The Winner/Bonus Photo/New Caption Contest…
And the winner is…
Jay With…. “Members of Brigham Young University’s Russian Mafia Student Organization vow revenge after being kicked off campus following a shootout with the Sons of the Confederacy at a local park over the weekend. The group’s president, Vladamir Sharapova, said the two groups were just doing a modern reenactment of The Mountain Meadows Massacre. “It’s like Civil War reenactments, but done with modern weaponry” said Sharapova. But, school officials said that there are strict rules against any school organization being coed and noted that there is a lot of speculation that one of the members of the club is either “gay or at least bisexual.”
This is a photo that I promised FJ, but that I hope you will all enjoy. I know I loved the ’experiments’ they conducted on me….
And finally, this weeks caption contest. Beat my caption for a beautiful blue link, international recognition, and a ride in a cloud…..
Damn, I knew I shouldn't have taken that fourth hit of acid
The Lobster Boy
This is a story that is very close to my own heart. Mostly because this story is such a great conversation piece at parties. Also because my own life has closely mirrored that of the lobster boy. We were both born in Pittsburgh and we both moved to Florida. I love water and he must have, he was the lobster boy for fuck’s sake. That’s where the comparisons end. Ok, so maybe our lives aren’t so much a mirror, as a slightly reflective surface…. like brushed stainless steel.
Grady Stiles Jr. was born in 1937 (ironically a great year for burgundy, which goes great with lobster) in Pgh PA with a condition known as ectrodactyly, or more commonly referred to as lobster syndrome. With ectrodactyly the hands and feet appear to the entire world to be lobster pincers. The Stiles clan came from a long line of crustaceans as Grady’s great, great grandfather ‘Rock’ crawled from the sea to begin living on land.
This is not choice DNA to begin with. Because it tastes so good, people often forget that lobsters are bottom feeders. They are the rats of the ocean. I know that if I had to be descended directly from sea life, I’d want to come from the Emperor Angelfish or the California Smoothtongue; that thing could charm the skirt right off of a Yellowfin Tuna. If I had to come from a crustacean it would at least be something noble like the King Crab.
When Grady was a young boy the family moved to Gibsonton Florida, where they all preformed as a sideshow attraction called The Lobster Family. Gibsonton was, and still is a town devoted almost entirely to carnies and freaks. It was a rough place to grow up, and even today the police are loathe to even enter it. They never know when the bearded lady is going to run through the streets naked, or the knife throwing midgets are going to go on a meth binge. But even among ‘America’s untouchables’ young Grady was ostracized and picked on.
During his senior year, which was the 5th grade at Gibsonton High, he was voted prom king as a cruel joke. After Grady skittered up onstage, his classmates dumped buckets of melted butter on him from the rafters. Although he was unable to produce a massacre like you might expect, he knew right then and there that he wanted to kill. And kill he eventually did.
To dull the gripping pain of his tragic life he began abusing alcohol and drugs. Even in that world he wasn’t spared humiliation. Every time he tried to buy an ounce of weed, the dealers would ask if he was sure he didn’t just want a pinch. Then they would laugh and laugh before lapsing into a coughing fit. I’m not sure how Grady could roll a joint, but he was probably a master at snipping the twisty ends.
Unfortunately, overindulgence in alcohol and the Florida sun gave Stiles a pure crimson completion, further driving him into isolation. Even after a specialty wheelchair became available, he preferred to skitter about on his claw-like appendages. He was able to move very rapidly and quickly built amazing upper body strength after scoring some steroids off of the circus strongmen. As he fell deeper into the bottle he became angrier and more aggressive everyday. If he saw anyone point at him and laugh, the little fucker would scuttle over to them and viciously nip at their heels, yipping like a drunken terrier.
Surprisingly he married twice, and when he had his first child he vowed to turn his life around. But in a moment of parental exuberance he became over-excited by his daughter cuteness and pinched her cheeks. 27 stitches and two visits from Child Protective Services later, he was drinking again. He became an extremely violent and abusive husband and father, and ruled the family with a vice like grip.
On the night before his daughters wedding, Grady killed her fiancé in a drunken rage. After shooting the boy, he crawled on top of him and fed for hours until police could finally be coaxed into the neighborhood. A very sated and bloated man, he fully confessed to the crime. He was found guilty of first degree murder, but since no prison in the state had the facilities to handle his disability, he was only sentenced to 15 years probation.
After an obvious divorce and a ridiculous remarriage, Grady was right back to his old ways of drinking and boiling over with anger. After waking up for the 27th morning in a row with unbelievably sore nipples, Grady’s new wife Mary Teresa decided that she’d had enough. So she did what any normal, trailer park side show freak would do and hired another side-show freak to whack Stiles out for $1500. It is unclear whether a pizza also changed hands, as one did in the Graziano murder a few years later.
On November 29, 1992 Grady Stiles was shot three times in the head while sitting in his living room watching Deadliest Catch. Mary Stiles was convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to 12 years. Christopher Wyant and a third man, Harry Newman, who was supposed to prepare the garnish, were both found guilty of murder and sentenced to life in prison. This was the first murder trial where the ‘battered women’s syndrome’ defense was used.
They should have allowed all three to go free and enjoy some nice bisque.
The Origin of Phrases II
We’re back with a few peoples favorite post to learn the real origins of some of today’s most popular (and not so popular) phrases. So without further ado (I know I have to get to that one too) …. the all dedication edition…..
-Wash My Balls for a Dollar
When Ramblin’ Rooster requested this one, I thought that maybe he was taking the piss. After a little research I was surprised that this phrase is actually quite popular in low income and urban areas in the mid-west. The phrase was written in the original script for Boyz N the Hood by John Singleton. The phrase was replaced however when, during the first month of shooting Singleton and Ice Cube were getting pissy on the Crystal, and a nappy headed crack ho asked Mr. Cube for a crumb. When Ice replied, “suck my mother fuckin dick” John quickly wrote it in his notebook and the rest was history. Fate was finicky for ‘Wash my balls for a dollar,’ or it would be a pop culture phenomenon still today. Apparently the phrase is still used sparingly by liberal Hollywood, the West Coast elitists, and occasionally by crack dealers looking for a quick laugh or in need of a ball cleansing.
-Jump on the Bandwagon
Requested by Micky-T. Although many fools attribute this phrase to P.T. Barnum, it was originally coined by Dan Rice who was a world renowned circus clown. This was back when circus clowning was an intellectually respectable vocation; before all of the clown nonsense began. Mr. Rice found that he could substantially increase his income by throwing his considerable weight (this was before the 30 clowns to a car shtick, and he weighed a lot) behind political campaigns. He’d bring his fancy bandwagon which was stocked with a full bar, to crowded areas and get everyone drunk if they promised to vote for whoever he was supporting that election year. Some people would become too intoxicated to stay on the slowly moving vehicle, which was also how the phrase ‘falling off the wagon’ came to pass. Unfortunately, most of the people who fell off Rice’s wagon were crushed by his massive 60in spinning rims on phat Goodyear’s.
The phrase began adopting a negative connotation in the late 1840’s, when Rice successfully got a Know Nothing candidate elected in Boston. The Know Nothing political party was extremely anti-Irish and anti-immigrant, but above all else anti-Irish immigrant. So when a bunch of Irish immigrants unwittingly elected a K.N. politician because of too much free booze and a fancy wagon ride, the potatoes really started flying. The backlash was stereotypically drunken and violent and eventually the election was overturned. The Supreme Court, which was surprisingly made up of oracles, ruled that it would be like a bunch of Mexican immigrants electing Lou Dobbs…..uh…a hundred and seventy years from now.
This phrase, much like most of our proud linguistics, is now used almost exclusively in reference to sports.
-If the Shoe Fits, Walk a Mile in it
For Claire , I easily found that this phrase began as a duel sponsored corporate advertising campaign put together by the mad men working for R.J. Reynolds and Buster Brown in 1944. The commercial was made sexclusivley for theater audiences because of the adult nature of the content, i.e.; there was a tongue (or European) kiss. The ad starred Ingrid Bergman as Virginia Slim and Cary Grant as Joe Camel. In the first scene Virginia is having a fight with her husband over a burnt roast. After receiving a sharp slap, Virginia storms off and we next see her in the neighborhood strip mall trying on a new pair of comfortable Buster Brown shoes. After paying (with her new Shawmut debit card), she tells the clerk, “Why these shoes fit so well, I think I’ll walk a mile for a Camel in them.” After a short clip of her walking down a long and dusty road we see her arrive at an isolated farmhouse. On the porch is a rugged, square jawed farmer sitting with his sweaty torso fully exposed as he happily drags on a cigarette. He slowly rises and greets her with a long passionate kiss, tilts her head gently back and says, “You’ve come a long way baby!”
The ad only ran for 3 short months before the American Family Association began protesting, and got it shut down.
*I still have two more requests due for nest week’s edition, but remember…. if you have any phrases that are close to your heart let me know!!!
And the Winner is…./New Caption Contest
And the Winner is…
Dianne with, “Gladys! Hold me up, Oy! The shock is about to kill me. He says he’s my grandson and he has papers”
New Caption Contest…
“After church, we’ll make a quick visit to the Planned Parenthood clinic to see if we can convince them to reconsider setting up shop here in God’s county.”
Beat my caption. You’ll win a big beautiful blue link, international recognition, and maybe a little wrath or smiting. Good Luck!
Ok, So I’m Broke and Homeless
I’ve been reading a fantastic book by Timothy Ferriss called ‘The 4-Hour Work Week.’ I knew it was for me when I read the title. I’ve never seen a book that so perfectly epitomized my dedication to gainful employment. Ferriss asks you to examine and write out the worst case scenario if you lost everything (financially) in pursuit of your loftiest dreams. The purpose of this exercise is to prove that once your fears are clearly defined, they are much easier to deal with.
Does not suit me
As horrible as it sounds, even the dire prospect of financial ruin holds a romantic appeal to me. Then again, I’ve always had a romantic/hobo-ish nature. Even so, I would hope that I’d be able to see the shit-storm coming right before it hit the proverbial fan and be thus able to escape with at least a few bucks.
This is where it gets fun in my fantasies. First the Brazilian and the Swede start slow dancing… Sorry, wrong fantasy. Ok, first I’d use Priceline.com to find the cheapest airfare and fly my poor ass to Costa Rica. Once there, I’d buy a bunch of used or ‘found’ surf boards, find a piece of cardboard, borrow a magic marker, and start my very own surf school. Since I’d be the least shifty looking of the available local instructors, all the tourists would flock to me.
Paradise suits me perfectly
I’d have all of my students lock their valuables in my safely padlocked and hidden beer cooler. If I ‘lost’ any students (it happens often in CR) due to riptide, shark attack, or because I forgot about them while catching a killer wave in, then that would only improve my bottom line. I’d build a shelter out of my surfboards and palm fronds every night and sleep like a baby who’s drank 17 cheap Central American beers. I’d only ever have to buy my first beer in the local tourist bars. After I began recounting tales of fortune followed by misfortune, followed by multiple surfing tragedies where I’d lost all of my students on a single day, I’m pretty sure drinks would be on whoever I was talking to. My legend would grow. Everyday I’d enjoy fish cooked on an open fire, along with a medley of fresh fruits pilfered from the trees.
When surf was down, I’d lead tourists on expeditions into Manuel Antonio National Park, pointing out the sloths, toucans, dart frogs, and monkeys. I’d also be protecting them from the monkeys, since I have a way with monkeys. I would collect a fee and some very generous tips. Within months I’d open an office and cater to wealthy Americans looking for the adventure of a lifetime in the wilds of Costa Rica. In two years I’d be flush again, and everything would be back to normal. Except the dead tourists would probably still be dead.
If for some insane reason none of that worked out, I’d have plenty of other options to survive and/or prosper………
- Go to India. Become a slumdog millionaire.
- Kill Kato Kaelin. Take over his life.
- Find a celebrity who has a posse opening for a witty sidekick. Be willing to bust a cap in an ass. Or cut a bitch.
- Become Tim Gunn’s pool boy.
A shitty job
- Marry Elizabeth Taylor.
- Write a book about positive thinking using New Age techniques and pretending to use quantum theory. That shit works man.
- Charge to help people become ‘rapture ready.’
- Open a pet rescue service for people who are waiting for the rapture. All fees to be paid up-front.
- Move to the UK. Find a girl, any girl, and get her pregnant. We’ll get a house, free food, and a monthly stipend to be used on necessities like beer and cigarettes.
- Adopt Leona Helmsley’s dog.
- Crash wedding receptions, wakes, bar mitzvahs, and Shriners parties for free food and alcohol. And to make friends.
- Sell Paris Hilton coke. Blackmail Paris Hilton.
- Have sex with Tom Cruise. Blackmail Tom Cruise.
- Write a book about adolescent vampires.
- Find Raymond Babbitt, Ben Mezrich, or Will Hunting. Go to Vegas.
- Get on Big Brother. Write an e-book about how to get on Big Brother.
-Get a job as Ellen DeGeneres’s official strap-on.
A nice, steady job
- Bet against the Pirates, the Lions, the Raiders, and the Clippers. Repeat as necessary.
- Reread Catch Me if You Can and Matchstick Men. Become a con artist.
- Buy a Ronald Reagan mask, rob banks, and become an adrenaline junkie. Follow the endless summer.
- Run a Ponzi scheme on other derelicts.
- Move in with illegal immigrants and teach them English in exchange for a spot on the floor and a nightly meal.
- Write a book about an adolescent sorcerer.
- Offer to kill the ‘I’m a Mac’ guy for Bill Gates.
- Move to Boston. Accuse a priest of molesting me. Settle out of court.
- Move to St. Pete Florida and buy a tent.
- Get a job as Lindsay Lohan’s ‘keeper.’
An exciting job
- Write a book about how to become a successful bum.
- Go on Oprah and tell my story.
See, everything will work out just fine!
New Caption Contest
Beat my caption. But remember; my safety word is ‘ouch.’
Since I’m under the weather and Dayquiled out of my head, I brought the Caption Contest out of retirement. Whoever comes up with the funniest one will win a beautiful blue link and international recognition. The winner will be revealed next Monday!
What do you think hunny bunny? 15E for a genuine Dolce and Gabbana!!
Rapture Ready Reality
Just another Wal-Mart consumer
Once we are all on Gideon’s Island, all hell is going to break loose. I’m going to put forth my best effort to redeem them, entertain the masses, and make myself millions. I plan to allow the show to go on for decades, at least until the ‘contestants’ all reform or die out. There will be non-stop games and competitions to earn ‘rapture points,’ and one long running experiment.
The Games
-An Honest Education or Home School Hell?*
This would be a Jeopardy-style game show for those lucky seniors about to graduate from that esteemed classroom at Mom’s kitchen table. Our young scholars will answer such questions as;
-What kind of dinosaurs did Adam and Eve have as pets?
-Is the NRA one of the three branches of government, Yes or No?
-What is the square root of 25?
-Are colleges evil? If so, how evil?
-Why do men have nipples?
Unfortunately, the losers parents will face criminal prosecution, but the lucky winners will get to choose from a vast array of employment opportunities such as;
Restroom attendant for Larry Craig!
Page for Mark Foley!
Masseuse/Meth-dealer for Ted Haggard!
Or, if Sarah Palin wins in 2012, The Attorney General of the United States! But only if they ever make it back off of the island.
*Pilfered from one of my earliest posts.
An American Nightmare
-Pin The Tail on The Antichrist!
This name is taken straight from their own lingo. Since they will no longer have world leaders, the liberal media, or the communist elitists to accuse of being the devil incarnate, they will have to start picking among their own people when looking for a scapegoat to blame for the islands problems. This will cause them to turn on each other quicker than McCain’s campaign strategists.
-Live By the Old Testament, Die By the Old Testament.
This won’t be a game so much as a fair and balanced way to hold them to their own belief system. Since these zany zealots are so fond of Leviticus and other antiquated scripture to judge others, I thought it would be fun if the rules of the same era were applied to them! For instance…
~If anyone is found working on the Sabbath; and this includes cooking, gardening, or cleaning, they shall be put to death. –Exodus
~If anyone is found eating fried shrimp (At Denny’s) they shall be stoned to death. –Leviticus
~If anyone were to get their hair cut, especially around the temples, they shall die. –Leviticus!
~If anyone is found to plant two different crops in the same field, or wear a garment made of mixed fabrics, they shall be burned to death. –That’s right folks….Leviticus. And since we’re all living by the wonderful Law, I wonder how many men will sell their daughters into slavery, as is sanctioned in Exodus? It might be tough to find all the bulls, goats, and possibly an odd son or two for God’s demanded sacrifices though. This never ending game will be a hoot! At least they won’t have any scary homosexuals jamming things down their throats anymore. Many more games and competitions will be played later, during the tribulation period.
-The Experiment.
In an effort to prove that God did not pick them (or their race) personally, ‘lift up their spirit,’ or ‘enter their heart’ through holy osmosis, we will have a good old fashioned baby swap. We’ll have them raise a few babies born in the Middle East and have some hard core Muslims raise a few of their kids in Qatar. When the Muslim kids are speaking in tongues, and their kids come back reading the Koran, hopefully these sycophants will see that religion is not based on God loving America best, but is based entirely on geography and environment. This might dissuade them from thinking that foreigners are evil and scary because they had the gull to be born outside of the US. They’ll probably end up opening a Gideon’s Island version of Gitmo for their own kids, but you never know.
We will have all of the best special effects technology, and throughout the show will be playing elaborate practical jokes on the contestants. Many jokes will include taking most of the cast to another island in the middle of the night (telling them they won a reward), then blaring trumpets from the sound systems, and leaving empty piles of clothes scattered about. When the remaining people wake up to find that they were the only ones not raptured, it will be pure comedy gold. Another series of jokes will include God (voice by James Earl Jones) ‘talking’ to people, telling them he needs them to assemble a cast and put together an off-off-off Broadway show of Bye, Bye, Birdie. This will keep anyone from having too much free time to organize an armed resistance.
Every two weeks we will have the audience vote out one person that they find most capable of redemption; Ironic I know. They will phone (mo money) in their votes and the ‘winner’ will be secretly drugged before bed. Then while they are asleep, they will be taken to another island. They will be replaced by look-alike actors on the main island. The person who was voted ‘most likely to not be a fuckwad anymore’ will wake up to discover that they are in the afterlife, and have landed in a purgatory-like realm with both benevolent and malevolent creature like this running around…………..
Angels like this
Demons like this
The angles and demons (sorry Danny boy) will try to teach them that their time on earth was a gift. They were supposed to do the most good they could, while enjoying every precious second. If they want another shot at life, they will be forced to go back to ‘earth,’ and volunteer as community organizers and gay rights advocates. Of course, God will have to have his camera crew follow them around every second. We’ll just tell them that God loves ‘The Office’ and is working on a sitcom/fake documentary using quirky characters with another chance at life. They can’t question God, so they’ll accept it. Hilarity will ensue!
After a couple of years, when the main cast is cut down to half of the most vile, reprehensible assclowns, we will create the ‘real’ rapture. All of the actors will leave in the middle of the night, again only leaving behind dentures, piles of clothing, and jewelry. After we blow the trumpet our ‘stars’ will wake up to realize that they now have to face the tribulation period, the one that they loved envisioning the evil heathens having to endure. There will be plagues, marks of the beast (I was thinking a mark they’d have to receive to get a 10% discount at the Wal-Mart. They couldn’t turn that shit down), signs in the sky, Amy Winehouse will sober up, Perez Hilton will go straight, Tom Cruise will ‘come out,’ and Christian Bale will take his lighting crew out for drinks. We’ll have Andy Dick come on the island to play the role of God, and Maury Povich will play Satan. Both Povich and Dick will be given a wide berth of improvisational latitude. The last seven years of the show should be the most entertaining and enlightening! And absolutely fucking hilarious.
It is my honest hope that this massive ‘social experiment/nefarious scheme/reality show’ will truly make the world a better, and dare I say…. more Christian place. And will finally bring me Bruckheimer money!
Meet the Cast!
It’s finally time to introduce you to the cast of my newest and possibly best reality show ever. And it doesn’t include a single Gypsy. For these people ‘reality’ is a little bit of a fuzzy, maybe even non-existent line, but the show will fall into the reality genre nonetheless. Instead of using my overly descriptive, adjective heavy style of writing, I’ll let you get to know the inner-scramblings of their brains by their own words.
Some of you may feel the urge to be sickened or even repulsed by their quotes (and life), but you need to fight that urge. God himself put these people on the planet for our, and presumably his own, entertainment and amusement. It would be a SIN NOT to use them to their hilarious potential.
Remember, one of these people might be in the house next door to you right now praying, listening to Glenn Beck, cleaning their handguns, praying, crying, and most of all…..getting madder and madder. Once I get this show up and running they’ll be safely tucked away in a ‘studio home’ which will be much more ‘compound like’ in actuality. I left the spelling, grammar and punctuation as is so that you can really get to know them! The only thing I did add was quotation marks. Every quote was cut and pasted directly from Rapture Ready. So in their own words…………………
– “That’s the beauty of Heaven… we can leave our brains behind.”
– “This is also why the hate crimes bill is so dangerous. It protects child molesters, AND if your child so much as turns down their own rape- they are guilty of a hate crime. If your child fights a rapist by scratching the face of their attacker- hate crime. Child molesters were qualified under this because their perversion towards childred is seen as sexual orientation. America is toast.”
– “There are three races, Jews, Gentiles and the Church.”
– “Nope, no vaccinations for my children. They are 3 & 4 and have never had more than the sniffles their entire life. I cover them with pray, rebuke the enemy and stand on God’s promises. And He has been faithful. Based on my research, vaccinations do more harm than good.
I think everyone should decide based on their own personal research and convictions. If a mom chooses to vaccinate, it’s her decision. I however, cannot, in good conscience, subject my children to this poison.”
– “Last night, I almost threw myself on the floor and BEGGED Jesus to come back. I really was near to pitching a hissy fit. I WANNA GO HOME! ”
– “Meeee too meeee too! It’s so hard to even climb out of bed in the morning knowing I have to face antoher day. I get to a point, seriously get to a point, when I start to wonder if it’s going to happen…at all…ever! Then I calm down and know in my heart that the Word of God is true.”
– “I think baldness is related to having a haughty spirit or arrogance.”
– “If you watched Glen Beck today and saw the end of the show when he was almost in tears…..
What exactly did he mean when he said it was time for us to make hard choices and take our country back?”
– “Where I come from (Asia), if a leader is deliberately taking the country in the wrong direction, he’d be warned one then twice… If he still chooses to not listen to the people who elected him, then the people will go to this leader and make sure that they are heard on the spot. If the leader gets cocky, the people will bring him out and deal with him accordingly…
Not putting any words here or anything.. But sometimes when words don’t make a difference anymore, then force becomes a necessity.
I guess force is what GB is proposing.. Although he wouldn’t be able to say that on the TV without being arrested and charged.
Just saying…” Me- This guy’s location….Toronto.
– “I say we agree to trade all the captive Muslims including the ones in GITMO, and pull all of our people out of Iraq and Afghanistan. Then we all put on some real strong sun block and turn the other cheek… (facing away from the bright flash) If they run shoot ‘em. They are terrorists. If the don’t run shoot ‘em; they are just well disciplined terrorists…”
– “vampires dont exist??
there are satanic sects out there that drink blood-human and animal\isnt that a definition of vampire-oce u take out the supernatural out -liek the flying abilities which could possible be tru because the enemy does have power of his own that he gives to his seerrvants!”
– “So Sodom and Gomorrah didn’t deserve what happened to them?”
– “Forcing a wife to have sex is not rape as her body already belongs to her husband.”
– “Regardless of the Bible[, you condemn slavery]? Do you then advocate making our ‘moral sense’ authoritative rather than the Bible?”
– “Ok, the other day I purchased a batman action figure toy with blue tint wings and the cool shoot em up things that go with. My 6 year old son was having a great time playing and came over to me to show off the toy. A couple of times I was looking at it and thought to myself how for some reason the toy reminded me of a demon, especially with the wings, and started to kind of wonder about these super hero toys being sold. I didn’t say anything but a few minutes lator my son (who accepted Christ when he was 41/2) came up to me and said, “Mom, doesn’t this toy look like a demon? It’s just wrong, I don’t want to have this toy because it’s actually a demon. It’s just wrong!”
– “I am sure you have noticed how terrible the news is. I get on-line to see the daily news and it is terrible. I have some old newspapers from the 60’s and the news was very very calm compared to what it is now. I wonder how bad it will get before Jesus comes and rescues us from all of this?”
– “Oh I hope He does come soon. This world is going down the toilet so fast. I know I shouldn’t fear, and I don’t for myself, but I have a wife and 8 year old son. It’s them that I don’t want harm to come to. I just can’t imagine what would happen if they showed up at our doors and said it’s time to go to the “camp”. With how many times I’ve written our congressman, written letters to the editor for our paper, belonging to multiple Christian and political websites as well as being an elder at our church, I’m sure I’m already red flagged. Well, at least I know my eternal security regardless what happens, and therein lies my hope and joy, that I will forever be with the Lord! But even so, come Lord Jesus, come! Right now would be good.”
– “I’ll take God’s book over my brain & think power any day!!”
– “I have always been afraid of Muslims. I remember the last time I flew (in ‘89 I think) I was on the plane and 2 men were sitting I think across the aisle talking in a foreign language. I was terrified that they were hijackers, and I was almost in tears the whole flight. In retrospect I think they may have been speaking French. But it was so scary for me at the time….”
– “Question. I am a saved person..I die and am an organ doner..eyes, liver, heart, lungs..you name it if they can use it they do..
my organs go into unsaved people..
The rapture happens..do my saved organs fly out of the unsaved people who are using them?..
With the thread on one of these boards (can’t remember which one) speaking of saved skeletons disappearing in Biology classes all over the world..I’m beginning to see the rapture in ways I never thought of before..”
ME-This was about Obama making a speech to school children..
– “Is it bad that I just want to cry? I seriously just want to go home. I’m so sick of Satan coming after our children!!!”
– “Beware of any reports of ‘human type’ life being discovered in space. At its worse, it will be a lie. At its best, it will be demon related in some way.”
– “Earth Day is part of the environmental/green movement which ultimately is a worship of nature. Christians should have nothing to do with this. That is not to say we should not try to be good stewards, but the environmental movement is ultimately anti-christ.”
– “In an unrelated note. I always carry a few nuts and bolts at amusement parks. after we get locked in the ride and start to move, I hold up a few of them and say to the person next to me look what just fell out of this thing. It is a great witnessing tool. Everytime I did that the person next to me started praying.”
Me- This thread was about why women dress so provocatively now……..
– “My answer to this is that they are trying desperately to fill a hole in which only Christ can fill.” -Me……um????
– “I don’t plan on going back to college anyway because everyone there is a Christian-hating communist. I don’t like to be places where I am not wanted. I’ll just be homeless or end up in prison. I don’t really care at this point.”
– “I think it is unfair to say people in their 20-40s are clueless. I am 29 years old, my husband is 35. I am extremely well informed on current world events and the evils of our President. Mostly thanks to rapture ready news, Rush, and Mike Savage.”
– “The septic system is just another invention and if it was needed God himself would have placed it on earth when he created all things that humans needed to live. All the inventions ever made do not improve apon Gods work as you can not improve perfection.”
– “I know as Christians we have to deal with a lot of evil in this world and we are never going to be totally sheltered from it, but to me homosexuality is one of the WORST evils out there because it is overpowering everything and it is being shoved down our throats left and right.” Me- maybe Frued was on to something after all.
Me- And one of my all time favorites from one of the stars of my new show…….
– “I have a one-hour commute daily and usually use my cruise control on the freeway. Lately, I have been thinking that if the rapture occurs (come quickly Lord Jesus) while I am driving, having my cruise control on may cause a non-believers death. Am I thinking too much, or should I use my right foot instead of the cruise control? Has anyone else thought of this?”
I swear to God that I didn’t make any of those up. If your interested in reading more for yourself just google RR BB and hit the first thing that comes up. (Rapture Ready). Please do not attempt to contact them or steal my show idea. I called ‘dibsies’ first. Once I get these quirky characters into a controlled/video ready environment I promise you that hilarity will indeed ensue. Stay tuned, on Friday I will reveal the reality show that is finally going to bring me Bruckheimer money!
Limbaugh……Oppressed by the Black Man
Limbaugh got screwed
The Oppressed
He didn’t get screwed in the good way, the kind he usually has to pay for. It comes as no surprise to anyone that Rush Limbaugh was dropped from a group bid to buy the St. Louis Rams. Roger Goodell and the NFL hierarchy have made an asinine decision and landed themselves in quite a kerfuffle of judicious right wing anger over this move. They simply folded under the weight of the liberal media and the black race-baiters. Sharpton and Jackson slammed the race card down like it was the final set in a jailhouse game of spades.
Ok, I was doing a Limbaugh-esqe shtick there; in other words…full-o-shit. But still, I think Rush would have been great for the NFL. This decision was so wrong on so many levels………
Limbaugh is an entertainer -Although I personally can’t stand the bald, bloated, ego-maniacal, drug-addicted, hypocritical, media whore, he is just playing a role. I don’t like Donald Trump either, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t own Miss America. And I mean that literally. I have to give Limbaugh his due respect in the fact that he is extremely intelligent and a terrific actor. He studied niche markets before it was the cool thing to do. He grabbed his red-neck, ignorant crowd, and his old, rich, frightened white man demographic by the balls, and he has made enough money to keep himself in opiates and KFC until the day he dies. His core audience is doing the equivalent of what a bunch of Italians pledging their undying allegiance to Michael Corleone would be doing. Limbaugh (or at least his ‘personality’) is a fictional character.
He most likely is a racist, but so was Marge Schott, so is Jerry Jones, and so are half of the old white men who own sports franchises. If controversy was a deciding factor in team ownership then Jay-Z, Mark Cuban and many others would never have had a shot. They are worried about their image? They let Vick, Ray Lewis and countless others come back after felony convictions for fuck’s sake!
Ticket Sales -Has the NFL learned nothing from Vince McMahon and the WWE? People either love, or love to hate a bad guy. It fills stadiums like magic. The Raiders and Al Davis have been way too pathetic to hate for years now, and the NFL needs an antihero. Not only are ticket and merchandise sales down in St. Louis, but in many other cities as well. Having the fat man as an owner would fill seats and raise television ratings with people hoping to see his team get crushed, or at least to see him OD.
Ticket Sales –With Limbaugh as an owner (and maybe Hannity as coach) the NFL would draw an entirely new demographic to the sport. This would successfully tap into the NASCAR and Tea Party niches. People who were always too scared to go to a game because of all the minorities, would now come in legion. The Natural Ice and corn dog concessions alone would be worth millions. Plus, imagine the pure entertainment value of having stadiums filled with these people………..
New Fans!
More New Fans!
Smart too!
Life Expectancy -Rush would have to spend a great deal of his time in St. Louis. This would keep him out of New York and Florida which are places that I might have to be. Plus he’d probably end up getting wiped off the face of the earth within a year. With his penchant for drugs, and St. Louis’s penchant for not fucking around, I’d give him between 5-7 months.
The NFL Played into His Chubby Hands –This is exactly what he wanted, counted on, and knew would happen. It gives him yet another platform to spew his vitriolic ramblings, and garners him even more support (money) from his loyal lemmings. If the NFL would have just played along, he probably would have just dropped out anyway. So please stop keeping the white man down!!
The Fountain of Wine II
Sultry women and dancing horses.
If you missed the first part of this post, you can read it here. After the old men miraculously got the three statues inside the second church, the fiesta kicked into high gear once again. The marching band went all stationary on our asses and played a long, kinda painful two hour concert at the second town square.
I was a lot more sympathetic to their musical ineptitude until I found out that they each get paid 300 Euros, plus food and lodging to travel around southern Spain playing gigs. That’s more money than most of the adults make around here at their full time jobs. It’s at least enough money to keep the kids in weed and I-Phones, because every break they’d fire one up and play with their apps.
The town does then provide another late dinner for the party-goers; a fine selection of paella and sausage from earlier. As tempting as this was, I just couldn’t stay up until 5:00am when it was finally served. Apparently most of the elderly men can drink me under the plastic folding table, because they were still staggering home when I got up at 8:00am.
The highlight of the fiesta came for me on Sunday night. There was an almost palpable change in atmosphere and energy. The entire town seemed to take a deep breath, sober up, and focus on the last event of the season; the flamenco dancers and horse show.
I begrudgingly allowed my wife to drag me away from the NFL updates, to what I was sure was going to be an alcohol infused donkey party. What I saw blew my doors off! Arriving at the soccer field, I saw more people than I’ve ever seen in Cadiar. Many of the children in the crowd were dressed as performers, the boys’ costumes resembling bull-fighting suits, and the girls in beautiful flamenco dresses. This alone was worth the price of admission considering that this was a free show. The entire place looked like a Normanello Rockwelli painting.
Then the action began with a flamenco dancer in the middle of the soccer field. If you’ve never seen this mainstay of Spanish culture, you are missing one of the most emotionally charged and powerful art forms in the world. For this occasion the woman was stunningly beautiful and sultry, with an aura of mystery and magic. The dance itself starts slow and methodically builds pace until she is moving in a frenetic blur of hands, feet, hair, and red dress. In the beginning of the first routine, four horses came barreling in from the four corners of the field. They were ridden by men with long fiery torches propped in front of them, as if on attack. The horses came to a screeching halt just as they reached the dancer.
Unfortunately my camera batteries had died before the first act, so I had to run home at full speed myself to replace them. So I wasn’t able to catch any of the coolest part of the show. There were four other performances which I was able to get small clips from. This video was the best I could do with a camera recorder and a quick edit. It does not do the show justice. At all.
The skilled riders and horses performed moves and stunts that I never thought possible. There were times that you believed the horses were seducing the dancers and other times that the dancers seemed to be hypnotizing the horses. The show was an unparalleled display of the animals’ natural power and grace. It reminded me of an equine Cirque du Soleil. This show was the most amazing experience I’ve enjoyed since moving here. If you ever get the opportunity, this is something that you really do have to see for yourself!!
