Rejected Penthouse Letters

I completely stole this idea from one of my favorite bloggers in the history of me having favorite blogs; the lovely, uber talented, and multifaceted (I think that means bendy, or maybe two faced, one of those) Bschooled. I figure now that she is getting published left, right, and center (and there are a lot more but this linky, codey stuff always ends up making me feel a little dizzy and light headed) she won’t notice my stealthy stealing.

This idea first came up about 9 months ago; I just haven’t gotten around to it until now. I have had, like, a lot going on in my life. It just didn’t necessarily involve getting published, writing or working. 

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I do guest appearances too. I’ll bring my wife the cripple if the money is good. We’ll have a laugh, yea?

Dear Penthouse,

It started out innocently enough. I was (and still am) a very attractive, second generation Italian American with a penchant for the ladies, and she was a fresh faced girl from the trailer park down the highway. The one on the other side of the IKEA and Denny’s. The one where they have the good meth but the shitty weed. Our affair was hot and steamy, and she would do things that my wife never would. Or maybe never could. Certainly never can now. The cripple that she is and all. God bless her. How can she give me a freaking blow job when she can’t even hold up the left side of her face? Where was I? This little chick was like really hot so I banged her. Several hundred times. In several thousand positions. At least.

When she told me that she was going to confront my wife I had visions of a hot, steamy threesome dancing in my brain. I thought it would start with a pillow fight and end with a tongue lashing, if you know what I mean! Then maybe afterwards we would all go out for foot-long meatball subs. From the Subway up the road. I got some coupons and everything. Then, maybe we’d grab some ice-cream. Ice-cream would be nice too. Yea! Well, when I found out that she had shot my wife in the face, I was shocked and more than a little turned on. She like… shot a bitch for me! In the face! That’s so freaking hot!

Joey Buttafuoco.

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The Rodrigo is beautiful! And Waxed! Yes?

Dearest Penthouse!

What an honor this is being! I am for loving this Penthouse and I am for being featured! I am so excited to be honoring!

I am now a sexy, Brazilian, bothsexual man named Rodrigo with limited bodily hairs. I am for the shaving and the waxing as you are imagining!

I met the ugly, monied, elderly, female woman at a locality of wealthiness which was for being the hair salon where I was for the styling of the monied, female headhair. But I am also very professional at the sex. If you say, “getting the monies for the sex is a professional” then I am the most professional in all of the sea level (up to the 500ft) lands of the Brazil. See?

I freakly seduced her with my styling technique. Every time I pull her bluewhite hair up (rougher than the learning way) I also was for grazing the neck with my knuckle! The womans all love the knuckle! This is too much for most of the monied women because their lovers and husbands are weak and unsightly and filled with the hair compared to the Rodrigo! They are all for being elderly and limpy! Yes?

I was then for taking her! So I travelled her to my place of sexiness and I dusted off the spidersilk from her labias! You would say in America!  My well hung tongue and slippery penis were for doing this greatly!

Rodrigo married the monied, elderly female (without the talking of prenup) and now is for living in splendor across Miami which is another steamy locality of wealth and sexiness and where I am also for sleeping with men and women who are for shaving and waxing of heat and sex while the ugly, elderly, monied, female wife is for the dying and Jesus meeting! Gods for thanking with the Xanex! Yes? 

I am now for being sorry my English is unperfect! You are free feeling to editor as you are deeming to be understanding! Yes?

Rodrigo Bubalou!

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Singing, “I touch myself…”

Dear Penthouse,

Houston, we had a problem from the moment I laid eyes on him in our NASA training program in Texas. The training quarters were tight and so was William’s gluteus maximus. As a matter of fact you could bounce quarters right off of his posterior. My *tang begins flowing just thinking about it. *Tang is astronaut code speak for vaginal secretions.   

We had a hot, steamy affair of a sexual nature for a short time while William was ending his marriage to his under-educated, slut wife. After he followed through and divorced the wench, I knew that we were destined to be together at least until the end of our natural lives. Being with him was a lot like being in an atmosphere with zero gravity in that I always felt so light and free. My spirit was soaring, metaphorically speaking of course.

After a few months of coitus without the excitement of marital infidelity he began to lose his focus and his attention and eyes began to wonder. At this point he also became verbally abusive to me (which was a slight turn on) saying things like, “Look you crazy bitch, I told you that it’s over” and “How in the hell did you get in my house?” and “I’m going to get a restraining order.” Like any committed partner I shouldered the burden (metaphorically speaking) of our relationship and tried to reignite our old flame (literally speaking) by handcuffing myself to his stainless, double door refrigerator after setting his house on fire. Unluckily the fire never got properly started and I ended up with egg on my face. Literally speaking. I had become quite hungry while sitting uncomfortably on his shitty linoleum… literally speaking.. nevermind. But all of my efforts seemed to be wasted as he would only give me the time of day in military hours and with a harsh, unforgiving tone.

After William pretended to be interested in a whore, bitch-slut with a slight frame, I knew that I had to do something. So I threw on a time saving diaper, grabbed a bb gun, some rubber tubing, a black wig and some pepper spray and drove to Orlando International Airport. My plan, which was publically foiled, was simply to kidnap and torture the woman until she agreed to find another source of employment and another source of sexual satisfaction.

After this, I was planning to drive back to Houston and surprise William with wild animal like sex while keeping my emotions firmly in check.

P.S. – Would a representative from this fine publication please consider penning a letter on my behalf to the judge as well as the state’s attorney for the state of Florida, simply stating in no uncertain terms that you find me to be emotionally stable and quite sane? Please.

Sincerly,

Lisa Nowak