The Buddha’s Info
Sex: I have the sexual organs of a God! Too bad that God is Buddha. Haha!
Birth date: 563 Before. The. Christ. Haha!
Current City: I don’t really like to be tied down and I tend to travel a lot. Why does your mind seek to label and pigeon hole?
Relationship Status: It’s complicated.
Looking for: Nothing, we possess all we will ever need inside of us. And Cheesy Puffs.
Activities: Ending suffering, surfing (just learned!), chowing, being, letting my love light shine, chillaxin.
Interests: Philosophy, candles, eastern thought, chillaxin. Asking myself… Get it? Haha!
TV Shows: Weeds, 30 Rock, Breaking Bad.
Books: The Stieg Larsson trilogy, Time Travelers Wife, Eckhart Toole, anything by Deepak Chopra.
Quotes: I am the way, the truth and the light. –Jesus. That dude is righteous bro.
About Me: I’m a pretty humble God, just trying to end suffering, bring consciousness to the world, chow down and chillax! I am not inherently opposed to marijuana. Why would I be?
The Buddha’s Wall
July 11th The Buddha – It is better to travel well than to arrive.
~ Keanu Reeves – Dude!
~ Tiger Woods – Well said Buddha, but I miss my Escalade. And my wife.
~ The Buddha – Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Take a smoke if it will help.
~ Keanu Reeves – Duuuuuude!
~ Tiger Woods – Thanks bro.
July 13th Richard Gere – Quick question. If I save the life of an animal of the field, a small rodent as such, does his life then belong to me in essence?
~ Uma Thurman – Owww. You freak.
~ Oliver Stone – How do you know it’s a rodent and not some space creature putting these thoughts into your head? Have you thought of that Richard?
~ Richard Gere – @Uma. Fuck off bitch. @Oliver. Oh my, you may be right!
~ Keanu Reeves – shit dude?
~ The Buddha – Every one needs to walk the middle road. @Uma, be nice. @Oliver, please take your medication and stop confusing the idiots. @Richard, how many times have I told you that you are going to be reincarnated as a colostomy bag if you keep this up. Do not interfere with nature. Your mind seeks fulfillment where it can not be found.
~ Uma Thurman – I disagree Buddha. Anal sex can be nice.
~ Keanu Reeves – hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe dude!
~ Richard Gere – I’m sorry master, I’ll meditate on it.
~ The Buddha – Meditate with no animal up your ass Richard. That is the middle way.
July 13th Jesus Christ – Hey B, you want to mash up some waves tomorrow?
~ The Buddha – Yea, I’m down. Breakfast at IHOP?
~ Jesus Christ – Absofreakinglutely!
~ Keanu Reeves – Can I come?
~ The Buddha – Have you any herb?
~ Keanu Reeves – dude!
~ The Buddha – Ok, but don’t get all talky.
~ Jesus Christ – 6am tomorrow guys!
July 13th The Buddha became a fan of The Sound of One Hand Clapping, Becoming a Fan, and The Office.
July 14th The Buddha– Killer waves and righteous peeps!
~ Jesus Christ, J-Lo and Keanu Reeves like this.
July 14th The Buddha– To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one’s own in the midst of abundance.
~ The Buddha – Can a Buddha get a like? WTF.
July 15th The Buddha is now friends with Steven Segal, Mark Wahlberg and 14 others.
July 17th Pat Robertson– You should be ashamed of yourself. You are leading all these heathens straight into hell. Plus you’re fat.
~ The Buddha – Your soul suffers Pat. You need to seek peace.
~ Pat Robertson – You’re going to hell you fatso. I can squat 4500 pounds, thanks to God. And my protein shake.
~ The Buddha – Please do not spam my wall Pat.
July 17th The Buddha wrote on Mohammad’s wall.
July 17th The Buddha – Haha, some people are so afraid of hell that they create it on earth.
~ Cher and Oliver Stone like this.
~ Pat Robertson – You are a passive aggressive fat man. Have you become a fan of The 700 club yet?
~ Tom Cruise – You are both so ignorant. You are both so wrong. My Lord Xenu knew you when you were a mere pup, Siddhartha Gautama. You and Pat both need to Come to the Real Truth!
~ The Buddha – @Tom why do you feel the need to capitalize what are only words. Words hold no inherent power, they only point the way to the truth. Or Truth as you would say.
~ Tom Cruise – Don’t be glib Siddhartha.
~ Keanu Reeves – @Tom. dude i love you in that movie you did u should come check out my band somtime we should get 2gether and hang do u surf? i went surfing with buddha and JC the other day u want 2 surf with me to? it’ll be sick
~ Tom Cruise – @shit4brains- I’d rather have sex with a female.
~ Jesus Christ – Don’t resist the asshole Buddha, if you ignore him he’ll go away eventually.
~ Pat Roberson – My Lord, is that you?
~ Jesus Christ – I defriended you for a reason Pat, leave me alone.
July 18th Mohammad– Hi Buddha. Thanks for the birthday wishes my brother. May a million spider webs protect you always.
~ The Buddha likes this.
July 19th The Buddha – Just chillin under a Bodhi tree with Patrick Swayze listening to some Nirvana hahaha!
~ The Buddha – There were like 3 jokes in that one. Why can’t you people just ‘like’ it?
~ Keanu Reeves likes this.
~ Keanu Reeves – dude, i got 2 of those funny jokes I was in the movie tell patrick that nobody puts baby in a corner hehehe he’ll get it!
~ Phil Jackson – @Keanu- Did your mother huff glue while breast feeding you? @Buddha- Hey B, I just came up with an inspiring and Zen inducing locker room speech, let me know when you have a minute to help me fine tune it.
~ Keanu Reeves – @Phil. your a dickbag
July 20th The Buddha wrote on Phil Jackson’s wall.
July 20th The Buddha– I heart fried peanut butter and Jelly toped with vanilla ice cream with a side of hot dogs and cheesy poofs!
~ Keanu Reeves – dude! mumumnomnomnom!
July 21st Ziggy Sobotka– Is this where I come to blow shit up and get 72 virgins?
~ The Buddha – No.
~ Mohammad – Oh Jesus Christ.
~ Jesus Christ – What?
~ Jesus Christ – Seriously, what?
Did you promise yourself that 2010 was going to be your year to shine? Well, now is your chance to get off your ass and make it happen. This may be your only opportunity to make your pitiful life worthwhile, maybe even stupendous. Please use your primitive skill set to empty your polluted mind so that you can ask yourself these questions…
- Are you ready for a brand new career?
- How about a brand new life?
- Are Protestants just too fun loving for your taste?
- Are you into masochism? No? How about if it gets you the attention of beautiful people? Haha, I thought so!
- Have you ever dreamt of a life at sea?
- Do you feel like you need some quality ‘me’ time away from friends and family? They can suck the life right out of you, we know.
- Can you respect and follow a chain of command?
- Do you have a strong desire to get back at your parents for getting divorced when you were 11? Or for when your mom moved in with that fucking Dave guy and his asshole son? Yea, screw those jerks!
- Do you have at least $75k in liquid assets? If not, can you get it? What if you ask your mom and Dave? Or maybe you have a rich uncle?
- Don’t you think Lost is a great series? Couldn’t your life use a little mystery and science fiction?
- Do you feel cloudy? You know what we mean….like confused.
- How would you like to possibly have a chance at meeting Mr. Cruise? How about Mr. Travolta? Yea? Then you better get hold of that fucking cash! Seriously, ask Dave.
- Do people often tell you that you’re smart but ‘lack common sense?’ (That’s malarkey BTW.)
- Would you like being the ‘meat’ in a Kirstie Alley and Greta Van Susteren sandwich? (Just remember to keep Kirstie on the bottom.)
If you answered yes to any one of these questions, especially the one about the $75k because that one is like, crucial, then Scientology may be for you.
Celebrities are awesome and better than you. So you should strive to be more like them. And we have way more celebrities than that stupid Kabbalah that makes you wear a dumb red string. What’s that all about? Did they leave their tampon in too long? All the cool celebrities are with us. If you join us then maybe people will like you more? Don’t you think it’s worth a shot?
Another great reason to join is so you can be part of our upcoming mass tort litigation that we are about to file against all this bullshit bad press we keep getting. We have every reason to believe that we’ll win tons and tons of really fabulous money.
We know that there is a voice in your head talking to you RIGHT NOW. It’s telling you things like, “Be careful,” “Don’t rush into anything,” “I can never hope to be as super awesome as Tom Cruise is,” and “Dave will definitely stop mom from giving me any money.” That voice is not you! It’s the thetans that are polluting your thinking. Think about it, ONLY CRAZY PEOPLE HAVE VOICES IN THEIR HEADS. Right?
So if you want to stop being a crazy, dumb loser who sucks at life, and are ready to become all that you ever dreamed you could be if only that fucking Dave would just fucking die then please attend our free health screening all weekend at the Clearwater Holliday Inn. See you there!
Cycle of a News Story
Back in the early days, if a caveman saw a saber tooth tiger (or Adam saw an untamed dino) he would run back to his cave (or his garden) and gesture effusively while grunting (or have a polite conversation with Eve and the snake). Then everyone would know to avoid the danger and be effectivley caught up with the current events of the day. A little later as we became more civilized, news would spread through gossip and quiet innuendo until somebody was burned at the stake. The town crier would cry it, and that was the end of the story.
It wasn’t so long ago that newspapers and serious anchormen took over, and the news game really started to change. People came to trust and depend on these people and publications. How else would they know who to hate, who to fear and who to love? Back then nothing happened unless The Times or Walter Cronkite damn well told you it happened.
Needless to say things have changed exponentially since then. Now you have a million different sources telling you a million different things. But no matter who is telling you what, the whole mechanism for a news story is universal. This is not just about Tiger or Lindsay or even Nancy Kagan, the cycle stays the same for almost everything.
-First an event/death/murder/19th baby/affair/war/crime….may or may not occur.
-Someone will inadvertently snap a few incriminating cell phone pics/drunk twitter/talk/or angry Facebook status update.
-The National Enquirer will get wind of the story, put their head down and barrel towards the endzone.
-The common folk will now begin murmuring. As they do.
-TMZ will smell blood in the water and send in the sharks.
-Someone will at this point, without fail…
A) Wreck a SUV into a tree while being chased by a 9-iron wielding, infuriated Swede.
B) Get Arrested
C) Come out
D) Commence a low speed chase through LA.
E) Enter the hospital (exhaustion)
F) Enter a rehab (exhaustion related crack use)
H) Die of unknown causes.
I) Issue an ambiguous statement
This is the point in the story’s life that the proverbial shit hits the phucking fan. There is now nonstop 24/7 coverage. If an anchor must read that The Enquirer broke the story first, it must be said with a smirk and with the taste of bile prominently fixated in their throat. Every network now must quickly decide if the person in question is a ‘friend’ of the network or a ‘friend’ of the network’s political slant. Now all the networks start calling the person in question’s publicist, promising ‘soft’ coverage if they can get the scoop. You know, the ‘real’ scoop, not that white-trash fodder that the Enquirer printed.
Now it’s time for the ‘personalities’ to weigh in. O’Reilly and his cronies will either call out the person in question as a secular progressive, a scumbag or a hypocrite, or they will chastise the public and media for not showing respect and privacy. Olberman and his legion will state the polar opposite of the enemy’s opinion, and do it convincingly. You see, they happen to know that if they were ever to agree on anything, even accidentally, the universe would implode upon itself. Then no matter what the story and no matter what the circumstances…….
-Anderson Cooper will revolve. The entire way around.
-Glenn Beck will cry for America’s lost greatness.
-Sanja Gupta will way in on any and all medical implications.,
-Nancy Grace will get mad and demand justice.
-Steve Ducey will be confused but manage to chuckle speculatively.
Networks will now call in every expert (read.. right priced idiot with a book deal) to argue every point of contention, making sure to never, ever allow such trivial minutia as ‘the facts’ to get in the way of a good thing. Like maybe another book deal. At this point every new development in the case/story/birth/death/scandal will be announced with a bright red (read scarlet letter) banner announcing the brain weight/birth weight/lethal concoction/type-o-condom/type-o-club used.
The story will continue to ebb and flow like a radioactive tide on Lake Karachey until two tasks are successfully completed by the presumed perpetrator.
The first is to manage to hit a single with the softball that’s thrown to them on Larry King. And just because he has the marbleized, ice cold flesh of the ancient vampire that he is, does not mean that he’s not a nice man. He will do everything in his supernatural power to make sure that the ‘guest’ is comfortable and appropriately pitied. A warning must be issued at this point however; do NOT fuck this up. If you rip your mike off and walk off in haste, the story, much like King himself will never, ever, ever die. –See Prejean.
The second step is Oprah. As long as the celebrity/criminal/whatever…I’m tired of using slashes/, doesn’t do anything too crazy like punch the bitch in the face, or admit that she is the one, true antichrist…..then the story can finally be put to bed. Then finally, it’s all over and everyone can move on with the next distraction to keep them from focusing on their own lives.
Everyone should know the warning sings of beginning a relationship with an unstable or dangerous person; violent outbursts, drug dependency, letters from prison, etc, etc. Dr Phil has probably covered all that by now. I really don’t know, I can’t stand the smarmy, fat prick. But to my knowledge no one has ever covered the warning lines (sentences and phrases) that should put up a bright, red flag immediatly. Oh, and alarm bells should ring. And your life should flash before your eyes like a vacation slide show on crystal meth. So if you’re out on a date (especially a first date) and your date utters any of these statements or questions, just run like a crack whore who’s heard “Five-O.” Keep in mind that these are for the men as well as the ladies.
“I’ve had a tough year. I was a ‘person of interest’ in a homicide investigation.”
“You are the only person who ‘gets’ me.”
“Could you take a different route? I’m not supposed to be within 300ft of a school.”
“Do you have any Chore Boy at your house?”
“Do you have any Risperdal or Zyprexa on you?”
“I’m totally healthy; I haven’t had an outbreak in two months.”
“My Husband is doing a ten year bit upstate.”
“Are you ok white boy? Do you need some brown?”
“When we get in here, could you pretend that you’re my niece?”
“Have you ever had an 8-some?”
“Wow, you’re probably going to make hubby number 5!”
“What the fuck are you looking at?”
“Do you want a hit of this?”
“Why don’t I just show you my cock now, to get it out of the way.”
“Why don’t you just show me your penis now, to get it out of the way.”
“I’ve just changed my relationship status on Facebook from ‘single’ to ‘in a serious relationship!”
“What kind of health insurance do you have?”
“I hope you’ve packed. I’m taking you to Clearwater to meet my friends.”
“Kids this is Mark; but you need to call him daddy now.”
“So, writers must make a lot of money, huh?”
“Theoretically speaking, how would you respond to a wedding proposal on the first date?”
“Have you ever seen The Crying Game?”
“I’m only stripping so that I can put myself through GED class.”
“Wait until you see my lovenest.”
“I’m only staying at my mom’s until I can get back on my feet.”
“I gotta run in this house for a second. Keep the car doors locked and the windows up.”
“Do you have some baking soda, a glass bowl, and a microwave at your place?”
“Wait until you see my melon ball-her!”
“Have you ever heard of emetophilia?”
“What size dress do you wear…..12? Do you moisturize regularly?”
“I’m S.C. Beringer. Maybe you’ve heard of me?”
“Do you want to hit a 12-step meeting and then grab some coffee and chat?”
“My name is Beth, but my friends call me Tweaker.”
“Say, out of curiosity; how old do you think that girl is?”
“I’m famous in my home town, I been on Springer twice.”
“Hang on, I just have to run in here and surrender my passport.”
“When we get to the party, make sure that you don’t make eye contact with any of my brothers.”
Following a knock at the door….
“I guess it’s time you meet the Gimp.”
“Oh my God! Hide in the closet. NOW!”
“Fuck. Shit. Oh my God. Fuck me.”
“You don’t happen to have five grand on you by chance?”
“Hurry, help me get this neck brace on.”
“Do you have a gun?”
“If that’s my parole officer, tell him I’m at work.”
“Have you ever heard of Troilism?”