Man with camouflage hat and beergut.
He will be wearing jeans.
He bowls regularly and knows his average.
He drives a pick-up truck. The probability that it is also camouflaged is 70%. It does have a gun rack and a cartoon drawing of Calvin pissing on his truck’s main competitor’s logo. He’s feels passionate about his truck’s superiority in the American market.
He owns a confederate flag, and proudly has it displayed somewhere. Even if it’s only his living room.
He finds Jeff Foxworthy insightful and hilarious and often compares himself to Hank Hill.
He has pissed in a sink more often than you’d think reasonable.
Most of his hobbies involve killing animals or fish.
He voted straight republican on account of the blacks and queers.
He has been in the emergency room for both firework and beer can related injuries.
He calls his wife his Ol’ Lady.
His Ol’ Lady gets violent on the hard stuff.
He doesn’t quite know how he feels about the International Monetary Fund but he doesn’t think he likes it.
He is a premillennial dispensationalist but has never heard the phrase and wouldn’t know what it meant if he did.
He suffers a deep seated sense of inadequacy around people who are outside of his social standing/circle and tries to cover it with racism and lawyer jokes. Mostly learned from the Redneck Comedy Tour featuring Jeff Foxworthy.
Girl in Prius with Yoga bumper stickers
She presents a serene, slightly ambivalent face to the world but if you happen to make her angry, especially during her Colon Cleanse *With Acai Berry® week, she’ll turn all poltergeist and destroy you and everything you hold dear.
She fancies herself more enlightened than the masses and can’t help but feel a sense of superiority, even though she knows that she’s not supposed to. She hates camo hat guy and secretly daydreams about breaking his jaw with a new move she learned in Yoga Boot Camp® class.
She listens to a lot of PBS and Radio Active even though it sometimes goes over her head and other times bores her to death.
She talks about ‘cashing out’ one day, buying a yurt and living like the ancients in the wilderness. But she never will since nature itself doesn’t have nearly the selection as Natures Finest®.
She’s passionate about sustainability.
She either has a Reiki session or a Reiki class scheduled for this week.
She knows that The Secret® is mass produced, intellectually vapid drivel but she still practices the Laws of Attraction® because the basic premise is right on.
Her tramp stamp is the infinity symbol.
She named her dog Deepak and tells people that it’s part wolf. She’s lying.
Guy in an Ed Hardy t-shirt
He’s a douchebag.
He’s also a tool.
Guy in ridiculous pajama pants because real person pants no longer fit him.
He owns two MMA style shirts and 3 Ed Hardy shirts but only wears them on special occasions.
He spends most of his mental energy planning and fine tuning his nutritional regime. He’ll be more than happy to tell you all about it.
He spends most of his money on steroids and supplements.
He can’t walk by a shiny surface without making his pecs jiggle.
When a good looking couple walks by he checks out the guy. Only to re-assure himself that he’s bigger and/or more cut.
He’s definitely, totally, not gay at all.
He’ll fucking kick your ass if you even suggest it.
He’d probably let you suck his dick though.
Because that’s not really gay.
To those of you who know me personally it may come as a surprise that I’m deeply involved in a host of ‘new age’ interests. The term new age is actually a complete misnomer since the same things were taught in the Far East 2700 years ago. I’m on the path to enlightenment, baby! Being a Pisces I am forever enchanted with the world around me. I see magic and possibilities everywhere. So when “The Secret” first came out it was right up my alley.
Anyone who’s read it knows that its basic premise is fundamentally true. It’s based on the law of attraction, what you think about, you bring about. It’s why when you wake up feeling shitty, your day will entail spilled coffee, crying kids, and erectile dysfunction. If you start the day out positively you will impress the boss, get the girl, and make that birdie putt. Yea!
Well I happen to have a mind that loves to laugh and be entertained, especially at the expense or minor misfortune of others. The eternal comedy of human err, is my pet name for it. Humor is usually foremost in my mind and therefore usually foremost in my life, or at least my perception of life.
One of my favorite writers of all time happens to be Tim Dorsey. Like a coked up version of a Carl Hiaasen hallucination, he captures the drugs, sex, astronauts in diapers, murder, strippers, Gasparilla, and mayhem that is the epitome of all things Florida. If you’ve never read him, hurry up and do so, you will laugh until you cry. –There’s your plug Serge. Please put down the home depot circular and walk away from the Fox news anchor!!
Maybe the single funniest scene in book history occurs in ‘Florida Roadkill’ when 50 drunken, Hemingway look-a-likes get startled into a stampede rivaling the running of the bulls in Pamplona, which the real Hemingway so adored. The incident was later dubbed the running of the Hemingways. It was with this scene still very fresh in my mind, and while planning a trip to Key West, (in which I was plotting how to cause an Earnest worthy stampede) that my wife and I decided upon Sloppy Joes for dinner. After sitting down and ordering I started to notice them staggering in. Some are alone, grazing. Some are already in herds. Yep, you guessed it, by the middle of our dinner the room was filled with about 20 old, fat, bearded, alcoholic, sunburned, happy, and rowdy men.
I couldn’t believe my exquisite luck! They do gather in Key West every year for the annual Hemingway look-a-like contest and to celebrate the life, death, and complete sell out of a literary giant, but this was the very first time that they had ever gathered in Treasure Island.
It was then that I truly knew without a shadow of a doubt that the universe is so much more complex, accommodating, and entertaining than I had ever known. Even though I wasn’t able to cause a stampede (I think they were already too inebriated to notice the gunshots), it still made my day.
Maybe now I’ll focus my mind on winning the lottery.