Glenn Beck’s Info
About Me: I don’t have any other info up because why would I? They already know my date of birth, addresses, education, assets, investments, whether I had sex with my dear wife Tania this week, if I’ve eaten too much sugar or, GOD FORBID, SALT. They know which movies I enjoy, THEY EVEN KNOW THE COLOR OF MY COLON, PEOPLE! This is the liberal/Stalinist/Machiavellian/Italian?/Indonesian/Islamic and definitely UN-America culture of Big Brother that Obamamania has imposed with bad bad Leroy Brown (and Brown University is just another breeding ground for liberal elitists who want to know the color of MY COLON!) intentions. Do you see how obvious it is now?
Glenn Beck’s Wall
Nov 9th Glenn Beck – On sale now- the funniest, wildest, craziest, downright ridiculous outtakes from my nightly show. Oct 5th through Oct 9th Edition. Beck Gone Wild, Too Crazy for Cable!!! Buy now, only $14.99!! These box sets make great collectors items!! Buy now!!!!
Nov 10th Glenn Beck – Coming up on tonight’s show, I’ll prove that the Black Panthers, in collusion with Acorn, are trying to steal your wives and daughters and plan to ‘turn them out’ and make them their personal bitches and ho’s. It all becomes crystal clear when you exam the street lingo they use. Phrases such as “once you go black, you never go back” run much deeper than you’ve ever imagined. YOU’LL BE SHOCKED AND APPALED!!
~ Rush Limbaugh – I’ve been saying this about Ebonics for years now. It’s all a scam. They just want white women and big tires.
~ Larry Craig – Those naughty, naughty, big, black men need to be punished!
~ Eliot Spitzer – Where is all this going on? It should be stopped.
~ Shawn Hannity – @Eliot; yea you’d like that wouldn’t you, you filthy fornicator? You’re destroying this great, great, great nation!
~ Michael Steele – “Bitch better have my money.” “I’ll put my work boot up yo ass!” “I’ma bout to go all Ike up in this bitch, Tina!”
~ Rush Limbaugh – @Michael- Simmer down Steele. Freak. You black freak.
Nov 11th Post Apocalyptic Pet Care – Hi Glenn! We were wondering if you’d like to sponsor our service. We feel that our brands have a perfect synergy.
~ Foodinsurance.com likes this.
~ Glenn Beck – $200k sign on. $30k per shoot (TV). $20K per taping (radio). $5K per tweet or FB update. 8% of all future revenue share with stock options and you have a deal. It’s standard.
Nov 11th Glenn Beck – I can not watch 7 Pounds without tearing up. It is the Saddest. Movie. EVER.
~ Will Smith likes this.
Nov 13th Glenn Beck – Tonight’s show exposes the murderous Hollywood elite, their drug addled henchmen and the evil influence they’ve bought in Washington. These guys kill for fun and profit. I’m almost positive that they are responsible for the deaths of Charlton Heston, Sony Bono and John Voight. Anyone who dares to speak up against their shadowy control is in their crosshairs and marked for death.
~ John Voight – The Fuck? I’m not dead.
Nov 13th Glenn Beck– Don’t forget to visit Post Apocalyptic Pet Care for all of your post apocalyptic pet care needs. Who else is going to walk Fido during the seven year tribulation?
~ Post Apocalyptic Pet Care likes this.
Nov 13th Glenn Beck – Tonight’s show exposes the murderous Hollywood elite, their drug addled henchmen and the evil influence they’ve bought in Washington. These guys kill for fun and profit. I’m almost positive that they are responsible for the deaths of Charlton Heston, Sony Bono and Ronald Reagan’s dog Rex. Anyone who dares to speak up against their shadowy control is in their crosshairs and marked for death.
~ John Voight likes this.
~ Shawn Hannity – I fear for you safety Glenn, I really do. God’s speed Sir!
~ Rush Limbaugh – I’ve been saying this stuff for years.
~ Ted Nugent – I hate those fucking fuckers. Ain’t taking my guns.
~ Larry Craig – Those naughty, naughty actors deserve punishment.
~ Chuck Norris – I’ll protect you Becksy. As you know there are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a roundhouse kick to the face. In fact there are none. Oh, also, I’m what Willis was talkin’ bout.
~ Hike Huckabee likes this.
Nov 16th Glenn Beck –It really burns my blood that wackos out there on the left are accusing me of being anti-Semitic because I dared to publicly denounce the Nazi devil Soros. He’s anti-Semitic. I’m pro-Semitic. I love Jews. I do, I really love Jews.
~ Alan Greenspan likes this
~ Shawn Hannity – It is the liberal Jews in this country who are anti-Semitic. And they are ruining this great, great, great country.
~ Ben Stein – We love you too Glenn!
~ Rush Limbaugh – I’ve been warning you people about Soros for years. Nobody listens El Rushbo anymore.
~ Larry David – Hey Glenn, are you my Israelite? Are you my Israelite? You are a fucking asshole Beck, you really are. Oh wait, I have a message from Susie. She says, “Fuuuuuckkkk Yoouuuuu!” Don’t feel bad though, that’s kind of her shtick.
~Glenn Beck – @Larry- you aren’t a real Jew who loves God and loves America. You’re an evil Hollywood Jew.
~Woody Allen – Beck, Lucifer just called and wants to know what time to expect you?
~ Shawn Hannity – @Woody- People like you (East Coast liberals, not Jewish people. I love Jewish people) are destroying this great, great, great country.
~ Jon Stewart – And fuck your mother’s mother. Now, go get your shine box!
~ Glenn Beck – Leave me alone Jon. You said you would in your rally thing.
Nov 17th Glenn Beck – On tonight’s show we’ll examine what the federal government, OPEC, a Saudi Prince, the liberal media, Queen Elizabeth II, and standardized testing in public schools have to do with MY COLON.
~ Shawn Hannity likes this.
~ Rush Limbaugh – I’ve been talking about my colon for years now.
~ Larry Craig – They are so naughty. YOU are so naughty Becksy!
~ Michael Steele – “I’ll be put my foot up your colon Beck” –That was my street voice.
~ Ben Stein – The queen is an evil, imperial evolutionist.
~ Chuck Norris – I once cleaned a man’s colon. By kicking him in the face.
~ Shawn Hannity – @Chuck, LMBO! Wait, that didn’t even make sense.
~ Susie Essman ‘Green’ – “Fuuuuuckkkk Yoouuuuu Beck!”
I think that these awkward posts are popular with many of you because, as I’ve gleaned from your comments, many of you can relate and empathize with me. However, if this one has the same effect and resonates with more than a handful of you then I’m either not half as crazy as I’ve always assumed that I was and that judge’s ruling was criminally incompetent which is ironic because that’s almost exactly how that bitch described my mental state… or the world really is going to end in 2012 which would be fine with me since it would both fit into my five year plan of success and also allow me to accomplish my goal of having lived my whole life without once ever having been a real adult with a real job.
Anyway, let’s do the damn thing.
I keep a mental scorecard of every relationship that I enter into no matter how casual. I don’t know if it’s because I’m half Italian and half Irish, or just because I am batshit crazy, but I can hold a grudge, even a grudge based on self delusion as well as a bearshark that has been sexually molested by a mackerel. –In case you don’t know, bearsharks can hold grudges against fish for a long, long time, and they especially hate mackerel.
Anyway, I am a petty, passive-aggressivey, douche baggy asshole and I’m aware of it, and I hate myself for it, and I try so hard to not be that way, but I just… Can’t…. Stop… Myself.
If I happen to grace a store clerk with one of my patented sideways grins on two separate occasions without it being reciprocated then you can guarantee that from then on underneath my cool exterior (not really) I will be mentally scowling and cursing the ungrateful peasant fuck until they make amends to me in a majorly serious way. And a head nod/have a nice day/wave isn’t going to cut it. I’d need something along the lines of a free Twix. Did you write that down Mrs. 7/11 lady from 1998?
This personal issue which is a minor problem in real life is exacerbated 10 fold in the virtual world because A) there is now a public record, so in my warped perceptions everyone else has taken note of my public dissing and B) I, like the complete asshole I am, can go back and count things. Like how many more times I returned your Facebook messages versus how many times you’ve returned mine. Or maybe I wished you a Happy Birthday and you didn’t wish me a drunken St. Patty’s day. Or since this blog thing, how many times you haven’t commented on my posts versus how many times I’ve commented on yours.
It doesn’t bother me so much with people I don’t like because I’m allowed to dislike/defriend/murder in my mind those people. But I drive myself crazy when it is people that I actually like and respect. But if I comment on their posts and/or status updates and they continuously ignore mine then I simply can NOT allow myself to continue. I can’t just become a virtual doormat. I’ll end up being covered in virtual dogshit.
I feel even worse about the situation when it was a long time commenter/friend and they suddenly stop commenting on my posts or cut down to an average of 1 out of every 3 or 4 posts and yet I see them around these here interwebs commenting on other peoples shit and I wonder what the fuck(?) suddenly happened to make me not worth the two minutes it would take them to say something about how awesome I am?
It’s even worse for me when this sort of thing progresses (only in my mind) and I begin to get so mad I can’t even see the person’s name without feeling a kind of seething resentment which turns my brains into mashed potatoes that Glenn Beck ate three days ago and just expelled into a port-o-potty. Or sometimes my OCD makes me feel like I have to comment anyway and will win out over my murdery anger, which allows my passive aggressive nature to shine forth brilliantly. If this happens I tell myself that I’ll be the bigger person and stop this war of attrition (which again, is only in my own mind) by just leaving a comment on their post. But it will be a short and not at all funny comment, damnit. If after my humble gesture of goodwill they still fail to reciprocate, then I will be forced to mentally repudiate them and I’ll unsuccessfully try to ignore the heartburny pain I feel when I see their name.
Unless of course they are nice to me again by telling me how awesome I am. If that happens then the whole retarded cycle will usually be put on reset.
Another ridiculously juvenile thing that I’ll do with both blogging and Facebook is the Hate-Compare. I’ll read bloggers that I can’t stand just to re-verify how lame I think they are. Also to make damn sure that they don’t receive more comments than I do, because if they did then I would seriously just have to quit. (As I read my own writing I am realizing that I’m much closer in emotional maturity to an eleven year old girl than to an adult male. Fuck me.) And if their Facebook page isn’t private, I’ll even check on old high school hates in the sick hope that their life isn’t going according to their old high school plans. (I thought you were going to be a big shot actor one day Brad. How’s that been working out for you?)
I’ve even went and physically counted birthday wishes (once) to make sure that I got more than my ex’s new flame got. I did, and they were way better too. Mine were more sincere, way funnier and I had more hot babes (you could tell from their profile picture) wishing me a happy birthday. So I fucking WIN!
I know in the rational part of my brain that my thoughts and behavior are asshole-like, and I’m not an asshole…or maybe I am but I don’t want to be… but it’s my very asshole-like, scorecard-keeping nature that prevents me from being able to stop being such an asshole.
I obviously wrote this post tongue in cheek. Unless I didn’t. But don’t just assume that I’m writing about you because I’m honestly not. I’m not that much of an asshole.
The Buddha’s Info
Sex: I have the sexual organs of a God! Too bad that God is Buddha. Haha!
Birth date: 563 Before. The. Christ. Haha!
Current City: I don’t really like to be tied down and I tend to travel a lot. Why does your mind seek to label and pigeon hole?
Relationship Status: It’s complicated.
Looking for: Nothing, we possess all we will ever need inside of us. And Cheesy Puffs.
Activities: Ending suffering, surfing (just learned!), chowing, being, letting my love light shine, chillaxin.
Interests: Philosophy, candles, eastern thought, chillaxin. Asking myself… Get it? Haha!
TV Shows: Weeds, 30 Rock, Breaking Bad.
Books: The Stieg Larsson trilogy, Time Travelers Wife, Eckhart Toole, anything by Deepak Chopra.
Quotes: I am the way, the truth and the light. –Jesus. That dude is righteous bro.
About Me: I’m a pretty humble God, just trying to end suffering, bring consciousness to the world, chow down and chillax! I am not inherently opposed to marijuana. Why would I be?
The Buddha’s Wall
July 11th The Buddha – It is better to travel well than to arrive.
~ Keanu Reeves – Dude!
~ Tiger Woods – Well said Buddha, but I miss my Escalade. And my wife.
~ The Buddha – Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Take a smoke if it will help.
~ Keanu Reeves – Duuuuuude!
~ Tiger Woods – Thanks bro.
July 13th Richard Gere – Quick question. If I save the life of an animal of the field, a small rodent as such, does his life then belong to me in essence?
~ Uma Thurman – Owww. You freak.
~ Oliver Stone – How do you know it’s a rodent and not some space creature putting these thoughts into your head? Have you thought of that Richard?
~ Richard Gere – @Uma. Fuck off bitch. @Oliver. Oh my, you may be right!
~ Keanu Reeves – shit dude?
~ The Buddha – Every one needs to walk the middle road. @Uma, be nice. @Oliver, please take your medication and stop confusing the idiots. @Richard, how many times have I told you that you are going to be reincarnated as a colostomy bag if you keep this up. Do not interfere with nature. Your mind seeks fulfillment where it can not be found.
~ Uma Thurman – I disagree Buddha. Anal sex can be nice.
~ Keanu Reeves – hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe dude!
~ Richard Gere – I’m sorry master, I’ll meditate on it.
~ The Buddha – Meditate with no animal up your ass Richard. That is the middle way.
July 13th Jesus Christ – Hey B, you want to mash up some waves tomorrow?
~ The Buddha – Yea, I’m down. Breakfast at IHOP?
~ Jesus Christ – Absofreakinglutely!
~ Keanu Reeves – Can I come?
~ The Buddha – Have you any herb?
~ Keanu Reeves – dude!
~ The Buddha – Ok, but don’t get all talky.
~ Jesus Christ – 6am tomorrow guys!
July 13th The Buddha became a fan of The Sound of One Hand Clapping, Becoming a Fan, and The Office.
July 14th The Buddha– Killer waves and righteous peeps!
~ Jesus Christ, J-Lo and Keanu Reeves like this.
July 14th The Buddha– To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one’s own in the midst of abundance.
~ The Buddha – Can a Buddha get a like? WTF.
July 15th The Buddha is now friends with Steven Segal, Mark Wahlberg and 14 others.
July 17th Pat Robertson– You should be ashamed of yourself. You are leading all these heathens straight into hell. Plus you’re fat.
~ The Buddha – Your soul suffers Pat. You need to seek peace.
~ Pat Robertson – You’re going to hell you fatso. I can squat 4500 pounds, thanks to God. And my protein shake.
~ The Buddha – Please do not spam my wall Pat.
July 17th The Buddha wrote on Mohammad’s wall.
July 17th The Buddha – Haha, some people are so afraid of hell that they create it on earth.
~ Cher and Oliver Stone like this.
~ Pat Robertson – You are a passive aggressive fat man. Have you become a fan of The 700 club yet?
~ Tom Cruise – You are both so ignorant. You are both so wrong. My Lord Xenu knew you when you were a mere pup, Siddhartha Gautama. You and Pat both need to Come to the Real Truth!
~ The Buddha – @Tom why do you feel the need to capitalize what are only words. Words hold no inherent power, they only point the way to the truth. Or Truth as you would say.
~ Tom Cruise – Don’t be glib Siddhartha.
~ Keanu Reeves – @Tom. dude i love you in that movie you did u should come check out my band somtime we should get 2gether and hang do u surf? i went surfing with buddha and JC the other day u want 2 surf with me to? it’ll be sick
~ Tom Cruise – @shit4brains- I’d rather have sex with a female.
~ Jesus Christ – Don’t resist the asshole Buddha, if you ignore him he’ll go away eventually.
~ Pat Roberson – My Lord, is that you?
~ Jesus Christ – I defriended you for a reason Pat, leave me alone.
July 18th Mohammad– Hi Buddha. Thanks for the birthday wishes my brother. May a million spider webs protect you always.
~ The Buddha likes this.
July 19th The Buddha – Just chillin under a Bodhi tree with Patrick Swayze listening to some Nirvana hahaha!
~ The Buddha – There were like 3 jokes in that one. Why can’t you people just ‘like’ it?
~ Keanu Reeves likes this.
~ Keanu Reeves – dude, i got 2 of those funny jokes I was in the movie tell patrick that nobody puts baby in a corner hehehe he’ll get it!
~ Phil Jackson – @Keanu- Did your mother huff glue while breast feeding you? @Buddha- Hey B, I just came up with an inspiring and Zen inducing locker room speech, let me know when you have a minute to help me fine tune it.
~ Keanu Reeves – @Phil. your a dickbag
July 20th The Buddha wrote on Phil Jackson’s wall.
July 20th The Buddha– I heart fried peanut butter and Jelly toped with vanilla ice cream with a side of hot dogs and cheesy poofs!
~ Keanu Reeves – dude! mumumnomnomnom!
July 21st Ziggy Sobotka– Is this where I come to blow shit up and get 72 virgins?
~ The Buddha – No.
~ Mohammad – Oh Jesus Christ.
~ Jesus Christ – What?
~ Jesus Christ – Seriously, what?
You know what I mean?
With the incredible advancements in technology in even the last 10 years, our rules and codes for written language have got to adapt and modernize. With the advent of blogs, instant messages, facebook, and twitter, we need more codes to adequately ‘voice’ what we want to say. These new forms of media don’t necessarily afford us with the time required to develop a character.
It is a lot easier when you are writing to fellow bloggers, whom you know at least have a brain. When you are attempting to write for the dreaded general public all bets are off. From what I’ve seen you can’t trust these people to get out of bed without a helmet. So you definitely can’t trust them to notice sarcasm or contempt. Even with an intelligent audience though, if we would invent a few new rules it would make all of our lives a lot easier!
This is especially true of the comment sections in blogs. If I type, “wat da fucks da matter witcho?” I have to pray readers will know I’m ‘speaking’ in a gumba Italian voice, and didn’t just have a seizure while typing. If I could just put GIV< /gumba Italian voice to follow/ (then sentence) there is no confusion! These are the abbreviations we are going to have to come up with and agree upon. We also need codes to convey such characters as ‘dumb hick’, ‘rich white republican’, ‘dirty hippy’, ‘happy gay guy’, ‘convict’, and on and on. The literary freedom this would afford would be phenomenal! “Yea”!
This would work especially well for writing through pop-culture ‘voices’ as well! If I wanted to leave a comment on a blog about obesity, and I said, “Haha, fat people are going to die!” you would think I was an asshole. If I could write PG(fg)= before the statement though, you would ‘hear’ Peter Griffin from ‘Family Guy’ making that statement. See, now it’s funny and completely absolves me of my reprehensible bigotry! (By the way, 99% of the time when I type “Yea” it’s in Peter’s voice.)
Most of us already take liberties with grammar. When a comma just isn’t enough, we might…wait for it…add periods. I want to take these expressions into a whole new realm. When we are speaking we can use facial expressions, our hands (I’m part Italian), voice inflection, and accents to convey our meaning. We have to come up with a way to do this on paper. If we could agree on codes to be used to imply sarcasm, contempt, pity, anger, resentment, bravado etc, etc…Imagine!
Maybe some of these rules would even be universally adopted by the public! This would help relationships everywhere. If you’ve ever had to have a heart to heart, or talk to an ex exclusively through email, then you know how valuable this would be. It can be very difficult to detect the slight subtleties of mood when it’s all on a computer screen. Say you’ve just broken up with the love of your life, and she has just moved on to your brother. After reading an email about her fabulous plans for the weekend, you send an IM back saying, “Wow, I hope you and Rick have fun at the lake this weekend!!!” When what you obviously really mean is, “I hope Rick drives your BMW into the fucking lake, then you both drown, then you get eaten by fish, then people from Baltimore catch the fish, then they go back home and cook the fish, then someone drops a nuclear bomb on the city of Baltimore, effectively wiping your DNA from the face of the earth!!!” You don’t want to write all that, besides things like that can be used against you in a court of law. So you would just type, SARC= “I hope you and Rick have fun….” See how that would painlessly clear up any confusion!
I know that I should become more intimately acquainted with the rules for grammar that we already have before making new ones, but this is for the greater good. So we all need to take some time out, work together and sort out the future of blogging in the 21st century! Together we can make a difference!
No Beth, I wasn’t talking about you! I know you’re with Rick. No I’m not still upset,…GOD!!