Zodi’s Blog

WikiLeaks Cables You May Have Missed

Hillary Clinton’s meeting with Silvio Berlusconi in Italy.

 

Inter-office email Between Clinton and aide, Maria Shlieder.

 

Hey girlfriend,

 

Last night went well, I think. We met in the Prime Minister’s private residence in Northern Milan. We decided to make our meeting a dinner ‘date.’ He complimented my hair and outfit! I was a good girl and stuck to the diet, only eating grilled salmon and steamed vegetables. Maybe just a smidgen of Tiramisu. Thank god, or I’d be bursting out of my pant suit by the end of this trip. Silvio (he insisted!) ate like a god damned horse. That man can put away food like he has a hollow… appendage. Ahem. I must admit that seeing a man so passionate really turns me on. He’s passionate and fiery about food, about wine, about music, about the continued stability of the Euro, about a light rail transportation system, about, well, everything. And it’s kind of hot, honestly.

 

I have to reluctantly admit that Silvio(!) is beginning to win me over with his peasant-like charm. He’s a little rough around the edges, sure. Even after I politely corrected him numerous times, he still continues to refer to BO as ‘the mulatto’ and when he has an economic question he wants to know what the Gesu uccisores, or ‘Jesus killers’ think. Can you imagine if the press ever got hold of this? His hands are also rough, and he rubs my cheek with his stubble when he does that lovely, double Eurokiss thing. I’m starting to behave like a schoolgirl around him, it’s embarrassing. He whispered in my ear (during the Eurokiss) that he would love to get me alone some day and ‘deliver to me an asino punzone.’ He’s so goddamn romantic!

 

Oh yea, and here’s the work stuff…

 

-Italy has agreed to allow another US diplomat to consult/advise Amanda Knox.

-SB hates, actually loathes Sarcozy. He admitted that he’d like to stab him in the neck with a hot soldering iron. Then he laughed and said something about crazy American cinema. But I think he was serious. **We need to be mindful of seating arrangements at future White House events.

-SB is recovering nicely from the ‘Duomo incident’ and has grown quite fond of American pharmaceuticals. *Possible international trade leverage = Oxy Contin?

-SB assures me that his relationship with Putin is no more than ‘appropriately friendly.’- his words. He also assured me that he is not profiting from energy contracts. Although he jokingly admitted that Putin may have strong familial and business relationships in Sicily. I think he meant the Italian Mafia. *Can we use this info to get better olive oil? Or vodka?

 

The official portion of my visit is now over but I’m going to stick around for a few more days. Silvio promises to show me ‘something’ I’ve never seen before in this stunning country, and frankly, I’m up for it.

Don’t wait up!

Hillary.  

 

 

Transcript of a phone call between US President Barrack Obama and Mexican President Felipe Calderon.

 

Obama: Hola amigo, como estas?

Calderon: Let’s do English. I’m not in the mood to suffer your butchery.

Obama: I’m not, I rea…

Calderon: Shut the fuck up and listen to me gringo. I’m angry. Do you want to explain to me why you don’t have Perry and McCain on board yet?

Obama: I, look by next month I promi…

Calderon: Seriously? Next month? What happened to this motherfucking month? Why don’t you just get Cheney to talk to those two ball lickers?

Obama: I think you mean window lickers sir. Um Cheney is being really pissy with me again. He’s like a toddler with….

Calderon: Get Cheney to whack them then.

Obama: Sir I thi…

Calderon: I’ll give you until the end of this month. If our scientists can’t get in, or are disparaged in the media, we’re going to cut you off. No more money. No more USA. How long have our two countries been playing this shell game? 50 years sweetballs. For over 50 years we’ve held your secretly bankrupt government afloat while we pretended to be your poor, destitute neighbor.  For 50 years we’ve watched you spend our billions, playing God to the world and savior to no one. 50 years and billions wasted. And what did we ask in return? That you allow our scientists to come and study your old rich white people to chronicle the effects having an excess of idle time and money.

Obama: But I thought the project was completed?

Calderon: It was, over two years ago. We’ve found that it turns people into douchebagy assholes, scientifically speaking. 

Obama: Well then why are you still sending operatives over here?

Calderon: Because now we’re fascinated with the Tea Party. We’ve never seen stupidity, anger and ignorance so exalted. Other than one weekend that we had the WWE, a monster truck rally and an adults only premier of a Twilight movie on the same weekend in Mexico City. 

Obama: Sir, without your money the US will collapse within two weeks. Please don’t be this way sir.

Calderon: THEN BE NICER TO MY MOTHERFUCKING SCIENTISTS!!!     

Obama: Hey, maybe I can get McCain, Perry and you to come over for a beer summit. That’ll fix this bugaboo.

Calderon: Ok, but if I even see a Bud or a Corona I’m out. I hate that dog puke.

Obama: Sir? Sir? [Dial tone]

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December 5, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

68 Comments »

  1. I haven’t read the Wikileaks (and don’t intend to), but that was funny as hell Scott.

    Comment by Reb | December 5, 2010 | Reply

    • You’ve made the right decision Reb. You can always count on me to sum it up accurately!

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 5, 2010 | Reply

      • I knew I could Scott 😉

        Comment by Reb | December 6, 2010 | Reply

        • Always and forever.

          Or at least that was what I told my fifth grade girlfriend.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 6, 2010 | Reply

  2. Bamn, second, shucks! Much enjoyed the first, didn’t have a fecking clue with the latter

    Comment by gallowaygrave | December 5, 2010 | Reply

    • It was just the shocking truth behind the ‘immigration issue’ is all. That Calderon is a fox!

      Thanks GG!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 5, 2010 | Reply

  3. Scott, This is hilarious, and I knew it would be because I lost my shit on this line: ” Seriously? Next month? What happened to this motherfucking month?” I just started laughing and couldn’t stop.

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | December 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Felipe Calderon gets funnier after a few Dos Equis for realz though. You should see him after a few shots of Cuervo, he’s on fire!

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 5, 2010 | Reply

  4. Oh, and this: “*Can we use this info to get better olive oil? Or vodka?”

    I know that’s a secret political message to me. I understood it.

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | December 5, 2010 | Reply

    • I am so glad you did V! I didn’t want to have to go all Valerie Plame on your ass. (That means I didn’t want to get outed.) (I’ve said too much.)

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 5, 2010 | Reply

  5. I just learned more about politics and foreign relations from this post than I have from years of watching the evening news. I feel I could hold my own on Cross-Fire now.
    Thanks, Scott!

    Comment by Amy | December 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Maybe I could get a new job as a ‘fluffer’ for cable news shows’ guests. I think that’s what they call them. If not I’ll stick to porn.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 5, 2010 | Reply

      • Eh, Bloggy Man, I make for to be a fluffy for to have (how you pale mans say?)money for pockets changes. But my elderly monied female wife makes me no have job after she marries with me. She say how she go snip for the snip on my little man I call the little Paco Glory Stick if I makes for to be with mans or the womans. I make for to be much lonely.
        Love,
        The Rodrigo.

        Comment by Lisa | December 6, 2010 | Reply

        • I love that you love Rodrigo so much. I tear up occasionally when I see how happy he is in his new home. Sometimes I wonder if he remembers me, but then I think to myself, “no, no, its better that he doesn’t. Oh to live in the present, oh to live like Rodrigo!!!”

          -Don’t forget he needs his shots soon. And he loves when you rub his furry belly.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 6, 2010 | Reply

          • I no makes for to have furry. I show you, Bloggy Man and everyones. you makes for to insult The Rodrigo….
            eh, who am I for to make joke. I want to go home and be with Bloggyman and the Mrs. Bloggyman. I no takes up space. I sleep at end of the bed.
            I agonizing myself,
            Your Rodrigo

            Comment by lisa | December 7, 2010 | Reply

            • Sorry Buddy, I forgot how metro you can be. Big apology for you.

              I remember you sleeping at the foot of my bed. Good times! You kept my feet so warm. And wet. You kept my feet in your mouth all night.

              That was weird.

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 7, 2010 | Reply

      • I think you got less of a chance of gettin the herp if you stick with porn.

        Comment by Amy | December 6, 2010 | Reply

  6. Another good one Scott. HTFAIEGTSL!

    Comment by Karen lee Thompson | December 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Wait, what the hell does HTFAIEGTSL mean? Am I supposed to whack somebody out?

      Thanks Karen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 5, 2010 | Reply

      • Hee hee, I was hoping you would ask and then I forgot what it meant. I’ll return when I remember.

        Comment by karen lee thompson | December 6, 2010 | Reply

        • You can NOT do that to me. You must remember.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 6, 2010 | Reply

          • I remembered!
            “How the fuck am I ever going to stop laughing!”
            It was early on a Monday morning, after all.

            Comment by Karen lee Thompson | December 6, 2010 | Reply

            • Now that’s an acronym that I can sink my teeth into, thanks!

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 6, 2010 | Reply

  7. will wikileaks show the movie when hilary and silvio get it on?

    Comment by nursemyra | December 5, 2010 | Reply

    • I sure hope so Nursemyra. But only so I can say ‘I told you so.’

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 5, 2010 | Reply

  8. I’m still trying to figure out where Wiki decides to take a leak so I can walk around it.

    Comment by Bearman | December 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Don’t worry Bearman, if anybody is getting pissed on they’ll let you know.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 5, 2010 | Reply

  9. Most of the stuff about Berlusconi was already public knowledge, but who knew Hilldog had a girlfriend? I think they should come out.

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | December 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Wouldn’t that be awesome? There is no better revenge. That’s why I keep hoping my wife will cheat on my so I can turn all gay.

      Thanks GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 6, 2010 | Reply

  10. Scott, this was brilliant!! You have undoubtedly made Julian ASSaaaaaange proud (and what I would give to see a Jackie Mason impression of our international friend and ally, Silvio).

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | December 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Jackie Mason would be brilliant as Berlusconi, that’s a great idea. Then I’d have the perfect excuse to visit you in Vegas!

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 6, 2010 | Reply

  11. I did not know there was such a thing as a donkey punch until I read your post. Off to the dictionary I went http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=donkey+punch

    Am I the only one who had no idear what a donkey punch was?

    I was very much rotflmvo this whole post! This one was a really a diamond among the best gems….which means this was hilarious or something.

    Comment by Lisa | December 6, 2010 | Reply

    • No, I can pretty much guarantee that you aren’t the only one who doesn’t know what a donkey punch is. I’m pretty sure that even Hillary misunderstood the term before she agreed to stay on in Italy.

      She goes above and beyond the call of duty. She’s a true statesman.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 6, 2010 | Reply

  12. I would like to pick up Bill Clinton, fly us both to Italy and then Bill, Silvio, and I party for an entire weekend. yeah…I’d dig that. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | December 6, 2010 | Reply

    • I don’t know Matt. They might do some sick type of shit to you after you passed out. You know how slick Willie can get.

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 6, 2010 | Reply

  13. ‘the mulatto’ – priceless

    the entire exchange between Calderon and ‘the mulatto’ is wonderful Scott
    I always suspected there was so much more to the story
    thank you

    Comment by dianne | December 6, 2010 | Reply

    • You know there is for real. I suspect that somebody somewhere has been getting a cut of something for a long, long time. I just wish I could get in on it. Any of it!

      Thanks Diane!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 6, 2010 | Reply

  14. Calderon needs to keep his shit together. If it wasn’t for American citizens purchasing all his drugs he wouldn’t have the finances to float our national debt. Don’t forget that Canada has plenty of weed as well. They may not be able to rustle up much else but we can now get all of our Oxy thru the international mail. (We just can’t get ink cartridges that way.)

    Now I love Obama as much as the next hater but the man has got to grow a set of balls. If he can’t do that then he can’t be expected to keep his ball/window lickers in line.

    Exceptional investigative work, Scott. It’s only a matter of time before Amazon begins to refuse your Paypal payments.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | December 6, 2010 | Reply

    • I can’t believe how much valuable information I’ve learned from this one comment CLT. First of all, I had no idea Canada had good weed. I don’t smoke anymore but I could make a lot of people really happy over here because all they have is hash. And as strong as that is, it doesn’t compare to the almost hallucinogenic quality of North America’s hydroponic grass.

      Secondly, they don’t even sell opiates over here. It’s only an American pharmaceutical thing, I’ve learned. I mean Europe goes from Ibuprofen (for a broken arm) to morphine (for a broken face and/or penis. I’m guessing) but there is nothing in between.

      You don’t happen to have a web address do you? (Just email me!)

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 6, 2010 | Reply

  15. It’s amazing what all great stuff was in those Wikileaks documents that the media missed. Well, they always miss the good stuff.

    Comment by Jay | December 6, 2010 | Reply

    • And the best part is that there is much more to come. Unless I get bored.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 6, 2010 | Reply

  16. Hilary sticking around for some ‘unofficial’ business seems to mean she’s up for getting some punzone in her asino…..and we thought Bill was the dirty one

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | December 7, 2010 | Reply

    • There’s no way in hell that a woman could be married to a guy that dirty without getting a little something on her sleeve. So to speak.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 7, 2010 | Reply

  17. Boy that Wikileaks…how did we ever live without it?

    It’s better than an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashinans…almost.

    Comment by Candy | December 7, 2010 | Reply

    • To tell you the truth I’d almost prefer to not know the majority of that stuff. The Kardashians however; I’d love to explore further.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 7, 2010 | Reply

  18. “Hey girlfriend” coming from Hillary Clinton cracks me up!

    Comment by thoughtsappear | December 7, 2010 | Reply

    • She did hang out in Harlem for all those years after all.

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 7, 2010 | Reply

  19. That Italian fella is awful convincing with that hand gesture. “Come on . . . .”

    Comment by Dr. Ken | December 8, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s what I’ma sayin.

      Thanks Dr. Ken!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 8, 2010 | Reply

  20. That wikileaks dude will never see the light of day again, now that HIS personal issues are out in public.

    What a tangled web we weave !

    Comment by HEFF | December 8, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, I thought that the rape charges may have been a conspiracy thing, but after reading his statements regarding the allegations, I’m pretty sure that he did something nasty.

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 9, 2010 | Reply

  21. Haha! This is a tour de force, Scott!

    Silvio Berlusconi sounds like my kind of guy! I’m all over anyone who a) sports a hollow appendage and b) can make a light rail transportation system sound hot.

    From now on, Wikileaks Cables is my new Lainey Gossip.

    ps. Why does the term “ball lickers” always make me laugh so hard? Is it because I’m Canadian?

    Comment by bschooled | December 8, 2010 | Reply

    • Well then I’m probably even more suited to your tastes then. Not only do I sport a hollow appendage, it’s hardly even there! Which makes it hard to store stuff in though. And while I can’t make a light rail system sound hot, I can make talking about a light rail system sound hot-ish.

      Think about it! ……..????

      Thanks B!!

      PS- Let me know.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 9, 2010 | Reply

  22. Just don’t inhale Hillary, just don’t inhale !!!

    Comment by frigginloon | December 9, 2010 | Reply

    • But nice people do inhale.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 9, 2010 | Reply

  23. I never imagined Hilary as the sweet, naive and submissive type, but I suppose any ballsy Dominatrix might switch for Silvio.

    Your version of Wikileaks is so enjoyable. Leak on!

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | December 9, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s true. His testosterone levels destroy every other hormone and personality trait in any given room. He is THAT Italian.

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 10, 2010 | Reply

  24. Obama needs to remind em who’s boss.
    Ahhhh, i see. lol

    Comment by Artswebshow | December 10, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, they didn’t want that one going public.

      Thanks Artswebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 10, 2010 | Reply

  25. Spot on, mi amigo. SPOT the F on!!! Hilariastical (my new word for comedy brilliance).

    I’m slowly easing into the blog thing again, like good sex.

    Comment by invasive1 | December 10, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh sorry. It’s me . . . Dan. Still on the down low, eh. McGinley. There. I broke my name down into two seperate areas, like a James Bond trick, if I were British and uh . . . Daniel Craig.

      Comment by DMC | December 11, 2010 | Reply

      • I knew it was you, lying low in the cut. You play it the same way my Bmore/DC ‘friends’ used to play it. All smooth like in ‘Hamsterdam.’

        Thanks, uh… DMC!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 11, 2010 | Reply

    • I like the word; it works like a Dominican landscaper.

      Good sex? I usually find it by accident. The same way I always used to end up in Baltimore when I was trying to go to DC.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 11, 2010 | Reply

  26. Funny stuff Scott. I am seeing one of these every document dump. Nice.

    Comment by Fundamental Jelly | December 10, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s what I thought FJ. I am hoping they really do have something about aliens next time, mostly so I can satirize it.

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 11, 2010 | Reply

  27. I can’t find your e-mail

    that last pic in my post is Sarah and Kate Gosselin after they spent a night together in a tent

    Kate prefers 5 star and Sarah thought Kate was … who the hell knows what Sarah thinks

    Comment by dianne | December 12, 2010 | Reply


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