It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m so excited that I could just pee on a prostitute. I mean, if she wanted me to. I wouldn’t necessarily like it, I’d just do it to be accommodating because I’m in a good mood. Sorry I haven’t been around as much as usual but it’s been for totally altruistic purposes. So I can get rich. Seriously? Things have come up and we might return to the states even sooner than expected. So I’m frantically trying to get as much of my book written as possible. Although I won’t be done before we leave, I’ll be close. This is the first book that I haven’t blown off after that 10 to 20 thousand word mark when past ideas have fizzled out like a damp crack rock. This one’s got legs, baby!
I promise to be more attentive to your wants and needs again soon. I’m seriously considering starting a meth habit so I can increase my working hours from 3 a day to 22. I still have to weigh the pros and cons.
This week’s post is admittedly weak, but in an effort to reward you with slight amusement for sticking with me through this slight lull, I give you this year’s resolutions…..
Stop knocking on my neighbor’s door and borrowing cups of ecstasy.
Throw someone under the bus while I’m on the chopping block. Ooohh, and definitely backdoor someone, hard.
Murder someone for wearing Crocs.
Find out what the IT in “it is what it is” is and murder IT.
Stop being so murdery.
Spend less time on the internet and more time on the web.
Figure out the ending of Lost. I think it had something to do with Cobb’s dream but I can’t be sure.
Figure out the ending of Inception. I think it had something to do with John Locke’s false teeth.
Fix this damn boat and find Colonel Kurtz.
Kick Glenn Beck in his vagina.
Punch Rosie O’Donnell in her testicles.
Fist-pump Snooki in her hemorrhoids.
Stop being so gross.
Find a ninja and get him to bite me. (I’m not sure how that works, honestly.)
Break Bad. Or, I should say, break even badder.
Rescue, foster and re-home more zombies than last year.
Teach young women not to get tattoos, not to go around kicking hornet’s nests and not to play with fire. The basics.
Write a best selling trilogy and NOT die before it blows the fuck up.
Get published at least once on both McSweeny’s and The Huffington Post.
Buy eggs at 7 cents a piece and sell them for 5 cents a piece and make a profit.
Clean up the Gulf seabed using only Tony Heywood’s liver and a bottle of turpentine.
Single handedly be the reason that the national vocabulary definition of ‘product’ goes from hair gel back to blow.
Just kidding about Snooki, I’d totally hit that.
I’ll be back at my regularly scheduled day and time next Sunday as well as checking in on everybody, I promise. Happy New Year!!
Rush Limbaugh to Glenn Beck- Dude, you’re taking this thing way too far and you’re starting to piss me off by stealing my audience and advertising. It’s always been my gig to make white people angry and frightened and then sell them gold to be used during the Armageddon era. Get your own shtick you douche.
Oh and hey one quick question; how are you after that ass surgery you had a while back? Probably all better yea? I was wondering what kind of pain meds they gave you? Because my ear has been bothering me and lately my conscious and soul have both been hurting like a bitch.
Let me know if you have any extra (Percs, Vics, OCs, Demerol, ect..whatever) you can spare. I’ll gladly pay you whatever you think is fair, really.
Let me know ;-P
God to all the people from Noah’s generation- I call a mulligan.
JFK to Lee Harvey Oswald– I call bullshit.
Gulf of Mexico Marine Life to British Petroleum Co.- Hey BP, we got your crude right here (grabbing fish balls). Hope you got your dead demon fish, assholes.
Reality to Lindsey Lohan- What we have here…. is a failure to communicate.
Caps lock to the general public- – WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE SO AFRAID OF ME? I AM NOT ANGRY. I AM NOT AGGRESSIVE. I’M NOT EVEN PARTICUALLARLY EXCITED. IT’S MY JOB TO TAKE NORMAL LETTERS AND JUST MAKE THEM BIG. YOU PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK I’M GOING TO COME TO YOUR HOME AND KILL YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY WITH POWER TOOLS AND FARM MASHINERY. PLEASE DON’T BE AFRAID OF ME. I’M A RELAXED AND HAPPY ENTITY WHO HAPPENS TO LOVE SUNSETS, LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH AND AFTERNOON NAPS.
I’M JUST SO TIRED OF BEING MISUNDERSTOOD! I’M REALLY MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDLY!
Lakers to Celtics– No, no we’re just busting your balls. NOW GO GET YOUR FUCKING SHINEBOX!
Caps Lock to Lakers– COME ON. WAS IT REALLY NESSESARY TO INVOLVE ME? JESUS.
Heroin to Pete Doherty– Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi whatcha doin? whatcha doin? whatcha doin? whatcha doin? Wanna get high? How about now? How about now? How about now? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete…….
Amy Winehouse to Crack– OhmyGodyoumakemesohotIwantyouinsidemerightnow!
Glenn Beck to Sanity– “It puts the lotion on it’s skin. It puts the lotion on it’s skin or else IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!”
Caps Lock to Glenn Beck– OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.
Slugs to Salt– Just stay away from us. We don’t want no trouble, you hear?
Priest, Rabbi, Horse, Irishman, Pole, Black, Mexican and Bar to Comedian– You owe us some major royalties. Please cease and desist any and all references to us until payment has been rendered or you will be hearing from our attorney.
P.S.- Attorney is also an original claimant.
Stieg Larsson to Death– This is so not cool. Seriously Death; you are a total prick.
James Gandolfini to Tony Soprano– I really, really miss you. You…. Complete me.
Sarah Palin to Russia– I’ve got my eye on you Russia. Grrrrhhh!
Dog to Flashlight Beam– Oh my God, what the hell are you? I want to catch you and shake you and kill you so badly but I can’t ever get a hold of you. Oh my God what the hell is going on, how the hell are you even doing this?
O.J. to Nicole Brown Simpson– Hey where are you headed off to? Ha! Get it? Because… you know… I love that joke!
Rosie O’Donnell to Time– Well played Time. Well played indeed.
Classmates.com to Facebook– You totally ruined our business model. Now we are going to kill ourselves. We thought you should know that it’s entirely your fault.
Joe Biden to his muzzle– Mmmmph. Errgghhhphhhmmmghh.
John Daly to Michael Jordon– I’ll bet you 50k that Tiger gets caught again.
MJ to John Daly– Make it an even 100.
Pete Rose to MJ and Daly– Can I get in on this action?
Tito Ortiz to Jenna Jamison– If you accuse me of domestic violence even one more time, I’ll slap the two penises right out of your mouth.
Richard Simmons to Subway Jared– Do you want to sweat on some oldies?
Subway Jared to Richard Simmons– Yes.
John Travolta to Double Cheeseburger– Oh shit, you made me shoot dignity in the face.
Tom Cruise to L. Ron Hubbard– Dude! You’re right, this was the Best. Practical. Joke. EVER!