Zodi’s Blog

This is the End

Those prophetic words, sung out in rapturous melancholy over 3 decades ago by the man in black ma…. No, not Johnny Cash, I mean Jim Morrison. He wasn’t the man in black? But he always wore black. Sorry. Anyway, those prophetic words may be finally coming to fruition. On New Year’s Eve, birds began falling out of the sky, dead before they hit the ground and were presumably stepped on or driven over with irritation and mild disgust. By Saturday morning there were 5,000 dead birds littering the ground in the small, rural community of Beebe Arkansas. A town which was named after the wealthy Governor, I think. That’s also the governor’s name so it seems awfully coincidental, I mean, what do you expect from rednecks?

 

 

It doesn’t matter what you expect from rednecks, really. The 5,000 dead blackbir.… “No, there were definitely 4,858 dead Red Winged Blackbirds” said eyewitness Raymond Babbitt. “Definitely Red Winged Blackbirds, definitely 4,858 dead Red Winged Blackbirds. It’s definitely the beginning of the biblical apocalypse, uh oh.”    

 

This bizarre incident was only the beginning however, as other poor southern states hoped to get in on the new bird apocalypse tourist industry and so reported mass ornithoid deaths of their own. Soon Kentucky, Louisiana and Texas had joined the Dead Wing Club causing residents in those states to go out and buy beer, cigarettes and Garth Brooks CD’s. By the next morning Europe had joined the fray with Sweden chiming in and reporting the deaths of at least 50 Jackoffs. Almost all of them listened to Yanni and shopped at IKEA. I tried to reach Lisbeth Salander for comment, since she’s the only Nordic chick I know but so far she just keeps calling me Bastard Kalle Fucking Oglesby and immediately slamming the phone down. That bitch has issues, in my opinion. But she’s super hot and nifty with the computer so I still love her hard.

 

Before long this global phenomena had spread, like herpes on a warm butter knife, to marine life and fresh new cases were reported in Kent England with 40 Devil Craps, Brazil with an estimated 100 tons of fish (although it’s hard to tell for certain since the scientists in charge of records kept getting laid by amazingly hot and well groomed beach goers and losing count), Chesapeake Bay Maryland with 100k fish, and thousands more in Florida. However authorities believe the fish in Florida probably went there specifically to die.    

 

“These incidents have people worried.” Said Stephen Foster, media spokesman for The Organization for the Representation of Public Sentiment. “Other prevalent emotions include anxiousness, anger, disappointment and feelings of inadequacy. Though the last one is primarily due to the public’s tiny penis size.” Foster went on to clarify during his press conference on Friday. 

 

Bill O’Reilly stirred the pot by blaming the birds themselves for instigating the trend. “It has to be said,” O’Reilly stated during his show Friday, “these blackbirds are 100% to blame for this. Poor Irish and German birds came over and made a better life for themselves. These blackbirds started this with their gangster rap talking about their bitches and ho’s and cappin somebody’s ass and this is what happens. The community turns on itself and you have this blackbird on blackbird violence, culminating in 5,000 dead birds in Arkansas in a single day.”

“Definitely 4, 858 dead Red-Winged Blackbirds.” Raymond Babbitt interjected from the guest panel.

“That’s right,” O’Reilly went on “this retarded guy knows his facts!”

“I’m definitely not retarded. Asshole.” Babbitt replied scathingly.   

 

Dennis Miller then chimed in with, “I wonder if Huckabee used the Phonoi and Androktasiai to trick Cernunnos by using Limos and Hysminai in causing this massive genocide like a militant Idi Amin wiping out a Ugandan village because he didn’t like the local farmers’ cassava output, you know what I mean Bill?”

“Yep, yes, you got em Dennis.” Bill O’Reilly lied.

“Uh oh.” agreed Babbitt.

O’Reilly said in closing, “It’s getting so normal, respectable, Christian whites with western European ancestry can’t walk down the street without being struck about the head and shoulders with bloody bird carcasses. It’s a disgrace.”

 

The latest incident saw 8 thousand turtle doves fall from the sky in Italy, their beaks stained with blue. While this is a normal sign of hypoxia, Silvio Berlusconi offered this explanation, “They are stupid, stupid animal. Why are you for caring?”

 

Scientists worldwide have offered up some plausible (alien death rays, an angry God) and some ridiculous (fireworks, cold water, disease) explanations and have urged restraint and common sense but this reporter doesn’t buy any of it. 

He may not look it, but he's enraged.

 

Big, big things are happening folks, and they are going to keep happening, even escalating, maybe, until the end of the fucking world. But don’t quote me on that.

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January 9, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , | 53 Comments

A very Smurfy Christmas Letter

Dear Smurfily and friends, 

 

2010 has been an eventful year for the Smurf clan. We’ve had our ups, downs and Smurfarounds but we have always persevered and held strong to our faith in The Flying Spaghetti Smurf. We are lucky to still be around I suppose. Our critics assumed that we would be Smurfed off by irony or mercury poisoning long before now. Although our Smurfily has suffered a calamitous tragedy (more on that below) we are still growing strong and Smurfpering.

.

 

Our unwavering faith in Flying Spaghetti Smurf has kept us strong.

 

– Our proud patriarch, Grandpa Smurf, has miraculously made a full recovery from triple bypass Smurfery in July. Within mere days he had his Smurfy disposition back and was asking Nursey Smurf for a Smurfjob. He then boasted to the whole family that she had actually Smurfed him. Luckily we were able to narrowly avoid a Smurfsuit. Grandpa Smurf is now back in his Smurfdominium in Florida. We’re sure that his new wife, Golddigger Smurf is giving him all the Smurfjobs he could want.

 

– Prince Smurfly has finally proposed to Debutant Smurf and the answer was a Smurftastic yes! The Smurfily could not be any happier. We were secretly terrified that he was going to Smurf her up before making her an honest Smurf. We didn’t want to have to Smurf any more brake lines.

 

– Last we heard from Brainy Smurf he was still Smurfy with his hush hush job at the Department of Smurfense in Smurfantico Virginia. Brainy Smurf is still a bachelor, much to the chagrin of his father and me. We’re sure that if he had a spare moment to call his own Smurfs; he’d want to wish us all a Smurfy Christmas. Hopefully next year he’ll use that big brain of his to understand the importance of Smurfily.

     

– Our lovely daughter, Stripper Smurf, has been clean and sober for over two years now and is still quite content with her job at The Player’s Ball. She was recently promoted to a Champaign Room Smurf which will bring her a tidy sum in newfound tips. (Invest well Stripper Smurf!) She has always set the academic standard in the family and this past June she completed her third bachelors degree, this time in Computer Sciences. She is still hard at work on both a Masters of Smurf Arts and a Doctorate in Smurfucation. Stripper Smurf also hopes to be granted visitation rights to her two children who are still in Smurfster Care due to the unpleasantness of a few years ago. Stripper Smurf is lucky in love once again and has moved in with a nice man she met at one of her meetings. Stripper Smurf has purchased another Chihuahua (Cyrstal Smurf) and we’re all hoping this one is in better health than poor little Icy Smurf who died suddenly while resting in Stripper Smurf’s purse last New Smurf’s Eve.

.

 

I swear, there’s a Smurf for everything I need. Or at least a naked blue chick. Which is good too.

 

– Greedy Smurf has left Smurf Waterhouse after being offered the Senior VP slot over at Goldman Smurfs. The gig came with a 10 million sign on bonus but I doubt the Smurfily will see any of that money.

 

– Greedy Smurf’s son, Junkie Smurf, almost died after oversmurfing on Smurf earlier this year. After the close call, Junkie Smurf went to rehab but soon relapsed after realizing that he was Junkie Smurf and that was his familial role, after all.

 

– As most of you know, after Shia Smurf’s nephew was injured in a Smurf bomb he declared a fatwa on Sunni Smurf and his kin. Since then, the two Smurfilies have been mired in incessant Smurfering and barbaric violence. Perhaps by this time next year they will come to their Smurf senses.

 

– Fundy Smurf is still Smurf schooling her children despite the pleas from the rest of the Smurfily. She usually dismisses our concern for demonic possession. Fundy Smurf took her family to the Creation Museum for their vacation this year where the Smurfettes learned all about how Smurfus Christ rode Smurfosaurs from village to village! (Some Smurf needs to invent a sarcasm font.)        

 

– Nobody has seen Ninja Smurf this year. That makes 12 years in a row. Great job Ninja Smurf!

 

– Zombie Smurf is still in quarantine so as to prevent a Smurfpocalypse.

.

 

Is anyone else as inappropriately excited as I am that there is a Zombie Smurf? There’s a Smurf for everything!

 

– Racist Smurf has spent the last year valiantly defending our borders and preserving our Smurfly culture.     

 

– Rapture Smurf is still waiting patiently but not accomplishing much else.

 

– Now, to address the elephant in the room. We are of course, all still mourning the deaths of Sleepy Smurf, Clumsy Smurf, Hefty Smurf, Rescue Smurf, Hero Smurf, Pokey Smurf, Awkward Smurf, Whiteboy Smurf and Chubby Smurf. Their violent and smurfless deaths could have easily been avoided if Preoccupied Smurf had not been the one left in charge of sounding the alarm in the event that the O’Malley’s cat got out. This is a mistake that we are all going to have to Smurf with. We need to honor these Smurfs and to ensure that nothing like this will ever happen again by training our TSA Smurfs to inspect your Smurfjunk. We have also started a pre-emptive war with the Jacksons, just in case they have a hidden cat we didn’t know about or were thinking about getting one at some point in the future.

 

– Lastly, Papa Smurf and I are both Smurfing along as we always have. Papa Smurf is still content to govern Smurfville with the guidance of the Flying Spaghetti Smurf. He is still chairman of the Smurfville chamber of Commerce and is looked upon as an inspired leader in the national Blueberry Slurpee Party. I’m now a senior card cataloger at the library. I have also begun volunteering at the local Smurf kitchen, which gives me a chance to keep up with Junkie Smurf. I also still have my knitting, canning and cross-stitching to keep the isolation and lonliness at bay. If any of you Smurfs would like to give an old Smurf a moment of happiness and can manage to spare a moment for the women who Smurfed you out of her Smurf, then a phone call or letter would be Smurftastic. Although I’d probably drop dead of a Smurf attack from the sheer shock of it. Just Smurfing…please call me.

.

 

From now on this blog is going all Smurf, all the Smurfing time!

December 19, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , | 56 Comments

Painful Awkwardity

The Left, Right, Panic- I can’t believe that this one has made it through 5 or 8 (I’m way too high on doctor-shopped Ritalin coffee to go back and count) awkward posts without being mentioned because it happens to me All The Fucking Time. I’ll be walking somewhere, minding my own business and thinking about something as innocuous as opaque labia when I see someone coming towards me. The street could be wider than Whoopi Goldberg’s vagina but this person will continue in a dead aim straight towards me.

Her vagina is probably really narrow, actually.

 

 

I’ll then make my intentions known with my eyes, head, hips, and sometimes even my hands with a freaky speed walker-like gesture, all to let the person know that I’m moving to the left thereby giving them the middle and right by which to pass me without incident. But no. The bastard, who never played a sport in his life, obviously, will also shift left, putting us right back on a collision course.

 

Now, with time and distance quickly diminishing, I’ll use the balls of my feet to gracefully bounce right. Then, they will too, but not nearly as gracefully as I did. At this point I panic and die a little bit inside. Now we have reached awkwardity and are barreling towards catastrophe. “Why couldn’t the stupid old man with the walker have watched my hips, he was supposed to watch my hips?” I ask myself.

 

The vast majority of the time I will make another darting left and that will be the end of it. Sometimes, when the situation is dire enough though, I will duck and hide in a doorway and allow the obtrusive elderly matron to shuffle by. Or sometimes, when I feel that I’ll be able to easily outmaneuver the person due to their cumbersome oxygen tank, I’ll feint left and thrust right in a stunning display of athletic prowess. Or sometimes, I’ll use the old Heisman stiff-arm to push past my enemy.

 

In the worst possible scenario, if all of the above tactics have failed and I’ve waited too long, my forward momentum will carry be just past the tipping point after I’ve tried to stop, and I’ll end up inevitably bumping chests with a stranger. When this happens I will stop whatever I’m doing, turn around, and go straight home to sit on my couch for the rest of the day. 

  

  

One of my childhood buddies

 

  

 

The Follow Through- Perhaps other people don’t feel awkward in this situation. Who’re you calling a psycho?

 

Wait what?

 

 Nevermind.

 

When I make an outlandish direct threat and the threatee still ‘wants some’ I become all conflicted and indecisive. When my daughter was really young and I’d say, “If you don’t stop kicking my seat I’m going to turn this car right around.” Then she’d continue to kick it, usually harder, but I didn’t really want to turn around because we were going somewhere that I wanted to go like the beach or the toy store or the dog track. So I’d pull over and just kind of sit there feeling assholish and trying to bluff but failing. So I’d always end up going ahead anyway and just punishing her by not allowing her to place any bets or talk to the nice ‘lady’ in the funny clothes.

 

Another, even more awkward situation occurred with my friends when I’d say something like, “Dude, if you repeat that phrase one more time I’m going to stick this bong so far up your ass we’re going to be taking ear hits for the next month.” Then the stubborn, contentious fucker would be all, “BAM! 97X, the future of Rock and Rolllll… Bam! 97X, the future of Rock and Rollllll… BAM! 97X, the future ….” staring at me all spitefully and a little autistically the whole time.

 

So I felt like I had to follow through, right? Plus, I had everybody else all looking at me expectantly so I’d knew I had to something. I could rush over and put him in a fake stranglehold, but that would have left us both feeling even more awkward. So instead, I ran into the bathroom, came out with a tub of Vaseline, liberally applied it to the rim of the bong and tried to ‘jokingly’ de-pant him and bend him over the coffee table while he ‘jokingly’ started to freak the fuck out and started making a scary mewling noise while everybody got all quiet and open mouthed. 

 

Of course, everybody pretended to treat me differently after that. Like they were scared of me or something. Like I was some kind of freak. It’s just hard to know how to follow through on a crazy threat.

 

Am I right?

Update: I accidentally liked my own post and I can’t figure out how to unlike it and now I look like a conceited and vain douchebag who likes his own posts. This is awkward. Again.

December 12, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , | 67 Comments

WikiLeaks Cables You May Have Missed

Hillary Clinton’s meeting with Silvio Berlusconi in Italy.

 

Inter-office email Between Clinton and aide, Maria Shlieder.

 

Hey girlfriend,

 

Last night went well, I think. We met in the Prime Minister’s private residence in Northern Milan. We decided to make our meeting a dinner ‘date.’ He complimented my hair and outfit! I was a good girl and stuck to the diet, only eating grilled salmon and steamed vegetables. Maybe just a smidgen of Tiramisu. Thank god, or I’d be bursting out of my pant suit by the end of this trip. Silvio (he insisted!) ate like a god damned horse. That man can put away food like he has a hollow… appendage. Ahem. I must admit that seeing a man so passionate really turns me on. He’s passionate and fiery about food, about wine, about music, about the continued stability of the Euro, about a light rail transportation system, about, well, everything. And it’s kind of hot, honestly.

 

I have to reluctantly admit that Silvio(!) is beginning to win me over with his peasant-like charm. He’s a little rough around the edges, sure. Even after I politely corrected him numerous times, he still continues to refer to BO as ‘the mulatto’ and when he has an economic question he wants to know what the Gesu uccisores, or ‘Jesus killers’ think. Can you imagine if the press ever got hold of this? His hands are also rough, and he rubs my cheek with his stubble when he does that lovely, double Eurokiss thing. I’m starting to behave like a schoolgirl around him, it’s embarrassing. He whispered in my ear (during the Eurokiss) that he would love to get me alone some day and ‘deliver to me an asino punzone.’ He’s so goddamn romantic!

 

Oh yea, and here’s the work stuff…

 

-Italy has agreed to allow another US diplomat to consult/advise Amanda Knox.

-SB hates, actually loathes Sarcozy. He admitted that he’d like to stab him in the neck with a hot soldering iron. Then he laughed and said something about crazy American cinema. But I think he was serious. **We need to be mindful of seating arrangements at future White House events.

-SB is recovering nicely from the ‘Duomo incident’ and has grown quite fond of American pharmaceuticals. *Possible international trade leverage = Oxy Contin?

-SB assures me that his relationship with Putin is no more than ‘appropriately friendly.’- his words. He also assured me that he is not profiting from energy contracts. Although he jokingly admitted that Putin may have strong familial and business relationships in Sicily. I think he meant the Italian Mafia. *Can we use this info to get better olive oil? Or vodka?

 

The official portion of my visit is now over but I’m going to stick around for a few more days. Silvio promises to show me ‘something’ I’ve never seen before in this stunning country, and frankly, I’m up for it.

Don’t wait up!

Hillary.  

 

 

Transcript of a phone call between US President Barrack Obama and Mexican President Felipe Calderon.

 

Obama: Hola amigo, como estas?

Calderon: Let’s do English. I’m not in the mood to suffer your butchery.

Obama: I’m not, I rea…

Calderon: Shut the fuck up and listen to me gringo. I’m angry. Do you want to explain to me why you don’t have Perry and McCain on board yet?

Obama: I, look by next month I promi…

Calderon: Seriously? Next month? What happened to this motherfucking month? Why don’t you just get Cheney to talk to those two ball lickers?

Obama: I think you mean window lickers sir. Um Cheney is being really pissy with me again. He’s like a toddler with….

Calderon: Get Cheney to whack them then.

Obama: Sir I thi…

Calderon: I’ll give you until the end of this month. If our scientists can’t get in, or are disparaged in the media, we’re going to cut you off. No more money. No more USA. How long have our two countries been playing this shell game? 50 years sweetballs. For over 50 years we’ve held your secretly bankrupt government afloat while we pretended to be your poor, destitute neighbor.  For 50 years we’ve watched you spend our billions, playing God to the world and savior to no one. 50 years and billions wasted. And what did we ask in return? That you allow our scientists to come and study your old rich white people to chronicle the effects having an excess of idle time and money.

Obama: But I thought the project was completed?

Calderon: It was, over two years ago. We’ve found that it turns people into douchebagy assholes, scientifically speaking. 

Obama: Well then why are you still sending operatives over here?

Calderon: Because now we’re fascinated with the Tea Party. We’ve never seen stupidity, anger and ignorance so exalted. Other than one weekend that we had the WWE, a monster truck rally and an adults only premier of a Twilight movie on the same weekend in Mexico City. 

Obama: Sir, without your money the US will collapse within two weeks. Please don’t be this way sir.

Calderon: THEN BE NICER TO MY MOTHERFUCKING SCIENTISTS!!!     

Obama: Hey, maybe I can get McCain, Perry and you to come over for a beer summit. That’ll fix this bugaboo.

Calderon: Ok, but if I even see a Bud or a Corona I’m out. I hate that dog puke.

Obama: Sir? Sir? [Dial tone]

December 5, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , | 68 Comments

Facebook Profiles: Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck’s Info

About Me: I don’t have any other info up because why would I? They already know my date of birth, addresses, education, assets, investments, whether I had sex with my dear wife Tania this week, if I’ve eaten too much sugar or, GOD FORBID, SALT. They know which movies I enjoy, THEY EVEN KNOW THE COLOR OF MY COLON, PEOPLE! This is the liberal/Stalinist/Machiavellian/Italian?/Indonesian/Islamic and definitely UN-America culture of Big Brother that Obamamania has imposed with bad bad Leroy Brown (and Brown University is just another breeding ground for liberal elitists who want to know the color of MY COLON!) intentions. Do you see how obvious it is now?

 

 

Glenn Beck’s Wall

Nov 9th Glenn Beck – On sale now- the funniest, wildest, craziest, downright ridiculous outtakes from my nightly show. Oct 5th through Oct 9th Edition. Beck Gone Wild, Too Crazy for Cable!!! Buy now, only $14.99!! These box sets make great collectors items!! Buy now!!!!

Nov 10th Glenn Beck – Coming up on tonight’s show, I’ll prove that the Black Panthers, in collusion with Acorn, are trying to steal your wives and daughters and plan to ‘turn them out’ and make them their personal bitches and ho’s. It all becomes crystal clear when you exam the street lingo they use. Phrases such as “once you go black, you never go back” run much deeper than you’ve ever imagined. YOU’LL BE SHOCKED AND APPALED!!

~ Rush Limbaugh – I’ve been saying this about Ebonics for years now. It’s all a scam. They just want white women and big tires.

~ Larry Craig – Those naughty, naughty, big, black men need to be punished!

~ Eliot Spitzer – Where is all this going on? It should be stopped.

~ Shawn Hannity – @Eliot; yea you’d like that wouldn’t you, you filthy fornicator? You’re destroying this great, great, great nation!

~ Michael Steele – “Bitch better have my money.” “I’ll put my work boot up yo ass!” “I’ma bout to go all Ike up in this bitch, Tina!”

~ Rush Limbaugh – @Michael- Simmer down Steele. Freak. You black freak.

 

Nov 11th Post Apocalyptic Pet Care – Hi Glenn! We were wondering if you’d like to sponsor our service. We feel that our brands have a perfect synergy.

~ Foodinsurance.com likes this.

 ~ Glenn Beck – $200k sign on. $30k per shoot (TV). $20K per taping (radio). $5K per tweet or FB update. 8% of all future revenue share with stock options and you have a deal. It’s standard.

   

 

Nov 11th Glenn Beck – I can not watch 7 Pounds without tearing up. It is the Saddest. Movie. EVER.

~ Will Smith likes this.

 

Nov 13th Glenn Beck – Tonight’s show exposes the murderous Hollywood elite, their drug addled henchmen and the evil influence they’ve bought in Washington. These guys kill for fun and profit. I’m almost positive that they are responsible for the deaths of Charlton Heston, Sony Bono and John Voight. Anyone who dares to speak up against their shadowy control is in their crosshairs and marked for death.

~ John Voight – The Fuck? I’m not dead.

 

Nov 13th Glenn Beck– Don’t forget to visit Post Apocalyptic Pet Care for all of your post apocalyptic pet care needs. Who else is going to walk Fido during the seven year tribulation?

~ Post Apocalyptic Pet Care likes this. 

 

Nov 13th Glenn Beck – Tonight’s show exposes the murderous Hollywood elite, their drug addled henchmen and the evil influence they’ve bought in Washington. These guys kill for fun and profit. I’m almost positive that they are responsible for the deaths of Charlton Heston, Sony Bono and Ronald Reagan’s dog Rex. Anyone who dares to speak up against their shadowy control is in their crosshairs and marked for death.

~ John Voight likes this.

 

~ Shawn Hannity – I fear for you safety Glenn, I really do. God’s speed Sir!

~ Rush Limbaugh – I’ve been saying this stuff for years.

~ Ted Nugent – I hate those fucking fuckers. Ain’t taking my guns.

~ Larry Craig – Those naughty, naughty actors deserve punishment.

~ Chuck Norris – I’ll protect you Becksy. As you know there are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a roundhouse kick to the face. In fact there are none. Oh, also, I’m what Willis was talkin’ bout.

~ Hike Huckabee likes this.

 

Nov 16th Glenn Beck –It really burns my blood that wackos out there on the left are accusing me of being anti-Semitic because I dared to publicly denounce the Nazi devil Soros. He’s anti-Semitic. I’m pro-Semitic. I love Jews. I do, I really love Jews.

~ Alan Greenspan likes this

 

~ Shawn Hannity – It is the liberal Jews in this country who are anti-Semitic. And they are ruining this great, great, great country.

~ Ben Stein – We love you too Glenn!

~ Rush Limbaugh – I’ve been warning you people about Soros for years. Nobody listens El Rushbo anymore.

~ Larry David – Hey Glenn, are you my Israelite? Are you my Israelite? You are a fucking asshole Beck, you really are. Oh wait, I have a message from Susie. She says, “Fuuuuuckkkk Yoouuuuu!” Don’t feel bad though, that’s kind of her shtick.

~Glenn Beck – @Larry- you aren’t a real Jew who loves God and loves America. You’re an evil Hollywood Jew.

~Woody Allen – Beck, Lucifer just called and wants to know what time to expect you?

~ Shawn Hannity – @Woody- People like you (East Coast liberals, not Jewish people. I love Jewish people) are destroying this great, great, great country.

~ Jon Stewart – And fuck your mother’s mother. Now, go get your shine box!

~ Glenn Beck – Leave me alone Jon. You said you would in your rally thing.

 

Nov 17th Glenn Beck – On tonight’s show we’ll examine what the federal government, OPEC, a Saudi Prince, the liberal media, Queen Elizabeth II, and standardized testing in public schools have to do with MY COLON.   

~ Shawn Hannity likes this.

 

~ Rush Limbaugh – I’ve been talking about my colon for years now.

~ Larry Craig – They are so naughty. YOU are so naughty Becksy!

~ Michael Steele – “I’ll be put my foot up your colon Beck” –That was my street voice.

~ Ben Stein – The queen is an evil, imperial evolutionist.

~ Chuck Norris – I once cleaned a man’s colon. By kicking him in the face.

~ Shawn Hannity – @Chuck, LMBO! Wait, that didn’t even make sense.

~ Susie Essman ‘Green’ – “Fuuuuuckkkk Yoouuuuu Beck!”

November 28, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , | 56 Comments

The Love God; How to Date People That (Real) God Decided Were Too Good For You

How many of you know people who are so repulsively hideous that they’ve almost turned the corner and become cool looking; like amazing graphics in an atrocious movie kind of way? And aren’t they always, heartbreakingly, in love with people who, unlike them, were blessed with fairly symmetrical faces? Well, send your Quasimodo-ish friends over here because this LG post is for them!  

 

What? You didn’t think I’d use Rosie/Mohammed again did you?

  

Sometimes these creatures end up climbing a bell tower in Texas, or trying in vain to shift economic policy away from Reaganomics by taking a few shots at the Gipper in a half hearted attempt to impress a girl who will later be gang raped on a pinball machine. Sad, sad stuff. Sometimes however, they actually land the girl. Rarer still, they sometimes, amazingly, get the girl without date rape drugs or stun guns.

 

So how are these beasts able to land the beauties? From what I’ve been able to deduce there are two basic ways for the aesthetically challenged have a shot at romance outside the pocket vagina arena or animal kingdom. The first tends to involve money or outside factors of success.

 

– Drop out of a prestigious school and either invent some software type of shit or some social networky type of shit and become an overnight billionaire.

 

– Using nothing but your huge balls, somewhat functional brain, street smarts, ruthless ambition and awful background noise/music, murder your way up the coca leaf ladder to the title of drug kingpin. First you’ll acquire money, then power, and only then will you get the girl. *Important Note: do not attempt to circumvent this time tested technique. Always Money> Power> Girl.

 

– Get her to agree to make a porno with you. You’ll have an impossibly romantic moment during either the anal pounding or the money shot scene in which she’ll fall in love with you.

 

– Sign with Eminem. You ‘should’ get plenty of groupie love.

 

– Have plenty of interesting life experiences which then perfectly coincide with opportunistic questions on a nationally syndicated game show and become a slumdog millionaire.  *Important Note: this will require a lifetime of extraneous planning.

 

– Learn to play the drums. *Important Note; you must also be endowed with a horse-cock.

 

– Learn to popularize a new genre of rock-rap. Love Detroit. And midgets. Especially love Detroit based midgets. Be willing to settle for slopping 322nds.

 

See, he’s hot because he looks like a meth dealer. Or user.

 

The problem with the first method is obvious; you have to first become ‘fuck-you rich.’ There is, however, another method you can adopt which will incorporate the ‘fuck you’ without the need of all that unnecessary ‘rich.’ The second and most common way in which nasty people with problem features are able to have years of nauseous sex with normal or even beautiful people is to…

 

Hypnotise them with hatred.

Blind them with belligerence.

Arouse them with animosity.

Are you enjoying these? I have dozens! No? Shit, sorry.

 

Anyway, the single best option for playing above your skill level is to simply act disinterested in your love interest. This can not be a passive aggressive disinterest, that will only make you look like an opaque vagina. And as cool as an opaque vagina looks, it’s not the look that you’re going for with this. No, you need to show aggressive disinterest, like so…

 

– When she talks about her weekend, roll your misaligned eyes violently in your ill-shapen skull and loudly inform her that nobody cares.

 

– When she asks about your weekend say something like, “Well I wasn’t taking cocks up the ass three deep like some people I could mention, Mrs. Whorey McSlutterson.”

 

It is important to learn that if you can successfully shake their confidence, they will falsely come to believe that you are worthy of them. Remember that tears are your friend in this honorable endeavor. Try these easy to learn techniques for all of your confidence destroying needs.

 

– Casually mention that you saw her featured on peopleofwalmart.com and asked if she was there picking up ‘that’ outfit. Or getting the finishing touches on her dental work. Or if she just went to get ‘that’ hairstyle.

 

Just like Sears Photography only more juicy. And florescent.

 

 – As often as possible, ask her if she’s on some kind of steroid for something, maybe a fungal infection(?) as she really seems to have bulked up. Alternatively you can ask when she’s due and if she’s expecting twins. 

 

– Remind her often that just because she ‘can’ wear something that it doesn’t necessarily mean that she ‘should’ wear it.

 

– Ask her if those horizontal stripes are ‘really the best idea?’

 

– Look truly concerned and ask if her face was involved in a horrific weed whacker mishap this morning. Follow with a flirty ‘jus kidding.’

 

– Tell her that Snooki just called and she said she wants both her spray tan and stoutly torso back or she’s going to come and re-break her already bruised and injured looking legs.

 

If John Boehner and The Great Pumpkin had a lovechild. And then hated it.

  

– Joke that if she gave you oral you could tell everyone that you guys finally ‘bumped uglies.’

 

After a month long, intensive application of this technique gently inform her that she is welcome to join you in the cafeteria of the local hospital for some tea after work, and that this location will help her to avoid awkward stares and too many questions about her appearance from strangers.

You should be golden, seriously golden! After you get the girl I expect you to send me some guns or money. Or maybe lawyers, depending.

November 14, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | 95 Comments

Song Letters: The Sheriff to Jon Bon Jovi

Dear Mr. Jovi,

I don’t normally offer this kind of courtesy to Burlington County fugitives with outstanding warrants but I happened to catch your little song on the patrol car radio the other day. It’s lucky too, I don’t normally go for the rock and roll, more of a country man, myself, but I happened to have my niece in the car and she just loves the classic rock. Anyway in listening, I realized that you had quite a few misconceptions and fears that I felt I should help clear up and alleviate. I’m wondering if we can’t just get this whole thing sorted out with a minimum of hassle for you or paperwork for me.

 

What had originally kicked me in the butt about writing you was the whole ‘dead or alive’ thing. We don’t do that anymore. Haven’t since the mid 1800’s, far as I know. I just pulled your warrants up on my screen here; ok…. It seems you do have three outstanding. One is a DUI, the second is a failure to appear on the DUI charge and the third is a misdemeanor possession of prescription medication that was not prescribed to you. Ahh, you’re lucky there son that it was only Viagra, which kept it as a misdemeanor. If you would have had Adderal and Percocet like your little guitar buddy Sambora got hit with, you would have been facing a Felony Three. No, the most serious charge here is the failure to appear which prompted the bench warrant to begin with.

By the way; would you say that this here photograph is still an accurate portrayal of your appearance? My God son, you best stay the hell out of prison.

 

 All you’ll have to do is turn yourself into the Burlington County Jail as soon as you can. We’ll have to process you and set a new court date, is all. Just give me a holler ahead of time and I’ll make sure we speed you through the system. We wouldn’t want that cutesy little ass of yours getting molested would we? I’m just kidding you, this isn’t Kentucky. Although it is New Jersey so we’ll have to get your ass out of there ASAP.

 

By the way, about your song; I’m assuming when you were referring to your ‘steel horse you rode’ you were singing about a motorcycle…? That sir does not make you a cowboy. I told you I prefer country music and I can tell you that you wouldn’t last 5 minutes on a ranch with real cowboys. That Tim McGraw is a real cowboy. Come to think of it you wouldn’t last 5 minutes in a New Jersey correctional facility either so I strongly suggest that you take care of these matters and learn to stay on the straight and narrow from now on. Which means no more telling the day of the week based on which bottle of spirits you’re drinking and certainly no driving all night after such endeavors.

 

If you’d like to continue walking these Burlington County New Jersey streets with a loaded six string on your back and playing for keeps and rocking faces (does that mean oral sex? Nevermind, it’s probably best I don’t know) then just give me a call, turn yourself in, go to court, pay the fine and stay the hell off of my streets when you’ve been drinking.

 

 

Kind regards,

Jerry Stacks

Burlington County Sherriff’s Department.

November 7, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | 81 Comments

Not on my Beach by Caitlin Davis


 We have owned our summer house here on Hilton Head Island longer than almost anybody else. My gramps even lived here when he was a young man. But lately the island has been attracting people that dad calls ‘undesirable.’ So when I found out that Megan O’Malley was going to build a gigantic sandcastle on the beach that is in between my dad’s house, which he has owned for years, and the house that the O’Malley’s rent off of the Piper’s (dad says that those Irish people really stick together) for a month every summer, I knew I had to do everything in my power to stop it. See this isn’t really about a sandcastle; it’s about the Irish trying to take over our beach.   
 
 

 

An artistic rendition of the O’Malley’s Sandcastle.

 
Let me tell you about an incident that happened while they were here two years ago so you know what kind of people we’re dealing with. The O’Malley’s had some friends and family over for a 4th of July party two years ago. I don’t know why. They’re not even Americans, they’re Irish. From Ireland, Irish! Mom told me not to hate them because they’re Irish and that the Irish have some good qualities too, but these people are just too weird. They live in Dublin so I think that they all must be goat herders or dog farmers or something. I know that they all go to these bars everyday and get drunk and make up mafias and throw up and get in all kinds of trouble. They used to bomb the civilized people in England and they kill dogs to eat and everything because they hate God. As soon as they move over here they set up their own bars and they only hang out with their own kind and they love to cause trouble. Dad says they refuse to integrate. There’s a Mulligan’s Irish Pub right up the road and dad always has to go there to keep an eye on them. Although I think that the Irish also hang out at a place called Cahoots because dad says they’re always in there.
 
 
Ooh sorry, I got off track because I am so enraged. I was talking about the party and the incident that happened last year. All the Irish parents were listening to U2, eating their potatoes and getting drunk on beer, whiskey, and violence, like they always do, and allowing their children to just run wild. And amok. Even my mom said so. Megan’s cousins, who were younger than me (7 or 8, I think) ran up on our part of the beach while we were having dinner at The Club and they completely destroyed the sandcastle that I had been working on all day. I could tell it was them because I could see the footprints from their cheap, European shoes. I don’t know if the dorky terrorists were drunk on the beer and whiskey or if they were just playing IRA Bowling Bombers (dad said they’re all in league with the terrorists so I guess they bowl or something) but when we got back there was nothing left but piles of sand and my Malibu Barbie, who had failed miserably in her duty as a sentry. I was mortified and terrorized as you can imagine I would be. My dad was so mad he went right over there and didn’t get back until long after we all went to bed. Mom was mad all night too. Dad said that he gave everybody at that party a good talking to but I suspect he also got in a fight because when we all got up the next morning his eyes were all red and puffy looking and he kept taking Tylenol.
 
So you can imagine how mad and enraged I was yesterday, when we got home from the mall and I found Megan and her little Irish friend Delaney getting up to all sorts of trouble practically right outside of our house. They were in between the houses and down a few feet where the beach gets really sandy. They had grown-up shovels (which I don’t think they were allowed to play with anyway) and buckets and all kinds of stuff that I didn’t even know about. I’ll bet it was all bad stuff. I was so enraged that I ran outside and told them to stop it “right this minute” but they wouldn’t listen. I told them that I was going to tell on them for building a sandcastle where they weren’t allowed to and for using grown-up shovels. They said that they were allowed to use those shovels but how could I believe them? They always lie anyway. Even if they really were allowed, I’ll bet they got permission from the IRA and some terrorist pulled strings with the beach zoning people. All you have to do is follow the potato trail. I’ll bet that if they do build the sandcastle, Megan’s cousins will come over all the time and they’ll be smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey and vomiting and planning to destroy our beach and doing lots of other bad stuff.     

The O’Malleys. I said that with scorn. Like how Jerry Seinfeld says “Newman.” So that’s how you should read it. Ok?

 
When dad got home I told him about what was going on and how he had to stop it. Dad messed up at first and made my mom and I and even my sister enraged because he said that they should be allowed to build the sandcastle there because it wasn’t technically on our land, that it was on a public beach. So we all started being really mean to him and mom told him that if he didn’t take our side then “things were going to get ugly come November.” I don’t know what November had to do with anything but it seemed to work. After that he quickly changed his tune. We think he did anyhow. We actually don’t know what he thinks about it anymore because every time we try to talk to him he goes out to keep an eye on the dirty Irishmen. I think they’re in Cahoots most of the time because we always call Mulligan’s and dad is never there.  
 
No matter what happens though I’m not going to back down. I am a Davis and I am an American and those people don’t even belong here. All they do is mess everything up. This sandcastle is a slap in the face after what they have done to me and my family and casual dining too. I don’t care if it was their little cousins or not. You know the way those people stick together.

Update:

Wow, I made up Caitlin Davis out of thin air. She was supposed to be an eleven year old, stuck up WASPY, racist suburbanite. It wasn’t until I got a few ‘cheerleading’ comments that I couldn’t figure out, that I googled the name and found out that not only is she real but she’s a 20 something year old, WASPY, racist bitch in real life. These things can only happen to me.

October 25, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | 70 Comments

Facebook Profiles; Christine O’Donnell

Christine O’Donnell Info

Sex: Saving it till marriage! And then it will only be missionary.

Birth Date: 8/27/1969

Interested In: Everything but witchcraft.

Looking For: Votes

Political Views: Conservative Christian

Religious Views: Evangelical Christian. Definitely not Wiccan.

Christine O’Donnell’s Wall

Oct 11th  Christine O’Donnell – Don’t forget to vote on November 2nd for me! Obviously, right? I know! This country totally rocks!!

~  Sarah Palin likes this

 

Oct 11th Christine O’Donnell – this is going to be HUGE people! Tea Party 4-eva!!!

Keith Olbermann– You’re the Worst Person in the World. You’re a witch. Teehee!

~ Christine O’Donnell – You’re so funny Keith. Where did come up with that, sitting in the back of your liberal limo? I’m not a witch by the way, I’m really not. At all.

~ Bill Maher– Yes, yes you are. I have it on video. All of your reprehensible Christian friends know that you can’t just ‘dabble’ in the occult. You’ve opened yourself up to demonic forces Christine. You and all your fundamentalist friends are all freakier than Lady Gaga’s vagina.

~ Pat Robertson– Bill’s actually right about this one Chrisy. Why don’t you give me a call later and we’ll pray to Jesus! Have you joined the 700 Club yet? Only 700 bucks and I’ll bet Jesus forgives you and vanquishes the demons.

~ Jesus Christ– Dood. Leave me out of this. I told you, I don’t hate anyone but I certainly don’t like you people. I defriended your 700 year old ass a long time ago.

~ Lady Gaga – @Bill- you crack me up, ROTFLMVO!! 

 

Oct 11th Christine O’Donnell – Wrote on God’s wall.

Oct 11th Christine O’Donnell – Wrote on Jesus Christ’s wall.

Oct 11th Jesus Christ – No, I won’t endorse you. I freaking hate politics. The whole thing is so freaking boring. And I don’t care if you are a witch or not. And please stop bothering dad, he’s getting pissed. 

~ The Buddha likes this.

 

Oct 12th Sarah Palin – Dontcha worry about that incarnite devil Bill Maher. He’s just a bully using his pulpit to breed liberals. Hill get his just desert in hell! Let us together refudiate him!

~ Christine O’Donnell Likes this.

~ Bill Maher– Hey Sarah, I’ll stop this if you make me an offer you can’t pronounce. You two should do a celebrity Jeopardy. It’ll be fun watching Trebeck’s head explode like a Halloween pumpkin stuffed with dynamite.   

~ Christine O’Donnell– @Sarah- Thanks babes. Big hugs!! @Bill- You are so not worth my time. You’re just rebellious against God because you are a tiny, little man with a ginormous head.

~ Sharron Angle – Hey Chrisy, we should get together later and discuss the ‘uttingpay ethay exhay onway ethay exicansmay’ thing. I totally feel you on the first amemdmant thing too. I mean WHAT the heck IS IT? Makes about as much sense as these Asian/Mexican/I-don’t-know-what-kind-they-are-children. We have to take our country back! Give me a ring, we’ll do lunch!  

 

 Oct 12th  Christine O’Donnell– You people who keep slandering me and showing video clips out of context are lucky I’m not a witch (I’m not) or I’d invoke the name of Anamalech during the Esbat and turn your bulbous noses into infested Azaleas with Botrytis petal blight, you lay Cowan bastards! But I’m not. So I wouldn’t know how to do such a thing.

~ Cher, Susan Sarandon and Michele Pfeiffer like this.

~ Lady Gaga– Oh my God that was fucking cool!

 

Oct 13th Brett Favre– Hey sweetcheeks, did you get my last 3 texts? Why aren’t you getting back to me?    

Oct 13th Pat Robertson– You know Chrisy even if you were a witch (and you’re not of course) Jesus would forgive you as long as you hated the gays and hated the taxes. God hates homos and taxes worse than he hates witches.

~ Christine O’Donnell– I’m not a witch. How many times do I have to tell you people?

~ Jesus Christ– @Pat- God doesn’t hate anybody you douchcoaster. How many times do I have to tell you to keep my name out your mouth? I swear to freaking God (sorry dad) that I’m about to get a restraining order.

 

Oct 14th Christine O’Donnell Likes Boycott the Occult, Boycott Harry Potter.

~ JK Rowling– Fuck you. Bitch.

~ Christine O’Donnell– OH GOD DAMNIT I’M NOT A WITC…. oh, yea, ok, nevermind.       

October 20, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | 66 Comments

Song Letters: Mrs. Jackson

Yo Andre,

 

You can go ahead on with your weak ass apology. You is about as real as an Acorn voter registration card. And if you didn’t want to make Lakesha cry then you shouldn’t have pissed on her and tol her it was R Kelly, “Makin it rain.” You damn sure shouldn’t have been bustin nutz in every chicken head from here to Frisco Bay either, motherfucker.      

 

There wouldn’t have even been no baby mama drama if you done just married her, like I tol you to. We all know it’s your house Dre. You made that shit abundantly clear when you was frontin on MTV Cribs. If you was a real man you would’ve been humiliated, showing off your indoor badminton court and Buddhist meditation room-slash-hot tub-slash-‘smoking lounge’ while you didn’t even have no lectricity or cable cause you disconnected them bitches. God forbid Kesha and your own flesh and blood baby should get to enjoy some godamn utilities. Those white folks with the cameras was laughing at you Dre. Who has a 174 inch widescreen flat projection laser holographic 3D TV with Audio Penetration Technology and don’t have no lectricity to turn it on? Andre motherfucking 3000, that’s who! You a Big Boi now! Get it?

 

It’s really sweet of you to mention how you pay for private school, daycare, and medical bills; you’s a real class act Dre. Your charity towards your own blood is awe astounding; it’s almost enough to make you forget that you HAVE to pay for that shit, it’s called child support and it been ordered by Family Division. Besides even if it weren’t court ordered you’d think you’d pay without having to brag about it. IT’S WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO. Shit, ain’t you seen that Chris Rock HBO special? Oh, I forgot your cheap ass don’t even have cable. Or lectric.

 

Of course we weren’t going to invite you to our fish fries or birthday parties. You must be out your damn mind. Even when you was still kickin it with Kesha we hated inviting you to our barbecues. All you ever done was get dizzy off Old English and smoke like the roof was on fire. And you could never handle your dope, man. You always used to turn off our jams and pull out that cordless mic you carry around everywhere. Sure you can spit with some speed but you don’t make no godamn sense Dre. Nobody knows what the hell you’s on about half the time. Then, after the ‘free show’ you always end up getting preachy about the socio-economic state of the black community and the transcendental powers of metaphor usage to increase awareness in hip hop culture. You end up sounding like a mix tape of Jeremiah Write, Jesse Jackson and Deepak Chopra but looking like a mix between Orville Redenbacher and Steve Urkel, with a bad fro and a retro fashion pedigree.

                   

 

It’s nice to know that you’ll be ‘present on the first day of school and graduation.’ That’s a sweeping, comprehensive commitment on your part, really! The United Negro Fathers’ League called and they want to give you the Golden Condom Award for Most Dedicated Father of the Year. Are you sure you can make 2 events spread out over 15 years of your child’s life? I wouldn’t want you to over-commit and wear yourself too thin or anything.

Andre 3000

 I understand you have some legit beef too. Yea, her home-girls are a little bit nosy. But you gots to deal with that shit; it come with the territory. If you didn’t want your baby mama to have any friends then you should have laid down with a white woman. And I’m sure you did, you always fancied yourself a playa, didn’t you Dre?

 

Wait, what did you just say about “your dick all in her mouth?” I missed that one you mumbling, stuttering pimp-wanna-be-motherfucker. You talking about my blood you know? Oh shit, you don pissed me tha fuck off now!

 

 

Look, you skinny, anorexic looking rat, you lucky as lotto that I’m an educated, Jesus lovin, respectable black woman or I’d merk your godamn ass myself for makin my daughter cry like you did. I used to run with Bone Thugs back in the day an a sista still got a connect, you feel me? You know how many of Kesha’s cousins (and she got a lot of cousins) wants to run all up in your punk ass? Watch your back Dre.

 

Apology NOT accepted bitch.

October 12, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | 71 Comments