Before anybody gets their florescent green g-strings in a twist, let me start by saying that I have no problem with gay people. I think they should have the right to marriage, to adopt, and to name their own price on quality airfare!! I’ve liked practically every gay person I’ve ever met. Gay people are fun, they’re interesting, they’re full of life, they’re well….gay!
I do have a huge, pink, thick problem that is practically bulging out of my hotpants though. My problem is with this sign that I came across while in London.
First of all, notice the look on their faces. I can see the photographer snapping away and coaching, “OK, look innocent but pouty. Good, good. Now bring some contempt for the poor heterosexuals out there, OK, now imagine someone is afraid of you, no, ok I got it- I need you to remember that time Tito accused you of getting herpes from Jesse, and even though you did blow Jesse, that was just a cold sore on your lip, not herpes! Bring that day of accusation and misery into your face!!! OHH, perfect, we’re gold, it’s a wrap!”
Back to the sign. “Homophobia is a crime, report it!” –Tell me that’s not some freaky, scary, big brother, thought police type of shit!
There are so many things wrong with the wording of this sign that I don’t even know where to start. Yes I do; first of all homophobia is NOT a crime, not even in Europe. It’s not even a crime to be filled with hatred, racism, sexism, bigotry, or stupidity. People are still free to be as ignorant as they choose. It may not be right, but it’s definitely not a crime either.
Homophobia actually means – ‘fear of homosexuals.’ So how is fear a crime, anyway? Actions can be crimes. Feelings are not crimes. Just to clarify this;
A) You walk by a crowd of bronzed, athletic, properly exfoliated and moisturized young men wearing tight fitting fashionable clothes. Upon seeing them you feel a longing deep in your loins that you have desperately denied since that one time at bible camp. This feeling causes a ‘chubbing up’ which then causes you to feel angry, so you go home and grab your nearest AK-47. Then you rush out the door, head to the closest highway rest stop, and start making ‘them’ pay for their sinful wickedness. –This is a crime!
B) You see the same group of young men, producing the same stiffening or movement in your shorts, causing you to rush home, read Leviticus quotes, and use hand sanitizer in disturbing ways until you feel that the demons have been exorcised from your nether regions. –NOT a crime!
OK, so even if they did manage to pass a law regulating your own thoughts, feelings, and opinions, how exactly would they enforce a law that makes it illegal to have a phobia? Facial pattern detectors? Fingernail examinations checking for evidence of biting? Would they check to see who seeks shelter in the event of a rainbow outbreak? Monitor wedding receptions to see who sits down during “YMCA” and “It’s raining men?”
If they found you guilty of having a phobia, what would be the punishment? Mandatory valium consumption? Patent leather boot-camp? Re-education weekends in Ibiza?
My point is that you can’t legislate decency OR morality. Thank God that people are as free to be as fucked up as they want to be, it gives us so much more to make fun of and laugh at!!!!
Piss 18 times
Since I’m in London with very little access to a computer, I have to make the next few posts short and sweet.
Let me qualify this by saying that my wife is half British which gives me the right to make fun of and disparage the country, its customs, and its people for life. Or at least until my next divorce.
I don’t know why, but I’ve found that many of the phrases they use everyday in the UK just don’t make any sense to me. Today we’ll start with the ever popular ‘taking the piss.’
This is a phrase most often used in the form of a question, “Are you taking the piss?” Which of course means “are you making fun of me?” WTF? Where did this phrase possibly originate from? Why? Does it have any roots in Latin or Greek?
So what better fun could I possibly have while I’m here than by ‘taking the piss’ out of these lovely people by destroying their slang! The elderly citizens actually seem to get offended when you ask them, “are you taking a piss?” I can never get an answer. What a difference A/THE can make in a phrase!
Since I still don’t get it, I want to know so much more. Are you ‘taking the piss’ out of an individual, and if so is there a catheter involved; or are you ‘taking the piss’ from a fixed location, like a toilet or a cup?
Do you keep it, or is there a secret ceremony for piss disposal? Why do you want the piss? Does it give you some sort of power or control of the person you took it from?
Does this have anything to do with the piss in the phrase ‘piss and vinegar’ as in “that young man is filled with ‘piss and vinegar?’ So if you take his piss does that somehow emasculate him?
So if the pissing and taking of the piss is so important, does that make the ‘golden shower’ fetish more revered here? Or would that be just ‘giving the piss’ because it’s done willingly, and thus diminish the value of the piss?
So far I can’t get a straight answer to any of these questions to save my life. Every time I ask they just accuse me of ‘taking the piss’ and I’m right back where I started!