Rush Limbaugh to Glenn Beck- Dude, you’re taking this thing way too far and you’re starting to piss me off by stealing my audience and advertising. It’s always been my gig to make white people angry and frightened and then sell them gold to be used during the Armageddon era. Get your own shtick you douche.
Oh and hey one quick question; how are you after that ass surgery you had a while back? Probably all better yea? I was wondering what kind of pain meds they gave you? Because my ear has been bothering me and lately my conscious and soul have both been hurting like a bitch.
Let me know if you have any extra (Percs, Vics, OCs, Demerol, ect..whatever) you can spare. I’ll gladly pay you whatever you think is fair, really.
Let me know ;-P
God to all the people from Noah’s generation- I call a mulligan.
JFK to Lee Harvey Oswald– I call bullshit.
Gulf of Mexico Marine Life to British Petroleum Co.- Hey BP, we got your crude right here (grabbing fish balls). Hope you got your dead demon fish, assholes.
Reality to Lindsey Lohan- What we have here…. is a failure to communicate.
Caps lock to the general public- – WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE SO AFRAID OF ME? I AM NOT ANGRY. I AM NOT AGGRESSIVE. I’M NOT EVEN PARTICUALLARLY EXCITED. IT’S MY JOB TO TAKE NORMAL LETTERS AND JUST MAKE THEM BIG. YOU PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK I’M GOING TO COME TO YOUR HOME AND KILL YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY WITH POWER TOOLS AND FARM MASHINERY. PLEASE DON’T BE AFRAID OF ME. I’M A RELAXED AND HAPPY ENTITY WHO HAPPENS TO LOVE SUNSETS, LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH AND AFTERNOON NAPS.
I’M JUST SO TIRED OF BEING MISUNDERSTOOD! I’M REALLY MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDLY!
Lakers to Celtics– No, no we’re just busting your balls. NOW GO GET YOUR FUCKING SHINEBOX!
Caps Lock to Lakers– COME ON. WAS IT REALLY NESSESARY TO INVOLVE ME? JESUS.
Heroin to Pete Doherty– Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi whatcha doin? whatcha doin? whatcha doin? whatcha doin? Wanna get high? How about now? How about now? How about now? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete…….
Amy Winehouse to Crack– OhmyGodyoumakemesohotIwantyouinsidemerightnow!
Glenn Beck to Sanity– “It puts the lotion on it’s skin. It puts the lotion on it’s skin or else IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!”
Caps Lock to Glenn Beck– OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.
Slugs to Salt– Just stay away from us. We don’t want no trouble, you hear?
Priest, Rabbi, Horse, Irishman, Pole, Black, Mexican and Bar to Comedian– You owe us some major royalties. Please cease and desist any and all references to us until payment has been rendered or you will be hearing from our attorney.
P.S.- Attorney is also an original claimant.
Stieg Larsson to Death– This is so not cool. Seriously Death; you are a total prick.
James Gandolfini to Tony Soprano– I really, really miss you. You…. Complete me.
Sarah Palin to Russia– I’ve got my eye on you Russia. Grrrrhhh!
Dog to Flashlight Beam– Oh my God, what the hell are you? I want to catch you and shake you and kill you so badly but I can’t ever get a hold of you. Oh my God what the hell is going on, how the hell are you even doing this?
O.J. to Nicole Brown Simpson– Hey where are you headed off to? Ha! Get it? Because… you know… I love that joke!
Rosie O’Donnell to Time– Well played Time. Well played indeed.
Classmates.com to Facebook– You totally ruined our business model. Now we are going to kill ourselves. We thought you should know that it’s entirely your fault.
Joe Biden to his muzzle– Mmmmph. Errgghhhphhhmmmghh.
John Daly to Michael Jordon– I’ll bet you 50k that Tiger gets caught again.
MJ to John Daly– Make it an even 100.
Pete Rose to MJ and Daly– Can I get in on this action?
Tito Ortiz to Jenna Jamison– If you accuse me of domestic violence even one more time, I’ll slap the two penises right out of your mouth.
Richard Simmons to Subway Jared– Do you want to sweat on some oldies?
Subway Jared to Richard Simmons– Yes.
John Travolta to Double Cheeseburger– Oh shit, you made me shoot dignity in the face.
Tom Cruise to L. Ron Hubbard– Dude! You’re right, this was the Best. Practical. Joke. EVER!
The invention of the reality mulligan
I have to give some credit for this blog to Alan Truitt; the hilariously twisted mind behind SICK DAYS. Sometimes I forget that the world doesn’t share my eccentricities, and a simple question both reminded me of that, and gave me something to write about! In this case he asked me about the mulligan; the most beautiful, honorable, gracious rule ever made up by people who suck at golf ….and life.
My friends and I grew up right next to an extremely wealthy community with plenty of country clubs and golf courses nearby. So being of the less fortunate class, we all caddied to earn some extra money in the summer. (Sometimes it was really outrageous money, if bets were won!) Other than the odd surgeon or relief pitcher for the Pirates, most of the people we caddied for sucked ass at golf. I mean they were horrible, they made me look like Tiger Woods, and I’m not even John Daly after a 12-pack of Heineken and 8 shots of Jack!
For four years I watched a chorus line of old, fat, white, rich men tee off into lakes, trees, and parking lots with their only consequence being to dig out a new ball and say that magic word….mulligan! This left an indelible impression on my young and already warped mind. I thought to myself, “My God, what if we could apply such an amazing, liberating principle to real life?” –Thus the all-encompassing, reality-mulligan was born!
Since we were at an age where we made mostly impulsive, drunken, or immature decisions, this idea couldn’t have come at a better time. We agreed that until society at large would evolve and accept this brave new concept; at least we would! Since in golf you can only call two mulligans in a round, we decided that our limit would be two a month. This meant that we couldn’t brutally make fun of, bitch about, or even acknowledge any incident in which a mulligan was applied. Yay!
~You publically offered to buy a stripper a whole new wardrobe of ‘less slutty clothes’- as my drunken and angry friend put it one night-mulligan!
~You puked in the backseat of a friends brand new car (bought 2 days earlier)-mulligan!
~You got arrested for public urination outside of a concert because there were hardly any port-o-potties and I just couldn’t hold it anymore for fuck’s sake-mulligan!
~Knock out fights between good friends-mulligan!
~You met a hot girl and left with her, leaving all of your friends stranded at an out of town club-mulligan!
~Ill advised drunken hook-up’s and on and on…….mulligan! I could obviously go on damn near forever, but by now you clearly understand this princely concept!
It is my sincere hope that someday this humble way of life catches on among those in authority; spouses, God, cops, judges! Imagine where this could be applied to better serve humanity:
~All words said during heated arguments
~All non-injury car wrecks
~Any arrests which are the result of a triple dog dare
~All public urination arrests
~All first time minor drug offences
~Pirating and selling cutting edge software to the highest Chinese bidder-sorry B.G.
The limits here are really as endless as our own immaturity/stupidity/hormonal/bladder control issues!
This would be an especially helpful tool for those people that don’t have the requisite number of filters between their brain and mouth. Even when you have a working filtering system in place, you can allow things to slip through the cracks. It’s like you can see them escaping your mouth in slow motion but just can’t keep those last obnoxious, horrible thoughts in your brain. This would work a lot like the Staples ‘easy button,’ because consequences suck!
Since God made us such fallible, erring creatures, he could at least give us this magnificent ‘do-over’ feature, at the very least twice a month. Come to think of it, all the new models of big bank execs, hedge fund managers, and crooked politicians already come with this upgrade. I think it’s everybody’s turn for a second chance, and third, and fourth, and……….
If you’re playing along at home, then remember only twice a month or life begins to lose its meaning! If you were offended by this post…Mulligan!!