Yesterday another world record for stupidity was broken as the first known DUI on a barstool occurred. A 28 year old was charged with the crime after wrecking his makeshift ‘drunken self transporter machine.’ Which is a barstool welded onto a 5 horsepower lawnmower. Apparently the stooge on a stool had been driving the contraption for months.
After astounded police arrived on the scene Kile Wygle admitted to drinking “a lot” which it turns out means 15 beers, or a ‘hillbilly six pack’ as it is known among his peers.
Kile Wygle, I assume is a real person and not some human clone of Wylie Coyote juxtaposed into our unfortunate world. Although you can easily picture Wylie, I mean Kile’s face as he started to slide off of that barstool and slide onto the asphalt.
The inebriated Tim Allen, tool-time wannabee was released from the hospital yesterday with minor injuries and a major hangover.
The Ohio resident was also charged with driving on a suspended license. I can only assume the suspension was for driving with self styled beer goggles and not his required corrective lenses.
Still, I have to admire the engineering prowess of his successfully combining his two favorite pastimes… drinking, and sitting on a bar stool drinking, with the extra added convenience of mobility.
The true tragedy in this was the fact that ‘Killian Kile’ hadn’t completed the addition of a built in catheter, allowing him to remain seated for everything but sleep and court appearances.
I am proud to know that Americans still have the ingenuity to both injure themselves and get arrested in new and outrageous ways, proving that we are still the envy of the free world.
My only surprise about this story was that it didn’t happen in Florida.