Friends often ask me about my obvious hate and phobia of the general public. If you know me then you know that I make no attempt to hide my utter contempt for Joe Six-Pack and Suzie-Q-Winecooler. Friends ask, “Are people really that bad?” My answer is absolute, “yes, yes they are, they are worse than your darkest fantasies could conjure.”
I’m convinced that 80 to 90% of the general public are mouth breathing, window licking, intolerant, evil, petty, racist, ignorant, filthy animals with consciousness. Don’t worry, if you’re reading this then I’m not talking about you. The people I’m speaking of don’t read anything except whatever monthly magazine most closely mirrors they’re own socio-economic background and beliefs. They are walking, talking cartoons.
Anyone who has ever had to work with the general public knows what I’m talking about. It can be extremely entertaining though, and if I didn’t laugh, I’d cry like a baby while cradling a shotgun. So it’s better to laugh and let it go.
The main reason that my perception of the GP is not PC probably stems from working on a turnpike for about 5 years as a toll collector. This was a very good job believe it or not. Really good pay, full benefits, tons of perks, you had to know somebody to get this job and most of my colleagues were very intelligent with college educations. They stayed at the turnpike because it was so cushy. All that plus a beautiful blue polyester uniform.
The only really bad part about the job was having to deal with 500-1000 people a day. When you see numbers like that it’ll really shake your faith in humanity. I could write a book about the horrors I’ve seen, but instead I thought I’d share a few with you. Don’t worry, I’m focusing on the funny today. The unfunny ‘incidents’ I put on a DVD. It was the video in “The Ring.” Anyway the very tip of the iceberg…
-I saw more fully naked people than I care to remember. At least 2-4 a week. Why is it that the only people willing to be naked in public are those that we would never, ever want to see naked?
-I’ve had enough people hand me money covered in bodily fluid to keep me in therapy for years. If I could tell ahead of time I would just let it fly out the window. If not, I kept a handy bucket of pure bleach nearby to dip my hands in.
-And how could so many people be bleeding so regularly? You’d think I was a vending machine at the “Psycho” house in Universal Studios. Maybe there was a phlebotomy school for people with Parkinson’s nearby?
-It’s funny how people that smoke dope all the time forget that it’s illegal. So many stoners would just continue to casually smoke a joint while trying to pay me. The best was a couple who kept passing a foot long bong back and forth while looking for a buck-fifty in loose change. Then when most ‘heads’ do find the money, after counting it 4 times, it’s not even in the ballpark of close.
-I’ve had people accidentally hand me drugs along with paper money. Once I separated the glassine baggie from the cash, the look on their face alone was worth the price of admission.
-People who are loath to interrupt their screaming match long enough to pay me, making me privy to information on life and love which inspired me to pour bleach into my ears with a suction straw. All the neighbors in the trailer park? At once? Really Diane??
-People who are incapable of emitting a single sentence to a stranger without uttering a string of profanities that would make an angry sailor go into anaphylactic shock. I’m not going to even attempt to recreate the mastery they displayed. My favorite though is the common “Fuckin-A-Right” when they are in a good mood. What does that even mean? Keep in mind that this was a big Northeastern city, not in Kentucky.
-I’ve had a woman tripping her proverbial balls off on mushrooms. (I know it was mushrooms because they were on a seat next to her.) She started screaming hysterically about the 4 Toyotas following her. They had been following her for 2 states and apparently wanted to harvest her organs for profit. The police had to come for that one, since she stopped in my lane, rolled up her windows, locked her doors, and covered her head with a blanket until they arrived.
-I love the people that want me to count their money. They just hand me their wallet or purse and say, “just take what you need.” Yes I swear to God this has happened, more than once. My reply is always the same, “Fuckin-A-Right!”
-Plus the ‘normal’ everyday traffic of crackheads, prostitutes, pimps, strippers, shaking alcoholics, stoned athletes, and cheating, small time politicians, all of which I had a friendly daily banter with.
Like I said though, this is just the tip of the iceberg of why I have no faith or trust in the general public. Why that phrase makes a part of me curl up and die. If you still work with the general public, God Bless You. Me, I have looked into the face of humanity and ran away screaming.