How many of you know people who are so repulsively hideous that they’ve almost turned the corner and become cool looking; like amazing graphics in an atrocious movie kind of way? And aren’t they always, heartbreakingly, in love with people who, unlike them, were blessed with fairly symmetrical faces? Well, send your Quasimodo-ish friends over here because this LG post is for them!
Sometimes these creatures end up climbing a bell tower in Texas, or trying in vain to shift economic policy away from Reaganomics by taking a few shots at the Gipper in a half hearted attempt to impress a girl who will later be gang raped on a pinball machine. Sad, sad stuff. Sometimes however, they actually land the girl. Rarer still, they sometimes, amazingly, get the girl without date rape drugs or stun guns.
So how are these beasts able to land the beauties? From what I’ve been able to deduce there are two basic ways for the aesthetically challenged have a shot at romance outside the pocket vagina arena or animal kingdom. The first tends to involve money or outside factors of success.
– Drop out of a prestigious school and either invent some software type of shit or some social networky type of shit and become an overnight billionaire.
– Using nothing but your huge balls, somewhat functional brain, street smarts, ruthless ambition and awful background noise/music, murder your way up the coca leaf ladder to the title of drug kingpin. First you’ll acquire money, then power, and only then will you get the girl. *Important Note: do not attempt to circumvent this time tested technique. Always Money> Power> Girl.
– Get her to agree to make a porno with you. You’ll have an impossibly romantic moment during either the anal pounding or the money shot scene in which she’ll fall in love with you.
– Sign with Eminem. You ‘should’ get plenty of groupie love.
– Have plenty of interesting life experiences which then perfectly coincide with opportunistic questions on a nationally syndicated game show and become a slumdog millionaire. *Important Note: this will require a lifetime of extraneous planning.
– Learn to play the drums. *Important Note; you must also be endowed with a horse-cock.
– Learn to popularize a new genre of rock-rap. Love Detroit. And midgets. Especially love Detroit based midgets. Be willing to settle for slopping 322nds.
The problem with the first method is obvious; you have to first become ‘fuck-you rich.’ There is, however, another method you can adopt which will incorporate the ‘fuck you’ without the need of all that unnecessary ‘rich.’ The second and most common way in which nasty people with problem features are able to have years of nauseous sex with normal or even beautiful people is to…
Hypnotise them with hatred.
Blind them with belligerence.
Arouse them with animosity.
Are you enjoying these? I have dozens! No? Shit, sorry.
Anyway, the single best option for playing above your skill level is to simply act disinterested in your love interest. This can not be a passive aggressive disinterest, that will only make you look like an opaque vagina. And as cool as an opaque vagina looks, it’s not the look that you’re going for with this. No, you need to show aggressive disinterest, like so…
– When she talks about her weekend, roll your misaligned eyes violently in your ill-shapen skull and loudly inform her that nobody cares.
– When she asks about your weekend say something like, “Well I wasn’t taking cocks up the ass three deep like some people I could mention, Mrs. Whorey McSlutterson.”
It is important to learn that if you can successfully shake their confidence, they will falsely come to believe that you are worthy of them. Remember that tears are your friend in this honorable endeavor. Try these easy to learn techniques for all of your confidence destroying needs.
– Casually mention that you saw her featured on peopleofwalmart.com and asked if she was there picking up ‘that’ outfit. Or getting the finishing touches on her dental work. Or if she just went to get ‘that’ hairstyle.
– As often as possible, ask her if she’s on some kind of steroid for something, maybe a fungal infection(?) as she really seems to have bulked up. Alternatively you can ask when she’s due and if she’s expecting twins.
– Remind her often that just because she ‘can’ wear something that it doesn’t necessarily mean that she ‘should’ wear it.
– Ask her if those horizontal stripes are ‘really the best idea?’
– Look truly concerned and ask if her face was involved in a horrific weed whacker mishap this morning. Follow with a flirty ‘jus kidding.’
– Tell her that Snooki just called and she said she wants both her spray tan and stoutly torso back or she’s going to come and re-break her already bruised and injured looking legs.
– Joke that if she gave you oral you could tell everyone that you guys finally ‘bumped uglies.’
After a month long, intensive application of this technique gently inform her that she is welcome to join you in the cafeteria of the local hospital for some tea after work, and that this location will help her to avoid awkward stares and too many questions about her appearance from strangers.
You should be golden, seriously golden! After you get the girl I expect you to send me some guns or money. Or maybe lawyers, depending.
Maybe he’s (or she’s) just not that into you.
I hope that you people found my tips and advice to be informative and stimulating and that because of me you’ve had lots and lots of sexual monkey love stuff going on this week and you were singing my praises while you were orgasming, because that would be cool.
Being that this is my second Love God post and because love is as serious as a bottle of Herbal Essences lodged in your rectum after getting carried away in the shower because the commercial made you feel that if you didn’t do crazy sex shit in the shower you were some kind of loser freak with no friends and ugly, greasy hair, so now you have a potentially dangerous and definitely humiliating situation to deal with… I’ll get right to the point.
One of the most painful decisions that a couple must face is deciding whether to slowly crawl forward through the feces laced muck of a long term, committed relationship one torturous foot at a time or to break off the choking chains of fidelity, take an Herbal Essences improved shower and step out into the liberating world of bright, airy sunshine followed by lots and lots of sex with random strangers that will make vital internal pieces of your soul curl up and die but still be kind of fun and totally worth it.
Sometimes your ego will get in the way and stop you from making the right decision and moving on. Well I’m here to tell your ego that it’s stupid and ugly and wrong. Chances are if you are unhappy then it’s not your fault, it’s the fault of the lazy, blind idiot that you call a partner. These are all signs that he’s (or she’s) just not that into you and it’s time to move on.
– Too little sex. You need to understand that sexual dry patches are very normal in healthy relationships. These can usually be overcome with patience, store bought lubrication, a pharmacy bought erection and watching softcore porn together. But if it’s been months since your last tango and your advances are met with, “Sorry babe, I just masturbated” then you may be in trouble. If your advances are met with, “Sorry babe, I’m about to masturbate” then the fat lady has already sung. Or is about to sing. Especially if your girlfriend is obese and vocally gifted during self induced orgasms.
-Too much sex. If he’s constantly nagging you to let his friends ‘have a go.’
-When you bought the crack and still didn’t receive the promised fellatio.
-Passive Aggression. This is one of the most common ways that an introverted-intuitive-feeling-perceiving, type b personality will express their unspoken but highly sought after desire for you to get the fuck out of their house. Sometimes it’s minor passive aggression like ‘accidentally’ selling your brand new set of Taylor Made golf clubs at the garage sale. Sometimes it’s more obvious like that one time when you were doing all the yard work that she had been nagging you to do for the last 3 weeks while she cooked Sunday dinner only when you sat down to eat you noticed that while she had in fact, cooked an elaborate 5 course meal, she only made, like, two tablespoons of each dish and when you calmly inquired, “What the fucking fuck?” she coolly replied, “Oh, I didn’t know you were hungry dickhead.”
-When they sleep with your bosses and coworkers under the guise of procuring you a raise and you still didn’t get one.
-If after three years of an office romance you still haven’t had a kiss or shared a meal alone together. The chances are that your partner doesn’t even know that they’ve been in a committed relationship for the last three years which also means that they have probably cheated on you numerous times with multiple people. Do you really want to continue your relationship with a stupid, slutty partner? I thought not.
– When your partner refuses to lift the restraining order and your advances are met with pepper spray and throat punches.
– The last and most dangerous is Jesus Christ. The man is a playa. Even though Jesus himself has a pure heart and only the best of intentions he has inadvertently broken up more happy homes than internet porn and secret gay lives combined. I’ve worked up a simple, easy to use guide to determine if Jesus is ‘tapping that ass’ that you used to call home.
1- Has your spouse been conspicuously absent from the pukey, hungover bed on Sunday mornings? And now that you think about it, wasn’t she even more conspicuously absent from the weekly Saturday night ‘Strips Clubs are Funner with Blow’ outing?
2- Has she been leaving her old, sexy clothes in the closet and buying new, conservative, yet still slightly tacky outfits that tend to feature pleated, ankle length skirts and pearl buttoned tops with weird hats and hidous make-up?
3- Has she been finding excuses not to go to the Golden Calf Café on Sacrifice night?
4- Is there a little wooden, factory produced painting thingy with footprints and a bunch of squiggly lines now hanging in your bathroom or sitting room?
5- Are her eyes all shiny and sparkly now even though you just looked at your stash of meth and it was still in the same place and none was even missing?
If you answered yes to two or more of these questions then I hate to be the one to tell you but it’s all over and she’s with J-man now. She’s got the Holy Spirit going wild all up inside her and she’s not likely coming back from that trip anytime soon.
You have only two choices; convert or divorce. There will be no negotiation, trust me.
I hope this has been helpful. I still need questions about relationships, love, drug smuggling or sex for the next Love God post.