If you don’t know these characters yet, where have you been? You can find out who they are here. Anyway, on with our story….. Ashtonisis woke up at 7pm with a devil may care attitude and his ne’er-do-well spirit soaring. He adroitly petted his cougar right where his cougar liked to be petted and having fulfilled his only daily responsibility in life, sought out to create a little ungodly mischief. He twittered, ‘Somegod’s about to get Punk’d. hehe. Stay tuned!’
He then sent Westicus a text complaining that Dane Cook was getting ready to receive a lifetime achievement award in comedy and had beaten out both Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor for the honor. The event was to take place at the Biltmore hotel in less than an hour. As expected, this was more than Westicus could take. Honestly, Dane Fucking Cook? So Westicus immediately bolted out of his studio, leaving his ghetto-fabulous herd of ho’s unguarded.
Wasting no time, Ashtonisis swept into the studio and told the hos (or is it hoes, or maybe ho’s? No one in the elite grammar community can decide) that he’d make them all stars in Lifetime original movies. Or failing that, at least get them a gig or two doing soft-porn on Cinimax if only they’d come with him immediately. He then had them switch their swap meet footwear for shoes that he had specially made which displayed the tread backwards. This was so that when Westicus found their trail, he would head off in the wrong direction. After getting them safely tucked away in a place he knew that no one would ever find them, in one of his movies, he began to play with them the way that he was never allowed to play with his cougar.
As their weaves came out one by one and began to pile up on the floor, he had an idea. He took all of the weaves and strung them together with his used condoms to make a musical instrument that sounded more angelic than anything ever heard before. He decided to call it the Dreamweaver. Ashtonisis saw what he had done and Ashtonisis was pleased.
He then rushed off back to the studio to meet Westicus as he was furiously entering. Ashtonisis then exuberantly exclaimed, “You just got Punk’d!” Westicus then shot him in the face and retorted, “You just got shot in the face, and I ain’t no punk.” As Ashtonisis immediately healed and began to pout, Westicus grabbed him by his luxurious brown locks and drug him across town to put the matter before Barackus.
Barackus was annoyed and showed it with a slight frown and a subtle voice inflection which no one noticed. Westicus ranted, “Yo B, this little bitch stoled my bitches. Then the bitch called ME a bitch.” Ashtonisis said, “No, I did not. I said You Got Punk’d. And you did!” Westicus then casually shot Ashtonisis in the face again. “Ow. Fuck that hurts. Fuck. Ow. Don’t do it again” whined Ashtonisis. Barackus interjected, “Now wait just a minute gentlemen, what we have here is a failure to communicate…” Westicus interrupted, “Don’t keep quoting old movies, everyone hates when you do that.” “Sorry,” replied Barackus, “Ashtonisis here has…well actually had, a show called Punk’d, he wasn’t calling you a punk.”
As Westicus struggled to grasp this new information, Ashtonisis began playing his Dreamweaver, which immediately entranced Westicus with its sibilant sounds. The music even evoked and enchanted Tyras who emerged from Barackus’ Oval Office beaming and almost chanting, “Fierce, oh that’s so fierce!” Westicus began gesturing effusively for the new instrument. “Oh, this shit is tight right here.” He said. “I’ll tell you what punk’d boy; Ima let you keep my hos, if you give up this instrument. Deal?” “Sold” agreed Ashtonisis, “just don’t shoot me in the face again.”
Barackus slipped back into his office with Tyras in tow. At that point it slowly dawned on Ashtonisis that Westicus could use the instrument to make millions, influence hordes of mortals, and probably even get an endorsement deal out of Trojan condoms. And all he got in exchange were a couple of really bad cases of VD. He became uncharacteristically sullen and twittered, ‘I just got Punk’d.’
Every single time that someone commits an act of public stupidity, people everywhere beg the question; what were they thinking? Nobody however, offers us a truly honest explanation. Being the humble servant to public service that I am, I thought I’d shed some much needed light on a few of history’s greatest mysteries. This is what they were thinking…….
Kayne West, “Oh my God, please look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Please just look at meeeeee.”
Rob Blagojevich, “Ever since I can remember, I wanted to be a gangster.”
Larry Craig, “What happens in the Minnesota airports men’s restroom stays in the Minnesota airport men’s restroom.”
Jim Jones, “What. The. Fuck. They told me this was gonna be Gatorade.”
King Henry The VIII, “I wonder where Ann is headed off to?”
Princess Di’s driver, “I knew I shouldn’t have done that last line of coke. Now I’m all edgy and shit.”
Mao Ze-Dong, “Well, there’s half my problem solved right there.”
Tonya Harding, “I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum. Which is what I am, I’m a bum.”
Pete Rose, “Hey batter, batter, swing batter, batter. Cause daddy needs a new pair of shoes.”
Mark Foley, “It’s just the internet, who’s gonna ever find out?”
Bernie Madoff, “I can’t believe I’m getting away with this shit.”
Eddie Murphy, “It’s not gay if she looks like a she.”
Richard Pryor, “Just one more blaze.”
Michael Hutchence and David Carradine, “This is gonna be so great.”
Lisa Nowak (internal dialog, all to herself), “Just be cool bitch. But I gotta pee. Look, tell that bitch to be cool. Bitch be cool and all this shit is gonna work out.”
Hitler, “If only the Goldberg gallery had bought even one painting. Aaughh.”
Schrödinger’s cat, “I’m soooo fucking confused.”
Mussolini, “This is my neighborhood; you should let me wet my beak a little.”
Kim Jong-Il- “I can’t believe they keep making me get that damn glaucoma test.”
Ahmadinejad- “No sane man would fuck with a man wearing such a nice Banana Republic jacket.”
Marsha Applewhite, (Heavens Gate) “This is gonna be so fuckin cool.”
Len Bias- “My future is paved in gold now baby.”
John Belushi and Chris Farley, “Definitely gotta go to rehab tomorrow.”
Mark Sanford, “If it ain’t the same continent, it ain’t cheatin.”
Bill Clinton, “Hehe, everybody knows fat chicks give the best head. Hehe.”
Nixon, “Fuck em.”
Cheney, “Fuck em.”
Bush, “I wonder if Dick will let me have Saddam’s train set?”
OJ, “Come on man, you should know not to fuck with a brother’s white girl. Shoulda God damn better known better.”
Ted Haggard, “Dear lord Jesus, please avert your eyes for about an hour.”
Pontius Pilate, “I have a bad gut feeling about this. Ahh, I’m sure it’ll work out.”