One of the extra special treats about living in this mountain village in southern Spain has got to be all the free, hot, live porn. Unfortunately it’s all beast on beast action. You see the old-school Catholics here don’t believe in birth control, even for their pets. I do use that term loosely as most dogs and cats have never seen the inside of a house. Or a Vet. That right is reserved for working animals, i.e.: horses, mules, goats, and chickens that get to live on the ground floor of some of the locals houses. I shit you not. No matter where they live though, they fill their days making hot sweet love.
See I grew up in the city so most of this is brand new to me. Being rather inexperienced in animal copulation some of these things filled me with shock and awe, disgust and fascination.
–‘Hung like a horse’ is not just an expression, those things are packing heat, I mean they’re carrying a baseball bat around under there. No wonder they trot and prance, I’d be proud too.
–I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a pig’s dick but, wtf is that about? It’s like this big corkscrew connected to a power drill. It’s a demonically scary train wrecky thing that you can’t look away from. I promise it will give you nightmares.
–I never knew this but apparently dogs have favorite partners too. I have a friend whose dog will walk seven miles, past dozens of other horny dogs to get to his favorite booty call.
–Dogs can be pretty MacGyver-ish when it comes to getting some. I’ve actually seen a female scoot herself up to a bench just to give a little dog a chance. Sweet girl.
–When dogs, especially the ill-fitted couples, get surprised or scared during sexy time, they get stuck. At least once a day I hear a soul piercing shriek of pure agony. As funny as it is, I really, really do fell horrible for them and would love to help, but I don’t know what to do. It’s this jumble of biting, clawing, howling, writhing fur, and I wouldn’t know where to start. I’m pretty sure some of the old farmers know, but they just point and laugh. Bastards.
When everything under the sun is screwing everything else you end up with some pretty fugly breeds. I’ve seen dogs running around that could only be the result of dalmations mating with pugs, black labs mating with shitzu’s, and a dog with,.. well I’m pretty sure a pig. Some of these creatures could not be dreamed up by Salvador Dali on a week long peyote trip.
Bob Barker would NOT be pleased.