Very Serious Questions

I’m going to Paris tomorrow morning so I won’t be around for a little over a week. I won’t be setting foot anywhere near an internet if I can help it. What I will be doing is looking for the eccentric millionaire widow that will keep me ‘kept,’ since I never did find her in Florence. She was there but I think she was just playing it cool and biding her time until I went to Paris so she could sink her hooks into me in La Ville-Lumière. I also plan to find out how Jim Morrison really died as well. My preliminary opinion is that he was murdered by heroin loving aliens that were conjured (do you conjure an alien?) by his witch girlfriend Patricia Kennealy. Like an intergalactic hit. Or maybe it had something to do with Che Guevara. The point is, I’m going to find out.

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He’s trying to tell us something with his beardy squinting. I think….Che?

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So for today I’m going to keep it simple. This may seem like a quick, cheap post that kept me from having to actually think about what I was typing. I can assure you that it is. But it’s also important because these questions have been bothering me anywhere from 30 years to 5 minutes ago. If any of you are able to answer any of these questions then you will be awarded 10 points per answer. You will have to use the honor system sinse I don’t know if you are right or not. So if you know you’re right, then you give yourself the points. Whoever has the most points at the end of the game fucking WINS! You will be the Winner. And you can’t beat that with stupid cash money!  

-Are old men really that judgmental or does dying just hurt like hell and cause them to grimace?

-Why do so many dumb people think that they are smart? And I’m not buying the Dunning Kruger effect either. That only applies to a specific field. I’m talking in sweeping generalities here. 

-Why is pop music in Europe so ridiculously bad?

-Why are there no baby pigeons?

-Why don’t you ever hear about baby shark attacks? Some surfer gets a big toe gnawed off or something. You know, like a puppy would do if the puppy were a shark. 

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Cute but deadly. Ok, only cute.

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-If you are sailing around the world, when does east become west? This is probably a dumb question but I know even less about navigating that I know about farming.

-Why do girls happily walk around in a bikini all day but get all “everyone is trying to eye rape me” when they are in a bra and panties? Don’t ask me why they were in their bra and panties, it’s just hypothetical. Oh wait, no it’s not. I remember why this upsets me. It’s like when one of my girlfriends forgot her bathing suit and we stopped at a nearly empty beach but she still wouldn’t get in with me even though we had plenty of towels and then after I got in she made me feel guilty for making us late to her cousin’s barbecue. So what is the difference anyway?   

-What in the hell happened to Tom Selleck? Does he still have the stash?

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It’s like a chinchilla died on his face!

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-How do certain animals know to cross the road only at their own designated crossings? I’ve never seen a deer at an alligator crossing and I’ve taken many trips through the Everglades.

-Why are there no Asian or Eastern European cops? Is it a coincidence that those are two of the areas that we used to be hostile with? You don’t see any Muslim cops either come to think of it. Hmmm.    

-Why is Waldo wanted? Why isn’t there a reward offered? It would certainly help.

-After you fill your car’s gas tank why does the first half last almost forever but the second half run like Usain Bolt would run if he took more steroids that were mixed with meth?

-Who buys grapes with seeds and why?

-Did Z Cavaricci invest his profits from the first two years? I hope so.

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They are ten times worse than I remember them.

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-After you have exploding diarrhea for two days staight it seems like at least your stomach should be nice and flat but it never is. It’s always puffy and bloated. Why? There should be some benifit.

-Why, even though I have a slight grasp of the laws of physics and the gravitation pull of the earth, do I picture people on the other side of the earth standing upside down?