Everyone knows how much I love reality TV. As far as I’m concerned television writers are just not capable of emulating the kind of entertainment that our fellow man can produce. Literally speaking; you can not make this stuff up. The magic formula for the kind of show that I enjoy is to put the perfect amount of craziness in a pot, slowly turn up the heat, stir, and then just watch the hilarity ensue.
I’ve been working on reality show ideas that I would personally enjoy for some time now. If you missed them, please check out ‘The New Reality’ #I and #II . I guarantee you will love them or my name is not Chuck Barris and I am not a CIA assassin. My newest obsession is with Gypsies; I just can’t seem to get enough of their quirky shenanigans! Again, If you have not read Meet The Gypsies I suggest you do so now. So, I came up with a reality show just for them. This was a daunting task; to give the viewer a proper introduction into the daily lives of European Gypsies, and somehow, make their monotonous, boring lives at least somewhat entertaining. So I now give you…..
This would be loosely based on the internet sensation ‘Mafia Wars.’ We would follow a group of 8 gypsy families as they fight, stab, steal, and intoxicate themselves in an effort to win the title of Top Gypsy Clan. Each week, two families will vie for supremacy in a variety of skills challenges and competitions for the right to move on to the next round. Some of the preliminary challenges will include….
Small knife but big fucking stick fighting– Our Gypsy warriors will each be armed with a three inch blade and a really big fucking stick to battle it out in hand to hand combat. The victor can win by (A)-Knocking his opponent out. (B)-Stabbing his opponent into unconsciousness. (C)-Making his opponent tap out. (D)- And by FAR the most common; making his opponent run away screaming “Puta, Puta,” only to come back ten minutes later in a fit of demonic rage yet somehow be miraculously held back by his 90lb girlfriend. – He really, really wants to continue fighting but can never seem to break free of the ferocious womanly grip. Never the less, this challenger loses. The winner will be awarded 10 points for his clan, the sexual partner of his choosing, and the lion’s share of the ‘Iron Stomach’ challenge.
Iron Stomach– This challenge is a clan-wide competition, even the tots can play! It will be a happy mix of ‘Fear Factor,’ a drinking contest, and ‘Top Chef.’ The competitors will dive into the city dumpsters to find the days consumables by opening trash bags, jamming what they find into their mouths, and then occasionally spiting it back out onto their shirts. Then after gathering the culinary delights, they will consult with the clan’s sommelier to determine whether to go with the homemade hooch or buy a 99 cent bottle of rubbing alcohol, strain it through a loaf of bread, and add it to the 50 cent box wine that has been previously stolen. The rules now become very simple; the clan that has the most members consume the meal and drink, but has the fewest clan members throw up….wins! As a bonus to the losers, all members who die will be fewer mouths to feed the following day. So really, there are no losers. Well, except the dead Gypsies.
Project Gypsy Runway- These Gypsy fashionistas will root through dumpsters, steal from charity shops, and beg from people on the street to come up with the season’s hottest avant-garde Gypsy look. *This challenge was inspired just today as a passing gypsy asked my wife for the shirt she was wearing. Seriously.
Find that vein- These lucky contestants will pick a needle, any needle, off of the ground in front of their home, give it a cursory rinse with stream water, and prepare to use it. Some of the syringes will contain Hep. B, some will contain the HIV, some will contain ‘God knows what else,’ but they will all contain very low-grade heroin. The anxiety inducing part of the challenge will be finding a healthy, usable vein now that they have a loaded syringe ready. They have to be careful not to hit the radial artery in their hand though, or they will end up having to have a few fingers amputated….again. The irony in this challenge lies in the fact that to win this ‘immunity’ challenge, they will most likely contract a contagious disease. –I decided to add this challenge after learning that this is an event that they practice for daily.
Next week I will reveal the final few ‘Gypsy Wars’ games, and the wonderful prizes to be won! And as always; I’m open to ideas and suggestions!
More of the best new reality TV ideas!
If you missed #1, I strongly urge you to go back and read The new reality #1 I need strong moral and financial support in my brave fight to put quality programming on the air! I have a network executive tied up in my basement but so far negotiations are at a standstill. So I need your help people! I have come up with a few more charming ideas to push the envelope of reality!
~An Honest Education or Home School Hell?
This would be a Jeopardy-style game show for those lucky seniors about to graduate from that esteemed classroom at Mom’s kitchen table. Our young scholars will answer such questions as;
─What kind of dinosaurs did Adam and Eve have as pets?
─Is the NRA one of the three branches of government, Yes or No?
─What is the square root of 25?
─ If you have 20 people, 12 are catholic, 10 are liberals, 5 are gay, and 15 saw “The Da Vinci Code” how many are going to hell?
In the event of a tie, we would have them point out the various places that the ‘evil-doers’ live on a map, with the ‘axis of evil’ countries being worth double.
Unfortunately, the ‘losers’ parents will face criminal prosecution by the United Negro College Fund, because a mind IS a terrible thing to waste!
The lucky winner will get to choose from a vast array of employment opportunities such as;
- Restroom attendant for Larry Craig!
- Page for Mark Foley!
- Masseuse/Meth-dealer for Ted Haggard!
- Or, if Sarah Palin wins in 2012, The Attorney General of the United States!
*In the interest of being ‘Fair and Balanced’ I’ll pick on a liberal arts education soon.
~ Animal Relations with Dr. Drew
A couple months ago I wrote a post titled Dirty animal sex and its popularity has astounded me. It was about animals having sex, not sex with animals. You would not know that from the keywords people ‘googled’ to get to this post however. At one point I looked up the most popular keywords out of curiosity, and most were involving Hot Live Porn, Filthy Monkey Masturbation, and Philly Cocks*. Anyway the pathology of the human mind fascinates me, so why not do a show to find out how all of these people became this way.
I mean I kind of ‘get’ why lonely farmers out it the middle of nowhere resort to sex with goats. I don’t really get it, but it’s understandable in the way that people who marry their cousins in West Virginia are understandable. There are just no other options. But to seek something like that out on the internet, which is filled to it’s sex crazed brim with anything else you might want, WHY animals. How can someone’s thought process/libido become so twisted that sex with livestock could make them even minutely aroused? What happened during childhood? Show me on this Curious George doll, er.. wait,.. AAHHH!
Dr. Drew is perfect for the role because he’s one of the few people that is capable of sitting through an interview with a rabbit rapist without laughing, crying, or puking. I think it would make compelling TV to say the least.
*I did not add all of those keywords just to get thousands of hits on this blog. HAHA!
PS. If you came upon this post by way of Philly Cocks, then please seek help immediately!
This show will be a complete rip off of Survivor except for the fact that it will be real. We will drop 10 lucky contestants in the middle of exotic and dangerous locations. There will be no Jeff Probst, there will be no rewards, no rules, the only challenge will be to survive and not quit. Whoever makes it the longest wins a cool million. We’ll make sure that all they are all dick-ish and cocky, that they brag and lie all the time. We will pretty much follow the gold standard that ‘Coach’ set this year on ‘Survivor’. Then if they give up, they’ll have to sign an affidavit promising to never speak of their greatness again. Then I will appear and say, “Your dragon slayer sword is now forever sheathed” or something along those lines.
Then every couple seasons we will mix it up and have an urban edition where we take ten wasp-ish contestants and drop them in the ‘hood’. Or, take ten minority contestants and drop them in the bible belt. We could have a celebrity edition where we put Rush Limbaugh in San Francisco, put Nancy Pelosi in a southern country club, and feed Lou Dobb’s to some hungry immigrants.
Please do feel free to leave a comment or an idea. If you would care to contribute to this worthy cause, please make checks payable to Zodiblog; In care of Ecstasy and Hookers, Amsterdam Holland, Po box.55555 as I am STILL stuck here filming, ‘Amsterdam After Dark’. Oh, the sacrifices I continue to make for my fans!!
#1 because I have a feeling that this is a topic I will come back to endlessly, it’s just too good. After already having established my affinity for reality shows I thought I’d share some of my more innovative ideas for the future of reality programming. I have tried pitching some of these ideas to the major networks but I’m still not positive that it’s a go. It’s really hard to communicate with a restraining order. Yes, I’m talking about you NBC.
Anyway here are a few…
~Amsterdam After Dark.
I know what you’re thinking, but no, nothing too pornographic. We would follow a cast of 7 principle ‘characters’ through their lives and misadventures in Amsterdam’s red light district. After meeting an explicit criteria based casting call that is sure to have the freaks lining up around the corner, 12 lucky contestants will be chosen based on their experience. The call will go out for prostitutes, club promoters, dancers, sex show performers, cops (preferably a little on the shady side), coffee shop owners and ecstasy dealers. One or two from each category will move on to the next stage – a chance to not only appear on TV at their worst, but also to be able to show off their chosen lifestyle to thousands of enthralled and confused viewers. Oh, and a chunk of change, enough to at least pay for a rehab, medical care, or commissary in the event of incarceration.
We’d get to know these people intimately and thoroughly through their ups and downs, highs and lows, no pun intended. Maybe the most entertaining of all would be the chance to ‘meet’ the side characters on the periphery of society that could only be found in Holland (or Florida). The characters in the sex clubs alone would be worth the price of admission. I’d have to do something about the background techno beat though, I hate that shit. It would be like a drugged up, sexed up, European version of ‘Housewives of Orange County’ except without the housewives. Ok, nothing at all like that show, but you get the gist.
A harmonious combination of the violence of MSNBC’s ‘Lock up’ and the mystery and violence of ‘Lost’. This quality program would probably have to air at night on HBO, Showtime, or even pay per view, due to what might be a whole lotta blood. We would take the worst of the worst type prisoners, guys so evil and violent they can’t even function in prison, guys who are in the shoe for life, and offer them an ideal alternative. The alternative is of course being dropped on a tropical island in the middle of nowhere with 50 like minded contemporaries. Surround the island with underwater electric fencing. Fill their side of the sea with sharks, eels, barracudas, box jellyfish, and whatever the hell Brook Shields stepped on in ‘Blue Lagoon. Add some hidden cameras and presto, prime time magic baby. Magic! Then if they got themselves on track and sorted out and the show became a little boring, you could throw in some tigers, cheetahs, and maybe to give it a ‘Lost’ feel, a few polar bears. If I could do a smoke monster I would, but that’s just not an option in real life, unfortunately. It would be a win/win for everyone, they wouldn’t have to rot away in a box for centuries, and we would be provided with at least a couple hours of entertainment. If this one sounds a little mean, I apologize but there is absolutely nothing worth watching on Tuesday night.
~Big Brother OCD.
The worst part about OCD is when you feel that you have to do some compulsion, but you know that you’re being watched, and you have to do it anyway. Then you feel like a freak, but you’re not a freak damn it, it’s just that if I don’t tap my right arm against my right leg while silently mouthing the Family Guy theme 4 times in a row, then my father will probably die in a sub-prime, credit crunch induced freak accident. Oops..breath…..ok, that was what the doctor calls a slip. So as far as debilitating mental illnesses go, OCD is by far one of the most amusing. So the show would be like regular Big Brother but with obsessions and compulsions. The HOH competition would consist of games like who can walk by a light switch without having to flick it 17 times. Who can shake the most hands in a row without running to the bathroom in tears to apply the compulsory hand sanitizer. Lots of fun and games like those. We would put people in the house with conflicting compulsions as well. There will be one person who has to polish every piece of silverware in the tray and another who has to rewash anything that’s been touched by someone else. They would either kill each other or just get over it. They would just get over it, trust me I know. If need be we could add a physiatrist and meds as rewards. See the show does have some redeeming social value as well.
I personally guarantee that these would be some of the top rated shows in television history. (I feel that we would win all resulting lawsuits as well.) I don’t understand why the network execs refuse to acknowledge my genius. Anyway, due to my perseverance and optimism I’m still filming and doing research in Amsterdam. My dedication to excellence in broadcasting is inexplicable, even to myself.
For years I’ve ceaselessly pondered the astounding popularity of reality TV. How can all these people watch this shit? Why do they care? What the fuck? Now back in the day, I did love me some MTV real world, but that was just my immaturity at the time. Who wouldn’t like to watch a bunch of kids my age partying half naked while being cool, hip, irrelevant smart asses? I never realized at the time, but that was the invention of reality TV. After growing out of that though, I couldn’t get it. Don’t we watch TV to escape from reality? Isn’t this defeating the whole purpose?
It’s amazing how much things change. After moving to Spain and waiting for 2 months to have internet installed I combed the web, searching for ways to download and watch the survivor and big-brother episodes I missed while in limbo. I can no longer run or hide from the truth; I am now a self confessed reality junkie.
I am not even really ashamed to admit (yes I am) that I’ve watched entire seasons of both Top Model and even Project Runway, and I’m not even gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that… but I’m not. The thing is, I’m not really big on fashion, and I couldn’t design a fucking sock. So why do I watch, why do I care? Well after some self exploration and philosophical musings that would make Nietzsche have a breakdown, I believe I’ve come to some conclusions.
I’ll try to keep these as simple as possible. I think one of the biggest reasons is that we truly miss meeting new kinds of people. As we get older we tend to become more and more isolated in our socio economic cocoons of like minded people. If you’re liberal you watch CNN, if you’re a dick you watch Fox, that kind of thing. You tend to gravitate to those that agree with you about most things. I really noticed when I first moved to the suburbs that everyone acts and reacts in the preconditioned ways in which they were raised to act or react. You hardly find genuine uniqueness anymore.
Saturday: wash the minivan, cut the grass, go to a reasonably priced chain restaurant, come home and drink 5 Budweisers. Or maybe even Heinekens.
Sunday: either attend a judeo Christian church then go out to a cheap breakfast chain, or just go to a cheap breakfast chain and bitch about the church folk making it busy. Then go home to watch the home team play whatever sport the season dictates, falling asleep on an easy chair. Real life is practically scripted with everything but the smarmy catch phrase. “Woooh,” Sorry, bit of a rant. Anyway people behave exactly how you expect them to behave in any given circumstance, and it gets really fucking boring.
It’s only when you A: put people in extraordinary/unusual situations (Survivor) , or B: when people are in front of a camera so long that they forget (Big Brother), that you can actually get a glimpse of the characteristics that make us human. Even the celebrity reality shows are enthralling because you get to watch people even more deeply entrenched in their public persona come out of their shell. Usually to disturbing and horrifying results. Well I guess you can even see that on Letterman.
For me I know I’d rather endure an obscenity laced rant from Chef Ramsey, a dick-ish Jeff Probst snuffing my torch, or even an auf wiedersehen kiss from Heidi Klum than having to sit through another conversation with some douchbag neighbor, extolling the benefits of Scott’s turf builder.
Or maybe it’s just half naked hot chicks partying.