The Buddha’s Info
Sex: I have the sexual organs of a God! Too bad that God is Buddha. Haha!
Birth date: 563 Before. The. Christ. Haha!
Current City: I don’t really like to be tied down and I tend to travel a lot. Why does your mind seek to label and pigeon hole?
Relationship Status: It’s complicated.
Looking for: Nothing, we possess all we will ever need inside of us. And Cheesy Puffs.
Activities: Ending suffering, surfing (just learned!), chowing, being, letting my love light shine, chillaxin.
Interests: Philosophy, candles, eastern thought, chillaxin. Asking myself… Get it? Haha!
TV Shows: Weeds, 30 Rock, Breaking Bad.
Books: The Stieg Larsson trilogy, Time Travelers Wife, Eckhart Toole, anything by Deepak Chopra.
Quotes: I am the way, the truth and the light. –Jesus. That dude is righteous bro.
About Me: I’m a pretty humble God, just trying to end suffering, bring consciousness to the world, chow down and chillax! I am not inherently opposed to marijuana. Why would I be?
The Buddha’s Wall
July 11th The Buddha – It is better to travel well than to arrive.
~ Keanu Reeves – Dude!
~ Tiger Woods – Well said Buddha, but I miss my Escalade. And my wife.
~ The Buddha – Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Take a smoke if it will help.
~ Keanu Reeves – Duuuuuude!
~ Tiger Woods – Thanks bro.
July 13th Richard Gere – Quick question. If I save the life of an animal of the field, a small rodent as such, does his life then belong to me in essence?
~ Uma Thurman – Owww. You freak.
~ Oliver Stone – How do you know it’s a rodent and not some space creature putting these thoughts into your head? Have you thought of that Richard?
~ Richard Gere – @Uma. Fuck off bitch. @Oliver. Oh my, you may be right!
~ Keanu Reeves – shit dude?
~ The Buddha – Every one needs to walk the middle road. @Uma, be nice. @Oliver, please take your medication and stop confusing the idiots. @Richard, how many times have I told you that you are going to be reincarnated as a colostomy bag if you keep this up. Do not interfere with nature. Your mind seeks fulfillment where it can not be found.
~ Uma Thurman – I disagree Buddha. Anal sex can be nice.
~ Keanu Reeves – hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe dude!
~ Richard Gere – I’m sorry master, I’ll meditate on it.
~ The Buddha – Meditate with no animal up your ass Richard. That is the middle way.
July 13th Jesus Christ – Hey B, you want to mash up some waves tomorrow?
~ The Buddha – Yea, I’m down. Breakfast at IHOP?
~ Jesus Christ – Absofreakinglutely!
~ Keanu Reeves – Can I come?
~ The Buddha – Have you any herb?
~ Keanu Reeves – dude!
~ The Buddha – Ok, but don’t get all talky.
~ Jesus Christ – 6am tomorrow guys!
July 13th The Buddha became a fan of The Sound of One Hand Clapping, Becoming a Fan, and The Office.
July 14th The Buddha– Killer waves and righteous peeps!
~ Jesus Christ, J-Lo and Keanu Reeves like this.
July 14th The Buddha– To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one’s own in the midst of abundance.
~ The Buddha – Can a Buddha get a like? WTF.
July 15th The Buddha is now friends with Steven Segal, Mark Wahlberg and 14 others.
July 17th Pat Robertson– You should be ashamed of yourself. You are leading all these heathens straight into hell. Plus you’re fat.
~ The Buddha – Your soul suffers Pat. You need to seek peace.
~ Pat Robertson – You’re going to hell you fatso. I can squat 4500 pounds, thanks to God. And my protein shake.
~ The Buddha – Please do not spam my wall Pat.
July 17th The Buddha wrote on Mohammad’s wall.
July 17th The Buddha – Haha, some people are so afraid of hell that they create it on earth.
~ Cher and Oliver Stone like this.
~ Pat Robertson – You are a passive aggressive fat man. Have you become a fan of The 700 club yet?
~ Tom Cruise – You are both so ignorant. You are both so wrong. My Lord Xenu knew you when you were a mere pup, Siddhartha Gautama. You and Pat both need to Come to the Real Truth!
~ The Buddha – @Tom why do you feel the need to capitalize what are only words. Words hold no inherent power, they only point the way to the truth. Or Truth as you would say.
~ Tom Cruise – Don’t be glib Siddhartha.
~ Keanu Reeves – @Tom. dude i love you in that movie you did u should come check out my band somtime we should get 2gether and hang do u surf? i went surfing with buddha and JC the other day u want 2 surf with me to? it’ll be sick
~ Tom Cruise – @shit4brains- I’d rather have sex with a female.
~ Jesus Christ – Don’t resist the asshole Buddha, if you ignore him he’ll go away eventually.
~ Pat Roberson – My Lord, is that you?
~ Jesus Christ – I defriended you for a reason Pat, leave me alone.
July 18th Mohammad– Hi Buddha. Thanks for the birthday wishes my brother. May a million spider webs protect you always.
~ The Buddha likes this.
July 19th The Buddha – Just chillin under a Bodhi tree with Patrick Swayze listening to some Nirvana hahaha!
~ The Buddha – There were like 3 jokes in that one. Why can’t you people just ‘like’ it?
~ Keanu Reeves likes this.
~ Keanu Reeves – dude, i got 2 of those funny jokes I was in the movie tell patrick that nobody puts baby in a corner hehehe he’ll get it!
~ Phil Jackson – @Keanu- Did your mother huff glue while breast feeding you? @Buddha- Hey B, I just came up with an inspiring and Zen inducing locker room speech, let me know when you have a minute to help me fine tune it.
~ Keanu Reeves – @Phil. your a dickbag
July 20th The Buddha wrote on Phil Jackson’s wall.
July 20th The Buddha– I heart fried peanut butter and Jelly toped with vanilla ice cream with a side of hot dogs and cheesy poofs!
~ Keanu Reeves – dude! mumumnomnomnom!
July 21st Ziggy Sobotka– Is this where I come to blow shit up and get 72 virgins?
~ The Buddha – No.
~ Mohammad – Oh Jesus Christ.
~ Jesus Christ – What?
~ Jesus Christ – Seriously, what?
Pat Robertson to God
Are you there God? It’s me….Pat.
Dear God, I praise your heavenly name on high! First off, I want you to know that I’m not angry with you. I’m angry and frustrated at this evil, despicable, sinful, horrible, horrible world. I’m just wondering why you allow people to be so hateful and judgmental? Why can’t they see that I am the chosen one, that I have a place reserved on the right side of Jesus himself upon the holy throne? Why do you allow people to mock me so? You know that when they are mocking me, they are mocking you. So I humbly ask you not to tarry or dither but to smite them and strike them down. Please?
I’m not angry with you lord, I just can’t yet see the bigger picture. Why do you bestow me with so much wisdom, rationality and love, and then compel me with your guiding light to speak my mind about what you have shown me, only to have people become incensed and hurtful when they hear the One Truth? Why do you allow them to disrespect me (you) your humble, chosen, holy servant? Why do you not allow the masses to see the truth as I present it to them about Haiti….that it was their own fault, that it was good for them in the long run? Why do the people not believe the truth that the Haitians made a deal with Satan to overcome the French occupation, and that the story is NOT some urban legend akin to pop rocks and Coke? Damn that Jon Stewart, damn him to the fiery pit of hell!
I’m not angry with you lord, but when I asked that seats open up on the Supreme Court, we both know darn well what I meant. All it would have taken is a heart attack here, an aneurism there, and maybe an automobile accident or two. You could have even gotten some of those brown followers of the false prophet to prove to the world that I was (through you) a true visionary by blowing some stuff up. Some stuff being liberal Supreme Court justices.
When I told my people (your people) that a hurricane, tornado, bomb (why can’t they just do what I tell them to DO?), or meteor was going to destroy Orlando because of the homosexuals and their Satanic agenda…..nothing happened. Why did you tell me that and then not do it? A meteor would have been just a splendid show of your awesome power.
On the same tack, why has nothing happened yet to Dover Delaware? You promised! We need to teach the sodomites and those who would harbor their wicked ways a lesson that they’ll never forget!
I’m not angry with you Lord, I’m really not, but when I rationally suggested that we (America) just ‘take out’ Hugo Chavez, why did that not happen? Dick Cheney was the most powerful man in the country at the time for Pete’s sake. You could’ve just made him listen, but nooooooo, nobody listens to meeee. Which means that nobody is listening to you. Please make them all pay dearly, oh Lord! Please?
Why couldn’t you just allow a small nuke to be dropped on Foggy Bottom, like I asked? Or destroyed the state department in some other Godly way?
Why, when it was clearly ‘your will,’ did you allow me to fail in even getting the nomination of my (our) republican party in the 1988 election. You let that brain dead dolt Bush win, and made me look like a gosh darned fool yet again. I guess I’m just a fool for you Lord. But I’m not in any way angry with you.
I praise your holy name for blessing me with a submissive wife and four children. But unfortunately, the only one interested in following in my hallowed footsteps (of serving you) seems to be Gordon. I don’t know if the boy’s dim or just dull, but frankly, I wouldn’t trust him to manage a 7/11 much less a multi-billion dollar God-machine. Also, don’t you think he may be a bit effeminate? Lord, if he’s hiding something, I pray that you tell me now so I can ‘take him out’ with my own two hands. If I find out after I’m beside you in heaven, I swear to you that I’ll move mountains and raise seas to destroy the boy. And I don’t care how many I take with him!
Sorry Lord, I’m not angry with you, I just got a little rambunctious there for a minute. I’m also just a little peeved that my protein shake didn’t take off like we thought it would. I’m hurt that my cast and crew of the 700 club snicker behind my very back and I pray that you please allow some great tragedy to befall every one of them…please? I’m frustrated that my donations have gone way down over the past few years (please punish the greedy) that I was allowed to make some bad investments, and that even Fox News won’t take me seriously anymore. FOX NEWS! They even interview that crazy Birther lady! But not me!
Aghghhhh Aaahhgghhgga. SHrrrrruuuaaghhhhaagghhhhh.
Is this some kind of Job situation Lord? Are you testing my faith? I’ll gladly pay you cash to make it stop. I still have all my faith, trust and love in only you Lord so please; I beg that you just STOP IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!
I’m not angry with you lord, I never could be. It’s just that nobody wants to look like a demented, bigoted, racist, sexist, delusional hypocrite year after year, decade after decade. This humiliation has been spread across two centuries. And I, who have been your ever humble, loyal and favorite servant don’t feel that I deserve this abuse.
So now I pray dear Lord that you faithfully bring justice upon this evil, sodomizing, feminist, idolatrizing world and destroy it completely. If you’re not ready for that yet, maybe you could just take out a continent (Asia or Europe would be great) or even just a region (Middle East but sparing Israel….please?) and finally prove how much you love me Lord!
ps: I’m seriously not angry with you.
pps: Could you also get all these PC Nazis off my back?
ppps: It’s not too late to drop a meteor on Disney. If you really want to make an old man happy?…..??……Please???