Guy Who Looks Like That Guy in the Irish Spring Soap Commercial: If you looked up the Dunning-Kruger effect in the encyclopedia there would be a photo of Sarah Palin.
Amazingly Hot White Girl Wearing a Funny Hat, Like the Kind the Stoners Wear: I know, right? Then there would totally be a picture of some overweight mid-western truck driver and his wife, and they’d be standing in front of their gun rack and you’d see Glenn Beck on their TV in the background.
Guy Who Looks Like That Guy in the Irish Spring Soap Commercial: Yea. Fuck yea.
Amazingly Hot White Girl Wearing a Funny Hat, Like the Kind the Stoners Wear: This hat is itching the shit outta my head, ugh.
— On the campus of White Mountain Community College.
Debbie Does Dover
Old Man in Fur Hat: I heard the Pattison girl is buying the old Hemler property.
Old Man in Flannel Coat: What?
Another Old Man in another Flannel Coat: Debbie? She’s 58 years old. Hardly a girl now is she?
Old Man in Fur Hat: She’s younger than me.
Old Man in Flannel Coat: I have to take a leak.
— Bus stop in Dover
Man in Bar #1: I heard that Jimmy Mullen dropped acid the other day.
Man In Bar #2: Yea, he got really messed up by that stuff man.
Woman in Bar: What happened.
Man #2: He was etching a new window for the Presbaterian church and knocked it off the table. That hydrofluoric acid burned his foot and calf up something fierce. Pity
Man #1: Shame
Man #2: They should take up a collection. You know, at the church.
—A local bar in Portsmouth.
Live Free or Die
Eckhart Tolle, Speaking on Campus at Dartmouth: You know, this state motto has always bothered me; it’s a false dichotomy. How exactly does one quantify the word freedom? And in what sense would one, supposedly, rather die than ‘not’ live free? For none of us are ever truly free until we are finally able to throw off the bowlines of physicality and set sail onto the brilliantly empty sea of death that can only be achieved through giving up one’s past identity as well as their stake in the future. This process will be expedited by purchasing my books and CD’s.
Student #1: No dude, I think it’s just a motto, like Virginia being for gay lovers or whatever. .
Student #2: Virginia is for lovers moron.
Student #1: Well, it’s also for gay lovers. I have a gay uncle that loves it down there.
Student #2: oh, word.
Eckhart Tolle: Stay in the moment people.
Earl: Did you hear that a colored family moved in last week?
Earl’s friend: You’re supposed to just say black these days Earl.
Earl: But they aren’t black.
Earl’s friend: Well, what are they?
Earl: I don’t know… Middle Eastern I think.
Earl’s Friend: Jesus killers or suicide bombers?
—Denny’s on Route 6
I’m going to Paris tomorrow morning so I won’t be around for a little over a week. I won’t be setting foot anywhere near an internet if I can help it. What I will be doing is looking for the eccentric millionaire widow that will keep me ‘kept,’ since I never did find her in Florence. She was there but I think she was just playing it cool and biding her time until I went to Paris so she could sink her hooks into me in La Ville-Lumière. I also plan to find out how Jim Morrison really died as well. My preliminary opinion is that he was murdered by heroin loving aliens that were conjured (do you conjure an alien?) by his witch girlfriend Patricia Kennealy. Like an intergalactic hit. Or maybe it had something to do with Che Guevara. The point is, I’m going to find out.
So for today I’m going to keep it simple. This may seem like a quick, cheap post that kept me from having to actually think about what I was typing. I can assure you that it is. But it’s also important because these questions have been bothering me anywhere from 30 years to 5 minutes ago. If any of you are able to answer any of these questions then you will be awarded 10 points per answer. You will have to use the honor system sinse I don’t know if you are right or not. So if you know you’re right, then you give yourself the points. Whoever has the most points at the end of the game fucking WINS! You will be the Winner. And you can’t beat that with stupid cash money!
-Are old men really that judgmental or does dying just hurt like hell and cause them to grimace?
-Why do so many dumb people think that they are smart? And I’m not buying the Dunning Kruger effect either. That only applies to a specific field. I’m talking in sweeping generalities here.
-Why is pop music in Europe so ridiculously bad?
-Why are there no baby pigeons?
-Why don’t you ever hear about baby shark attacks? Some surfer gets a big toe gnawed off or something. You know, like a puppy would do if the puppy were a shark.
-If you are sailing around the world, when does east become west? This is probably a dumb question but I know even less about navigating that I know about farming.
-Why do girls happily walk around in a bikini all day but get all “everyone is trying to eye rape me” when they are in a bra and panties? Don’t ask me why they were in their bra and panties, it’s just hypothetical. Oh wait, no it’s not. I remember why this upsets me. It’s like when one of my girlfriends forgot her bathing suit and we stopped at a nearly empty beach but she still wouldn’t get in with me even though we had plenty of towels and then after I got in she made me feel guilty for making us late to her cousin’s barbecue. So what is the difference anyway?
-What in the hell happened to Tom Selleck? Does he still have the stash?
-How do certain animals know to cross the road only at their own designated crossings? I’ve never seen a deer at an alligator crossing and I’ve taken many trips through the Everglades.
-Why are there no Asian or Eastern European cops? Is it a coincidence that those are two of the areas that we used to be hostile with? You don’t see any Muslim cops either come to think of it. Hmmm.
-Why is Waldo wanted? Why isn’t there a reward offered? It would certainly help.
-After you fill your car’s gas tank why does the first half last almost forever but the second half run like Usain Bolt would run if he took more steroids that were mixed with meth?
-Who buys grapes with seeds and why?
-Did Z Cavaricci invest his profits from the first two years? I hope so.
-After you have exploding diarrhea for two days staight it seems like at least your stomach should be nice and flat but it never is. It’s always puffy and bloated. Why? There should be some benifit.
-Why, even though I have a slight grasp of the laws of physics and the gravitation pull of the earth, do I picture people on the other side of the earth standing upside down?