Zodi’s Blog

The Love God Answers You

How do you know it’s Gonorrhea and not just a bad day? -From Lisa.

That’s a good question but one I can answer easily. You see Gonorrhea will cause your labia to contract and expand quickly and repeatedly causing a loud smacking sound to echo throughout the room. This is why it is also known as the clap. If you do have the dreaded disease you can take Doxycycline 100 mg, orally twice a day for 7 days or you could leave it to fester unchecked. I’d do that. It’ll make a neat party trick if you also invest in The Clapper for your electronics. This way you can invite people over for a disco and basically run everything, from the strobe lights to the back beat and bass tempo, out of your vagina. You’ll be the Most. Original. DJ. EVER. 

Just like this but with more strobe lights.

 

A *loving* young couple are caught making spritely love in the house they share with one of their parents. Upon being discovered, they……?? Multiple choice answers preferred thanks, Love God -From Ruby.

 

Well you’re welcome! The Love God loves three things in this world; helping others, talking about himself in the third person and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Oh and good manners. That was supposed to be in the top 3 but didn’t make the cut.

I love multiple choice. This’ll be just like a choose-your-own-adventure book but with more sex and humiliation. This actually happened to me when I was 19. Although we weren’t ‘full on’ yet it was really, really bad. I wish we were having sex because my mom would have seen less than what she ended up seeing. It’s ok though because now I’m better suited to answer your question.

Just like this but with more Nabooti.

A-   Bury your faces in each other’s hair/neck and hope and pray that by some miracle of desperate imagination a new physics law will come into existence stating that if you can’t see your parent then they can’t see you.

B-    Slowly extricate yourself from your partner being extremely careful not to look them in the eye.

C-    Very, very quickly get dressed and drive away, anywhere really, maybe to pick up an eighth of something or other, maybe to sit by the river and smoke, maybe to go to a bar and briefly consider following the Grateful Dead even though their music is nice for the first few hours but then, really starts to annoy the shit out of you, for fuck’s sake how long can a harmonica solo really go on…(?) before deciding that you aren’t cut out for that life because your hair gets too itchy if you don’t wash it every other day, and maybe do all three.

D-   Never, ever, ever, under any circumstances whatsoever, acknowledge that this incident occurred. Not to your parent/s, not to your partner, and certainly not to yourself. At least not for the next 18 years. Or until you have to help someone else with this sort of thing.  

E-    All of the above. *The correct answer is E.

 

 I just saw an episode of South Park where the one of kids said that “Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman!” OMG! Is this true? –From #1BJFan.

 

I think that there are a bunch of places on the planet more germy than an American woman’s mouth. I’ll bet I can name 10 right off the top of my head.

1- Thailand.

2- The factory where they make botulism and swine flu.

3- Tiger Woods’ dick.

4- Andy Dick’s vagina.

It's bacteria ridden. And messy.

Hmm, that’s all I got. So it’s not the most bacteria ridden place on the planet but it’s close enough for horseshoes. I’ll bet horseshoes have a lot of bacteria too since they’re what horses use to run around outside all day. But not more than an American woman’s mouth.

 

How does a girl make a man fall in love, especially if she looks like Girl w/a messed up face?  –From Lisa

 

Ok, first of all you don’t have a messed up face. But the best way to make a man fall in love with you is by doing all of the little things to perfection. Learn to give the perfect blowjob… and the perfect back rub, laugh at his jokes, smoke his crack with him but don’t ‘push the pipe’ and when a ‘job’ goes bad help him to alter his appearance and burn evidence. Stuff like that. And if none of that works then sleep with his friends. 

What is the G in g spot?

 

It stands for surreptitious. Not sure why. I don’t understand it either but what do you expect from a vagina?

 

How do you know if you think about sex too much?

 

When you begin to see three Puerto Rican midgets fucking Woody Allen’s corpse (you can’t convince me he’s not dead) everywhere you look. Or maybe that’s how you know you took too much LSD. Either way, stay safe.

His corpse seems to like it though.

My boyfriend used to be extremely inhibited in bed, almost like a corpse. We’ve been together over six months now and after much coaxing and prodding; he’s finally coming out of his shell. Maybe too much. I’m beginning to suspect that the boy’s a freak. Lately, just as I’m warming up he starts licking me, everywhere. I delight in a nice tongue lashing as much as the next girl but this isn’t normal. He licks my nipples; nice. He licks my neck; hot. He licks the inside of my ear which gets me a little squeamish. He licks my cheek. He licks my forehead. He licks my nose. He licks my eyelids. He licks until feel like I’m being fucked by Marmaduke.  

Is there something wrong with him? How do I tell him that I don’t enjoy all the licking without hurting his feelings? -From Tracy.

 

In the interest of fairness I first have to ask you if you’ve switched to a new face cream? Is it possible that you are using a new brand that smells like ice cream and bacon? If that were the case then it wouldn’t be his fault because there is no man alive who can resist ice cream and bacon. I’d personally lick the downy fur off the ass off Rosie O if it tasted like ice cream and bacon.

I'll bet it does taste like ice cream and bacon too!

 

If you don’t smell like bacon however, your boyfriend is retarded. Or he’s a werewolf. Maybe he’s a retarded werewolf. Maybe the salty sweat that’s a product of your lovemaking is as irresistible to him as ice cream and bacon would be to a normal man. Now that I think about it, he’s definitely a werewolf.

 

I wouldn’t tell him it bothers you. I’d endure his coarse, hungry tongue until the next new moon. That evening, while he is receiving his secret, coded messages directly from Wolf Blitzer’s oddly luminous eyes on The Situation Room, drug his Mountain Dew with as much Xanex as you can before it starts to taste good. (That would be a lot) Then when he is completely passed out, stab him 3 times in the heart with a #2 pencil being sure to fill in the answer fully and not go outside the lines. Next, wrap his body in a Confederate flag (unless you think he’d find that offensive?) and bury it in a long abandoned opal mine near your home.

He's the alpha wolf.

I hope you follow my well googled advice to a T; for all of our sakes.

 

You’re welcome people! Now I need more questions please. You can leave them in the comments or email me zodifl@hotmail.com if you wish to remain annonymous.

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October 7, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | 57 Comments

Scarier than Paula Abdul on Phetanyl

My first brush with the absurdity of fundamentalist Christianity came when my mom took me to a born again church when I was little. I only had to go a couple times but I knew even then that something was very significantly wrong with these people. Don’t get me wrong, I do consider myself a Christian. However, I knew right away that the babbling, chanting, sparkly eyed zealots did scare the living shit out of me. They all looked like Paula Abdul after licking her phetanyl patch, and acted like Andy Dick after snorting an 8-ball. The phrase ‘I love Jesus; it’s his fan club I have a problem with’ comes to mind.

 Since then I’ve had a weird obsession with these people. Like the elusive Meer cat, they are fascinating to observe in their natural, undisturbed environment. So in my never ending quest for blog material, I happened upon a particularly outlandish website called Rapture Ready.

 I couldn’t really say what I expected, but what I found completly blew my doors off. This is an exclusive website for window lickers with like minded beliefs. These like minded beliefs include some of the following, and I am not making any of this up;

~Any minute now, a giant trumpet is going to sound, and they are going to be whisked away to paradise, leaving everyone else on earth to suffer terribly for 7 years followed by the end of the world. AND they are ecstatic about this certainty!

~ Anyone who doesn’t believe that the earth is 6 thousand years old is an agent of Satan.

~Even other types of religious people like Catholics and Rick Warren are agents of the beast and hell bound.

~Any form of yoga or meditation is opening your soul up to demonic possession.

~That anyone who cares about the environment is an earth worshipping pagan. The earth is to be raped and destroyed according to God’s will.

~That Obama is probably the Antichrist incarnate.

~That Reagan was God, and Bush was Jesus. Well ok, I did exaggerate that one, but the feelings among these people are close enough for horseshoes.

~That Buddha and Gandhi are roasting in hell, but Hitler may be in heaven if he was saved.

~That a magic 8-ball may possibly be possessed by Satan.

~Book burning should be a national pastime. Especially the Harry Potter series, the Twilight series, and anything by Richard Dawkins.

~That mental illness is in fact demonic possession.

~That too much thought or compassion is actually an evil trick pulled by…..wait for it,…………………….Satan!

~That all god fearing Christians should have a multitude of pistols, assault rifles, and other misc. NRA approved weapons readily available in the den, bedroom, and refrigerator.

Sorry I could go on and on, but then I would have a freaky, scary website dedicated to white supremacists, guns, and hate. This may be the first time I’ve actually realized what a dangerous thing the internet can be. 20 years ago you would have had to been born in the bible belt, took the short bus to a school that taught that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs in the ‘Eden derby’, and then stayed in your home town to work the gun counter at Wal-Mart, to have held these beliefs. Maybe AOL, Verizon, Comcast, and the rest of the ISP’s should start requiring an IQ test, and if you qualify you receive a ‘surfing license’ for internet use.

Really, I had expected to probably be mildly entertained, and to definitely find some material for a blog. I did not expect to be so profoundly disturbed. I can not stay on that site for longer than 5 minutes without almost getting sick. If you spend more than 10 minutes around these people, even in cyberspace, your brain will literally melt, leak out of your ears, and pool on your lap.

These people are vile, hateful, ignorant, racist inbreds, feeding on fear and sustaining themselves on the certainty that Jesus is going to ride down on a cloud and take them to the promised land on a magic elevator.

I personally can’t fathom how a God that created all of this beauty, all of this perfection, could possibly be petty, jealous, and vengeful. Those seem like fairly unenlightened human emotions to me, but I guess I’m lacking faith.

It seems to me that the people who scream his name the loudest are the ones most in need of learning tolerance, peace, love, and acceptance. Then again I was under the impression that someone tried to teach those virtues a couple thousand years ago.

I lost a great many brain cells researching this blog. I hope you appreciate it!

May 7, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , | 4 Comments