Letters of Clarification

Jesus to Everybody

 

Hey guys. I meant to get this letter out yesterday (hey, late happy magic bunny day!) but the waves were calling. They were breaking clean off Maui! Totally unexpected like. Then my boy Buddha stopped by and we got to smoking (it’s not like that chubby bastards getting up on a board anytime soon) ….. and the time just flew. You know how it is.

Anyway, I just wanted to clear up a few misconceptions that have been gathering around me like broke-ass alkies at my water to wine making shindigs. A lot of you guys have been pissing all over my hella good name for over 2 thousand years now. It’s getting old and I’m tired of you people harshing my buzz.

So what I wanted to do was set the record straight and answer a few questions you might have. Was my conception immaculate? What conception isn’t immaculate?  BadaBING! I’ll be here all millennia baby; don’t forget to tip your wait staff.

No, no, ok in all seriousness really. You people need to chill with the whole ‘everybody but us is going to hell na na na na na’ thing, it pisses me off. My only references to hell were to Gehenna which was a giant tire fire outside the town dump. I used a lot of metaphors….duh.

I’m getting really annoyed lately, and that doesn’t come naturally to me. I tried to keep my message child like and simple, like a James Patterson book. I thought I gave you something that would be impossible to screw up. But I guess some of you people could fuck up a Cup-a-Soup. (That was funny because you just microwave them. Making them hard to screw up..? Nevermind)

I spoke in all those beautiful parables so that you could all come join me by the light of your own consciousness. Now you people think everything was literal? If you can’t see that I’m a metaphorical speaker you should probably go back to common sense school. –What they don’t have that anymore?…damn.

Look people, I Am Enlightened, And So Can You Be! (Love that Colbert lol.) Every single thing I said points to enlightenment if you read my words without all of the preconceived notions. My entire life (and death, thank you so very much) was spent breaking down walls and barriers between man and God. I knew that it was never about rules or laws, only about what was in our hearts. I knew that a man could follow the law to a T and still be a complete dick. You can say and do all the right stuff and it doesn’t mean jack if your heart is filled with blackness, fear and hate.

I can’t comprehend how some of you people can use my name as a shield to be so negative and hateful. That is so NOT cool, and that’s not what I was ever about. You people could not get any further away from me than if you were in that tire fire. -get it now?

I told you not to judge others becau…. Look, I refuse to get into it all again here, I laid it out for you once and it was, frankly exhausting.  Yea, I complain a little I’m a Jew for Christ sakes. Hahahahaha, I love that line!

Anyway, just quit using my name to be mean. I don’t personally give a rat’s ass about politics, I freaking love the gays (Who doesn’t right? They throw hella parties) Believe it or not, I’m not the biggest fan of guns, church, wars, or even bibles. Not after the way people have misquoted me, and twisted all my shit up like that.

I’m going to leave you with some brand new commandments, and then I gotta go scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef with Cousteau… 

Respect and love as many people as your heart allows.

Never hurt anyone on purpose. If you do it by accident, make it right.

Don’t freaking judge. I’ve said this already.

Be nice. I mean it!

Don’t speak for me; you don’t know me like that. If you’re a dick, you best just keep my name out your mouth.

Bless Everything!

Peace out,

Jesus.