Zodi’s Blog

The New Reality #2

More of the best new reality TV ideas!

 If you missed #1, I strongly urge you to go back and read The new reality #1 I need strong moral and financial support in my brave fight to put quality programming on the air! I have a network executive tied up in my basement but so far negotiations are at a standstill. So I need your help people! I have come up with a few more charming ideas to push the envelope of reality!

 

~An Honest Education or Home School Hell?

This would be a Jeopardy-style game show for those lucky seniors about to graduate from that esteemed classroom at Mom’s kitchen table. Our young scholars will answer such questions as;

─What kind of dinosaurs did Adam and Eve have as pets?

─Is the NRA one of the three branches of government, Yes or No?

─What is the square root of 25?

─ If you have 20 people, 12 are catholic, 10 are liberals, 5 are gay, and 15 saw “The Da Vinci Code” how many are going to hell?

In the event of a tie, we would have them point out the various places that the ‘evil-doers’ live on a map, with the ‘axis of evil’ countries being worth double. 

Unfortunately, the ‘losers’ parents will face criminal prosecution by the United Negro College Fund, because a mind IS a terrible thing to waste!

The lucky winner will get to choose from a vast array of employment opportunities such as;

  • Restroom attendant for Larry Craig!
  • Page for Mark Foley!
  • Masseuse/Meth-dealer for Ted Haggard!
  • Or, if Sarah Palin wins in 2012, The Attorney General of the United States!

*In the interest of being ‘Fair and Balanced’ I’ll pick on a liberal arts education soon.

 

 

~ Animal Relations with Dr. Drew

A couple months ago I wrote a post titled Dirty animal sex and its popularity has astounded me. It was about animals having sex, not sex with animals. You would not know that from the keywords people ‘googled’ to get to this post however. At one point I looked up the most popular keywords out of curiosity, and most were involving Hot Live Porn, Filthy Monkey Masturbation, and Philly Cocks*. Anyway the pathology of the human mind fascinates me, so why not do a show to find out how all of these people became this way.

I mean I kind of ‘get’ why lonely farmers out it the middle of nowhere resort to sex with goats. I don’t really get it, but it’s understandable in the way that people who marry their cousins in West Virginia are understandable. There are just no other options. But to seek something like that out on the internet, which is filled to it’s sex crazed brim with anything else you might want, WHY animals. How can someone’s thought process/libido become so twisted that sex with livestock could make them even minutely aroused? What happened during childhood? Show me on this Curious George doll, er.. wait,.. AAHHH!

Dr. Drew is perfect for the role because he’s one of the few people that is capable of sitting through an interview with a rabbit rapist without laughing, crying, or puking. I think it would make compelling TV to say the least.

*I did not add all of those keywords just to get thousands of hits on this blog. HAHA!

PS. If you came upon this post by way of Philly Cocks, then please seek help immediately!

 

 

~Survive This

This show will be a complete rip off of Survivor except for the fact that it will be real. We will drop 10 lucky contestants in the middle of exotic and dangerous locations. There will be no Jeff Probst, there will be no rewards, no rules, the only challenge will be to survive and not quit. Whoever makes it the longest wins a cool million. We’ll make sure that all they are all dick-ish and cocky, that they brag and lie all the time. We will pretty much follow the gold standard that ‘Coach’ set this year on ‘Survivor’. Then if they give up, they’ll have to sign an affidavit promising to never speak of their greatness again. Then I will appear and say, “Your dragon slayer sword is now forever sheathed” or something along those lines.

 

Then every couple seasons we will mix it up and have an urban edition where we take ten wasp-ish contestants and drop them in the ‘hood’. Or, take ten minority contestants and drop them in the bible belt. We could have a celebrity edition where we put Rush Limbaugh in San Francisco, put Nancy Pelosi in a southern country club, and feed Lou Dobb’s to some hungry immigrants.

  

Please do feel free to leave a comment or an idea. If you would care to contribute to this worthy cause, please make checks payable to Zodiblog; In care of Ecstasy and Hookers, Amsterdam Holland, Po box.55555 as I am STILL stuck here filming, ‘Amsterdam After Dark’. Oh, the sacrifices I continue to make for my fans!!

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May 23, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Reality Sucks

 

 

For years I’ve ceaselessly pondered the astounding popularity of reality TV. How can all these people watch this shit? Why do they care? What the fuck? Now back in the day, I did love me some MTV real world, but that was just my immaturity at the time. Who wouldn’t like to watch a bunch of kids my age partying half naked while being cool, hip, irrelevant smart asses? I never realized at the time, but that was the invention of reality TV. After growing out of that though, I couldn’t get it. Don’t we watch TV to escape from reality? Isn’t this defeating the whole purpose?  

 

It’s amazing how much things change. After moving to Spain and waiting for 2 months to have internet installed I combed the web, searching for ways to download and watch the survivor and big-brother episodes I missed while in limbo. I can no longer run or hide from the truth; I am now a self confessed reality junkie.

 

I am not even really ashamed to admit (yes I am) that I’ve watched entire seasons of both Top Model and even Project Runway, and I’m not even gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that… but I’m not. The thing is, I’m not really big on fashion, and I couldn’t design a fucking sock. So why do I watch, why do I care? Well after some self exploration and philosophical musings that would make Nietzsche have a breakdown, I believe I’ve come to some conclusions.

 

I’ll try to keep these as simple as possible. I think one of the biggest reasons is that we truly miss meeting new kinds of people. As we get older we tend to become more and more isolated in our socio economic cocoons of like minded people. If you’re liberal you watch CNN, if you’re a dick you watch Fox, that kind of thing. You tend to gravitate to those that agree with you about most things. I really noticed when I first moved to the suburbs that everyone acts and reacts in the preconditioned ways in which they were raised to act or react. You hardly find genuine uniqueness anymore. 

Typical weekend.  

Saturday: wash the minivan, cut the grass, go to a reasonably priced chain restaurant, come home and drink 5 Budweisers. Or maybe even Heinekens.    

Sunday: either attend a judeo Christian church then go out to a cheap breakfast chain, or just go to a cheap breakfast chain and bitch about the church folk making it busy. Then go home to watch the home team play whatever sport the season dictates, falling asleep on an easy chair. Real life is practically scripted with everything but the smarmy catch phrase. “Woooh,” Sorry, bit of a rant. Anyway people behave exactly how you expect them to behave in any given circumstance, and it gets really fucking boring.

 

It’s only when you A: put people in extraordinary/unusual situations (Survivor) , or B: when people are in front of a camera so long that they forget (Big Brother), that you can actually get a glimpse of the characteristics that make us human. Even the celebrity reality shows are enthralling because you get to watch people even more deeply entrenched in their public persona come out of their shell. Usually to disturbing and horrifying results. Well I guess you can even see that on Letterman.

 

For me I know I’d rather endure an obscenity laced rant from Chef Ramsey, a dick-ish Jeff Probst snuffing my torch, or even an auf wiedersehen kiss from Heidi Klum than having to sit through another conversation with some douchbag neighbor, extolling the benefits of Scott’s turf builder.  

 

Or maybe it’s just half naked hot chicks partying.     

April 18, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | 2 Comments