Now for the exciting conclusion to ‘If greeting cards were honest!’ Once again I have to thank my friends Rat and bschooled.
Happy Boxing Day! I hope you got some hot sauce or Mrs. Dash for Christmas; because English food sucks!
Happy Boxing Day! I used to think it was about fighting too, until I married a brit. Now, I wish it were about fighting.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Please, Please, Please have sex with me.
Happy Valentine’s Day! I send these to all of my exes because I’m really codependent.
Happy Valentines Day! This is just another God damned Hallmark invented holiday to separate me from my money. $4 for a fucking card, $20 for chocolates, $40 for roses, $80 for dinner!! Shit. God Damn it! For what? Nothing. You know I love you anyway, we been married for years, ah … for fucks sake! I love you.
Be my Valentine! I sent these to like 30 girls hoping just one will drop the restraining order.
Happy Easter! Because it’s so 7th century BC to say ‘Happy Ishtar to Tammuz.’
Happy Easter! Because Baal’s kid loved rabbits.
Happy Easter! Enjoy the ‘Semiramis symbols for fertility’ hunt!
Happy Easter! Wait, why do Christians celebrate the resurrection of Christ with purely pagan symbolism? Oh, yea, I forgot all the chocolate!!!
Happy Guy Fawkes Day! He was only trying to whack a few wasps.
Happy Guy Fawkes Day! It would be really ironic if we accidentally burned down our house.
Happy Guy Fawkes Day! Talk about Catholic guilt.
Happy Independence Day! Let’s get drunk and blow shit up!
Happy Independence Day! Ask ten random people what they are celebrating, exactly. I dare you!
Happy Independence Day! Because I have a 30 pack of Natural Ice, an eighth of weed and 6 fingers left!
Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! What better way to honor the virtues of solitude and great faith than by puking green beer?
Happy St. Patty’s Day! Ask 10 full blooded Irishmen who St. Patrick was and why he is celebrated. I dare you.
Happy Memorial Day! What better way to honor the sacrifices of service than by getting blind drunk and eating hot dogs?!?!
Happy Cinco de Mayo! You’ll wish you were dead tomorrow.
Happy Arbor Day! Because we here at Hallmark do have the balls to celebrate trees with cards!
Happy Labor Day! Do we really need an excuse anymore?
Happy Passover! Because could you imagine the PR nightmare if it were the Egyptians celebrating the death of white babies.
Happy Thanksgiving! I’m thankful I can send you this card and not have to sit through another ‘intervention holiday’ like last year.
Happy Flag Day! Unless you live in the suburbs and are a fan of those ridiculous flags that proclaim to your sub-division that you like to golf, or sail, or swim, or crochet, because honestly, nobody gives a fuck. So please take those flags down and recycle them for earth day.
Happy Earth day! Please just do the stuff that makes sense (like recycling flags) and stop whining.
Happy Anniversary! You complete my………….health coverage.
Happy Anniversary! Darling, we have made ‘staying together for the kids’ an art form.
Happy Anniversary! Because filing single and paying alimony sucks.
Happy 1st Anniversary! (paper) Consider yourself served.
Happy 5th Anniversary! (wood) After five years, you’ll be lucky if I can manage wood even today.
Happy 30th Anniversary! (pearl) We are way too old to even joke about that. I just threw up in my mouth.
Happy 50th Anniversary! (gold) Yo, shouldn’t that shit be platinum by now? Damn!
Happy Birthday! You’re over the hill; now just keep going!
Happy 21st Birthday! Now you can start ‘Leaving Las Vegas’ just like your dad did.
Happy 80th Birthday! You are really starting to eat into my inheritance.
Happy 90th Birthday! This is really starting to piss me off.
Happy 91st Birthday! Meet Dr. K, he’ll be taking care of you now!
I’ve been wanting to do a greeting card blog for a while now. I stole the idea off of one of my life’s great heroes, – Rat from Pearls Before Swine. What does that say about me as a person that one of my life’s heroes is an unemployed, cynical, alcoholic, made-up rat! These are the questions I ask myself as I am laughing myself to sleep every night. I was also beaten to the punch by newly discovered sculpting phenom bschooled. She is to paper crafts what Andrew Lloyd Webber is to architecture!! Anyway if greeting cards really told the truth………………
Happy New Years! Can we please let that one acquaintance be forgotten? I only slept with her once.
Happy New Years! Because what happened in 2009, stays in 2009!
Happy New Years! Where am I and WTF happened last night!*
Happy New Years! Sorry I dropped $200 on an 8-ball and/or Pitt in the Sun Bowl.
Happy New Years! Because resolutions are meant to be smoked, drank, gambled, spent, ate, snorted, and speedballed!
Merry Christmas! Because it’s just so 3rd century to say, ‘Happy Roman Winter Solstice.’
Merry Christmas! Because you are just the type to be offended by Seasons Greetings.
Merry Christmas! You better have gotten me the Wii!
Merry Christmas! Hopefully this card will get me a $50 back.
Merry Christmas! Don’t expect a phone call too.
Seasons Greetings! Because I don’t even know you well enough to venture a guess!
Seasons Greeting! This is from your dentist but you are probably such an egotistical prick that you will hang it on your wall anyway.
Seasons Greetings! What the hell does that even mean anyway? Winter’s hellos? How lame is that?
Seasons Greetings! Please buy my goods and/or use my services this upcoming year.
Happy Kwanzaa! Because fruit is a hell of a lot cheaper!
Happy Kwanzaa! We don’t really know what it means either.
Happy Kwanzaa! Shed some of that white guilt!
Happy Kwanzaa! We’re reaching a little, but show some love!
Happy Hanukah! What, you expected money? We’re Jewish!
Happy Hanukah! 8 days, one card. That’s it you shmuck.
Happy Hanukah! The other white holiday.
Happy Graduation! None of us can believe it!
Happy Graduation! Now please get the hell out of my house.
Happy Graduation! 4 years ago you couldn’t spell college graduate, now you is one!
*Where am I and WTF happened last night is the intellectual property of bschooled. So Thanks again, I love you!
Join us on Monday for the thrilling conclusion of greeting card mayhem! Have a great weekend! – I meant that. Sincerely.