Those prophetic words, sung out in rapturous melancholy over 3 decades ago by the man in black ma…. No, not Johnny Cash, I mean Jim Morrison. He wasn’t the man in black? But he always wore black. Sorry. Anyway, those prophetic words may be finally coming to fruition. On New Year’s Eve, birds began falling out of the sky, dead before they hit the ground and were presumably stepped on or driven over with irritation and mild disgust. By Saturday morning there were 5,000 dead birds littering the ground in the small, rural community of Beebe Arkansas. A town which was named after the wealthy Governor, I think. That’s also the governor’s name so it seems awfully coincidental, I mean, what do you expect from rednecks?
It doesn’t matter what you expect from rednecks, really. The 5,000 dead blackbir.… “No, there were definitely 4,858 dead Red Winged Blackbirds” said eyewitness Raymond Babbitt. “Definitely Red Winged Blackbirds, definitely 4,858 dead Red Winged Blackbirds. It’s definitely the beginning of the biblical apocalypse, uh oh.”
This bizarre incident was only the beginning however, as other poor southern states hoped to get in on the new bird apocalypse tourist industry and so reported mass ornithoid deaths of their own. Soon Kentucky, Louisiana and Texas had joined the Dead Wing Club causing residents in those states to go out and buy beer, cigarettes and Garth Brooks CD’s. By the next morning Europe had joined the fray with Sweden chiming in and reporting the deaths of at least 50 Jackoffs. Almost all of them listened to Yanni and shopped at IKEA. I tried to reach Lisbeth Salander for comment, since she’s the only Nordic chick I know but so far she just keeps calling me Bastard Kalle Fucking Oglesby and immediately slamming the phone down. That bitch has issues, in my opinion. But she’s super hot and nifty with the computer so I still love her hard.
Before long this global phenomena had spread, like herpes on a warm butter knife, to marine life and fresh new cases were reported in Kent England with 40 Devil Craps, Brazil with an estimated 100 tons of fish (although it’s hard to tell for certain since the scientists in charge of records kept getting laid by amazingly hot and well groomed beach goers and losing count), Chesapeake Bay Maryland with 100k fish, and thousands more in Florida. However authorities believe the fish in Florida probably went there specifically to die.
“These incidents have people worried.” Said Stephen Foster, media spokesman for The Organization for the Representation of Public Sentiment. “Other prevalent emotions include anxiousness, anger, disappointment and feelings of inadequacy. Though the last one is primarily due to the public’s tiny penis size.” Foster went on to clarify during his press conference on Friday.
Bill O’Reilly stirred the pot by blaming the birds themselves for instigating the trend. “It has to be said,” O’Reilly stated during his show Friday, “these blackbirds are 100% to blame for this. Poor Irish and German birds came over and made a better life for themselves. These blackbirds started this with their gangster rap talking about their bitches and ho’s and cappin somebody’s ass and this is what happens. The community turns on itself and you have this blackbird on blackbird violence, culminating in 5,000 dead birds in Arkansas in a single day.”
“Definitely 4, 858 dead Red-Winged Blackbirds.” Raymond Babbitt interjected from the guest panel.
“That’s right,” O’Reilly went on “this retarded guy knows his facts!”
“I’m definitely not retarded. Asshole.” Babbitt replied scathingly.
Dennis Miller then chimed in with, “I wonder if Huckabee used the Phonoi and Androktasiai to trick Cernunnos by using Limos and Hysminai in causing this massive genocide like a militant Idi Amin wiping out a Ugandan village because he didn’t like the local farmers’ cassava output, you know what I mean Bill?”
“Yep, yes, you got em Dennis.” Bill O’Reilly lied.
“Uh oh.” agreed Babbitt.
O’Reilly said in closing, “It’s getting so normal, respectable, Christian whites with western European ancestry can’t walk down the street without being struck about the head and shoulders with bloody bird carcasses. It’s a disgrace.”
The latest incident saw 8 thousand turtle doves fall from the sky in Italy, their beaks stained with blue. While this is a normal sign of hypoxia, Silvio Berlusconi offered this explanation, “They are stupid, stupid animal. Why are you for caring?”
Scientists worldwide have offered up some plausible (alien death rays, an angry God) and some ridiculous (fireworks, cold water, disease) explanations and have urged restraint and common sense but this reporter doesn’t buy any of it.
Big, big things are happening folks, and they are going to keep happening, even escalating, maybe, until the end of the fucking world. But don’t quote me on that.
Before you get all self righteous and indignant, let me very clearly start out by saying that of course I don’t want anybody to die. I don’t even want anybody to get sick. I know that none of you do either. What we do want, and in fact love though, is the next big scare.
I know that I’m not the only sick twisted individual. I know that most of us are all the same. I’ve seen the heart of man and found it lacking. If it does not affect you directly or anyone you know, then let er rip. It’s finally something substantial to talk about at the water cooler, the local pub, or the opium den; wherever it is that you gather and converse. Whoever you are and wherever you go, you can plainly see the barely concealed glimmer of excitement and hope that there is something, anything, going on.
We are now officially a society of grinning, yellow parka wearing, weathermen swaying on the white sand beaches of Key West, huffing and puffing at the camera about how this is the big one, this could reach a cat 5. While behind us looks for all the world, exactly like a corona commercial espousing the virtues of tranquility and alcohol.
Most of us grew up on ‘The A Team’ and ‘Knight Rider’ (before Hasselhoff could be found making sweet love to a Wendy’s hamburger with his face.) We grew up with ‘Rambo’ and ‘The Terminator’. I know that I was definitely supposed to be ‘Indiana Jones’ by now, damn it. Instead of running through the jungle, kung fu fighting, and blowing shit up in spectacular fashion, most of us (although not me, ha-he) are rotting away in a post-industrial wasteland, lit by phosphorescent lighting, sitting, always sitting, in a cubicle. I doubt that even ten percent of us are living up to even our most mundane childhood fantasies. So when a chance for excitement comes, any chance, we cling to it with a quiet desperation.
We love it because we love adrenaline, it’s the last vestige of our fight or flight animal nature. Most of us are now so far removed from any real danger that our minds clutch at the slightest promise of any true, real, red alert, elevated risk, dangerous danger. Even if it’s in the form of a 100 degree temperature and some aches and pains. Possibly the dreaded nausea. Yes people have died, but more people die from bizarre S and M accidents. Swine flu is scary because it’s the unknown and the unknown is always scary. Beautifully, deliciously, scary!
It’s must be absolutely terrifying for Muslims as the biggest disgrace they could ever endure is being buried with a pig or part of a pig. It’s one of those things that you wouldn’t do to your worst enemy. This would be like getting raped by Satan at the cellular level. That would suck. Getting raped by Satan I mean.
Anyway if I was wrong about human nature there would not be so many 24 hour, all ridiculous all the time, news networks out there. CNN, MSNBC, Fox, The Doomsday Channel, and the always popular Apocalypse Nightly. If you really pay attention it’s always ‘the end’ on these shows. The end of our civil liberties, the end of our sovereignty, the end of America as we know it, the collapse of Glenn Beck’s emotions, the explosion of Bill O’Reilly’s head. The end of the world, baby!
All I’m really saying is that I think everybody (especially me) still daydreams that their life will miraculously turn into an action movie. It’s exactly these kind of news stories, this fatalism, that keeps the ‘I Am Legend’ flame lit. Yep, it’ll be Will Smith and me kicking ass, taking names, and saving humanity. Well maybe Will Smith, me, and Sanjay Gupta.