Glenn Beck’s Info
About Me: I don’t have any other info up because why would I? They already know my date of birth, addresses, education, assets, investments, whether I had sex with my dear wife Tania this week, if I’ve eaten too much sugar or, GOD FORBID, SALT. They know which movies I enjoy, THEY EVEN KNOW THE COLOR OF MY COLON, PEOPLE! This is the liberal/Stalinist/Machiavellian/Italian?/Indonesian/Islamic and definitely UN-America culture of Big Brother that Obamamania has imposed with bad bad Leroy Brown (and Brown University is just another breeding ground for liberal elitists who want to know the color of MY COLON!) intentions. Do you see how obvious it is now?
Glenn Beck’s Wall
Nov 9th Glenn Beck – On sale now- the funniest, wildest, craziest, downright ridiculous outtakes from my nightly show. Oct 5th through Oct 9th Edition. Beck Gone Wild, Too Crazy for Cable!!! Buy now, only $14.99!! These box sets make great collectors items!! Buy now!!!!
Nov 10th Glenn Beck – Coming up on tonight’s show, I’ll prove that the Black Panthers, in collusion with Acorn, are trying to steal your wives and daughters and plan to ‘turn them out’ and make them their personal bitches and ho’s. It all becomes crystal clear when you exam the street lingo they use. Phrases such as “once you go black, you never go back” run much deeper than you’ve ever imagined. YOU’LL BE SHOCKED AND APPALED!!
~ Rush Limbaugh – I’ve been saying this about Ebonics for years now. It’s all a scam. They just want white women and big tires.
~ Larry Craig – Those naughty, naughty, big, black men need to be punished!
~ Eliot Spitzer – Where is all this going on? It should be stopped.
~ Shawn Hannity – @Eliot; yea you’d like that wouldn’t you, you filthy fornicator? You’re destroying this great, great, great nation!
~ Michael Steele – “Bitch better have my money.” “I’ll put my work boot up yo ass!” “I’ma bout to go all Ike up in this bitch, Tina!”
~ Rush Limbaugh – @Michael- Simmer down Steele. Freak. You black freak.
Nov 11th Post Apocalyptic Pet Care – Hi Glenn! We were wondering if you’d like to sponsor our service. We feel that our brands have a perfect synergy.
~ Foodinsurance.com likes this.
~ Glenn Beck – $200k sign on. $30k per shoot (TV). $20K per taping (radio). $5K per tweet or FB update. 8% of all future revenue share with stock options and you have a deal. It’s standard.
Nov 11th Glenn Beck – I can not watch 7 Pounds without tearing up. It is the Saddest. Movie. EVER.
~ Will Smith likes this.
Nov 13th Glenn Beck – Tonight’s show exposes the murderous Hollywood elite, their drug addled henchmen and the evil influence they’ve bought in Washington. These guys kill for fun and profit. I’m almost positive that they are responsible for the deaths of Charlton Heston, Sony Bono and John Voight. Anyone who dares to speak up against their shadowy control is in their crosshairs and marked for death.
~ John Voight – The Fuck? I’m not dead.
Nov 13th Glenn Beck– Don’t forget to visit Post Apocalyptic Pet Care for all of your post apocalyptic pet care needs. Who else is going to walk Fido during the seven year tribulation?
~ Post Apocalyptic Pet Care likes this.
Nov 13th Glenn Beck – Tonight’s show exposes the murderous Hollywood elite, their drug addled henchmen and the evil influence they’ve bought in Washington. These guys kill for fun and profit. I’m almost positive that they are responsible for the deaths of Charlton Heston, Sony Bono and Ronald Reagan’s dog Rex. Anyone who dares to speak up against their shadowy control is in their crosshairs and marked for death.
~ John Voight likes this.
~ Shawn Hannity – I fear for you safety Glenn, I really do. God’s speed Sir!
~ Rush Limbaugh – I’ve been saying this stuff for years.
~ Ted Nugent – I hate those fucking fuckers. Ain’t taking my guns.
~ Larry Craig – Those naughty, naughty actors deserve punishment.
~ Chuck Norris – I’ll protect you Becksy. As you know there are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a roundhouse kick to the face. In fact there are none. Oh, also, I’m what Willis was talkin’ bout.
~ Hike Huckabee likes this.
Nov 16th Glenn Beck –It really burns my blood that wackos out there on the left are accusing me of being anti-Semitic because I dared to publicly denounce the Nazi devil Soros. He’s anti-Semitic. I’m pro-Semitic. I love Jews. I do, I really love Jews.
~ Alan Greenspan likes this
~ Shawn Hannity – It is the liberal Jews in this country who are anti-Semitic. And they are ruining this great, great, great country.
~ Ben Stein – We love you too Glenn!
~ Rush Limbaugh – I’ve been warning you people about Soros for years. Nobody listens El Rushbo anymore.
~ Larry David – Hey Glenn, are you my Israelite? Are you my Israelite? You are a fucking asshole Beck, you really are. Oh wait, I have a message from Susie. She says, “Fuuuuuckkkk Yoouuuuu!” Don’t feel bad though, that’s kind of her shtick.
~Glenn Beck – @Larry- you aren’t a real Jew who loves God and loves America. You’re an evil Hollywood Jew.
~Woody Allen – Beck, Lucifer just called and wants to know what time to expect you?
~ Shawn Hannity – @Woody- People like you (East Coast liberals, not Jewish people. I love Jewish people) are destroying this great, great, great country.
~ Jon Stewart – And fuck your mother’s mother. Now, go get your shine box!
~ Glenn Beck – Leave me alone Jon. You said you would in your rally thing.
Nov 17th Glenn Beck – On tonight’s show we’ll examine what the federal government, OPEC, a Saudi Prince, the liberal media, Queen Elizabeth II, and standardized testing in public schools have to do with MY COLON.
~ Shawn Hannity likes this.
~ Rush Limbaugh – I’ve been talking about my colon for years now.
~ Larry Craig – They are so naughty. YOU are so naughty Becksy!
~ Michael Steele – “I’ll be put my foot up your colon Beck” –That was my street voice.
~ Ben Stein – The queen is an evil, imperial evolutionist.
~ Chuck Norris – I once cleaned a man’s colon. By kicking him in the face.
~ Shawn Hannity – @Chuck, LMBO! Wait, that didn’t even make sense.
~ Susie Essman ‘Green’ – “Fuuuuuckkkk Yoouuuuu Beck!”
If I were alive a really long time ago I would have worshiped you. You make me feel warm and happy and safe. You are so full of life that you make everything you touch crisp, colorful, bright and sparkly. I love the sparkly!
I’d like to know why you won’t allow me to look at you? Do you think that you’re better than me? And did you go on vacation this winter? Please don’t do that again. And please stop making my car and plastic lawn chairs so hot.
Thanks in advance.
When you drag your ass across my floor I find it simultaneously repulsive and hilarious. Still, you’re a good boy! Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? You’re a good boy! You’re a good boy! Yes you are!
Dear Mr. Monkey Stuffed Animal,
You were my favorite, most bestest friend EVER! Together we explored jungles, went deep sea diving, hit a home run in game 7 of the world series with a full count and 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth, won the Superbowl, became world champions of life, saved the president, saved the president’s daughter and exterminated evil monsters and aliens.
You were my everything. So why don’t I even remember what happened to you? I hope you didn’t get kidnapped or raped or murdered or set on fire because I forgot to be grateful for you one morning…
If you get this letter Mr. Monkey, please come home.
Dear cheap Spanish toaster,
Why do you blacken one square inch of my toast while leaving the majority in the original, bread-like form?
Dear Rapture Ready people,
I would very much appreciate if you guys would just hurry up and get raptured. Or realize that you are not going to get raptured and get on with your lives. Your certainty that you are going to be raptured as well as your certainty that everyone else is evil unless they believe that exact same thing that you do is quite distracting. And upsetting.
If daily life is just too horrible for you to endure and you are positive that this life is nothing more than a waiting room filled with undesirables then you should seriously consider suicide.
Jesus will understand.
Dear Prison Break,
4 seasons of going through hell to save everybody else and you make Michael die? Fuck you.
You’re a dick.
You are even more retarded than Penis, Dog or Rapture Ready People. You just buzz around near my ear and juke and jive when I try to kill you. And you know how you fly really fast circles around the room then go bounce on the window for awhile? You don’t have to do that any more.
Please kill Fly or leave immediately. I’d prefer you to do both.
I enjoy you so much. I would happily delight in your succulence a lot more often if you would only learn to contain yourself and stop dripping your sweet love juices all over my face, hands, arms and clothing.
Or you could at least wait until we are home alone and in the bathtub naked.
You are a tenacious, driven, greedy, mean, unforgiving, evil bitch aren’t you? I wish you would go choke on an industrial wood chipper and die.
Dear Ice Cream Headache,
You are thwarting my ability to eat ice pops and snow cones at the speed that I wish to enjoy them. And you really fucking hurt. Please stop.
I’m going to need a little more consistency form your work. Sometimes you seem to cut my poop in half, leaving me to have to wipe 34 times and use an entire roll of toilet paper. Could you be a little more patient from now on?
Dear 24 Hour News Personalities On Both Sides Of The Propaganda War,
Please stop scaring people and making them all ragey. It’s not very nice. I know that you have to make a living, but you also have to live with yourself everyday. Right? Think this through. And to the one person (you know who you are) who actually believes the verbal excrement that you haphazardly spew at the simplest of the simpletons and nuttiest of the fruitcakes every night, please get help. A non-stop Thorozine drip or a full frontal lobotomy would suffice. The rest of you guys are still allowed to be famous, just don’t be such xenophobic sycophants about it.
Why do you want to sleep when I want to play and play when I want to sleep? Please stop being so nocturnal. And aren’t you supposed to be territorial? Please murder Spider and Fly.
And if you’d like to experience all the comedy with none (or at least a lot less) of the cursing, drugs, gratuitous sex and violence, and bathroom humor found here please take the time to visit Mr. Clifton L Tanager He’ll give you advice as unsolicited as a dead prostitute. –Get it? Because you wouldn’t be soliciting a dead prostitute. Unless you’re a freak. Which I’m clearly not. Seriously.
I was going to call this post Deep Thoughts with the sub header ‘But probably not as deep as Jack Handey’s, and With More Strippers,’ but Candice beat me to that particular punch. Plus, I realized that there are no strippers in here at all so that wouldn’t really make sense. Anyway, I thought if I could get these on paper they’d stop taking up space in my small, cramped mind. If anyone has any answers to my many questions, please be a dear and enlighten me.
-Why do they call highways parkways? I mean, I know that traffic can be bad and all of that but aren’t you just jinxing the thing from the start?
-Why does she insist on going by Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio? When your last name is so long, why not drop Elizabeth at the very least? It’s a pain in the ass to even hear that name much less trying to fit it in the credits.
-I hate when I ask for directions and someone tells me to go to Oak Street and go north. How the fuck am I supposed to know which way is north? Do I look like Ponce de Leon to you?
-After at least 25 thousand (or whatever) years of civilization, how the hell did no one invent an effective mosquito/fly killer yet?
-I seem to function a lot better when I’m slightly horny. If I go 3 or more days without sex my mind is sharper, my thoughts are more precise, and my energy level is way higher. When I have too much sex I’m a lazy, useless shell of a man. All that being said, I can’t go more than 6 days without, or the cat will start looking sexy.
-I honestly can’t comprehend patriotism in the context that it is used by the Fox pundits. I do love America, and I’m proud of America, and I deeply appreciate the people who have sacrificed for the great nation. But in reality, you don’t have any choice where you are born. And most of the people that spout off about all of this nonsense haven’t done a thing to sacrifice personally. For all of her virtues America has a piss poor track record of being ‘the greatest country on earth.’ God didn’t hand it to the amazing religious white man. They came in, butchered the indigenous peoples, and stole it. We were one of the last countries to condone slavery. There are still to this day not equal rights for all people. I can’t grasp how this is always tidily glossed over in Beck’s and Hannity’s monologs. I don’t understand how they can make all of these outrageous claims about the absolute greatness of a country, and not want their own sick, poor and helpless to be taken care of. Why do these perfect Christians always show the most unchristian like characteristics?
-Who reads Prince Valiant or Mary Worth and why?
-I expected so much out of Tarentino after Pulp Fiction. What ever happened to him and his brilliant dialogue?
-I don’t mean for this to be an indictment of the American public school system, as much as wanting to point out what is wrong with the current mainstream ideology in the US. It’s been my experience that the average European citizens, be they lager louts in the UK, Romanian ruffians, German teenagers or Spanish ecstasy addicts are overwhelmingly more cultured and knowledgeable about the world. I found that I can have an intelligent conversation discussing art, literature, and world history with damn near anyone I meet here. I’ve come across drunks sitting in a bar first talking about Rembrandt and going on to coups in Thailand. Even the window lickers over here have a grasp of current events in the world.
I think the US has become so self-centered as a society that there is little room for anything else. Everywhere I’ve ever been in the world, when you turn on the news they cover the whole world, but you’d have to watch hours of CNN or FOX to catch a minute of anything happening anywhere else. They’d rather cover a 10 person protest on the Boise Idaho city hall than cover riots on the streets in France or the bloodshed in Sudan. And this has caught up with our children. I honestly can’t tell you how many people have asked me how long it takes to drive to England from Florida. You just have to turn on Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader to see what I mean. But if you don’t believe me, the next time you’re in a Wal-Mart or a bar strike up a conversation with a total stranger about something outside the sphere of US influence, and you’ll be shocked. I know I always was. I love my country just as much as Beck, and gosh darn it…..I just don’t want to see it produce fucking idiots.
-Why wasn’t Sex and the City called Sex in the City? Seriously?
-Why is it called black Friday? I get the ‘in the black’ connotation but seriously when you have black Tuesday and the black death why put it on the day after Thanksgiving. Maybe they could call it ‘Begin Paying 21% Interest to Visa Day! –sponsored by Visa!
-I seem to like the idea of some things more than I like the things themselves. I like the romantic idea of being homeless in Costa Rica more than I’d probably like the reality of it. I like the idea of going to the running of the bulls more than I’d like a horn ripping through my thigh. I like the idea of writing a book more than sitting down and writing it. I like the idea of having sex with blond twins more than I’d like the sex, especially since twins freak me out a little. I like the idea of being married to Tyras more than I’d…….actually; I think I’d be ok with that one.
Before you get all self righteous and indignant, let me very clearly start out by saying that of course I don’t want anybody to die. I don’t even want anybody to get sick. I know that none of you do either. What we do want, and in fact love though, is the next big scare.
I know that I’m not the only sick twisted individual. I know that most of us are all the same. I’ve seen the heart of man and found it lacking. If it does not affect you directly or anyone you know, then let er rip. It’s finally something substantial to talk about at the water cooler, the local pub, or the opium den; wherever it is that you gather and converse. Whoever you are and wherever you go, you can plainly see the barely concealed glimmer of excitement and hope that there is something, anything, going on.
We are now officially a society of grinning, yellow parka wearing, weathermen swaying on the white sand beaches of Key West, huffing and puffing at the camera about how this is the big one, this could reach a cat 5. While behind us looks for all the world, exactly like a corona commercial espousing the virtues of tranquility and alcohol.
Most of us grew up on ‘The A Team’ and ‘Knight Rider’ (before Hasselhoff could be found making sweet love to a Wendy’s hamburger with his face.) We grew up with ‘Rambo’ and ‘The Terminator’. I know that I was definitely supposed to be ‘Indiana Jones’ by now, damn it. Instead of running through the jungle, kung fu fighting, and blowing shit up in spectacular fashion, most of us (although not me, ha-he) are rotting away in a post-industrial wasteland, lit by phosphorescent lighting, sitting, always sitting, in a cubicle. I doubt that even ten percent of us are living up to even our most mundane childhood fantasies. So when a chance for excitement comes, any chance, we cling to it with a quiet desperation.
We love it because we love adrenaline, it’s the last vestige of our fight or flight animal nature. Most of us are now so far removed from any real danger that our minds clutch at the slightest promise of any true, real, red alert, elevated risk, dangerous danger. Even if it’s in the form of a 100 degree temperature and some aches and pains. Possibly the dreaded nausea. Yes people have died, but more people die from bizarre S and M accidents. Swine flu is scary because it’s the unknown and the unknown is always scary. Beautifully, deliciously, scary!
It’s must be absolutely terrifying for Muslims as the biggest disgrace they could ever endure is being buried with a pig or part of a pig. It’s one of those things that you wouldn’t do to your worst enemy. This would be like getting raped by Satan at the cellular level. That would suck. Getting raped by Satan I mean.
Anyway if I was wrong about human nature there would not be so many 24 hour, all ridiculous all the time, news networks out there. CNN, MSNBC, Fox, The Doomsday Channel, and the always popular Apocalypse Nightly. If you really pay attention it’s always ‘the end’ on these shows. The end of our civil liberties, the end of our sovereignty, the end of America as we know it, the collapse of Glenn Beck’s emotions, the explosion of Bill O’Reilly’s head. The end of the world, baby!
All I’m really saying is that I think everybody (especially me) still daydreams that their life will miraculously turn into an action movie. It’s exactly these kind of news stories, this fatalism, that keeps the ‘I Am Legend’ flame lit. Yep, it’ll be Will Smith and me kicking ass, taking names, and saving humanity. Well maybe Will Smith, me, and Sanjay Gupta.