James Patterson info
Birth date: 3-22-47
Current City: The Beach House Florida
Relationship Status: Married
Looking for: Ambitious author with a strong desire to make some extra $$. You must be a creative self-starter, and be willing to take your pride out behind the woodshed and shoot it in the back of the head with a big, black gun of some make or model. –I’ll need whoever I next employ to correct that last sentence please.
Activities: Coming up with book ideas and getting other people to write them, sleeping, checking my bank account, getting my name out there, emotionally and financially raping up and coming authors and frowning for the camera.
Interests: Becoming the best known author…or writer…huh(?) for the least memorable work. No, I’m serious. This pays the bills in a big way.
TV Shows: All of my books will be TV shows soon.
Books: I don’t read, but I do write (outlines).
Quotes: “Show me the Money” –some scientologist.
About Me: I’ve revolutionized the book business. (Now picture in your head Alex Cross pointing at you and saying) “If you don’t like it you can kiss my black ass.” –see why I don’t write my own shit? I got all muddled up there. Hang on let me call Andrew Gross…. Ok, all I want to be is the most thrillingest writer to have ever lived.
James Paterson’s Wall
April 3rd James Patterson– Hiya fans, come check out my award winning website James Patterson.com. USA Today called it the best new interactive website by an author this year!
Michael Ledwidge and Maxine Paetro Like This.
James Patterson Joined the group 1000 monkeys with a 1000 typewriters.
James Patterson wrote on Russell Crowe’s wall.
James Patterson wrote on Gerald Butler’s wall.
~Gerald Butler – No.
James Patterson joined the group, If 100,000 people join this group I’ll bet we can get Gerald Butler to play Michael Bennett.
~Michael Ledwidge Likes This.
April 4th J.K. Rowling – What the fuck is this I hear? Now ‘you’ are writing about Wizards? You and your team of fucking day-laborers are writing about wizards? What is it with you? Are you mentally ill? OCD? You have some type of nefarious scheme to dumb down the entire world? What the fuck is it?
Stephen King Likes This
~James Patterson – There is no need to be rude. I just don’t believe that there are enough good books for young adults. If you give a kid something hard like Crime and Punishment or a Kathleen Neville book they’ll get turned off of reading. I’m just dong what I can to help.
~J.K. Rowling – Oh yea, you’re helping, you big headed idiot.
James Patterson became a fan of The Women’s Murder Club.
James Patterson became a fan of Alex Cross.
April 5th James Patterson – Can you guys believe that Micheal Bennett has 13 adopted, minority kids? It really makes him lovable doesn’t it?
Michelle Duggar Likes This.
April 5th James Patterson – Hiya fans. I’m now accepting applications for writers. I have to fill 3 positions this week. Must have a high school diploma, and a good feel for the ‘grit’ on the ‘street.’ Did I say that right?
~ Dan Brown – I’m willing to offer commissioned assistance with adjectives on a consultant basis for the present time.
~Stephen King – Ugh. You are both just…awful. Really.
~ James Patterson – Shut up King or I’ll hire Koontz to come over and kick your ass.
~ Dan Brown – See JP, I would change that sentence to, “Quiet yourself Stephen or I’ll contract Koontz for extradition to wallop you.
~ James Patterson – Wowee Dan!
James Patterson became a fan of Maximum Ride.
April 7th James Patterson – Hiya fans. Out this week in hardback; Cross-Examine, Triple-Crossed, Maximum Ride 7: Barely Legal, Maximum Ride 8: Rode Hard and Put Away Wet, and 12 Dead is One Dozen. Out this week in paperback; Cross-Stitch, A Hard Right Cross, 10 Murdered Prostitutes and 11 Pipers Piping.
James Patterson Joined the group Pimpin Ain’t Easy.
April 9th James Patterson – Stephen King just called me the Wal-Mart of Literalism!
~ Stephen King – No, I called you the Wal-Mart of Literature and it wasn’t meant to be a compliment.
~ Dan Brown – @King – Nobody anguishes over your conjecture King. We are the ones making the fat stacks, so suck it you burgeoning bully!
~ Stephen King – Dan, do you know what burgeoning means? Why don’t you go ahead and use it in another sentence. I love reading your unedited, exquisite prose.
~ Dan Brown – Okay smarty pants….ok, Overhanging her precarious body, Robert Langdon saw a burgeoning face with jaundiced, yellowish skin and gray, dirty-snowy, whitish colored hair and gasped.
~ Stephen King – Holy shit Dan. Please don’t ever, ever stop.
~ James Patterson – Wow that was really great Dan!
April 10th James Patterson – Putting a call out to authors interested in writing between 30 and 70 (depending on sales) books about adolescent vampires. It’s a great way to get your name out there!
~ Stephenie Meyer – I’m calling my lawyer.
April 13th James Patterson – Hiya fans, come over and visit my website to vote for your favorite 100 James Patterson books of all time!
~ Dan Brown – Hey, maybe we should form a collaboration together? I’ll bet your readers would love to know that there is an Egyptian Obelisk right here in the USA, and other fantastic mystical questions abounding.
~ Stephen King – Oh my fucking God…..
Jesse James info
Sex: Hell yea
Birth date: 4-19-1969-hell yea
Current City: 90210 bitch
Relationship Status: Married
Looking for: How about some f**king discretion
Activities: Building Choppers, staying sober, casual dining, everything tattoo, sunsets, and long walks on the beach.
Interests: Bikes not booze, babes not blow, crack not crack, hotties not heroin.
Music: Luther Vandross, Barry White, anything by Rhapsody, and bad jazz.
TV Shows: I don’t watch TV.
Movies: Every Jesse James movie ever made. My great, great grandpa was the original Jesse James’ cousin!
Books: How to’s and do it yourselfs’. And anything about my relation Jesse James.
Quotes: “I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments” –Morrison. “God is Dead” –Nietzsche
About Me: I’m a soft-spoken, self starter who will ‘get er done.’ I’ve perfected the arts of being ‘grownup cute’ and having puppy dog eyes. I’ve worked hard and married above my station. I’m a humble, good guy. (Even though I’m related to Jesse James)
Jesse James Wall
March 7th Jesse James– My beautiful and talented wife brought home the gold (and the bacon lol) again! SO proud of you hunny!
Tim McGraw, Kathy Bates and 17 others Like This.
March 8th Jesse James found the secret stash in Mafia Wars and needs your help to launder it.
March 13th Jesse James– Wifey is dragging me to a stupid thing at stupid Wal-Mart tonight.
~Stedman Graham– I know how it can be….stinks sometimes. But hey, they’ll probably have cake!
~K-Fed– Brit always used to make me go to those wack-ass promo things. But as long as homegirl is stackin that paper it’s all good in the hood! Yo call me. I need a fiz-avor!
March 14th Brad Pitt– Dude. Stop calling me. It was just a movie. Just because I played a character doesn’t mean I want a history class. I heard he’s not even your uncle or whatever you say he is any-damn-way. No, I don’t want to ‘hang out’ with you, so leave me the hell alone.
~Jesse James– I’ll email you later but I just found something about Robert Ford on Wiki that I think you’ll be interested in. It seems that in……
March 15th Jesse James– Oh that lying, stinking, Irish skank! Some people will do anything for their 15 minutes of fame! I hope nobody believes this crap. I wouldn’t f**k her with Donald Trump’s dick!
Donald Trump, Kobe Bryant, and Bill Clinton Like This.
~K-Fed– Them dirty bitches be lyin man! I got your back yo. Call me when you get a minute.
~Bill Clinton– I feel your pain brother. As long as you didn’t leave any ‘DNA’ you should be ok. And oral isn’t sex. If that’s what you did. Is that what you did? If you have any video or photographic evidence of anything send it to me and I’ll be happy to take care of it.
~Jesse James– Now Sandra moved out. I’m finished.
~K-Fed– House Partay!
~Tiger Woods– Look Jesse, lying in these situations doesn’t get you anywhere but in a deep sand trap of shit. Too many people are trying to knock you down when you’re on top of the world. I should know. You need to just man-up and handle your business. Squash this shit while you have the chance!
~ K-Fed– @Tiger “Handle your business? Man up? Squash this?” You sound blacker than me for once. Congratulations.
March 17th Jesse James changed his relationship status to ‘it’s complicated.’
March 18th Tim McGraw– You are a piece of shit, you know that? She’s way too good for you, and I done told her that too. I hope you go straight to hell you slimy …..biker guy.
~Jesse James– FUCKYOU YOU REDNECK FUCK! You don’t want to make me mad. You won’t like me when I’m mad. You don’t know my bloodline, so back the fuck off!
~Tim McGraw– Oh look at the class! I know you’re not related to the REAL Jesse James, everybody knows that. You’re making yourself look like a fool. And I never liked you!
~Jesse James– I’ll bet you’re right there with the shoulder to cry on huh? Hey I have an idea! Why don’t you take your shit-kicking hat, shove it up your shit-kicking ass, and mosey right the fuck back to whatever shit-kicking town you came from. GO CHEW ON SOME HAY YOU FUCKING FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~K-Fed– @Tim- Yea fuck you!
March 18th Jay Leno– Sorry if this is a bad time but is my Chopper done yet? It’s like two months behind schedule and I feel like I’m being a little disrespected. I’m just saying…..
March 20th Mel Gibson– Jesse you really need to call your sponsor and get to a meeting. Nobody has seen you for awhile and we are all worried and praying for you. Maybe now would be a good time to accept Christ into your heart?
~Alice Cooper- Mel’s right, call me.
March 22nd Jesse James– I made my amends. I’ve done everything I can do. People (Sandra and ‘friends’) need to forgive me and forget about it. Is she going to have a heart and take me back? What do you guys think????
~Tiger Woods– You have to be patient. Keep with the sad faces and things will eventually work themselves out. It does help to be the main bread-winner of the family though.
~Mark Sanford– No. Women are spiteful, hateful creatures. She’ll be on Stewart next month promoting a book she wrote about your inadequate penis size. We should move to South America and live the good life.
~ Hugh Grant– Can’t say. These birds are bloody unpredictable. Idn’t it?
~Kobe Bryant– Were you found innocent in court? @Tiger- yea man, that cash do help.
~K-Fed– If not I got two words for you…Alimony! I can put you in touch with my guy, he’s a beast!! You still didn’t call me yet?
~Bill Clinton– If you can convince her it was only oral…then yes, she’ll come back. (but she’ll be bitchy like forever) Was it oral? Send me a tape. Yea?