Jesse James info
Sex: Hell yea
Birth date: 4-19-1969-hell yea
Current City: 90210 bitch
Relationship Status: Married
Looking for: How about some f**king discretion
Activities: Building Choppers, staying sober, casual dining, everything tattoo, sunsets, and long walks on the beach.
Interests: Bikes not booze, babes not blow, crack not crack, hotties not heroin.
Music: Luther Vandross, Barry White, anything by Rhapsody, and bad jazz.
TV Shows: I don’t watch TV.
Movies: Every Jesse James movie ever made. My great, great grandpa was the original Jesse James’ cousin!
Books: How to’s and do it yourselfs’. And anything about my relation Jesse James.
Quotes: “I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments” –Morrison. “God is Dead” –Nietzsche
About Me: I’m a soft-spoken, self starter who will ‘get er done.’ I’ve perfected the arts of being ‘grownup cute’ and having puppy dog eyes. I’ve worked hard and married above my station. I’m a humble, good guy. (Even though I’m related to Jesse James)
Jesse James Wall
March 7th Jesse James– My beautiful and talented wife brought home the gold (and the bacon lol) again! SO proud of you hunny!
Tim McGraw, Kathy Bates and 17 others Like This.
March 8th Jesse James found the secret stash in Mafia Wars and needs your help to launder it.
March 13th Jesse James– Wifey is dragging me to a stupid thing at stupid Wal-Mart tonight.
~Stedman Graham– I know how it can be….stinks sometimes. But hey, they’ll probably have cake!
~K-Fed– Brit always used to make me go to those wack-ass promo things. But as long as homegirl is stackin that paper it’s all good in the hood! Yo call me. I need a fiz-avor!
March 14th Brad Pitt– Dude. Stop calling me. It was just a movie. Just because I played a character doesn’t mean I want a history class. I heard he’s not even your uncle or whatever you say he is any-damn-way. No, I don’t want to ‘hang out’ with you, so leave me the hell alone.
~Jesse James– I’ll email you later but I just found something about Robert Ford on Wiki that I think you’ll be interested in. It seems that in……
March 15th Jesse James– Oh that lying, stinking, Irish skank! Some people will do anything for their 15 minutes of fame! I hope nobody believes this crap. I wouldn’t f**k her with Donald Trump’s dick!
Donald Trump, Kobe Bryant, and Bill Clinton Like This.
~K-Fed– Them dirty bitches be lyin man! I got your back yo. Call me when you get a minute.
~Bill Clinton– I feel your pain brother. As long as you didn’t leave any ‘DNA’ you should be ok. And oral isn’t sex. If that’s what you did. Is that what you did? If you have any video or photographic evidence of anything send it to me and I’ll be happy to take care of it.
~Jesse James– Now Sandra moved out. I’m finished.
~K-Fed– House Partay!
~Tiger Woods– Look Jesse, lying in these situations doesn’t get you anywhere but in a deep sand trap of shit. Too many people are trying to knock you down when you’re on top of the world. I should know. You need to just man-up and handle your business. Squash this shit while you have the chance!
~ K-Fed– @Tiger “Handle your business? Man up? Squash this?” You sound blacker than me for once. Congratulations.
March 17th Jesse James changed his relationship status to ‘it’s complicated.’
March 18th Tim McGraw– You are a piece of shit, you know that? She’s way too good for you, and I done told her that too. I hope you go straight to hell you slimy …..biker guy.
~Jesse James– FUCKYOU YOU REDNECK FUCK! You don’t want to make me mad. You won’t like me when I’m mad. You don’t know my bloodline, so back the fuck off!
~Tim McGraw– Oh look at the class! I know you’re not related to the REAL Jesse James, everybody knows that. You’re making yourself look like a fool. And I never liked you!
~Jesse James– I’ll bet you’re right there with the shoulder to cry on huh? Hey I have an idea! Why don’t you take your shit-kicking hat, shove it up your shit-kicking ass, and mosey right the fuck back to whatever shit-kicking town you came from. GO CHEW ON SOME HAY YOU FUCKING FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~K-Fed– @Tim- Yea fuck you!
March 18th Jay Leno– Sorry if this is a bad time but is my Chopper done yet? It’s like two months behind schedule and I feel like I’m being a little disrespected. I’m just saying…..
March 20th Mel Gibson– Jesse you really need to call your sponsor and get to a meeting. Nobody has seen you for awhile and we are all worried and praying for you. Maybe now would be a good time to accept Christ into your heart?
~Alice Cooper- Mel’s right, call me.
March 22nd Jesse James– I made my amends. I’ve done everything I can do. People (Sandra and ‘friends’) need to forgive me and forget about it. Is she going to have a heart and take me back? What do you guys think????
~Tiger Woods– You have to be patient. Keep with the sad faces and things will eventually work themselves out. It does help to be the main bread-winner of the family though.
~Mark Sanford– No. Women are spiteful, hateful creatures. She’ll be on Stewart next month promoting a book she wrote about your inadequate penis size. We should move to South America and live the good life.
~ Hugh Grant– Can’t say. These birds are bloody unpredictable. Idn’t it?
~Kobe Bryant– Were you found innocent in court? @Tiger- yea man, that cash do help.
~K-Fed– If not I got two words for you…Alimony! I can put you in touch with my guy, he’s a beast!! You still didn’t call me yet?
~Bill Clinton– If you can convince her it was only oral…then yes, she’ll come back. (but she’ll be bitchy like forever) Was it oral? Send me a tape. Yea?
Tiger Woods to Cadillac
I’m writing to express my utter and complete disgust with your product and services. Cadillac and the On-Star that you supposedly provide have left me hanging in a major way. When I bought when you gave me this vehicle, I had nothing but the highest expectations. I mean you are Cadillac for Christ sakes, you’re supposed to be the best. At least the best that America can offer….which should have put up a red flag right away. I realize now that I should have just moved to fucking Europe and made Mercedes or Jaguar give me a car. And they would have too; I AM Tiger Fucking Woods God Damn It. I am the greatest golfer, no the greatest athlete, no the greatest man that the world has ever known. Ever. And what did you do? You fucked me Cadillac, that’s what you did!
My complaints actually started off long before ‘the unpleasantness’ as I now refer to that retched evening. First, your representatives promised me the darkest possible window tint. Well, they weren’t nearly dark enough. I can’t possibly tell you how many times that I was receiving oral satisfaction outside of a respectable establishment and someone walked by trying to leer in my windows. I swear that they could see something, I could tell by the puzzled expressions on their peasant faces. It was almost enough to make me lose my erection. Not quite, but almost. I AM the greatest athlete that the world has ever known, mind you. Do you have any idea what would happen to me if those low-life, bottom feeding jackals at TMZ ever got wind of something like that? Never mind, I guess you do.
Let’s now move on to the evening of ‘the unpleasantness.’ I fully realize that you can not be blamed for my personal transgressions. That being said however, it IS your products responsibility to get me the hell out of that God Damned sand trap when I do shank one. And you failed me. Miserably! Not only does your poor excuse for a vehicle perform poorly on grass, but one tree can take it out? This is supposed to be a formidable SUV and it slid over that grass like my wife’s Carradan’s slaloming down the fucking French Alps. Then, when I merely bump into a sapling, the fucking thing dies quicker than MJ with a prescription pad.
Oh, and there was no ‘invisibility cloak’ feature at all. I admit that it sounded implausible to me when you representative promised it in exchange for a slice of one of my ‘side pies.’ Just one more example of your under-performing, b-game company at work.
I also take umbrage with the low quality of your windows. I’m not Snoop Dag or some such cretin, I don’t need bullet proof glass but for Christ sakes you’d think it could withstand the minimal torque of an anorexic Swede wielding an 8-iron. It’s just inexcusable is what it is!
Lastly On-Star has managed to royally fuck up my day. I even did ads for the bastards. I press the fucking button and they are supposed to be there in a flash to whisk me away to the batcave….or ….I mean to safety. Where were you when I needed you? In your complete negligence you allowed the police and subsequently the God Damned, bloodsucking press to get to the scene first. Utterly reprehensible is what it is!
On the positive side, your vehicle has allowed me to pull some fine assed babes, and I mean that literally of course. So even as angry and disgusted as I am with you, I’m willing to give you another chance provided that you provide ME with another pimped out ride. And this time I’d appreciate the really tough glass, really dark tinted windows, and the invisibility cloak. –If you guys really have that thing. I appreciate your prompt attention to this. Oh, make this one white.
Tiger Fucking Woods.
The invention of the reality mulligan
I have to give some credit for this blog to Alan Truitt; the hilariously twisted mind behind SICK DAYS. Sometimes I forget that the world doesn’t share my eccentricities, and a simple question both reminded me of that, and gave me something to write about! In this case he asked me about the mulligan; the most beautiful, honorable, gracious rule ever made up by people who suck at golf ….and life.
My friends and I grew up right next to an extremely wealthy community with plenty of country clubs and golf courses nearby. So being of the less fortunate class, we all caddied to earn some extra money in the summer. (Sometimes it was really outrageous money, if bets were won!) Other than the odd surgeon or relief pitcher for the Pirates, most of the people we caddied for sucked ass at golf. I mean they were horrible, they made me look like Tiger Woods, and I’m not even John Daly after a 12-pack of Heineken and 8 shots of Jack!
For four years I watched a chorus line of old, fat, white, rich men tee off into lakes, trees, and parking lots with their only consequence being to dig out a new ball and say that magic word….mulligan! This left an indelible impression on my young and already warped mind. I thought to myself, “My God, what if we could apply such an amazing, liberating principle to real life?” –Thus the all-encompassing, reality-mulligan was born!
Since we were at an age where we made mostly impulsive, drunken, or immature decisions, this idea couldn’t have come at a better time. We agreed that until society at large would evolve and accept this brave new concept; at least we would! Since in golf you can only call two mulligans in a round, we decided that our limit would be two a month. This meant that we couldn’t brutally make fun of, bitch about, or even acknowledge any incident in which a mulligan was applied. Yay!
~You publically offered to buy a stripper a whole new wardrobe of ‘less slutty clothes’- as my drunken and angry friend put it one night-mulligan!
~You puked in the backseat of a friends brand new car (bought 2 days earlier)-mulligan!
~You got arrested for public urination outside of a concert because there were hardly any port-o-potties and I just couldn’t hold it anymore for fuck’s sake-mulligan!
~Knock out fights between good friends-mulligan!
~You met a hot girl and left with her, leaving all of your friends stranded at an out of town club-mulligan!
~Ill advised drunken hook-up’s and on and on…….mulligan! I could obviously go on damn near forever, but by now you clearly understand this princely concept!
It is my sincere hope that someday this humble way of life catches on among those in authority; spouses, God, cops, judges! Imagine where this could be applied to better serve humanity:
~All words said during heated arguments
~All non-injury car wrecks
~Any arrests which are the result of a triple dog dare
~All public urination arrests
~All first time minor drug offences
~Pirating and selling cutting edge software to the highest Chinese bidder-sorry B.G.
The limits here are really as endless as our own immaturity/stupidity/hormonal/bladder control issues!
This would be an especially helpful tool for those people that don’t have the requisite number of filters between their brain and mouth. Even when you have a working filtering system in place, you can allow things to slip through the cracks. It’s like you can see them escaping your mouth in slow motion but just can’t keep those last obnoxious, horrible thoughts in your brain. This would work a lot like the Staples ‘easy button,’ because consequences suck!
Since God made us such fallible, erring creatures, he could at least give us this magnificent ‘do-over’ feature, at the very least twice a month. Come to think of it, all the new models of big bank execs, hedge fund managers, and crooked politicians already come with this upgrade. I think it’s everybody’s turn for a second chance, and third, and fourth, and……….
If you’re playing along at home, then remember only twice a month or life begins to lose its meaning! If you were offended by this post…Mulligan!!