Zodi’s Blog

Letters of Clarification

Jesus to Everybody

 

Hey guys. I meant to get this letter out yesterday (hey, late happy magic bunny day!) but the waves were calling. They were breaking clean off Maui! Totally unexpected like. Then my boy Buddha stopped by and we got to smoking (it’s not like that chubby bastards getting up on a board anytime soon) ….. and the time just flew. You know how it is.

Anyway, I just wanted to clear up a few misconceptions that have been gathering around me like broke-ass alkies at my water to wine making shindigs. A lot of you guys have been pissing all over my hella good name for over 2 thousand years now. It’s getting old and I’m tired of you people harshing my buzz.

So what I wanted to do was set the record straight and answer a few questions you might have. Was my conception immaculate? What conception isn’t immaculate?  BadaBING! I’ll be here all millennia baby; don’t forget to tip your wait staff.

No, no, ok in all seriousness really. You people need to chill with the whole ‘everybody but us is going to hell na na na na na’ thing, it pisses me off. My only references to hell were to Gehenna which was a giant tire fire outside the town dump. I used a lot of metaphors….duh.

I’m getting really annoyed lately, and that doesn’t come naturally to me. I tried to keep my message child like and simple, like a James Patterson book. I thought I gave you something that would be impossible to screw up. But I guess some of you people could fuck up a Cup-a-Soup. (That was funny because you just microwave them. Making them hard to screw up..? Nevermind)

I spoke in all those beautiful parables so that you could all come join me by the light of your own consciousness. Now you people think everything was literal? If you can’t see that I’m a metaphorical speaker you should probably go back to common sense school. –What they don’t have that anymore?…damn.

Look people, I Am Enlightened, And So Can You Be! (Love that Colbert lol.) Every single thing I said points to enlightenment if you read my words without all of the preconceived notions. My entire life (and death, thank you so very much) was spent breaking down walls and barriers between man and God. I knew that it was never about rules or laws, only about what was in our hearts. I knew that a man could follow the law to a T and still be a complete dick. You can say and do all the right stuff and it doesn’t mean jack if your heart is filled with blackness, fear and hate.

I can’t comprehend how some of you people can use my name as a shield to be so negative and hateful. That is so NOT cool, and that’s not what I was ever about. You people could not get any further away from me than if you were in that tire fire. -get it now?

I told you not to judge others becau…. Look, I refuse to get into it all again here, I laid it out for you once and it was, frankly exhausting.  Yea, I complain a little I’m a Jew for Christ sakes. Hahahahaha, I love that line!

Anyway, just quit using my name to be mean. I don’t personally give a rat’s ass about politics, I freaking love the gays (Who doesn’t right? They throw hella parties) Believe it or not, I’m not the biggest fan of guns, church, wars, or even bibles. Not after the way people have misquoted me, and twisted all my shit up like that.

I’m going to leave you with some brand new commandments, and then I gotta go scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef with Cousteau… 

Respect and love as many people as your heart allows.

Never hurt anyone on purpose. If you do it by accident, make it right.

Don’t freaking judge. I’ve said this already.

Be nice. I mean it!

Don’t speak for me; you don’t know me like that. If you’re a dick, you best just keep my name out your mouth.

Bless Everything!

Peace out,

Jesus.

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April 5, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

39 Comments »

  1. Scott, a work of art and wisdom that will bring you justifiable praise and unjustified grief from the zealots. Batten down, incoming…

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | April 5, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m battened down and waiting patiently Dave. As long as they don’t put a bounty on my head like last time..

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 5, 2010 | Reply

  2. Well put. But what I want to know is, does Jesus really NEED a surfboard? His coolest trick should be boardless surfing.

    Comment by Mrs. D | April 5, 2010 | Reply

    • OMG, I never thought of that. Now I’m actually jealous of Jesus Christ. Is that wrong? Well, I guess if I’m good, he’ll teach me someday. Very cool thought.

      Thanks Mrs. D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 5, 2010 | Reply

  3. This is awesome. I hope Jesus was clear enough this time, so people will CALM down. 🙂

    Comment by EvilTwinsWife | April 5, 2010 | Reply

    • I still think they’ll ignore him to further their own insanities. Too bad tho. Maybe we should put some Xanex in the water supply or something?

      Thanks EvilTwinsWife!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 5, 2010 | Reply

      • I’m up for Xanax in the water supply!

        Comment by nursemyra | April 6, 2010 | Reply

        • Lets add an opiate too, just to be safe!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 6, 2010 | Reply

          • how about amphetamines once a week?

            Comment by nursemyra | April 6, 2010 | Reply

            • I already drink way too much coffee, but OK! I’m always up for a party.

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 7, 2010 | Reply

  4. boardless surfing! Mrs. D got that right

    This is exactly how I always thought the big J would speak, I knew I got him but those damn Nazi nuns messed with my head when I was a kid

    thanks for fixing all that

    Comment by dianne | April 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Tell me that wouldn’t be cooler than hell? Although I can body surf with the best of them. Damn, I’m still trying to compete with Jesus.

      Those Nazi nuns will (and anybody else who takes religion too far) will always be blind to the truth. Jesus was the original anti-establishment hippy.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 5, 2010 | Reply

  5. Awesome, bro. I did one on creationism and God talking to Adam and the invention of BBQ sauce. Think I pissed off a few people 🙂

    Comment by jammer5 | April 5, 2010 | Reply

  6. scott, what a great post! dave was right in his comment at madhatters: you “launched a cracker!” 🙂

    Comment by Lynn | April 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Ha, I’m going to have to find out what that means, but I think I appreciate it!

      Thanks Lynn!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 6, 2010 | Reply

  7. Well, if anything can be willingly misinterpreted (and somehow fashioned into a weapon), it’s the direct word of God/Jesus. Surfboard or no, they’ve been doing it for years.

    I thought this was beautifully done, Scott. It really makes Jesus’ message palatable and believable. Unfortunately, the entire New Testament did that (at least the Gospels), but God’s unneeded middlemen have been willing to go Old Testament at the slightest provocation.

    Jesus declared those days over, fools. Looks like I’ll have plenty of annoyingly self-righteous company when the rapture comes. I just need to keep my camera charged for all the slack-jawed expressions gracing the countenances (that’s a Bible word, yo) of those who thought they were “on the list.”

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | April 5, 2010 | Reply

    • With over 38 thousand denominations of Christianity worldwide, something must be getting misconstrued. I blame Paul. For being a dick.

      I think Jesus message was palatable and quiet beautiful, I just had to take another look at his exact words without some church lady’s voice all up in my ear screeching, “maybeeee……Satan.” Church ladies are dicks too.

      Especially if you glance at the hidden gospels, Thomas and such, you can see how much of Jesus’ teaching were about enlightenment and awareness. Which is pretty much the exact opposite of fundamentalist….anything.

      Maybe we should make some plans now. One week after the rapture You, me and Jesus makes three could meet up in Costa Rica and party like the world, the world, the world is on fire. We don’t give a fuck let the mother fucker burn……..

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 6, 2010 | Reply

  8. Really brilliant post dude.

    Could you ask Jesus about using his name in vain. I mean, I keep being old that I shouldn’t, but maybe some clarification would be ni .. oh hell, never mind. I don’t wanna piss him off.

    Comment by Jay | April 6, 2010 | Reply

    • Believe it or not Jay, I don’t think that bothers him nearly as much as when the people chanting and praying his name go about their daily lives. From what I heard he’s really pissed at Reverend Phelps.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 6, 2010 | Reply

  9. Jesus is one hip muthafuckah. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | April 6, 2010 | Reply

    • That he is Matt, that he is.

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 6, 2010 | Reply

  10. I rather like Jesus myself. And he’s probably down with your speechwriting because there’s alot of truth to it. Now I am off score some righteous tubes.

    Comment by Fundamental Jelly | April 6, 2010 | Reply

    • I like Jesus too. I don’t think these fundamentalist Christians would even let him in the door of their churches these days, let alone worship him..

      Man am I jealous of your locale. I’d have to drive almost to Portugal to find a wave.

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 6, 2010 | Reply

  11. Now THIS Jesus I like…

    Comment by Candice | April 6, 2010 | Reply

  12. This letter made my day, Scott. You are one of the most enlightened comedy Mensa I know…

    I could go on and on about the fundies and/or hypocrites who hide behind religion (it’s a sickness), but I think your tags say everything I was going to say, only less verbosely; “Jesus Christ, Just Be Nice.”

    Suffice to say, the next time I want to know “What would Jesus do?” I’m asking you…

    Comment by bschooled | April 6, 2010 | Reply

    • You’re right, it is a sickness. A scourge of the earth much, much worse than smallpox, Progeria, or Jumping Frenchman Disorder, and not nearly as funny. I have to thank you too; you’ve just inadvertently given me another idea for a blog!

      Feel free to ask me what any of the others would do too. I can tell you right off the bat that in 9/10 situations Buddha would chill, and Mohammad would lose his temper…(he can be a hothead.)

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 7, 2010 | Reply

  13. Brilliant. But — the dude walked on water, so no board required. And does ‘he’ really look like the dude from Counting Crows? Oh, never mind…..I was ‘forced’ into the role of the centurion at the reading of the gospel for Palm Sunday and our interim priest (a frustrated director) insisted we ‘read’ through our lines. I had to get up and to church by 10 on Saturday for ‘rehearsal’ –not a morning person, not wanting to drive an hour into town– I told Excy that I was SO tempted when my time came to jump up and exclaim, “The DINGO ate my baby” But then she’d have a heart-attack and it’d be on my head…..stupid to read that passion play anyway….thanks for the house comments….Excy did a great job of designing a house authentic to who we are and how we live……

    Comment by Amy Gray Light | April 6, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, I can body surf and board surf but I’m going to have to learn barefoot style from the master himself. The Counting Crows guy is close but not as ‘put together.’

      A church play sounds like it could be really interesting, especially if you’re willing to throw in Seinfeld quotes. And “Maybe the dingo ate your baby,” was one of the best lines ever uttered. If you ever do that be sure to record it. For me.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 7, 2010 | Reply

  14. Holy mother . . . and I don’t mean Mary. I need to read this entire thing tomorrow and get back, when I’m rested and ready. Whoa!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | April 7, 2010 | Reply

    • It sounds like you need a good chill. Do what Buddha always tells me to do and take a Xanex (or a Perc)take a bath, and take a nap. The 3 T’s!

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 7, 2010 | Reply

      • Thanks Scott . . . it did not disappoint! “I tried to keep my message child like and simple, like a James Patterson book.” HA! One of many great quotable quotes from the Maestro. Interesting to see the vatican back-peddling these days, again. Or not. At least Tiger ran with his own age group. Great post my friend!!!

        Comment by Dan McGinley | April 8, 2010 | Reply

  15. For the first time, like, ever, I feel a may be missing out on a thing or two about our man Jesus, for one, I like, had no idea that he surfed! That’s radical!

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | April 7, 2010 | Reply

    • I know, isn’t it awesome! He loves nature, shit he created it after all. I can’t figure out why the people think he’s against going green, he invented going green…

      Thanks RubyTwoShoes!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 7, 2010 | Reply

  16. Awesome! (but this must be the abridged version ’cause he didn’t go into his crucifix bit).

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | April 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I didn’t even know he had a crucufuxion bit…maybe I can find it on youtube?

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 12, 2010 | Reply


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