A very Smurfy Christmas Letter

Dear Smurfily and friends, 

 

2010 has been an eventful year for the Smurf clan. We’ve had our ups, downs and Smurfarounds but we have always persevered and held strong to our faith in The Flying Spaghetti Smurf. We are lucky to still be around I suppose. Our critics assumed that we would be Smurfed off by irony or mercury poisoning long before now. Although our Smurfily has suffered a calamitous tragedy (more on that below) we are still growing strong and Smurfpering.

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Our unwavering faith in Flying Spaghetti Smurf has kept us strong.

 

– Our proud patriarch, Grandpa Smurf, has miraculously made a full recovery from triple bypass Smurfery in July. Within mere days he had his Smurfy disposition back and was asking Nursey Smurf for a Smurfjob. He then boasted to the whole family that she had actually Smurfed him. Luckily we were able to narrowly avoid a Smurfsuit. Grandpa Smurf is now back in his Smurfdominium in Florida. We’re sure that his new wife, Golddigger Smurf is giving him all the Smurfjobs he could want.

 

– Prince Smurfly has finally proposed to Debutant Smurf and the answer was a Smurftastic yes! The Smurfily could not be any happier. We were secretly terrified that he was going to Smurf her up before making her an honest Smurf. We didn’t want to have to Smurf any more brake lines.

 

– Last we heard from Brainy Smurf he was still Smurfy with his hush hush job at the Department of Smurfense in Smurfantico Virginia. Brainy Smurf is still a bachelor, much to the chagrin of his father and me. We’re sure that if he had a spare moment to call his own Smurfs; he’d want to wish us all a Smurfy Christmas. Hopefully next year he’ll use that big brain of his to understand the importance of Smurfily.

     

– Our lovely daughter, Stripper Smurf, has been clean and sober for over two years now and is still quite content with her job at The Player’s Ball. She was recently promoted to a Champaign Room Smurf which will bring her a tidy sum in newfound tips. (Invest well Stripper Smurf!) She has always set the academic standard in the family and this past June she completed her third bachelors degree, this time in Computer Sciences. She is still hard at work on both a Masters of Smurf Arts and a Doctorate in Smurfucation. Stripper Smurf also hopes to be granted visitation rights to her two children who are still in Smurfster Care due to the unpleasantness of a few years ago. Stripper Smurf is lucky in love once again and has moved in with a nice man she met at one of her meetings. Stripper Smurf has purchased another Chihuahua (Cyrstal Smurf) and we’re all hoping this one is in better health than poor little Icy Smurf who died suddenly while resting in Stripper Smurf’s purse last New Smurf’s Eve.

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I swear, there’s a Smurf for everything I need. Or at least a naked blue chick. Which is good too.

 

– Greedy Smurf has left Smurf Waterhouse after being offered the Senior VP slot over at Goldman Smurfs. The gig came with a 10 million sign on bonus but I doubt the Smurfily will see any of that money.

 

– Greedy Smurf’s son, Junkie Smurf, almost died after oversmurfing on Smurf earlier this year. After the close call, Junkie Smurf went to rehab but soon relapsed after realizing that he was Junkie Smurf and that was his familial role, after all.

 

– As most of you know, after Shia Smurf’s nephew was injured in a Smurf bomb he declared a fatwa on Sunni Smurf and his kin. Since then, the two Smurfilies have been mired in incessant Smurfering and barbaric violence. Perhaps by this time next year they will come to their Smurf senses.

 

– Fundy Smurf is still Smurf schooling her children despite the pleas from the rest of the Smurfily. She usually dismisses our concern for demonic possession. Fundy Smurf took her family to the Creation Museum for their vacation this year where the Smurfettes learned all about how Smurfus Christ rode Smurfosaurs from village to village! (Some Smurf needs to invent a sarcasm font.)        

 

– Nobody has seen Ninja Smurf this year. That makes 12 years in a row. Great job Ninja Smurf!

 

– Zombie Smurf is still in quarantine so as to prevent a Smurfpocalypse.

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Is anyone else as inappropriately excited as I am that there is a Zombie Smurf? There’s a Smurf for everything!

 

– Racist Smurf has spent the last year valiantly defending our borders and preserving our Smurfly culture.     

 

– Rapture Smurf is still waiting patiently but not accomplishing much else.

 

– Now, to address the elephant in the room. We are of course, all still mourning the deaths of Sleepy Smurf, Clumsy Smurf, Hefty Smurf, Rescue Smurf, Hero Smurf, Pokey Smurf, Awkward Smurf, Whiteboy Smurf and Chubby Smurf. Their violent and smurfless deaths could have easily been avoided if Preoccupied Smurf had not been the one left in charge of sounding the alarm in the event that the O’Malley’s cat got out. This is a mistake that we are all going to have to Smurf with. We need to honor these Smurfs and to ensure that nothing like this will ever happen again by training our TSA Smurfs to inspect your Smurfjunk. We have also started a pre-emptive war with the Jacksons, just in case they have a hidden cat we didn’t know about or were thinking about getting one at some point in the future.

 

– Lastly, Papa Smurf and I are both Smurfing along as we always have. Papa Smurf is still content to govern Smurfville with the guidance of the Flying Spaghetti Smurf. He is still chairman of the Smurfville chamber of Commerce and is looked upon as an inspired leader in the national Blueberry Slurpee Party. I’m now a senior card cataloger at the library. I have also begun volunteering at the local Smurf kitchen, which gives me a chance to keep up with Junkie Smurf. I also still have my knitting, canning and cross-stitching to keep the isolation and lonliness at bay. If any of you Smurfs would like to give an old Smurf a moment of happiness and can manage to spare a moment for the women who Smurfed you out of her Smurf, then a phone call or letter would be Smurftastic. Although I’d probably drop dead of a Smurf attack from the sheer shock of it. Just Smurfing…please call me.

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From now on this blog is going all Smurf, all the Smurfing time!