WikiLeaks Cables You May Have Missed

Hillary Clinton’s meeting with Silvio Berlusconi in Italy.

 

Inter-office email Between Clinton and aide, Maria Shlieder.

 

Hey girlfriend,

 

Last night went well, I think. We met in the Prime Minister’s private residence in Northern Milan. We decided to make our meeting a dinner ‘date.’ He complimented my hair and outfit! I was a good girl and stuck to the diet, only eating grilled salmon and steamed vegetables. Maybe just a smidgen of Tiramisu. Thank god, or I’d be bursting out of my pant suit by the end of this trip. Silvio (he insisted!) ate like a god damned horse. That man can put away food like he has a hollow… appendage. Ahem. I must admit that seeing a man so passionate really turns me on. He’s passionate and fiery about food, about wine, about music, about the continued stability of the Euro, about a light rail transportation system, about, well, everything. And it’s kind of hot, honestly.

 

I have to reluctantly admit that Silvio(!) is beginning to win me over with his peasant-like charm. He’s a little rough around the edges, sure. Even after I politely corrected him numerous times, he still continues to refer to BO as ‘the mulatto’ and when he has an economic question he wants to know what the Gesu uccisores, or ‘Jesus killers’ think. Can you imagine if the press ever got hold of this? His hands are also rough, and he rubs my cheek with his stubble when he does that lovely, double Eurokiss thing. I’m starting to behave like a schoolgirl around him, it’s embarrassing. He whispered in my ear (during the Eurokiss) that he would love to get me alone some day and ‘deliver to me an asino punzone.’ He’s so goddamn romantic!

 

Oh yea, and here’s the work stuff…

 

-Italy has agreed to allow another US diplomat to consult/advise Amanda Knox.

-SB hates, actually loathes Sarcozy. He admitted that he’d like to stab him in the neck with a hot soldering iron. Then he laughed and said something about crazy American cinema. But I think he was serious. **We need to be mindful of seating arrangements at future White House events.

-SB is recovering nicely from the ‘Duomo incident’ and has grown quite fond of American pharmaceuticals. *Possible international trade leverage = Oxy Contin?

-SB assures me that his relationship with Putin is no more than ‘appropriately friendly.’- his words. He also assured me that he is not profiting from energy contracts. Although he jokingly admitted that Putin may have strong familial and business relationships in Sicily. I think he meant the Italian Mafia. *Can we use this info to get better olive oil? Or vodka?

 

The official portion of my visit is now over but I’m going to stick around for a few more days. Silvio promises to show me ‘something’ I’ve never seen before in this stunning country, and frankly, I’m up for it.

Don’t wait up!

Hillary.  

 

 

Transcript of a phone call between US President Barrack Obama and Mexican President Felipe Calderon.

 

Obama: Hola amigo, como estas?

Calderon: Let’s do English. I’m not in the mood to suffer your butchery.

Obama: I’m not, I rea…

Calderon: Shut the fuck up and listen to me gringo. I’m angry. Do you want to explain to me why you don’t have Perry and McCain on board yet?

Obama: I, look by next month I promi…

Calderon: Seriously? Next month? What happened to this motherfucking month? Why don’t you just get Cheney to talk to those two ball lickers?

Obama: I think you mean window lickers sir. Um Cheney is being really pissy with me again. He’s like a toddler with….

Calderon: Get Cheney to whack them then.

Obama: Sir I thi…

Calderon: I’ll give you until the end of this month. If our scientists can’t get in, or are disparaged in the media, we’re going to cut you off. No more money. No more USA. How long have our two countries been playing this shell game? 50 years sweetballs. For over 50 years we’ve held your secretly bankrupt government afloat while we pretended to be your poor, destitute neighbor.  For 50 years we’ve watched you spend our billions, playing God to the world and savior to no one. 50 years and billions wasted. And what did we ask in return? That you allow our scientists to come and study your old rich white people to chronicle the effects having an excess of idle time and money.

Obama: But I thought the project was completed?

Calderon: It was, over two years ago. We’ve found that it turns people into douchebagy assholes, scientifically speaking. 

Obama: Well then why are you still sending operatives over here?

Calderon: Because now we’re fascinated with the Tea Party. We’ve never seen stupidity, anger and ignorance so exalted. Other than one weekend that we had the WWE, a monster truck rally and an adults only premier of a Twilight movie on the same weekend in Mexico City. 

Obama: Sir, without your money the US will collapse within two weeks. Please don’t be this way sir.

Calderon: THEN BE NICER TO MY MOTHERFUCKING SCIENTISTS!!!     

Obama: Hey, maybe I can get McCain, Perry and you to come over for a beer summit. That’ll fix this bugaboo.

Calderon: Ok, but if I even see a Bud or a Corona I’m out. I hate that dog puke.

Obama: Sir? Sir? [Dial tone]