Zodi’s Blog

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James Patterson info

 

Sex: Male

Birth date: 3-22-47

Current City: The Beach House Florida

Relationship Status: Married

Looking for: Ambitious author with a strong desire to make some extra $$. You must be a creative self-starter, and be willing to take your pride out behind the woodshed and shoot it in the back of the head with a big, black gun of some make or model. –I’ll need whoever I next employ to correct that last sentence please.

Activities: Coming up with book ideas and getting other people to write them, sleeping, checking my bank account, getting my name out there, emotionally and financially raping up and coming authors and frowning for the camera.

Interests: Becoming the best known author…or writer…huh(?) for the least memorable work. No, I’m serious. This pays the bills in a big way.

TV Shows: All of my books will be TV shows soon.

Books: I don’t read, but I do write (outlines). 

Quotes: “Show me the Money” –some scientologist.

About Me: I’ve revolutionized the book business. (Now picture in your head Alex Cross pointing at you and saying) “If you don’t like it you can kiss my black ass.” –see why I don’t write my own shit? I got all muddled up there. Hang on let me call Andrew Gross…. Ok, all I want to be is the most thrillingest writer to have ever lived.  

James Paterson’s Wall

 

April 3rd James Patterson– Hiya fans, come check out my award winning website James Patterson.com. USA Today called it the best new interactive website by an author this year! 

 Michael Ledwidge and Maxine Paetro Like This.         

James Patterson Joined the group 1000 monkeys with a 1000 typewriters.

James Patterson wrote on Russell Crowe’s wall.

James Patterson wrote on Gerald Butler’s wall.

~Gerald Butler – No.

James Patterson joined the group, If 100,000 people join this group I’ll bet we can get Gerald Butler to play Michael Bennett.

~Michael Ledwidge Likes This.

April 4th J.K. Rowling – What the fuck is this I hear? Now ‘you’ are writing about Wizards? You and your team of fucking day-laborers are writing about wizards? What is it with you? Are you mentally ill? OCD? You have some type of nefarious scheme to dumb down the entire world? What the fuck is it?

Stephen King Likes This

~James Patterson – There is no need to be rude. I just don’t believe that there are enough good books for young adults. If you give a kid something hard like Crime and Punishment or a Kathleen Neville book they’ll get turned off of reading. I’m just dong what I can to help.

~J.K. Rowling – Oh yea, you’re helping, you big headed idiot.  

James Patterson became a fan of The Women’s Murder Club.

James Patterson became a fan of Alex Cross.

April 5th James Patterson – Can you guys believe that Micheal Bennett has 13 adopted, minority kids? It really makes him lovable doesn’t it?

Michelle Duggar Likes This.

April 5th James Patterson – Hiya fans. I’m now accepting applications for writers. I have to fill 3 positions this week. Must have a high school diploma, and a good feel for the ‘grit’ on the ‘street.’ Did I say that right?

~ Dan Brown – I’m willing to offer commissioned assistance with adjectives on a consultant basis for the present time.

~Stephen King – Ugh. You are both just…awful. Really.

~ James Patterson – Shut up King or I’ll hire Koontz to come over and kick your ass.

~ Dan Brown – See JP, I would change that sentence to, “Quiet yourself Stephen or I’ll contract Koontz for extradition to wallop you.

~ James Patterson – Wowee Dan!

James Patterson became a fan of Maximum Ride.

April 7th James Patterson – Hiya fans. Out this week in hardback; Cross-Examine, Triple-Crossed, Maximum Ride 7: Barely Legal, Maximum Ride 8: Rode Hard and Put Away Wet, and 12 Dead is One Dozen. Out this week in paperback; Cross-Stitch, A Hard Right Cross, 10 Murdered Prostitutes and 11 Pipers Piping.

James Patterson Joined the group Pimpin Ain’t Easy.

April 9th James Patterson – Stephen King just called me the Wal-Mart of Literalism!

~ Stephen King – No, I called you the Wal-Mart of Literature and it wasn’t meant to be a compliment.

~ Dan Brown – @King – Nobody anguishes over your conjecture King. We are the ones making the fat stacks, so suck it you burgeoning bully!

~ Stephen King – Dan, do you know what burgeoning means? Why don’t you go ahead and use it in another sentence. I love reading your unedited, exquisite prose.

Dan Brown – Okay smarty pants….ok, Overhanging her precarious body, Robert Langdon saw a burgeoning face with jaundiced, yellowish skin and gray, dirty-snowy, whitish colored hair and gasped.

~ Stephen King – Holy shit Dan. Please don’t ever, ever stop.

~ James Patterson – Wow that was really great Dan!

April 10th James Patterson – Putting a call out to authors interested in writing between 30 and 70 (depending on sales) books about adolescent vampires. It’s a great way to get your name out there!

~ Stephenie Meyer – I’m calling my lawyer.

April 13th James Patterson – Hiya fans, come over and visit my website to vote for your favorite 100 James Patterson books of all time!

~ Dan Brown – Hey, maybe we should form a collaboration together? I’ll bet your readers would love to know that there is an Egyptian Obelisk right here in the USA, and other fantastic mystical questions abounding.

~ Stephen King – Oh my fucking God…..

April 18, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , | 51 Comments

My Dad the Dick

I had been searching for a quick post to throw up when thankfully my friend Mrs D/3 Men and a Lady, wrote a terrific post today reminding me of a long suppressed forgotten ‘ghost story’ of my own…     

See, my dad was sometimes a dick, to put it mildly. He was a heavy drinker, with a penchant for terrorizing his son practical jokes.     

    

I was at the tender age of 13 when he recommended King’s Pet Semetery. I was already an avid reader (I had already read The Talisman and loved it), plus I loved animals…so why not? He’d call me just to ask where I was in the book which I found pretty odd since he rarely called me before.     

During the time I was reading the book, he and his new girlfriend stopped over my mom’s house unexpectedly to tell me, with tears in their eyes…that his cat had been hit by a car. His cat (which was black) had apparently made it home in terrible shape and died an hour later. They had buried it in the backyard. I was upset.     

Two or three weeks after I’d told him that I’d finished the book he invited me to spend the night at his house. I always loved that because they would let me drink two beers with them. His girlfriend was only 19 BTW. He was not always a stellar dad…     

After the two beers did their magic on my underage bladder I had to use the bathroom, which was in the basement. He told me that the all the lights down there were out and to take a flashlight with me. I didn’t like this since the basement was already windowless, dank, cobwebby and spooky as hell to begin with.     

I made my way down the wooden, creaky stairs slowly and saw that the door to the bathroom was closed. When I opened the door I saw to my horror that the tiled walls and floor were covered in blood. Then there was the cat….the dead fucking cat….covered in blood, practically leaping at me to get out of the room he was locked in. I didn’t really comprehend that the cat was rushing towards me to escape the bathroom of course; I thought he was going to try to eat my brain.     

That's a dead cat

I froze in shock and panic for what seemed hours but was probably 10 seconds as the bloody, dead, brain eating cat shot out between my quivering legs and took off like a dead, bloody, brain eating cat out of hell. First I screamed. Then I ran.     

My dad’s house was almost exactly one mile from my mom’s house. At that age I was running a mile in the low six minute range. That night I probably ran the world’s first three-minute mile, followed immediately by excessive vomiting.     

My dad did eventually apologize and told me it was all fake blood, and a set up. The cat was fine of course. But it did take me a little while to forgive him. And I started bringing a friend or two when I was going to spend the night. While I do forgive him and know that he was a ‘fun guy’ if a little misguided, I also do very much remember that he could be a real dick. So much in fact, that this may be the first of a long running series with this title. Not that I’m resentful or anything….

February 26, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | 56 Comments