Zodi’s Blog

Angry Letters

Tiger Woods to Cadillac

 

That's ME

  

I’m writing to express my utter and complete disgust with your product and services. Cadillac and the On-Star that you supposedly provide have left me hanging in a major way. When I bought when you gave me this vehicle, I had nothing but the highest expectations. I mean you are Cadillac for Christ sakes, you’re supposed to be the best. At least the best that America can offer….which should have put up a red flag right away. I realize now that I should have just moved to fucking Europe and made Mercedes or Jaguar give me a car. And they would have too; I AM Tiger Fucking Woods God Damn It. I am the greatest golfer, no the greatest athlete, no the greatest man that the world has ever known. Ever. And what did you do? You fucked me Cadillac, that’s what you did!    

My complaints actually started off long before ‘the unpleasantness’ as I now refer to that retched evening. First, your representatives promised me the darkest possible window tint. Well, they weren’t nearly dark enough. I can’t possibly tell you how many times that I was receiving oral satisfaction outside of a respectable establishment and someone walked by trying to leer in my windows. I swear that they could see something, I could tell by the puzzled expressions on their peasant faces. It was almost enough to make me lose my erection. Not quite, but almost. I AM the greatest athlete that the world has ever known, mind you. Do you have any idea what would happen to me if those low-life, bottom feeding jackals at TMZ ever got wind of something like that? Never mind, I guess you do.       

That's your underperformance at work!

  

    

Let’s now move on to the evening of ‘the unpleasantness.’ I fully realize that you can not be blamed for my personal transgressions. That being said however, it IS your products responsibility to get me the hell out of that God Damned sand trap when I do shank one. And you failed me. Miserably! Not only does your poor excuse for a vehicle perform poorly on grass, but one tree can take it out? This is supposed to be a formidable SUV and it slid over that grass like my wife’s Carradan’s slaloming down the fucking French Alps. Then, when I merely bump into a sapling, the fucking thing dies quicker than MJ with a prescription pad.    

Oh, and there was no ‘invisibility cloak’ feature at all. I admit that it sounded implausible to me when you representative promised it in exchange for a slice of one of my ‘side pies.’ Just one more example of your under-performing, b-game company at work.    

I also take umbrage with the low quality of your windows. I’m not Snoop Dag or some such cretin, I don’t need bullet proof glass but for Christ sakes you’d think it could withstand the minimal torque of an anorexic Swede wielding an 8-iron. It’s just inexcusable is what it is!    

Lastly On-Star has managed to royally fuck up my day. I even did ads for the bastards. I press the fucking button and they are supposed to be there in a flash to whisk me away to the batcave….or ….I mean to safety.  Where were you when I needed you? In your complete negligence you allowed the police and subsequently the God Damned, bloodsucking press to get to the scene first. Utterly reprehensible is what it is!    

On the positive side, your vehicle has allowed me to pull some fine assed babes, and I mean that literally of course. So even as angry and disgusted as I am with you, I’m willing to give you another chance provided that you provide ME with another pimped out ride. And this time I’d appreciate the really tough glass, really dark tinted windows, and the invisibility cloak. –If you guys really have that thing. I appreciate your prompt attention to this. Oh, make this one white.    

Tiger Fucking Woods.

January 2, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | 31 Comments