Zodi’s Blog

Rejected Penthouse Letters

I completely stole this idea from one of my favorite bloggers in the history of me having favorite blogs; the lovely, uber talented, and multifaceted (I think that means bendy, or maybe two faced, one of those) Bschooled. I figure now that she is getting published left, rightand center (and there are a lot more but this linky, codey stuff always ends up making me feel a little dizzy and light headed) she won’t notice my stealthy stealing.

This idea first came up about 9 months ago; I just haven’t gotten around to it until now. I have had, like, a lot going on in my life. It just didn’t necessarily involve getting published, writing or working. 

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I do guest appearances too. I’ll bring my wife the cripple if the money is good. We’ll have a laugh, yea?

Dear Penthouse,

It started out innocently enough. I was (and still am) a very attractive, second generation Italian American with a penchant for the ladies, and she was a fresh faced girl from the trailer park down the highway. The one on the other side of the IKEA and Denny’s. The one where they have the good meth but the shitty weed. Our affair was hot and steamy, and she would do things that my wife never would. Or maybe never could. Certainly never can now. The cripple that she is and all. God bless her. How can she give me a freaking blow job when she can’t even hold up the left side of her face? Where was I? This little chick was like really hot so I banged her. Several hundred times. In several thousand positions. At least.

When she told me that she was going to confront my wife I had visions of a hot, steamy threesome dancing in my brain. I thought it would start with a pillow fight and end with a tongue lashing, if you know what I mean! Then maybe afterwards we would all go out for foot-long meatball subs. From the Subway up the road. I got some coupons and everything. Then, maybe we’d grab some ice-cream. Ice-cream would be nice too. Yea! Well, when I found out that she had shot my wife in the face, I was shocked and more than a little turned on. She like… shot a bitch for me! In the face! That’s so freaking hot!

Joey Buttafuoco.

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The Rodrigo is beautiful! And Waxed! Yes?

Dearest Penthouse!

What an honor this is being! I am for loving this Penthouse and I am for being featured! I am so excited to be honoring!

I am now a sexy, Brazilian, bothsexual man named Rodrigo with limited bodily hairs. I am for the shaving and the waxing as you are imagining!

I met the ugly, monied, elderly, female woman at a locality of wealthiness which was for being the hair salon where I was for the styling of the monied, female headhair. But I am also very professional at the sex. If you say, “getting the monies for the sex is a professional” then I am the most professional in all of the sea level (up to the 500ft) lands of the Brazil. See?

I freakly seduced her with my styling technique. Every time I pull her bluewhite hair up (rougher than the learning way) I also was for grazing the neck with my knuckle! The womans all love the knuckle! This is too much for most of the monied women because their lovers and husbands are weak and unsightly and filled with the hair compared to the Rodrigo! They are all for being elderly and limpy! Yes?

I was then for taking her! So I travelled her to my place of sexiness and I dusted off the spidersilk from her labias! You would say in America!  My well hung tongue and slippery penis were for doing this greatly!

Rodrigo married the monied, elderly female (without the talking of prenup) and now is for living in splendor across Miami which is another steamy locality of wealth and sexiness and where I am also for sleeping with men and women who are for shaving and waxing of heat and sex while the ugly, elderly, monied, female wife is for the dying and Jesus meeting! Gods for thanking with the Xanex! Yes? 

I am now for being sorry my English is unperfect! You are free feeling to editor as you are deeming to be understanding! Yes?

Rodrigo Bubalou!

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Singing, “I touch myself…”

Dear Penthouse,

Houston, we had a problem from the moment I laid eyes on him in our NASA training program in Texas. The training quarters were tight and so was William’s gluteus maximus. As a matter of fact you could bounce quarters right off of his posterior. My *tang begins flowing just thinking about it. *Tang is astronaut code speak for vaginal secretions.   

We had a hot, steamy affair of a sexual nature for a short time while William was ending his marriage to his under-educated, slut wife. After he followed through and divorced the wench, I knew that we were destined to be together at least until the end of our natural lives. Being with him was a lot like being in an atmosphere with zero gravity in that I always felt so light and free. My spirit was soaring, metaphorically speaking of course.

After a few months of coitus without the excitement of marital infidelity he began to lose his focus and his attention and eyes began to wonder. At this point he also became verbally abusive to me (which was a slight turn on) saying things like, “Look you crazy bitch, I told you that it’s over” and “How in the hell did you get in my house?” and “I’m going to get a restraining order.” Like any committed partner I shouldered the burden (metaphorically speaking) of our relationship and tried to reignite our old flame (literally speaking) by handcuffing myself to his stainless, double door refrigerator after setting his house on fire. Unluckily the fire never got properly started and I ended up with egg on my face. Literally speaking. I had become quite hungry while sitting uncomfortably on his shitty linoleum… literally speaking.. nevermind. But all of my efforts seemed to be wasted as he would only give me the time of day in military hours and with a harsh, unforgiving tone.

After William pretended to be interested in a whore, bitch-slut with a slight frame, I knew that I had to do something. So I threw on a time saving diaper, grabbed a bb gun, some rubber tubing, a black wig and some pepper spray and drove to Orlando International Airport. My plan, which was publically foiled, was simply to kidnap and torture the woman until she agreed to find another source of employment and another source of sexual satisfaction.

After this, I was planning to drive back to Houston and surprise William with wild animal like sex while keeping my emotions firmly in check.

P.S. – Would a representative from this fine publication please consider penning a letter on my behalf to the judge as well as the state’s attorney for the state of Florida, simply stating in no uncertain terms that you find me to be emotionally stable and quite sane? Please.

Sincerly,

Lisa Nowak

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August 6, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

63 Comments »

  1. Was Joeys letter a Penthouse letter or a jail house confession?

    Comment by Bearman | August 6, 2010 | Reply

    • It was just another rejected Penthouse letter. I didn’t know Joey ever wound up doing time? Selling X maybe?

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 6, 2010 | Reply

      • Didn’t know???

        Buttafuoco pleaded guilty to one count of statutory rape (amy fisher) and served four months in jail.
        In 1995, he pleaded no contest to a solicitation of prostitution charge and was fined and placed on probation for two years.
        In 2004, he was sentenced to a year in jail and five years of probation after pleading guilty to auto insurance fraud.
        In August 2005, he was charged with illegal possession of ammunition owing to his convicted felon status. Probation officers found the ammunition during a search of his home. He pleaded no contest and began serving his sentence on Jan. 8, 2007.[4] He was released on April 28, 2007.[5]

        Comment by bearman | August 10, 2010 | Reply

        • Wow Bearman, if you ever get tired of cartoons you can easily swap over to the crime beat. You have this stuff covered like Wiki, thanks!

          A four time loser huh? But he seemed like such a nice guy…

          Thanks Bearman!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2010 | Reply

  2. ” she won’t notice my stealthy stealing.”

    Oh. its noticed. THEY’RE WATCHING YOU, SCOTT. THEY’RE ALWAYS WATCHING!

    *cough*

    uh. where was i? OH, thats right. Im stealing your brazillian chap to do something somewhere on my blog. Where? I dont know. But at least you’re well informed that I’m stealing characters from your writing. Think of it as “paying homage” or just outright “plagiarism”.

    ;D

    -Rick

    Comment by Rick Jones | August 6, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s what I keep telling my doctors but they refuse to up my prescriptions. I’m not sure why they can’t understand that I function much better on a morphine drip.

      Don’t worry Rick I consider it the highest form of flattery and the beginnings of beautiful friendships. Looking forward to what you do with him! Wait, does homage come with cash?

      Thanks Rick!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 6, 2010 | Reply

  3. Oh,I am soooooooo out of the loop (don’t watch enough trash tv) I don’t think I’ve heard of the Rodrigo. Lovely letters though 😉

    Comment by Reb | August 6, 2010 | Reply

    • Although Rodrigo (pictured) was originally on Big Brother UK, I merely stole his accent and his face and ran with it. I’m sure he understands…

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 6, 2010 | Reply

  4. Now that is funny.

    Dear Penthouse,
    It started out as a pleasant day, sun shining, dogs being walked, a few tourists being robbed. Then nature called, and everything turned beautiful. I walked into the park’s bathroom and took a seat in the last stall. I heard the door of the stall next to me open and close, and a foot snuck under the partition separating us.

    I recognized the movements of the foot as a variation of the waga-waga two step, and replied in kind. We joined up for a wonderful romantic interlude which lasted over an hour and made me late for conference, but it was damn well worth it. I’ve never felt so satisfied in my life.
    Signed
    Larry Craig

    Comment by jammer5 | August 6, 2010 | Reply

    • Don’t go stealing all of my ideas Jammer. These posts have to last, damnit!

      That’s ok, you just brought back a dozen news stories I’d forgotten about, so it’s all good.

      The waga-waga two step huh? I’ll have to try that.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 7, 2010 | Reply

      • Believe it or not, I was thinking about a post along very similar lines, using the answer slut as the vehicle. Evidently great minds do think alike 🙂

        Comment by jammer5 | August 7, 2010 | Reply

        • I’m sure that the answer slut is used to being rode by now.

          Can’t wait to see it!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 7, 2010 | Reply

          • I’d planned on posting it later, but you/me forced my/your hand 🙂

            Comment by jammer5 | August 8, 2010 | Reply

            • Surprisingly that’s not the first time I’ve heard that.

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 10, 2010 | Reply

  5. Oh this is good. True story: When I was working in that seaside bar, there was this incredibly fat young lady who had letters published in Penthouse. It was a hobby for her to write steamy, sexy letters and get published. I never remember her being smart or sober, just obnoxious as hell. So there ya go. The picture of Joey Butta-face was a priceless ode to mullets, and a reminder of all that is wrong with the freakin’ universe. And now . . . NOW you got me thinking up dastardly letters for the Rapture freak’s postings. Inspirational!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | August 7, 2010 | Reply

    • I have no doubt that they are all written by people who will never get laid. As a fairly attractive man I should think that something at least similar to one of those stories, at least in the same ballpark, or the same sport as those stories would have happened to me, just one time in my life. But no. Never even close.

      I’ve gotten kicked off of RR 2 or 3 times. Good luck and God speed man!

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 7, 2010 | Reply

  6. I’m surprised those letters were rejected by Penthouse. They’re much better than what is normally published. Not that I read such stuff.

    Comment by Jay | August 7, 2010 | Reply

    • I agree (not that I’ve ever read them either, mind you) because their usual tribe is so predictable. Not that Joey or Lisa’s story wasn’t but…

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 7, 2010 | Reply

  7. I wish someone would dust the spider silk from my labia

    Comment by nursemyra | August 7, 2010 | Reply

    • I know many a man who would be honored and thrilled for a crack at your labia!

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 7, 2010 | Reply

  8. Dear Bloggy man who publish the letter of the Rodrigo with no permision on the internets,

    I dont make much happy with you publish my letter to the penthorse. You steal and steal makes the Rodrigo and Tang Pussy Lady mad (Tang Puss and the Rodrigo make -how yous peoples say? -the penpalling because she in the prison and can’t make use of the Rodrigo. It makes the good my monied female wife no knows how you uses the internets or you make me into troubles with her and I have good happy life in Miami with the mans and womans.

    You just have the jelosy you not The Rodrigo. I invent the sex and the womans and mens alls want me no you. Look at my body, then you looks at you. You have much hairs and I have smooth no hairs. I have the sexy. You dreams of me being you.
    I have much kindness and make nice, yes? You need help make the sexy man? You comes here and I make you smooth and the sexy like me. I heat the wax, pluck the eye bros, and give you all over spray tans so yous looks Brasil also much. We haves much fun you and the Rodrigo.
    One question, permit me? Are you bothsexual or onesex? I just ask.
    See you soon I make hope,
    The Rodrigo

    Comment by Lisa | August 7, 2010 | Reply

    • Ha ha ha hilarious Lisa. You did a masterful job with his accent (you just need more past/present tense confusion and to use ‘for’ as almost every verb); you are almost ready for a little literary plagiarism of a fictional character, based off a real character who is probably going to sue us all. Maybe I should have used the photo of Bubalou Solcray(?) the UFC light middleweight bad ass. He’d be much less likely to accidentally find this. But I guess if he did, the consequences would be even worse. Being that he is a professional fighter and all.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 7, 2010 | Reply

  9. That does it, I’m off Tang for a week or two now. A person can have too many bodily secretions. Bea is one of the brighter lights of the internet (as are you, my faraway friend that is unknown to me), and I was very pleased to find that she had links, and that you saw fit to post them. I especially enjoyed left.

    Comment by Cooper Green | August 7, 2010 | Reply

    • I remember how big my great uncle Willie was on Tang, and I felt something was ‘just wrong’ with the drink from that point on. Stephen King could write a good 700 pages about just how wrong it actually is.

      Our Bea is going places. Those are some coattails that I have no qualms about riding. –True story.

      Thanks Cooper!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 7, 2010 | Reply

  10. ok…im in stitches from laughter this was too funny.

    ive never read the penthouse magazine articles or letters…i buy it for the pictures..

    hehe

    Comment by Susi Spice | August 7, 2010 | Reply

    • That means that you should be drinking more water. Seriously.

      Penthouse pictures are nice and glossy, everything is shiny and clean. They are good porn people for sure!

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 8, 2010 | Reply

  11. LOL! (And I hardly EVER do that!)

    Seriously, this post is my new favorite thing. (Even if you hadn’t given me all those wonderful compliments, though I do admit it added a certain “je ne sais quoi”…but not the kind FJ posted.)

    Had I known Rodrigo was so baby-faced and limited in body hairs, I would have set him up with my Auntie D. Not only was she ugly and monied (back before she died last week), she had tons of ESL books she kept in her bookmobile to entice foreigners with.

    I do have a question, though…what exactly does Joey mean by a pillow fight-turned-tongue lashing? And is “coupons” his code word for “something other than coupons”?

    If you could let me know that would be great. (But only because I’m curious.)

    thank you, Scott. For the props AND for making me fall in love with Penthouse, all over again.

    (?)

    Comment by bschooled | August 7, 2010 | Reply

    • Well thank you for thanking me. I’d better stop before we get into a ‘circle of thanks’ which would then never stop until one of us were dead. It would be like a gang war but with politeness instead of bullets.

      The only two problems I have with je nais se quoi is that I can never spell it (my Word is really prejudiced against foreigners too), and I can never put my finger on quite what it is. I know when it’s there and I know when it’s missing (I think it left with panache) but I couldn’t tell you what it ever was. Maybe FJ should come on as a consultant…

      I think Joey meant that he hoped that Amy and his wife would kneel on the bed clad only in lingerie, and playfully slap each other with pillows while seductively tossing their hair about. Joey was then hoping that they would perform oral sex on each other and then him. But I’m only guessing her, mind you. I can’t actually speak for Joey.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 8, 2010 | Reply

  12. The Rodrigo one cracked me up! You write broken english very well. And Joey. Gah can that guy get any uglier? Looks like he got hit with a wall.
    You’ve officially ruined Tang for me, now. Not that I’d had it in years or anything, but if I ever did want it, I sure as heck don’t now.
    You should send Penthouse the Rodrigo one. I bet you get a very nice rejection letter.

    Comment by Amy | August 7, 2010 | Reply

    • You’d be appalled if you knew how long that took me to keep the errors consistent. It’s extremely difficult to write English that badly. But it is so much fun.

      No, Joey could not possibly get any uglier, inside or out. It looks like he got slapped in the face with swine flu.

      You must have noticed how damn tangy Tang is. You can’t trust those astronauts Amy; for all we know they staged the whole Nowak thing for their precious publicity.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 8, 2010 | Reply

  13. Sorry, I’m laughing too hard at the Rodrigo letter to be able to make a rational comment!

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | August 7, 2010 | Reply

    • The Rodrigo needs his own blog soon I think!

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 8, 2010 | Reply

  14. Well this is the second time I’ve seen you mention this Rodrigo and I have no idea who he is! Should I Google? Will the SafeSearch mess me up?

    Comment by Megan @Momlarky | August 7, 2010 | Reply

    • He was originally a character on Big Brother UK and I kind of added to his character. Rodrigo is my bliss!

      Thanks Megan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 8, 2010 | Reply

  15. Just popping over from Candice’s blog. Very Funny, glad I stopped by… gonna poke around a bit.

    Comment by Siren | August 8, 2010 | Reply

    • Well have fun poking around but be careful with my colon, it’s still all wound up from anxiety and poking.

      Glad you came by; I’d love to see you again!

      Thanks Siren!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 8, 2010 | Reply

  16. he think englishes for turns him bothsexual, no? http://www.unrealitytv.co.uk/big-brother/big-brother-2009-rodrigo/

    Comment by Lisa | August 8, 2010 | Reply

    • Yep, that was the original Rodrigo. He has changed quite a bit since he started hanging around with me though.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 8, 2010 | Reply

  17. So it is official: I live under a rock. I had NO idea who any of these people were or the fuck up things they were known for, and the penny only dropped in the last letter when I was finally forced to turn to Master Google…
    I have to say though, the letters held up remarkably well despite my lack of background knowledge, and it all served as a double dose of entertainment because not only did I get your fantabulous letters, I also learnt that along with diaper wearing, knife brandishing and kidnapping – Lisa Nowak also enjoys playing the piano….

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | August 8, 2010 | Reply

    • I feel you on that Ruby, if it weren’t for google it would be even more obvious how ignorant I am. Sure, you may not know about American scumbag celebrities but I didn’t know that Africa is not just a country but a huge island like area filled with countries until I googled it.

      Don’t worry although I sometimes mix in a celebrity, the majority of these letters will be from your average Joe and Joanna, the local transvestite couple who lives up the road. I’m trying to focus a little more on writing (and transvestites) than clever witticisms.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 8, 2010 | Reply

  18. haha—for some reason, the caption under that Sasstronaut is probably making me laugh more than it should…Now if yo’ll excuse me, I need to go throw Tang on my grocery list before I forget…

    Dear Penthouse,

    I saw her in the Tang aisle…She was unclothed—as was I…

    Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau | August 8, 2010 | Reply

    • I never used to care for Tang at all. But for some reason after writing this post, and knowing I can’t get any extra Tang in Spain, I’m craving it like mad.

      Ahh some future material!

      Thanks Ron!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 9, 2010 | Reply

  19. If George Washington had been Italian, he would have been Joey Buttafuco. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | August 9, 2010 | Reply

    • I hadn’t noticed that until now. You have a good eye.

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 9, 2010 | Reply

  20. Joey B makes me all itchy and creeped out in a herpes, STD, bad breath, bodies hidden in the dumpster kind of way
    I grew up with all the Joeys any one person should ever encounter

    I love the Rodrigo letter. The grammar is perfect, it flows so Spanishly

    Comment by dianne | August 9, 2010 | Reply

    • I know exactly what you mean Dianne and I did to. Pittsbursh isn’t all that different from Jersey when it comes to Joeys..

      Spanishy is fun!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 10, 2010 | Reply

  21. Buttafuoco !!!! (I love sayin’ that)

    The guy’s STILL got ONE HELL of a mullet !

    Comment by Heff | August 9, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea forget Prince, He’s Got the Look.

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 10, 2010 | Reply

  22. Yes, bschooled is all that and she has a kickass pony-tail as well.

    These are funny Scott (I always type Scoot by mistake, but have managed to edit them before I hit the submit button).

    If funny had a picture in the dictionary, it would have your photo in it. Way to go Scoot. (shit)

    Comment by Fundamental Jelly | August 10, 2010 | Reply

    • Haha! “Scoot” makes me laugh.

      (Because it sounds funny when I say it in my head.)

      Comment by bschooled | August 10, 2010 | Reply

      • I always wondered why girls always laughed at me when I asked them to ‘say my name.’ Huh.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Damn I should have remembered to link to her kick-ass pony tail, damn.

      You’ve hit upon other childhood nicknames that I had, scoot and scooter. I think they come with the territory when you name a baby Scott though, yea?

      I do look funny, even CLOWNS think so.

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2010 | Reply

  23. Dearest Penthorse,
    I needs for me to to tell you of my bloggy man very sexy and how I make for a mistake in the judgings. You sees, I knows he keeps for the subscribings the Penthorse for the articles when his female wife makes for the headaching, yes? He may reads this and make for the forgiving of The Rodrigo I hope.

    OK, my bloggy man more sexy come all here long far away to visit The Rodrigo to Florida because I makes promise for him I make him sexy man hot like The Rodrigo. But I knows my elderly monied female wife no understanding so I takes him to fine hotel called Super the 8 to make him for the sexy.
    “By favor, Mr. Bloggy Man,” I make for to say to him, “You takes clothes off, yes?”
    “No ways” say the Bloggy Man to I, The Rodrigo! Can you believes?
    “But you must haves no clothes for treatment for to make you sexys for the mans and the womans, yes?”
    “I no knows for this,” says Mr. Bloggy Man. “I no onesexual. I make for the sexy for my female wife.”
    I sees he is in the nile that no wants to makes sexy for the both sexes.
    “Is OK, is OK to be a bothsexual like The Rodrigo, or no, like man super the macho. Me understand.” He is sitting in the bed looking for the sad and thinkful. I runs my fist through his hairs and say how ok he is. “But, who you wants for the loving thinks for you have hair too much on the body. I wants you to make for you beautiful sexy bloggy man for any sex, yes?”
    “You does that for me?” he ask.
    “Clearly that yes!” I make for happy little dancing over floor. I stops. “You takes clothes off now?”
    I takes one look at Mr. Bloggy Man with the no clothings. I makes for to shriek.
    “What hell matters for you?” He ask.
    “You have to many hairs!”
    “Well for shit, man.. I thinks I just average for hairs.”
    “Maybe for the America and the Spain that makes for normal.” I turns my pretty little nose up at silly American Bloggy Man. “No makes flies in my Brasil. No makes flies in The Rodrigo!” I spits on floor to emphasis.
    “Oh, that makes for gross, man!” He look like he make for clothings, but I grabs thems. “Give backs me my clothings, little bitch!”
    “Eh? Clearly that makes for no. Just makes for listens to me by favors please.”
    “What then,” says the Bloggy Man. He nearly metre bigger as me and he looks like he have much the anger at The Rodrigo.
    “I can makes you the beautiful man most sexy if you let me for you. The womans all thinks you for sexy after I do you.” And the mans also, but I thinks to myself I may keeps that in my head for now. For some mens the metrosexual and the bothsexual are hid to finds more later. I decides I helps him hunts for later and thens I tells him the womans all for the liking the bothsexuals. They finds it makes for much sexy…I wants to tell him but insteads I takes out the hot wax.
    “Does that have the hurt?” he asks and looks at the door with much the longing.
    “Eh, what? Clearly that no! Well, just tiny little pinches at the first, but no problems very shortly. You makes for the use to it very soon and no hurts it all I make promise.”
    “Fine. Just gets it over.” He makes for to sigh. “I hopes my wife likes it.”
    “Clearly that is for yes. Nows you just lays back and The Rodrigo fixes everythings. I just sets this wax a down on bed table and now I takes off my clothings.” I takes off my shirt so he may basks in the results for my works, my perfect torso, smooth much uber sexy. I starts for to remove my much short much tight shorts. Very much for style this year.
    “What for fuck?!” He makes for yelling louds enough for all the Super the 8 to hears.
    I stops and looks at him for to question. “I just wants to not gets much waxes on my clothings. My married female wife might make much fuss I make a mess of 500 dollars shorts.But if it much deal for you I no takes off the shorts. But if you likes, I can shows you much fast the areas around my happy stick so you gets idea how you looks after I do you.”
    “Fuck no!” He makes for screams at The Rodrigo. These Americans much to fond for the yelling, the swearing, and for the being the prude. But I makes for to pleasure my customers, so I mention happy glory stick no more. We both mans. I no see big for the deal any the way.

    So we starts and there he go the screaming and making the curses again. “OH FOR THE SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!” and such sillies. For big man super macho he make lot of noises when I pulls off the waxing. I sure my married female elderly wife hears him from her balcony 4 kilometres aways and she near the deaf. Especially when I do around his man stuffs.
    But I finally done that, front and the back. No more mustache goaty for uber macho man. I fixes him good. Bye the bye eye bros. I will fix him new eye bros with seductive slants making for man of mystery with my pencil of eyes….after I spray all over tan for him.
    “Bad part over now, Mr. Bloggy Man. I makes for finishes you now. Please by favor, stand.”

    So he makes for to stand and I spray him all over the tan, very sexy. “It dry in the 5 minutes.”
    But only taking 2 minutes for me to see something not so right. Instead of beautiful bronze Brasil man color I hope for, he is making a much red color!
    “Is it normal for me to make much itch after tan spray?” He ask, “and for make swelling?”
    “Eh…yes?” I make for answer and keep the watch as white man go all red and skin go plump like riped tomato.
    But for the worse, his man stick keep growing and the widening. It was like my best favorite dream turn into my worst nightmare!
    He soon starts for scratching so much hard like he trying to rip his skin off of himself. “Gets it off! Gets it off!”
    He runs to the bathsroom and takes to the shower. Throughs water shower I hears him yelling for me to calls the 911.
    “OK, Mr. Bloggy Man!” But for then I starts to have the panic. One problem with having much panic: The Rodrigo forgets the English speaking and goes back to the Portuguese of my native Brasil. I tells lady over and the over in the Portuguese that I near kill a bloggy man and needs for an ambulance before his penis makes for the exploding, but she no understand. Finally Spanish speaker dispatch understand I at Super the 8 because we have similar tongue, no?
    I hears Mr. Bloggy Man still in shower. He have much anger at The Rodrigo. How is I to know he have the allergy of the tan spray? He say he going to kill me and dig up my body so he can make for to sue me, then to kills me again! The Rodrigo makes decision to takes me away to safe home in gated community of the monied elderly female wife, so when ambulance be seen I goes away. I never sees Mr. Bloggy Man again, but I hopes after much Benadryl in hospital he seen how he now be the man most sexy for the womans and the mans, hairless, very much the perfect man.
    If you are reading this Penthorse letter, Mr. Bloggy Man, no more feeling hard at The Rodrigo, please.
    Thanks for the time, Penthorse!
    With much gratitude,
    The Rodrigo

    Comment by Lisa | August 10, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow this was really something something Lisa. I can see that you put a lot of thought into our mutual friend and my hope is that you’ve found him to be as delightfully effervescent (I think that means stomach ache reliefy) as I have. I also hope that he gave you a kind of sexual healing that has not been witnessed since Ron Jeremy played the great physician Jonas Salk in ‘Polio Me.’

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2010 | Reply

      • Ron Jeremy? Now that is someone would take the rodrigo much time to work on. I told Rod, as I like to call him, you ain’t putting none of the wax on me, sir. Then I gave him 3 dollars for the sex, but then i chickened out and we went to KFC instead and he told me about this months issue of Cosmo. It was great!

        Comment by Lisa | August 11, 2010 | Reply

  24. […] I completely stole this idea from one of my favorite bloggers in the history of me having favorite blogs; the lovely, uber talented, and multifaceted (I think that means bendy, or maybe two faced, one of those) Bschooled. I figure now that she is getting published left, right, and center (and there are a lot more but this linky, codey stuff always ends up making me feel a little dizzy and light headed) she won't notice my stealthy stealing. This … Read More […]

    Pingback by Rejected Penthouse Letters (via Zodi’s Blog) Look for my comments/screwed up story in the comment section, please! « Ocdbloggergirl's Blog: OCD, Life, and Other Misunderstandings | August 10, 2010 | Reply

  25. I think Lisa Nowak should be taking a cut in all the astronaut diapers sold after she enlightened the public on the convenience and durability of them. I for one, found them a treat for my long haul trip to London. I just shat while watching the inflight movies. It’s a bitch having to pause.

    Comment by frigginloon | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • I know, I just love them as well. But I think I use them slightly differently. I use them all day every day and only take them off when I need a spanking for being a bad, bad boy. Your way sounds awesome though, I hate pausing movies.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2010 | Reply

      • Damn isn’t it awesome when you learn something new every day? Huggies, here I come . . . well not literally . . . like not right now anyway.

        Comment by jammer5 | August 11, 2010 | Reply

        • We all have it to look foward to Jammer!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2010 | Reply

  26. When I tried to access your blog at work today, it was blocked and classified as “Pornography.” I suspect this post is the culprit.

    Of course, I had to run home on my lunch to see. =)

    Comment by thoughtsappear | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Really? Shit, seriously? That is so not cool. I’ve never even shown an … anything. Still, I very much appreciate your fortitude!

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  27. Scott,

    You won’t believe this but I went to school with “Bill Oefelein”…yes, we graduated together. I knew him in school, but he was nerdy and shy back then (he was destined to be an astronaut.

    I also graduated with the sister of “Steve Letourneau”…you know the one where his teacher wife (Mary Kay LeTourneau in Wa. State), slept with her student.

    I keep seeing all these freaky news blips of people I knew in school….lol! You didn’t know all the freaks are from Alaska did you? Oh, yes….do some research…all the criminals like to live there….to “get off the radar” so to speak. Lots of crime there.

    Comment by trishothinks | August 19, 2010 | Reply


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