Zodi’s Blog

The Love God; How to Date People That (Real) God Decided Were Too Good For You

How many of you know people who are so repulsively hideous that they’ve almost turned the corner and become cool looking; like amazing graphics in an atrocious movie kind of way? And aren’t they always, heartbreakingly, in love with people who, unlike them, were blessed with fairly symmetrical faces? Well, send your Quasimodo-ish friends over here because this LG post is for them!  

 

What? You didn’t think I’d use Rosie/Mohammed again did you?

  

Sometimes these creatures end up climbing a bell tower in Texas, or trying in vain to shift economic policy away from Reaganomics by taking a few shots at the Gipper in a half hearted attempt to impress a girl who will later be gang raped on a pinball machine. Sad, sad stuff. Sometimes however, they actually land the girl. Rarer still, they sometimes, amazingly, get the girl without date rape drugs or stun guns.

 

So how are these beasts able to land the beauties? From what I’ve been able to deduce there are two basic ways for the aesthetically challenged have a shot at romance outside the pocket vagina arena or animal kingdom. The first tends to involve money or outside factors of success.

 

– Drop out of a prestigious school and either invent some software type of shit or some social networky type of shit and become an overnight billionaire.

 

– Using nothing but your huge balls, somewhat functional brain, street smarts, ruthless ambition and awful background noise/music, murder your way up the coca leaf ladder to the title of drug kingpin. First you’ll acquire money, then power, and only then will you get the girl. *Important Note: do not attempt to circumvent this time tested technique. Always Money> Power> Girl.

 

– Get her to agree to make a porno with you. You’ll have an impossibly romantic moment during either the anal pounding or the money shot scene in which she’ll fall in love with you.

 

– Sign with Eminem. You ‘should’ get plenty of groupie love.

 

– Have plenty of interesting life experiences which then perfectly coincide with opportunistic questions on a nationally syndicated game show and become a slumdog millionaire.  *Important Note: this will require a lifetime of extraneous planning.

 

– Learn to play the drums. *Important Note; you must also be endowed with a horse-cock.

 

– Learn to popularize a new genre of rock-rap. Love Detroit. And midgets. Especially love Detroit based midgets. Be willing to settle for slopping 322nds.

 

See, he’s hot because he looks like a meth dealer. Or user.

 

The problem with the first method is obvious; you have to first become ‘fuck-you rich.’ There is, however, another method you can adopt which will incorporate the ‘fuck you’ without the need of all that unnecessary ‘rich.’ The second and most common way in which nasty people with problem features are able to have years of nauseous sex with normal or even beautiful people is to…

 

Hypnotise them with hatred.

Blind them with belligerence.

Arouse them with animosity.

Are you enjoying these? I have dozens! No? Shit, sorry.

 

Anyway, the single best option for playing above your skill level is to simply act disinterested in your love interest. This can not be a passive aggressive disinterest, that will only make you look like an opaque vagina. And as cool as an opaque vagina looks, it’s not the look that you’re going for with this. No, you need to show aggressive disinterest, like so…

 

– When she talks about her weekend, roll your misaligned eyes violently in your ill-shapen skull and loudly inform her that nobody cares.

 

– When she asks about your weekend say something like, “Well I wasn’t taking cocks up the ass three deep like some people I could mention, Mrs. Whorey McSlutterson.”

 

It is important to learn that if you can successfully shake their confidence, they will falsely come to believe that you are worthy of them. Remember that tears are your friend in this honorable endeavor. Try these easy to learn techniques for all of your confidence destroying needs.

 

– Casually mention that you saw her featured on peopleofwalmart.com and asked if she was there picking up ‘that’ outfit. Or getting the finishing touches on her dental work. Or if she just went to get ‘that’ hairstyle.

 

Just like Sears Photography only more juicy. And florescent.

 

 – As often as possible, ask her if she’s on some kind of steroid for something, maybe a fungal infection(?) as she really seems to have bulked up. Alternatively you can ask when she’s due and if she’s expecting twins. 

 

– Remind her often that just because she ‘can’ wear something that it doesn’t necessarily mean that she ‘should’ wear it.

 

– Ask her if those horizontal stripes are ‘really the best idea?’

 

– Look truly concerned and ask if her face was involved in a horrific weed whacker mishap this morning. Follow with a flirty ‘jus kidding.’

 

– Tell her that Snooki just called and she said she wants both her spray tan and stoutly torso back or she’s going to come and re-break her already bruised and injured looking legs.

 

If John Boehner and The Great Pumpkin had a lovechild. And then hated it.

  

– Joke that if she gave you oral you could tell everyone that you guys finally ‘bumped uglies.’

 

After a month long, intensive application of this technique gently inform her that she is welcome to join you in the cafeteria of the local hospital for some tea after work, and that this location will help her to avoid awkward stares and too many questions about her appearance from strangers.

You should be golden, seriously golden! After you get the girl I expect you to send me some guns or money. Or maybe lawyers, depending.

Advertisements

November 14, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , ,

95 Comments »

  1. Wow! With these tips I should be on the Love Train soon. I can’t wait to get to work. Thanks Love God!

    Comment by Rev D | November 14, 2010 | Reply

    • Wait, wait. I’m not sure that you want to get on anykind of train as it pertains to love. I’ve heard bad bad things.

      Thanks Rev D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

  2. One look at my look and it doesn’t take a brain surgeon, not that I haven’t tried one, to realize that regardless of money, power, drugs, horse cock, plastic surgery, artificial limbs, artificial intelligence, the best fucking tacos in town, knowing people who know people who know people, a six handicap in golf, the ability to play three, count em, three chords blindfolded on a guitar, an uncanny expertise on using google, and the ability to switch hands at any given moment while masturbating, that getting the “girl” is just out of my reach. I did, however, date this beautiful sheep named “Sheep” for a couple of days once. Does that count?

    Comment by jammer5 | November 14, 2010 | Reply

    • You have a six handicap?

      Comment by Desert Rat | November 14, 2010 | Reply

      • I used to have an eight DR. It’s been a few years…

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

      • I did until I found out feet wedges were illegal, then it ran up to forty two.

        Comment by jammer5 | November 15, 2010 | Reply

    • I don’t know Jammer, despite your avatar’s resemblance to the first underbitten image that I used I would think that you’d do quite well with the fairer sex. And I don’t mean sheep, even though they are pretty white. I’d think that with your wordsmithery, your panache and your access to dozens, maybe hundreds, of powerful prescription opiates, that the ladies would be beating down your proverbial and physical doors.

      You just need a re-branding.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

      • It was a black sheep. The white ones wouldn’t have anything to do with me.

        I’ll have to try the opiates or that date drug thing.

        Comment by jammer5 | November 15, 2010 | Reply

        • If John Boehner and The Great Pumpkin had a lovechild. And then hated it.

          Could you imagine the rug rats popping out of the results that? Never mind . . . sorry, bro.

          Comment by jammer5 | November 15, 2010 | Reply

          • Yes, yes I can. SSSSSSnoki. All day!

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

            • You’re in dire need of opiates. Either that, or ya gotta quit watching that show.

              Comment by jammer5 | November 15, 2010 | Reply

              • I’m always in dire need of opiates. The more narcoticery the better.

                Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

                • Dude, another name for a band: The Needlated Narcoticeries. playing at a rehab center near you.

                  Comment by jammer5 | November 18, 2010 | Reply

                  • That’s a band I’d do to a rehab to see. As long as they promised not to lock the doors.

                    Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 19, 2010 | Reply

        • Neither course of action will let you down Jammer.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

  3. I’ve heard that if you play drums and use big sticks you can get away without being well endowed. Don’t ask me how I know that.

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | November 14, 2010 | Reply

    • That may be true Thomas, but if you are hideous of face, it certainly doesn’t hurt.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

  4. I. Am. DYING. You kill me! It’s always a happy day when notification of a new post pops up in my email box! Most excellent!

    You forgot to mention the romantic, time-tested “Phantom of the Opera” masque technique. An iPod with a dual headset might help, too, you know, for “atmosphere.” And don’t forget the “Kiss” make-up for baiting the serious “rocker” chicks…

    Comment by Desert Rat | November 14, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s not as often as it used to be and I do apologize for that. Because it makes me feel really happy (in a spot low in my stomach, above the groin area) to make you happy.

      The Phantom of the Opera mask is a great idea. And so is opera itself. Where else could a greasy obese Italian be able to land some of the hot prima donnas that they are able to land. And Kiss makeup was also brilliant; I’ve seen Gene Simmons without, and he’s no prize; 18 inch tongue or not.

      Thanks Desert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

  5. There was an Indonesian midget called Weng-weng who literally had beautiful women falling over him. I think it was his cool, sardonic smile that made him irresistible.

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | November 14, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m going to have to research the way of the Weng-weng. The Wengish way? Being that I’m only 5’9, women fall all over me too but it’s usually because I’m in their way.

      Thanks GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

  6. Everyone knows midgets are hung like horses

    Comment by nursemyra | November 14, 2010 | Reply

    • Well now I do too. (I didn’t before.)

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

  7. Quote from Leonard Cohen’s ‘Chelsea Hotel’:
    ‘You told me again you prefer handsome men/but for me you would make an exception.’
    (This after giving head on the unmade bed while the limo waited in the street)
    Perfect, slam-dunk.
    I think it helps to have a way with words. So you should be in constant demand Scott!

    Comment by Karen lee Thompson | November 14, 2010 | Reply

    • I love Cohen, but you knew that.

      You’d think that it would help more than it actually does. I’m a much better writer than I am a speaker as well. That being said though; I would be in more demand (especially considering my fedora) if my wife would just allow me to start dating. (She’s really weird about it.)

      Thanks Karen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

      • Spouses are funny little creatures aren’t they, with their ‘yes marriage does go with monogamy’ and their ‘he might be cute but…no, you can’t have him’ and all of that jiving around.

        Comment by Karen lee Thompson | November 16, 2010 | Reply

        • Actually I’ve always been weirdly monogamous for some reason. I think I’m a girl trapped in a straight man’s body. Or something. Players do make me want to eat ice cream and butter toast though.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 17, 2010 | Reply

  8. Awwww, be nice to Snooki.

    Comment by Bethany | November 15, 2010 | Reply

    • I thought I was. Boehner and GP are rich. She’s got an inheritance coming.

      Thanks Bethany!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

  9. I think that advice only works for men. Ugly women seem to be able to get a man just by offering it up.

    BTW it is SLOPPY seconds not SLOPPING. haha

    Comment by Bearman | November 15, 2010 | Reply

    • I disagree. I know a ridiculous amount of ugly, lonely women. Wait, I didn’t mean that how it sounde…..ah fuck it.

      No, in Pam’s case it’s slopping. For sure.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

  10. Really, I can’t comment on this. Would you write one of these for women, please?

    Comment by Pamela Villars | November 15, 2010 | Reply

    • For sure I will Pamela. Although the same logic applies. Men may pretend that they don’t have self esteem issues; but if you can sufficiently destroy their confidence, you have them in your pocket. Just look at Palin/McCain.

      Thanks Pamela!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

  11. Um, yeah…no. But, thanks. Lovely photo collection though 😉

    Comment by Reb | November 15, 2010 | Reply

    • Hahaha, wait, what? Why? Thanks!

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

  12. Orchid poaching seemed to work for toothless John Laroche (as played by Chris Cooper) in the movie Adaptation. I hated the ending. It would have been better if the camera panned in and we could see Meryl Streep tonguing his gums or him gumming her tongue…or something (anything, but that silly ass ending).

    P.S. You absolutely nailed the John Boehner/Great Pumpkin lovechild. Scott, you da man wit’ da eye!

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | November 15, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m not sure how I’d feel about your gummy ending. It sounds all so very Hunter S. Thompson meets Russell Brand-ish. Actually, that does sound fantastic. Sold!

      I agree. I feel that Maury Povich should hire me to do spot on paternity tests. All it takes is a look! He can pay me in interviews with his wife.

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

  13. Only one flaw in your scheme for the Hideously in Love …

    “Well I wasn’t taking cocks up the ass three deep like some people I could mention, Mrs. Whorey McSlutterson.”

    That’s a major compliment in my book.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | November 15, 2010 | Reply

    • Hmm, I did forget that it’s a bold new world out there Mitzi. How could I phrase that so that it would be an ego diminisher instead of an ego enhancer? Zero? Or like 10?

      Please show your work! (That’s funny because you’re a teacher.)

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

  14. Beauty is TRULY in the eye of the beholder..

    And there was a whole-lotta beholding going on in that post.

    Comment by Candy | November 15, 2010 | Reply

    • Always Candy. I’ve thought girls were bangin like the fourth of July and it wasn’t until mid-August that I finally saw that they were Not.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

  15. I am ridiculously in love with Steve Buscemi. He’s about as weird lookin a they come, but something about him makes me weak in the knees.
    I think charisma goes a long way as well as talent. Of course, I’ve always liked kinda odd looking guys. Ringo was my favorite Beatle and I was Team Ducky in Pretty in Pink.
    However, I give a resounding “NO” to Kid Rock and Mr. Mullet McUnderbite up there. A little odd looking, yes. Methed-out recdneck, no.

    Comment by Amy | November 15, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m the same way though. I find perfect girls to be off-putting. I’ve never been attracted to Cindy Crawford types. Now give me a heroin addicted Gia, or even, no especially, Angelina Jolie and I like. I love girls with a little something…just slightly off.

      And talent and/or a sense of humor go a long, long way. More so than looks, sometimes.

      Now this feels like a Pulp Fiction conversation. And I love that!

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

      • Sense of humor is much, much more important than looks. You could have a lazy eye, but if you make me laugh until I can’t breathe, you become instantly sexy to me.

        If only we could share a $5 milkshake . . .

        Comment by Amy | November 15, 2010 | Reply

        • But what’s in that milkshake? Five dollars, I mean, is there bourbon in that? A milkshake, like, ice cream and milk and shit right?

          That’s pretty fucking good but I don’t know if it’s worth five dollars.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 16, 2010 | Reply

  16. Ah….just got the Tommy Lee reference in the labels. Took me a minute, lol.

    Comment by Heff | November 15, 2010 | Reply

    • I thought that you of all people would get the Tommy Lee reference right away. There’s only one horse-cock in the business. That I know of.

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

  17. “Anyway, the single best option for playing above your skill level is to simply act disinterested in your love interest. This can not be a passive aggressive disinterest, that will only make you look like a opaque vagina.”

    1. Many men act disinterested in me to the point where I’m actually not sure they saw me walk by with my juicy Sears outfit on. So you’re saying they are interested in me, but they’re playing it cool?

    2. An opaque vagina. I’m really inspired by that. Do I need to go full anorexic to get one? Or is it more if I mate with an albino I might have a shot at birthing a child with an opaque vagina? Let me know.

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | November 15, 2010 | Reply

    • Damn, the one thing you showcase and it’s ripe with a typo. The problem was that I changed it from ‘an invisible vagina’ to ‘a milky vagina’ to ‘an opaque vagina’ before the vagina felt right to me. You have to kind of try those things on before you settle.

      What, the one with the boots? They are definitely trying to play with your mind. You’re irresistible in that outfit. On some real shit though.

      No, don’t go anorexic because then you’d lose your juiciness and we can’t have that. And albinos are just gross so I wouldn’t recommend that either. I’d say that your best bet would be to have sex with a thousand year old vampire.

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 15, 2010 | Reply

      • I’m going to find a vampire. Where though?

        Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | November 20, 2010 | Reply

        • As soon as I move back, we’ll have to meet in New Orleans and I’ll hook you up.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 20, 2010 | Reply

  18. There’s lots of very funny stuff in here, Scott, so much so that I’m finding it difficult to spin this comment in a way that it would reflect better on me. Not only was most of your advice dead-on, but the last section especially seems to be taken directly from “Game”-type handbooks that young men are willing to pay perfectly good money to be told how to be an asshole by other assholes. It’s enough to turn your hair opaque.

    The bonus, however, comes from the Kid Rock bashing and I might be the only one here saying this, but that man cannot be bashed enough, especially with his shameless country-chart flirtation. You play rock and rap. Badly. Please don’t take a lousy form of music and make it even worse. And if you absolutely can’t stop yourself, then at least take Hootie on the road with you and then suffer some sort of career-ending bus accident.

    Smooches,

    CLT

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | November 15, 2010 | Reply

    • You always look good CLT. Just by showing up, in fact. Especially after all that not showing up that unfortunately occurred. So, even your black and white avatar makes you look good by virtue of its presence.

      Are you saying that you think I have a book in me? That would be so great. I’m just afraid that my lack of experience would hurt me. See, my bed post looks like a one pawed cat attacked it. Which is actually, exactly, what happened. If I thought I could make money off of my sexual ineptitude, I’d have been keeping notes since I struck out with little Jenny Moyeroff at the fifth grade dance.

      I didn’t even know he was doing that. Or doing anything. It’s bad when even I know how bad he is. Although that song about ‘putting her picture away’ does make me want to blow lines off a stripper’s ass.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 16, 2010 | Reply

  19. Mrs. Whorey McSlutterson! I can’t believe you know her too? She was my first grade teacher (which is a clearly underpaid profession it seems)

    This entire wicked post reminds me of a term my Dad once coined for these people you talk of: “McFugly – very fucking ugly”
    Dont ask. He is a weirdo…..

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | November 15, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s crazy, I never knew my grandma lived in Australia and taught first grade. We have a lot of catching up to do as soon as she gets back from the porn expo in Thailand! I wonder what she bought me this year.

      We always used to say Fugly for fucking ugly but I like the Mc, it adds a certain je nais sais qua.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 16, 2010 | Reply

  20. Wow. Something brought this on, I can tell. There’s a LOT of anger here, but something else . . . something much deeper . . .

    EXPRESSO!!! The good stuff. The one drop short of crack stuff that gets you pumped for some ugly bashing. Fess up, Scott! Fess up!

    You got me at the Wal Mart picture. That one picture perfectly descibes wholesale hell.

    [Using “DMC” to shake-off a search-engine search from an employer looking to hire me (again). Let’s hope! Great post!]

    Comment by DMC | November 16, 2010 | Reply

    • No, no anger at all. I love ugly people. They’re so damn nice. Usually genteel as well, unless they’re in the south. Then they’re likely to be violent, inexplicably.

      You’re dead on about the liquid crack though. I’m about a month away from mainlining the stuff. Up to about 5 or 6 coffee cups a day. Of Espresso. Seriously.

      I hear you on the name thing. I fear that I’ve made a grave misjudgment somewhere along this blogging road…

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 16, 2010 | Reply

    • WTF?

      Still not as weird as some people in Wal Marts . . .

      Comment by DMC | November 16, 2010 | Reply

      • . . . it’s the little kids that freak me out. They send ’em to the top!

        Comment by DMC | November 16, 2010 | Reply

      • That could have been disastrous. Thank god the siesta bell didn’t ring!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 17, 2010 | Reply

  21. Another technique, one which I employed years ago, is to have sex with your girlfriend’s mom. Oh yeah baby, that brings a chick to her adoring kness. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | November 16, 2010 | Reply

    • I would assume that she was going down there to cut your penis off and nail it to the floorboards. Her mom?

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 17, 2010 | Reply

  22. I have been waiting for someone to ‘splain to me how the fuck Snooki came to be
    thank you!!

    Comment by dianne | November 16, 2010 | Reply

    • ….And now you know…the rest of the story. You’re welcome.

      Thanks Diane!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 17, 2010 | Reply

  23. I called a girl an ugly bitch and she still slept with me. Those were in the days when i was drunk 98% of my waking hours and my particular brand of “im-too-numb-to-feel-a-slap-in-the-face” type of comedy was put down to “hes just drunk”.

    Sadly, i may need to use your tips and tricks to get the ladies into my Fornucopia once again.

    Failing that, I now have to work out how to turn a failed blog into vagina credits then im back on easy street!

    Thank you, kind sir!

    -Rick

    Comment by Rick Jones | November 16, 2010 | Reply

    • You used to have a 98% drunken life too? I don’t think I ever would have stopped but I started to become an unhappy dick. And that goes against my very nature. I’m only down with ‘the sickness’ when it enhances my already happy ass self.

      I’d imagine that you do quite well Rick; what with all your warm, Australian charm and winning humor. Chicks love the humor, go with that.

      Vagina credits are the most awesome idea I’ve heard all year!

      Thanks Rick!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 17, 2010 | Reply

  24. Mmmm, horse cock.

    Comment by candice | November 16, 2010 | Reply

    • I prefer swine penis but only because it looks kind of cool.

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 17, 2010 | Reply

  25. It was fun reading this post and trying to figure out which well-endowed aesthetically-challenged men you were referring to.

    Comment by gazingatnavels | November 16, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m guessing that you were successful then?

      Thanks Gazingatnavels!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 17, 2010 | Reply

  26. I bet you the guy in the first pic gets the next crack at Pam Lee.

    Do you think Kid Rock can finally laugh at that sex tape? I could not watch a tape of my ex wife getting nailed by a heavy metal drummer, and then he steers the boat with his big wang.

    “Must love Detroit midgets.” hahahaha.

    Comment by Dr. Ken | November 17, 2010 | Reply

    • I hope not. The poor guy doesn’t deserve all the drama that comes with the Pam.

      I’d assume that you’d have to have a pretty open mind when you go all rock star to begin with. I wouldn’t mind the sex tape myself but I would, admittedly, have some insecurities. Especially considering that I’m hung like a Detroit midget. (I think midgets are pretty average…)

      Thanks Dr. Ken!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 17, 2010 | Reply

      • Is Hepatitis C even curable? I wouldn’t have pulled out my horse meat for her if I were kid rock, but he sucks anyway.

        Comment by Lisa | November 18, 2010 | Reply

        • No, none of the heps are curable. But if you ‘were’ Kid Rock, and thank your lucky stars here, you ‘would’ do all of that and so much more.

          !

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 19, 2010 | Reply

  27. I use to be a drummer and a midget…its not what its cracked up to be. But I get partial credit because I hate Snooki and Kid Rock. So, there’s all that.

    Comment by Fundamental Jelly | November 17, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, but you have the whole scientist and photograher and sick talent cornocopia thing going for you too. Which helps a lot!

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 17, 2010 | Reply

  28. True story, I’ve always been scared that I’ll end up marrying one of these people. I just find them so fascinating, I could stare at their messed up faces for hours.

    Help me Love God. How can I satisfy my obsession without giving them the wrong idea that I actually want to “tap that”?

    Comment by bschooled | November 17, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m so happy that I can finally be of service to you. Even though it may not be the kind of service I’d been imagining, I’ll take it and milk it for my personal gain. This question is going straight in The Vault. I need quality questions like these to keep up the LG charade, so thank you!

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 18, 2010 | Reply

  29. How is it the royals can keep mating w/ each other and be so healthy? Are they a sexual master race?
    That’s a weak love question, but oh well.

    How does the whole Chaz Bono thing work? Do they sew on a cadaver cock? Like if you mark the donate your organs thing on your driver’s license can you symbolically resurrect yourself by becoming someone’s penis?

    How do men give n’ get the best orgasms? Straight or man on man junk?

    Comment by Lisa | November 18, 2010 | Reply

    • Those are all great questions, albeit slightly confusing ones that are going to require a lot of time on Wiki, and they are all going into the LG vault. You’re storing these questions away like some bible belter storing away gold and ammo while listening to Becksy!

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 19, 2010 | Reply

    • I think that is the very thing going through Cher’s mind as well Lisa.

      Comment by frigginloon | November 20, 2010 | Reply

  30. – Casually mention that you saw her featured on peopleofwalmart.com and asked if she was there picking up ‘that’ outfit. Or getting the finishing touches on her dental work. Or if she just went to get ‘that’ hairstyle.

    Comedy gold, good man!

    Comment by Lisa | November 18, 2010 | Reply

    • I think it would work. And Kenny Bania would agree. Do you see what happens when you make me google? I make you google right back!

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 19, 2010 | Reply

      • Oh seinfield!
        You didn’t know who Chaz was? You didn’t think Cher’s daughter could get uglier? But yes s/he can. Chastity as a dude. I wonder if his mom will ask to see it… Thiink I would, just a glimpse.
        I finally completed and put up my final episode of ER!

        Comment by Lisa | November 19, 2010 | Reply

        • See, I didn’t even know that Cher had a mutant baby. Other than the mask one, but I heard that he died with much fanfare or something. So she had a non-mask, ambiguous penis son?

          You’re my TMZ!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 20, 2010 | Reply

  31. lol, sloppy 322nds.
    Nasty but funny

    Comment by Artswebshow | November 20, 2010 | Reply

    • Nasty but but and also very, true.

      That may be low.

      Thanks Artswebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 20, 2010 | Reply

  32. Hey Scotty can you explain the reverse of this, the good looking rich guy with the visionary challenged girl? Take for instance Prince Charles, imagine rolling over and facing THAT every morning? That’s an arm chew right there!

    Comment by frigginloon | November 20, 2010 | Reply

    • You mean that Camilla is unable to plan and adapt for the future as well as being ugly? Poor thing.

      I think that he was so pissed that Diana always stole his spotlight he wanted to make sure that didn’t happen again.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 20, 2010 | Reply

  33. Someone slept with Kid Rock? Judging by photos I have seen of him I guess I just assumed he was a virgin. Maybe it was dark… very dark.

    Comment by Siren | November 22, 2010 | Reply

  34. […] I’ll be walking somewhere, minding my own business and thinking about something as innocuous as opaque labia when I see someone coming towards me. The street could be wider than Whoopi Goldberg’s vagina […]

    Pingback by Painful Awkwardity « Zodi’s Blog | December 12, 2010 | Reply


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: