflaged is 70%. It does have a gun rack and a cartoon drawing of Calvin pissing on his truck’s main competitor’s logo. He’s feels passionate about his truck’s superiority in the American market.

He owns a confederate flag, and proudly has it displayed somewhere. Even if it’s only his living room.

He finds Jeff Foxworthy insightful and hilarious and often compares himself to Hank Hill.

He has pissed in a sink more often than you’d think reasonable.

Most of his hobbies involve killing animals or fish.

He voted straight republican on account of the blacks and queers.

He has been in the emergency room for both firework and beer can related injuries.

He calls his wife his Ol’ Lady.

His Ol’ Lady gets violent on the hard stuff.

He doesn’t quite know how he feels about the International Monetary Fund but he doesn’t think he likes it.

He is a premillennial dispensationalist but has never heard the phrase and wouldn’t know what it meant if he did.

He suffers a deep seated sense of inadequacy around people who are outside of his social standing/circle and tries to cover it with racism and lawyer jokes. Mostly learned from the Redneck Comedy Tour featuring Jeff Foxworthy.

 

 

Girl in Prius with Yoga bumper stickers

She presents a serene, slightly ambivalent face to the world but if you happen to make her angry, especially during her Colon Cleanse *With Acai Berry® week, she’ll turn all poltergeist and destroy you and everything you hold dear.

She fancies herself more enlightened than the masses and can’t help but feel a sense of superiority, even though she knows that she’s not supposed to. She hates camo hat guy and secretly daydreams about breaking his jaw with a new move she learned in Yoga Boot Camp® class.

She listens to a lot of PBS and Radio Active even though it sometimes goes over her head and other times bores her to death.

She talks about ‘cashing out’ one day, buying a yurt and living like the ancients in the wilderness. But she never will since nature itself doesn’t have nearly the selection as Natures Finest®.

She’s passionate about sustainability.

She either has a Reiki session or a Reiki class scheduled for this week.

She knows that The Secret® is mass produced, intellectually vapid drivel but she still practices the Laws of Attraction® because the basic premise is right on.

Her tramp stamp is the infinity symbol.

She named her dog Deepak and tells people that it’s part wolf. She’s lying.

 

 

Guy in an Ed Hardy t-shirt

 

He’s a douchebag.

He’s also a tool.

Guy in ridiculous pajama pants because real person pants no longer fit him. 

 

He owns two MMA style shirts and 3 Ed Hardy shirts but only wears them on special occasions.

He spends most of his mental energy planning and fine tuning his nutritional regime. He’ll be more than happy to tell you all about it.

He spends most of his money on steroids and supplements.

He can’t walk by a shiny surface without making his pecs jiggle.

When a good looking couple walks by he checks out the guy. Only to re-assure himself that he’s bigger and/or more cut.

He’s definitely, totally, not gay at all.

He’ll fucking kick your ass if you even suggest it.

He’d probably let you suck his dick though.

Because that’s not really gay.

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July 24, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

43 Comments »

  1. The world would be so boring without great stereotypes. :p

    Comment by Maxim | July 24, 2011 | Reply

  2. Living in the schizto town that I do, it wouldn’t be unheard of to see someone wearing a camo hat and an Ed Hardy shirt while driving a Prius. It is still safe to assume that they are a douche, though.

    “He has pissed in a sink more often than you’d think reasonable.” Ha! However, what I think is reasonable and what you think is reasonable might be two different things.

    Comment by Amy | July 24, 2011 | Reply

    • I don’t think I’ve ever seen that kind of morphism before. It’s like the stereotypes learned to evolve a symbiotic relationship that would be beneficial to both.

      Once. At a really crowded concert. Or something.

      Thanks Amy!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 25, 2011 | Reply

  3. 100%! Would love to see more profiles, including “Reader of Zodi’s Blog” Don’t worry, we can take it.

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | July 24, 2011 | Reply

  4. I am surprised that a redneck would know who Hank Hill is.

    Comment by Bearman | July 24, 2011 | Reply

    • That’s the second most watched redneck show. Just behind Cops.

      Thanks Bearman!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 25, 2011 | Reply

  5. I might be able to make something of the girl, but the guy who is definitely not gay belongs in a band called Village People II.

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | July 24, 2011 | Reply

    • Village People II is one of the best ideas I’ve heard all week, thanks!

      Thanks GB!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 25, 2011 | Reply

  6. I think the guy in the Ed Hardy shirt lives on the next block. I know the yoga chick – am currently working on my own 14-day Fat Burn Cleanse and just polished off 20 delicious fluid ounces of SOBE lifewater – strawberry dragonfruit … am unsure if my fat is actually hiding in my colon but I’ll keep you posted. Beer-gut guy is my first cousin on my mother’s side – seriously.

    Comment by Desert Rat | July 24, 2011 | Reply

    • lifewater!

      Comment by Mitzi G Burger | July 25, 2011 | Reply

      • It’s delicimous! Love me my lifewater!

        Comment by Desert Rat | July 25, 2011 | Reply

        • I know not of this thing of which you speak so fondly?

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 28, 2011 | Reply

    • I definitely figured that you would know a few of these people. They really are everywhere. Maybe a hairstyle or accent or favorite adult beverage will change from place to place but the people remain the same. And they’re all hilarious!

      Thanks Desert Rat!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 25, 2011 | Reply

  7. The same people must live everywhere!

    Comment by Karen lee Thompson | July 25, 2011 | Reply

    • Oh they do. They live everywhere!

      Thanks Karen!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 25, 2011 | Reply

  8. Holding my sides. It’s hurts, hurts! Woman in trackie daks, ugg boots and polar fleece will most likely have appendix erruption from laughing too much at favourite funny-man blog.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | July 25, 2011 | Reply

    • Well a ruptured appendix is one of the highest comedic compliments that I could ever hope to receive so I thank you from the bottom of my own, achy, appendix.

      Thanks Mitzi!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 25, 2011 | Reply

  9. Wow, we even have the camo hat & beer-gut here in Canada. We only see the gun racks in hunting season though, but surprisingly we do see the confederate flag around. Must be from the draft dodgers of the Vietnam era.

    Comment by Reb | July 25, 2011 | Reply

    • Yea, I’d imagine you have quite a few of those. I’d love to read about some stereotypical Canadians at some point Reb….

      Thanks Reb!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 28, 2011 | Reply

  10. most importantly – love ya and missed ya too
    wasn’t feeling too great and was also having trouble commenting on wordpress blogs

    anyhoo – the Ed Hardy is so perfect, so succinct and so sadly true

    Comment by dianne7777 | July 26, 2011 | Reply

    • Oh my god, I’ve missed you too! You can’t begin to match my laziness though!

      WordPress has changed a few things around. I hate the changes having to do with commenting. Ugh.

      Thanks Dianne!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 28, 2011 | Reply

  11. You’re one amusing mutha fucka. I heart you!

    Comment by candice | July 27, 2011 | Reply

    • Aww, thanks Candice. You warm my cockles…

      I heart you moar!

      Thanks Candice!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 28, 2011 | Reply

  12. Decisions, decisions: which one would I ‘do’ if I had a gun pointing at my head…hmmmm…I guess the narcissistic dude in “ridiculous pajama pants” only because that seems to be my attire of choice these days (Burberry though). My daughter is a fashion blogger and I can safely assume that she would tell me you frickin’ nailed it. Don’t stop here Scott, there are so many more stereotypes to go. You would have so much fodder just sitting here on the Strip and people watching. You wouldn’t believe what the tourists are wearing.

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | August 3, 2011 | Reply

  13. Haha. Well done on this one.

    People who buy designer t-shirts are idiots. That’s just saying that you’re showing off that it’s an expensive shirt. So dumb. I make my own shirts at t-shirt shops, and I get laid just fine. And I’m not all that “swole” either.

    Comment by Dr. Ken | August 3, 2011 | Reply

  14. You’ll find no Ed Hardy wearing pecs jigglers at Yoga Boot Camp, that’s for sure 🙂

    Comment by frigginloon | August 8, 2011 | Reply

  15. I love that spray tan those men are sporting. But who is Ed Hardy?

    Comment by Lisa | August 14, 2011 | Reply

  16. Ed Hardy wearing douchebags….They successfully RUINED the entire Christian Audiger empire.

    Comment by Candy | August 15, 2011 | Reply

  17. As usual Scott, you have your finger on the pulse of society….you have affirmed one thing for me..there are way to many douche’s walking around…but hey as long as you keep me from them and keep them aware of themselves then hey your job is done….great stuff…zman sends

    Comment by zmanowner | August 24, 2011 | Reply

  18. The girl is spot on. Maybe Ed Hardy is viewed differently down under. One of my patients wears an Ed Hardy t shirt. He’s 88.

    Comment by nursemyra | August 24, 2011 | Reply

  19. Write something. Anything,

    Comment by Lisa | August 29, 2011 | Reply

  20. Have bail $, will travel.

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | August 30, 2011 | Reply

  21. Okay that first part describes 98% of the guys in my hometown. The other 1% became helicopter pilots in the Army. It’s true, I went to school in Daleville, Alabama. Is my math wrong? Did I mention where I went to high school? 🙂

    Comment by Lynn | September 2, 2011 | Reply

  22. I live in an area where I’m surrounded by guys/men who wear camouflage hats and have a beer gut. Lucky me huh?!

    Thanks for a good laugh Scott!

    Trisho

    Comment by trishothinks | September 8, 2011 | Reply

  23. i wear black lace red lace and luv grim reaper lol good blog made me laugh xxjen

    Comment by jennygoth | September 15, 2011 | Reply

  24. Scott, where in the world are you? We are worried!!

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | October 7, 2011 | Reply

  25. One of those moments when I sit back, read, and think aloud ‘it’s funny ’cause it’s true’
    😀

    Comment by Tilly | October 16, 2011 | Reply

  26. You got all those on the $… you made me realize that i actually know ppl like that…wake up call!!!!

    Comment by Matt Devine | December 4, 2011 | Reply

  27. Even the rerun is funny- I think you’ve got people pretty much figured out Scott. Where do you fit in? Oh nevermind I’m pretty sure you’re like me and don’t fit in anywhere. It’s the gypsy mentality. 🙂

    Comment by Lynn | March 13, 2012 | Reply

  28. Why are they orange? They look like big oompa loompas!

    Comment by trishothinks | November 30, 2012 | Reply


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