The Love God; The Art of Amends

You’ve really messed up your relationship this time. Maybe you’ve been caught cheating. Maybe you were arrested at a gay nightclub that you thought was just a really cool looking bar but turned out to be a high priced, all male bordello. Maybe you blew the lease payment on the over of the Colts/Saints game because they both had really explosive offences and sucky defenses but you somehow forgot that Peyton Manning was really just a giant blue and white clad vagina with a helmet. Maybe your longtime crack addiction was found out when you tried to sell your neighbor’s Dalmatian puppies and got arrested and when your wife was bailing you out of jail they asked her why she was bailing out the local prostitute-for-some-crack head guy so she asked you and you finally admitted that you happen to enjoy the occasion 8-ball of rock after a hard day of felatio.  

I still have two. Only $20. You’re girlfriend will love em, come on!

We’ve all been there before and probably more than once. Maybe even as the result of worse scenarios than the ones that have never happened to me but that I used as examples. Now you need to show her that you’re sorry and convince her that nothing ‘like this’ will ever happen again. Note that it is very important to lie convincingly in these situations. If you find that you need to, lie to yourself first. This way you’ll be more convincing. If you can’t lie like a real man, I mean.  

At this stage most men would buy their partner some roses. But most men are vaginas, just like that Peyton Manning. Big quarterbacking vaginas. What are roses other than a beautiful, delicate living thing that you pay someone else to sacrifice on the altar of forgiveness just so you won’t have to sauté your own chicken breasts and hang your own track suits? (That was rhetorical; you don’t really have to answer.)  

Well fuck that. You don’t need some other person to do your killing for you. You can do your own killing and on a grander scale! If you live in a rural area, you need to grab your shotgun from your pickup truck and go kill something. Now bring the carcass back like a cat (you are the cat in this scenario) would do to make its owner proud. The bigger the better. If you can kill and drag home a bear you are guaranteed forgiveness. This tactic will appeal to her subconscious, cavewoman-like craving for an alpha male. You are demonstrating that while you may gamble away the kid’s college fund, or pawn the household electronics for drug money, the family will always be stocked up in bear steaks and fireplace pelts.  

If you happen to live in an urban area just substitute ‘derelict’ for ‘bear’ and ‘body’ with ‘carcass’ and you have pretty much the same thing. Although the fireplace pelt won’t look as homey or be as comfy to have sex on as the bearskin, in all honesty.  

Not a good place for your naked ass.

Another option for gaining forgiveness is to offer her a bribe. Obviously this option isn’t quite as viable if you are a gambler or a crackhead because if that’s the case you’re pretty much broke. Why else would you have been prostituting yourself and selling stolen puppies? But if you do have money just ask her how much it’ll take to make it “like all this never happened?” It may surprise you how a little cash can buy you a lot of amends. This tactic will work especially well if your partner is a prostitute as well.      

Another idea is to take her on an impromptu vacation. This is a prudent course of action anyway if you’ve just murdered a derelict for sport. A word of caution though; if you are a gambler, a sex fiend or drug addict do NOT take her to Vegas, Morocco or Thailand, or you will wind up swimming upstream in a river of fucked. And not the good kind, believe me.  

Not a good destination for people like you.

Or you could simply introduce her to your world. This lazy but effective choice is perfect for leveling the playing field. If you are a crackhead simply start adding little pieces of crack to her cigarettes. She’ll be addicted in no time and *she will no longer be mad at you. *Although we’ve had preliminary success we need more extensive case studies before we can guarantee this result.      

The last option that I am personally aware of is to tell her that you’ve just found out from your doctor that you have an especially virulent, infectious and fast acting (I’m hoping all those medical words don’t mean the same thing) strain of AIDS and that she “definitely” has it too, and that you are both going to die within three months. Spend the next day or two being sensitive and giving her some space to process the news. When you sense that she has accepted her fate, look her in deeply in the eyes, flash your winningest smile and say, “Sike.”  

She’ll have a new lease on life and you’ll have next month’s lease money to play online poker.  

My screen name is Zodikllr. Like the zodiac killer? Because it sounds intimidating.

I’m going to address questions in the next Love God post so please give me some more. They need to be about anything relating to relationships and/or sex. You know that my advice can only help you and make the world a better place in the process, so what are you waiting for?