“…Be…u….ti…ful… friend” blares out from the speakers of my Cadillac Escalade in the parking lot of Mermaids, a strip club on St. Pete Beach. I hoover another line of blow and rig up another fix, my second in as many hours. I have more drugs, whatever anybody could want, in a duffle bag on the backseat. I have a nine millimeter tucked into my waist and an AR 15 on the floorboard. I’m ready like a motherfucker.
“…This is the end…”
I emptied my meagre savings account last week and bought a gun. I went to 34th and MLK and robbed a drug dealer. Then I went to Gulfport and robbed another couple men, hard. I shot a kid because he reached for his piece. Damn. I drove back home and tried to park but my Russian mafia neighbor had taken up two parking spaces with his obnoxious SUV. Again. I scribbled over a pizza menu with a Sharpie, left my car in the street and knocked on his door. When he answered I handed him the note. He read it, ‘Parking Enforcement’ and, just as his eyes narrowed with irritation and accusation, I pistol whipped him into a coma. I think. He was breathing but not moving. I think that’s like a coma? I took his car keys from his pocket and his wife’s vibrator from between the mattress and box springs. I was looking for money but when I saw that thing I impulsively took it. I’m kind of a klepto. And a freak. Apparently.
“No safety or surprise… the end.”
I haven’t been eating much but when I have it’s been double cheeseburgers with bacon and dipped in mayo. Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food to wash it down. I’m now only a few blocks from what was my happy home. It feels like miles. States. Countries away. I kissed my pets and stroked my wife goodbye and I’m not going back. I don’t want to see them suffer.
“…I’ll never look into your eyes… again.”
I’ve always promised myself that when the time came I’d go out in style. This is it. Drugs. Strippers. Scratch off lottery tickets. Maybe try anal sex with a small lavender vibrator. I have to work up a state of mind for a thing like that, I guess. The strippers are all willing to come out to the Cady and do a line or three but so far I haven’t had any luck convincing them that we should fuck like wild animals. Like vampires fuck on True Blood. Especially like that. It’s like these people don’t even care that we’re less than a week from the apocalypse.
When I found out that the animated corpse of Harold Camping not only predicted, but guaranteed, that the End of Days would begin on May 21st, I knew that it was time to party like it was 1999. Times a thousand. Like if Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan had a baby and the baby celebrated its 21st birthday in Vegas on Kill a Hooker day which also coincided with a Red Bull promotion in the hotel he was staying. That’s how hard it’s time to party. Harold Camping has amassed 100 million dollars on the back of this prophesy so you know it’s got to be airtight.
“In a… desperate land.”
Now I just need to recruit a few like minded road warriors, preferably really good looking slutty women, to ride west with me on an apocalyptic crime spree ending at Camping’s front door. I plan to make him clear his throat at gunpoint before giving him a message to give to God from me. “Thanks for all the fish. And opiates. Mostly the opiates.” Then, after those retards get raptured, I’ll be sitting on a huge pile of cash. And weaponry. Those End Timers are big on the guns right? Or am I thinking of the Branch Davidians? I can never remember my cults. The gravel mouthed crypt keeper says that those left behind, us, that we’ll have to endure 153 days of torment by the antichrist. Beats seven years. Fire my old apocalypse attorney. It’s a huge win for America. We’ll finally be free of conservatives and Christian rock. This is going to be a huge adrenaline rush. I’m ecstatic. I think I’m ready to try the vibrator.
“It hurts to set you free.”
Now, I’m going to blast another line. Then, I’m going to take a shit in the frozen food isle of the grocery store across the street. I dislike the night manager. She accused me of assaulting her husband and stealing her vibrator. That lying bitch.
(This is) The End
PS- To the SPBPD. This was a purely satirical piece of fiction. Any dead drug dealers, pistol-whipped Russian citizenry, stolen Escalades, or piles of steaming shit in local grocery stores, if they do in fact exist, are purely coincidental.
PPS- The only thing funnier than this zombified enema, Camping, are all the ‘normal’ Christians losing their shit and saying how crazy he is because nobody knows when it’ll happen. But all the other stuff is totally going to happen. “Shiny mirror make scary.”
PPPS- Seriously though, how cool would it be if this did actually happened. If it does, meet me at the corner of Hollywood and Vine on May 22nd at 2am and we’ll go all Waterworld except we’ll be on land. And without Kevin Costner. I hope.
PPPPS- Anyone interested in a 5 inch, gently used, lavender vibrator, please email me at email@example.com.
“But you’ll *never* follow… me”
It’s finally time to introduce you to the cast of my newest and possibly best reality show ever. And it doesn’t include a single Gypsy. For these people ‘reality’ is a little bit of a fuzzy, maybe even non-existent line, but the show will fall into the reality genre nonetheless. Instead of using my overly descriptive, adjective heavy style of writing, I’ll let you get to know the inner-scramblings of their brains by their own words.
Some of you may feel the urge to be sickened or even repulsed by their quotes (and life), but you need to fight that urge. God himself put these people on the planet for our, and presumably his own, entertainment and amusement. It would be a SIN NOT to use them to their hilarious potential.
Remember, one of these people might be in the house next door to you right now praying, listening to Glenn Beck, cleaning their handguns, praying, crying, and most of all…..getting madder and madder. Once I get this show up and running they’ll be safely tucked away in a ‘studio home’ which will be much more ‘compound like’ in actuality. I left the spelling, grammar and punctuation as is so that you can really get to know them! The only thing I did add was quotation marks. Every quote was cut and pasted directly from Rapture Ready. So in their own words…………………
— “That’s the beauty of Heaven… we can leave our brains behind.”
— “This is also why the hate crimes bill is so dangerous. It protects child molesters, AND if your child so much as turns down their own rape- they are guilty of a hate crime. If your child fights a rapist by scratching the face of their attacker- hate crime. Child molesters were qualified under this because their perversion towards childred is seen as sexual orientation. America is toast.”
— “There are three races, Jews, Gentiles and the Church.”
— “Nope, no vaccinations for my children. They are 3 & 4 and have never had more than the sniffles their entire life. I cover them with pray, rebuke the enemy and stand on God’s promises. And He has been faithful. Based on my research, vaccinations do more harm than good.
I think everyone should decide based on their own personal research and convictions. If a mom chooses to vaccinate, it’s her decision. I however, cannot, in good conscience, subject my children to this poison.”
— “Last night, I almost threw myself on the floor and BEGGED Jesus to come back. I really was near to pitching a hissy fit. I WANNA GO HOME! ”
— “Meeee too meeee too! It’s so hard to even climb out of bed in the morning knowing I have to face antoher day. I get to a point, seriously get to a point, when I start to wonder if it’s going to happen…at all…ever! Then I calm down and know in my heart that the Word of God is true.”
— “I think baldness is related to having a haughty spirit or arrogance.”
— “If you watched Glen Beck today and saw the end of the show when he was almost in tears…..
What exactly did he mean when he said it was time for us to make hard choices and take our country back?”
— “Where I come from (Asia), if a leader is deliberately taking the country in the wrong direction, he’d be warned one then twice… If he still chooses to not listen to the people who elected him, then the people will go to this leader and make sure that they are heard on the spot. If the leader gets cocky, the people will bring him out and deal with him accordingly…
Not putting any words here or anything.. But sometimes when words don’t make a difference anymore, then force becomes a necessity.
I guess force is what GB is proposing.. Although he wouldn’t be able to say that on the TV without being arrested and charged.
Just saying…” Me- This guy’s location….Toronto.
— “I say we agree to trade all the captive Muslims including the ones in GITMO, and pull all of our people out of Iraq and Afghanistan. Then we all put on some real strong sun block and turn the other cheek… (facing away from the bright flash) If they run shoot ’em. They are terrorists. If the don’t run shoot ’em; they are just well disciplined terrorists…”
— “vampires dont exist??
there are satanic sects out there that drink blood-human and animal\isnt that a definition of vampire-oce u take out the supernatural out -liek the flying abilities which could possible be tru because the enemy does have power of his own that he gives to his seerrvants!”
— “So Sodom and Gomorrah didn’t deserve what happened to them?”
— “Forcing a wife to have sex is not rape as her body already belongs to her husband.”
— “Regardless of the Bible[, you condemn slavery]? Do you then advocate making our ‘moral sense’ authoritative rather than the Bible?”
— “Ok, the other day I purchased a batman action figure toy with blue tint wings and the cool shoot em up things that go with. My 6 year old son was having a great time playing and came over to me to show off the toy. A couple of times I was looking at it and thought to myself how for some reason the toy reminded me of a demon, especially with the wings, and started to kind of wonder about these super hero toys being sold. I didn’t say anything but a few minutes lator my son (who accepted Christ when he was 41/2) came up to me and said, “Mom, doesn’t this toy look like a demon? It’s just wrong, I don’t want to have this toy because it’s actually a demon. It’s just wrong!”
— “I am sure you have noticed how terrible the news is. I get on-line to see the daily news and it is terrible. I have some old newspapers from the 60’s and the news was very very calm compared to what it is now. I wonder how bad it will get before Jesus comes and rescues us from all of this?”
— “Oh I hope He does come soon. This world is going down the toilet so fast. I know I shouldn’t fear, and I don’t for myself, but I have a wife and 8 year old son. It’s them that I don’t want harm to come to. I just can’t imagine what would happen if they showed up at our doors and said it’s time to go to the “camp”. With how many times I’ve written our congressman, written letters to the editor for our paper, belonging to multiple Christian and political websites as well as being an elder at our church, I’m sure I’m already red flagged. Well, at least I know my eternal security regardless what happens, and therein lies my hope and joy, that I will forever be with the Lord! But even so, come Lord Jesus, come! Right now would be good.”
— “I’ll take God’s book over my brain & think power any day!!”
— “I have always been afraid of Muslims. I remember the last time I flew (in ’89 I think) I was on the plane and 2 men were sitting I think across the aisle talking in a foreign language. I was terrified that they were hijackers, and I was almost in tears the whole flight. In retrospect I think they may have been speaking French. But it was so scary for me at the time….”
— “Question. I am a saved person..I die and am an organ doner..eyes, liver, heart, lungs..you name it if they can use it they do..
my organs go into unsaved people..
The rapture happens..do my saved organs fly out of the unsaved people who are using them?..
With the thread on one of these boards (can’t remember which one) speaking of saved skeletons disappearing in Biology classes all over the world..I’m beginning to see the rapture in ways I never thought of before..”
ME-This was about Obama making a speech to school children..
— “Is it bad that I just want to cry? I seriously just want to go home. I’m so sick of Satan coming after our children!!!”
— “Beware of any reports of ‘human type’ life being discovered in space. At its worse, it will be a lie. At its best, it will be demon related in some way.”
— “Earth Day is part of the environmental/green movement which ultimately is a worship of nature. Christians should have nothing to do with this. That is not to say we should not try to be good stewards, but the environmental movement is ultimately anti-christ.”
— “In an unrelated note. I always carry a few nuts and bolts at amusement parks. after we get locked in the ride and start to move, I hold up a few of them and say to the person next to me look what just fell out of this thing. It is a great witnessing tool. Everytime I did that the person next to me started praying.”
Me- This thread was about why women dress so provocatively now……..
— “My answer to this is that they are trying desperately to fill a hole in which only Christ can fill.” -Me……um????
— “I don’t plan on going back to college anyway because everyone there is a Christian-hating communist. I don’t like to be places where I am not wanted. I’ll just be homeless or end up in prison. I don’t really care at this point.”
— “I think it is unfair to say people in their 20-40s are clueless. I am 29 years old, my husband is 35. I am extremely well informed on current world events and the evils of our President. Mostly thanks to rapture ready news, Rush, and Mike Savage.”
— “The septic system is just another invention and if it was needed God himself would have placed it on earth when he created all things that humans needed to live. All the inventions ever made do not improve apon Gods work as you can not improve perfection.”
— “I know as Christians we have to deal with a lot of evil in this world and we are never going to be totally sheltered from it, but to me homosexuality is one of the WORST evils out there because it is overpowering everything and it is being shoved down our throats left and right.” Me- maybe Frued was on to something after all.
Me- And one of my all time favorites from one of the stars of my new show…….
— “I have a one-hour commute daily and usually use my cruise control on the freeway. Lately, I have been thinking that if the rapture occurs (come quickly Lord Jesus) while I am driving, having my cruise control on may cause a non-believers death. Am I thinking too much, or should I use my right foot instead of the cruise control? Has anyone else thought of this?”
I swear to God that I didn’t make any of those up. If your interested in reading more for yourself just google RR BB and hit the first thing that comes up. (Rapture Ready). Please do not attempt to contact them or steal my show idea. I called ‘dibsies’ first. Once I get these quirky characters into a controlled/video ready environment I promise you that hilarity will indeed ensue. Stay tuned, on Friday I will reveal the reality show that is finally going to bring me Bruckheimer money!