Guy Who Looks Like That Guy in the Irish Spring Soap Commercial: If you looked up the Dunning-Kruger effect in the encyclopedia there would be a photo of Sarah Palin.
Amazingly Hot White Girl Wearing a Funny Hat, Like the Kind the Stoners Wear: I know, right? Then there would totally be a picture of some overweight mid-western truck driver and his wife, and they’d be standing in front of their gun rack and you’d see Glenn Beck on their TV in the background.
Guy Who Looks Like That Guy in the Irish Spring Soap Commercial: Yea. Fuck yea.
Amazingly Hot White Girl Wearing a Funny Hat, Like the Kind the Stoners Wear: This hat is itching the shit outta my head, ugh.
— On the campus of White Mountain Community College.
Debbie Does Dover
Old Man in Fur Hat: I heard the Pattison girl is buying the old Hemler property.
Old Man in Flannel Coat: What?
Another Old Man in another Flannel Coat: Debbie? She’s 58 years old. Hardly a girl now is she?
Old Man in Fur Hat: She’s younger than me.
Old Man in Flannel Coat: I have to take a leak.
— Bus stop in Dover
Man in Bar #1: I heard that Jimmy Mullen dropped acid the other day.
Man In Bar #2: Yea, he got really messed up by that stuff man.
Woman in Bar: What happened.
Man #2: He was etching a new window for the Presbaterian church and knocked it off the table. That hydrofluoric acid burned his foot and calf up something fierce. Pity
Man #1: Shame
Man #2: They should take up a collection. You know, at the church.
—A local bar in Portsmouth.
Live Free or Die
Eckhart Tolle, Speaking on Campus at Dartmouth: You know, this state motto has always bothered me; it’s a false dichotomy. How exactly does one quantify the word freedom? And in what sense would one, supposedly, rather die than ‘not’ live free? For none of us are ever truly free until we are finally able to throw off the bowlines of physicality and set sail onto the brilliantly empty sea of death that can only be achieved through giving up one’s past identity as well as their stake in the future. This process will be expedited by purchasing my books and CD’s.
Student #1: No dude, I think it’s just a motto, like Virginia being for gay lovers or whatever. .
Student #2: Virginia is for lovers moron.
Student #1: Well, it’s also for gay lovers. I have a gay uncle that loves it down there.
Student #2: oh, word.
Eckhart Tolle: Stay in the moment people.
Earl: Did you hear that a colored family moved in last week?
Earl’s friend: You’re supposed to just say black these days Earl.
Earl: But they aren’t black.
Earl’s friend: Well, what are they?
Earl: I don’t know… Middle Eastern I think.
Earl’s Friend: Jesus killers or suicide bombers?
—Denny’s on Route 6
Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin gave a speech last night. A speech that I firmly believe will alter the very fabric of politics in America and probably the world as well. The great orator was succinct, erudite and uncharacteristically reasonable. Despite her scary intellect, Palin was able to adroitly ‘dumb down’ her language to enhance communication with her audience, while still mastering the folksiness and sing-song voice that has made her a political rock star.
As Palin stepped onstage, she was met by a raucous, blood-thirsty crowd in full lynch-mob mentality. Without hesitation, Sarah began her speech, “Hiya! I know that many of you proud Americans came here tonight expecting to see a pit-bull or a even a barracuda..(laughs)……. But I’m sorry to tell ya…..that the pit-bull has been rescued and the barracuda is belly up.” The opening line was met with gasps of shock and looks of consternation from the long confused tea baggers.
After Palin paused for a full two minutes to collect her thoughts, the audience was still visibly shaken but seemed willing to listen. She finally continued, “Over the last several months I’ve had time for some deep introspection, and I’ve come to realize a few things about salvation. Salvation as an individual. Salvation for our country. And salvation for our world!”
“I now know that now is NOT the time for derision, for hatred, or for casting aspersions upon our fellow man nor our perceived enemies. With unemployment running rampant, and the global economy on the precipice of disaster, NOW is the time to put aside our differences and rejoice in our commonalities. Republicans, democrats, independents and tea baggers everywhere, Christians, Muslims, Buddhists and even wacky backy Rastafarians (chuckles),… everyone the world over, NOW is the time for rationality, for intellect and for passionate but civil discourse!”
“Most of all NOW is the time for love! We can change the world with pure, true love. Love for each other, love for every living organism and love for the earth which sustains our very existence. I’ve come to the conclusion that without love pervading our every thought and action…..I truly feel that all civilization has achieved throughout our six thousand years (wink) on earth, will be lost…. forever.” As she paused and a single tear escaped her beautiful left eye, most of the audience fell to their knees utterly lost in the rapturous moment.
As she continued I began to lose any semblance of coherent thought. I felt awash in a pure, white light. I then knew that the world would never be the same. I awoke in a sea of tears. Tears of joy for the new, enlightened era of politics. Later, during the ‘Great Teacher’s (as I will refer to her forevermore) post-speech Q and A, I was able to re-focus my attention. I heard her utter one of the most Zen-inducing sentences ever contemplated. She said, “They’re not knowin what are we gonna do if we don’t have Tea Party support” I know that it will likely take years of intense meditation before I can begin to grasp the essence of such profundity.
As a testament to her new outlook, the former governor has agreed to donate her one hundred thousand dollar fee from the event to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
God Bless Her!!
In ‘possibly related’ news…
Rush Limbaugh was arrested last night after tearing apart his Palm Beach home in a drunken, drug-fueled rage. Limbaugh scuffled with police until they were able to subdue him with an extra value meal.
FOX News Corp. held an emergency midnight meeting with all top level executives. A trusted source has informed the media that FOX will be filling for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection on Monday morning.