Zodi’s Blog

A very Smurfy Christmas Letter

Dear Smurfily and friends, 

 

2010 has been an eventful year for the Smurf clan. We’ve had our ups, downs and Smurfarounds but we have always persevered and held strong to our faith in The Flying Spaghetti Smurf. We are lucky to still be around I suppose. Our critics assumed that we would be Smurfed off by irony or mercury poisoning long before now. Although our Smurfily has suffered a calamitous tragedy (more on that below) we are still growing strong and Smurfpering.

.

 

Our unwavering faith in Flying Spaghetti Smurf has kept us strong.

 

– Our proud patriarch, Grandpa Smurf, has miraculously made a full recovery from triple bypass Smurfery in July. Within mere days he had his Smurfy disposition back and was asking Nursey Smurf for a Smurfjob. He then boasted to the whole family that she had actually Smurfed him. Luckily we were able to narrowly avoid a Smurfsuit. Grandpa Smurf is now back in his Smurfdominium in Florida. We’re sure that his new wife, Golddigger Smurf is giving him all the Smurfjobs he could want.

 

– Prince Smurfly has finally proposed to Debutant Smurf and the answer was a Smurftastic yes! The Smurfily could not be any happier. We were secretly terrified that he was going to Smurf her up before making her an honest Smurf. We didn’t want to have to Smurf any more brake lines.

 

– Last we heard from Brainy Smurf he was still Smurfy with his hush hush job at the Department of Smurfense in Smurfantico Virginia. Brainy Smurf is still a bachelor, much to the chagrin of his father and me. We’re sure that if he had a spare moment to call his own Smurfs; he’d want to wish us all a Smurfy Christmas. Hopefully next year he’ll use that big brain of his to understand the importance of Smurfily.

     

– Our lovely daughter, Stripper Smurf, has been clean and sober for over two years now and is still quite content with her job at The Player’s Ball. She was recently promoted to a Champaign Room Smurf which will bring her a tidy sum in newfound tips. (Invest well Stripper Smurf!) She has always set the academic standard in the family and this past June she completed her third bachelors degree, this time in Computer Sciences. She is still hard at work on both a Masters of Smurf Arts and a Doctorate in Smurfucation. Stripper Smurf also hopes to be granted visitation rights to her two children who are still in Smurfster Care due to the unpleasantness of a few years ago. Stripper Smurf is lucky in love once again and has moved in with a nice man she met at one of her meetings. Stripper Smurf has purchased another Chihuahua (Cyrstal Smurf) and we’re all hoping this one is in better health than poor little Icy Smurf who died suddenly while resting in Stripper Smurf’s purse last New Smurf’s Eve.

.

 

I swear, there’s a Smurf for everything I need. Or at least a naked blue chick. Which is good too.

 

– Greedy Smurf has left Smurf Waterhouse after being offered the Senior VP slot over at Goldman Smurfs. The gig came with a 10 million sign on bonus but I doubt the Smurfily will see any of that money.

 

– Greedy Smurf’s son, Junkie Smurf, almost died after oversmurfing on Smurf earlier this year. After the close call, Junkie Smurf went to rehab but soon relapsed after realizing that he was Junkie Smurf and that was his familial role, after all.

 

– As most of you know, after Shia Smurf’s nephew was injured in a Smurf bomb he declared a fatwa on Sunni Smurf and his kin. Since then, the two Smurfilies have been mired in incessant Smurfering and barbaric violence. Perhaps by this time next year they will come to their Smurf senses.

 

– Fundy Smurf is still Smurf schooling her children despite the pleas from the rest of the Smurfily. She usually dismisses our concern for demonic possession. Fundy Smurf took her family to the Creation Museum for their vacation this year where the Smurfettes learned all about how Smurfus Christ rode Smurfosaurs from village to village! (Some Smurf needs to invent a sarcasm font.)        

 

– Nobody has seen Ninja Smurf this year. That makes 12 years in a row. Great job Ninja Smurf!

 

– Zombie Smurf is still in quarantine so as to prevent a Smurfpocalypse.

.

 

Is anyone else as inappropriately excited as I am that there is a Zombie Smurf? There’s a Smurf for everything!

 

– Racist Smurf has spent the last year valiantly defending our borders and preserving our Smurfly culture.     

 

– Rapture Smurf is still waiting patiently but not accomplishing much else.

 

– Now, to address the elephant in the room. We are of course, all still mourning the deaths of Sleepy Smurf, Clumsy Smurf, Hefty Smurf, Rescue Smurf, Hero Smurf, Pokey Smurf, Awkward Smurf, Whiteboy Smurf and Chubby Smurf. Their violent and smurfless deaths could have easily been avoided if Preoccupied Smurf had not been the one left in charge of sounding the alarm in the event that the O’Malley’s cat got out. This is a mistake that we are all going to have to Smurf with. We need to honor these Smurfs and to ensure that nothing like this will ever happen again by training our TSA Smurfs to inspect your Smurfjunk. We have also started a pre-emptive war with the Jacksons, just in case they have a hidden cat we didn’t know about or were thinking about getting one at some point in the future.

 

– Lastly, Papa Smurf and I are both Smurfing along as we always have. Papa Smurf is still content to govern Smurfville with the guidance of the Flying Spaghetti Smurf. He is still chairman of the Smurfville chamber of Commerce and is looked upon as an inspired leader in the national Blueberry Slurpee Party. I’m now a senior card cataloger at the library. I have also begun volunteering at the local Smurf kitchen, which gives me a chance to keep up with Junkie Smurf. I also still have my knitting, canning and cross-stitching to keep the isolation and lonliness at bay. If any of you Smurfs would like to give an old Smurf a moment of happiness and can manage to spare a moment for the women who Smurfed you out of her Smurf, then a phone call or letter would be Smurftastic. Although I’d probably drop dead of a Smurf attack from the sheer shock of it. Just Smurfing…please call me.

.

 

From now on this blog is going all Smurf, all the Smurfing time!

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December 19, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

56 Comments »

  1. Loved this.

    Where do you get your creative mind? Must be from all the drugs. 😉

    P.S- Loved zombie smurf!

    Comment by candice | December 19, 2010 | Reply

    • I think it is a potent combination of all the drugs I used to do and all the nothing I do now due to Spain’s aversion to pharmaceutical relief.

      It’s crazy but my mind seems to work better on its own. Who knew?

      Isn’t he freaking awesome!

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 19, 2010 | Reply

  2. That letter sure beats the ones I get from my wife’s friends talking about Jonny making his baseball team (of which everyone gets to join b/c it is tee ball) and sally joining the girl scouts.

    Comment by Bearman | December 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Don’t you hate those?

      I also want to do a Gypsy one but it might be too old, after Christmas.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 19, 2010 | Reply

  3. Nothing like waking up to a bloggysmurf talking about Papa Smurf getting a sj. You are definitely the Smurf.

    Smurfy Christmas!

    Comment by Lisa | December 19, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s how I prefer to wake up as well. So much better than the alternative of real life. Now if I could just find a Smurfjob.

      Smurfy Christmas back atcha!

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 19, 2010 | Reply

  4. Stripper Smurf? I don’t think you’re allowed to invent female Smurfs because it undermines the position of Smurfette. I sense a cat fight in the making.

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | December 19, 2010 | Reply

    • You aren’t really supposed to mention cat-anything just lately. They’re all still pretty sensitive about the tragedy. But yea, there will be blood.

      Blood and meth.

      Thanks Gorilla Bananas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 19, 2010 | Reply

  5. I’m glad to see Junkie Smurf has finally hit rock bottom. After all, it’s only when you hit that point that you realize your family always liked you best when you could be safely tagged “junkie” rather than all the extra baggage and phone calls and tiresome support of dealing with a “recovering addict.”

    It’s always “me, me, me” with those smurfing former addicts whose life is on the mend. “Help ME find a job.” “Loan ME $200 for something not drug-related.” “Help ME, I think I’m bleeding internally.”

    It’s so much better when they’re smurfing it off somewhere, physically unable to lift the phone and interrupt Xmas dinner with a plea for a ride to the ER.

    Smurfing smurfs.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | December 19, 2010 | Reply

    • I know just what you mean on two counts. First of all, your loved ones feel better when they can safely fit you into no more than three predictable niches. You can be the joker, the creative one and the gay one, that’s all fine. But then if you push past those boundaries and also become the aggravated assaulty one everybody gets all “What?”

      Secondly, I’ve had my fill of recovering people and they are the most insufferable pussies on earth. When I quit shooting heroin with a turkey baster (true story) and smoking crack with a catalytic converter (also true) I did it the old fashioned way. I tied myself to a republican in Nebraska.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 20, 2010 | Reply

  6. I loved Zombie Smurf too. Now I want a Zombie Troll!

    Comment by Pamela Villars | December 19, 2010 | Reply

    • I know, I want them all now too Pamela. I’m actually going to try to buy Ninja Smurf today.

      Thanks Pamela!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 20, 2010 | Reply

  7. Funny, I must be way out of the loop because the only Smurfs I ever knew about or met was way back on the Appalacian Trail years ago, I helped Papa Smurf meet up with his Momma Smurf at a store where they bought me a beer and invited me to their campsite for the evening. They never mentioned an extended family that they left behind to walk the trail.

    Comment by Micky-T | December 19, 2010 | Reply

    • I could be wrong Micky but I believe that you may have gotten Smurfs confused with methamphetamine addicts. While they both look similar due to the bluish tint, Smurfs are only 4 to 6 inches tall while most meth addicts are between 4 and 6 feet. Another great way to tell that you’ve got a meth addict as opposed to a Smurf is that a meth addict will be less likely to break out in song. Or if they did, you wouldn’t be at all impressed.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 20, 2010 | Reply

  8. Killed off by mercury poisoning – hahahahaha!

    Comment by nursemyra | December 19, 2010 | Reply

    • They are much more susceptible to the higher levels found in tuna nowadays.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 20, 2010 | Reply

  9. Burger Smurf wishes you a joyous Christmas and New Year’s with fries and mayo.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | December 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Actually that sounds like a damn fine Christmas meal. I could eat a burger all day.

      And same to you!

      Thanks Burger Smurf!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 20, 2010 | Reply

  10. Irony poisoning! I love it! Yes, someone needs to make a sarcasm font, but, I don’t think you need it 😉

    Comment by Reb | December 20, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh and a Smurfy Christmas to you too!

      Comment by Reb | December 20, 2010 | Reply

      • Smurfy Christmas and Smurfy New Smurf to you as well!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 20, 2010 | Reply

    • It will get you every time. I’m glad you noticed, that was one of my favorite lines.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 20, 2010 | Reply

  11. I’m smurfless!!!

    For some reason my eyes keep bouncing from the Pats-Packers game, your blog, and that picture of the blue girl. It’s like . . .

    “First down”

    “Smurfs!”

    “Blue girl!”

    “Reception!”

    “Smurfs!”

    And it just keeps cycling, like those recorded loops robbers use on security cameras as they rob the bank blind, and then some actor with a great voice like the Allstate guy who played the prez on “24” tries to talk them down, but a super hot FBI agent is one of the hostages . . . oh!

    “Blue girl!”

    “Play action sweep!”

    “Smurfopolous!”

    And so it goes. Trade you salvia for ADDS medication?

    Comment by invasive1 | December 20, 2010 | Reply

    • I know exactly what you mean Dan because my mind does the exact same thing. Only I don’t have live football or the fake black pres or the real black pres. Instead I have the blue stripper, a jar of loose change I like to shake when my dog is misbehaving, a box of digital porn that keeps hiding itself and a screaming Gypsy a block away. But it’s the same effect. Trust me.

      And I need some ADD meds even more than I need the Salvia.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 20, 2010 | Reply

  12. I hate Smurfs. Hate Em!! Don’t ask. It’s a painful memory. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | December 20, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m guessing that there was a bathtub ‘incident?’ I’ll just go with that.

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 21, 2010 | Reply

  13. I kept trying to pick a favorite smurf, but it kept changing. Ninja smurf, zombie smurf…. It was just too difficult.

    Way to go for mentioning all of them! No one felt left out this holiday season.

    Comment by thoughtsappear | December 20, 2010 | Reply

    • I can’t decide between Ninja or Zombie either. I’m buying one of everything when I move back. I didn’t mention them all. There are thousands. I don’t know if I’ll be capable of a non-Smurf related blog ever again.

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 21, 2010 | Reply

  14. I love smurfs and blue is one of my favorite colors!

    Zombie smurf is not so cute. Kinda brutal. He should be scary Smurf.

    Comment by Candy | December 20, 2010 | Reply

    • I worship Smurfs now as well. I’m sold on their lifestyle of Smurfonism.

      No Scary Smurf lives in the Bible belt and is running for president in 2012 with Sarah Palin.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 21, 2010 | Reply

  15. I Smurfing Smurf you.

    -Wino Smurf

    Comment by Amy | December 20, 2010 | Reply

    • I Smurfing Smurf you too. I’d Smurf your Smurf if you asked me to.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 21, 2010 | Reply

  16. “I’ll take “Who’s the naked blue chick ?” for one thousand, Alex.”

    Comment by HEFF | December 20, 2010 | Reply

    • You are correct for 800 Heff, next clue?

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 21, 2010 | Reply

  17. I didn’t realise those Smurfs were smurfin everywhere! Thats smurftastic, just like yr blog!

    (ps – I named my childhood dog Smurfy, seemed like a good idea until i had to call it out loud in a park full of people….)

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | December 20, 2010 | Reply

    • They are my new Gods. I think I reverted back to childhood when I did this post. Because now I can’t step away.

      My dog’s name is Puppy but I nicknamed him Francisco Franco. That’s a problem when I call him too.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 21, 2010 | Reply

  18. Are smurfs edible? What wine goes with them? Should you brine them prior to baking? Can their skin be used to make shoes, coats, etc.? What sound do they make when plopped into boiling water? Is there an open season on them? So many questions, so many smurfs.

    Comment by jammer5 | December 22, 2010 | Reply

    • No, of course they are not edible. They are far too adorable to be edible. They are also blue due to, I’m guessing, mercury poisoning. So I definitely wouldn’t eat them.

      Please don’t eat them. They’re also my shroom connect.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 23, 2010 | Reply

      • But they’ll overpopulate, cross borders, have smurfbrats who will overload the system, ask for smurfcare, smurfstamps, smurfwelfare, smurfeducation and all manner of smurfstuff. Besides, mercury is heavy so it’ll sink to the bottom of the pot.

        BTW, can you link me up with your smurfshroom contact?

        Comment by jammer5 | December 23, 2010 | Reply

        • All of that is very true Jammer but their Smurfy culture is so Smurfing Smurfy that it all balances out in the long run. For instance, if you take one Smurf at the Smurfconomy that they Smurfulate you’ll see that the financial incentives are Smurfy.

          Absosmurfly! They’re good too.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 23, 2010 | Reply

          • Smurfulating is all fine and dandy, but what if one wants to smurfify your daughter? Think about it: little blue and white checkered smurfettes running all over the place, wanting to be taken to the nearest smurfchurch, mixing with non-checkered smurfs and other people, not knowing or caring about history and what it means to non-smurf people. Next, they’ll be wanting to run for office and changing the official language to smurflish.

            Think about the military: Having to shower with smurfs, not knowing what they’re thinking of nekid humans and wondering if they’ll try to smurfilize you when you drop the soap. It’s a dangerous precedent you’re trying to set here, bro. I see nothing but years of political mayhem here.

            Comment by jammer5 | December 24, 2010 | Reply

            • I’m honestly hoping that my daughter does marry one. I’d never have to worry about him treating her right because he’d have to. If he was abusive she could just step on him, if he was a degenerate gambler she could just lock him in a shoebox with air holes using only a little piece of gray tape.

              You can’t resist change Jammer. We can’t ever stop the world from changing, it’s up to us to adapt or die.

              God bless us one and all!

              Thanks Jammer!!

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 24, 2010 | Reply

  19. I was at Macys yesterday enjoying the wonder of obnoxious crowds and parking a continent away from the entrance and being uplifted by christmas music ALL the time

    and lo and behold what did my eyes see!?

    Macy Smurf

    yes I would never kid about something so holy

    they were everywhere – hanging from trees, sitting on cash registers, peeking out from racks of designer jeans
    they were even in the rest room – I didn’t tip since they didn’t offer a warm towel

    and for just 20 or 30 or a million dollars (I forget) I could take one home!

    I swear my granny panties were wet from the sheer delight of it!!

    I caught the eye of one Smurf by the escaltor, I hope he calls in time to take me to see Blue Man Group for New Years

    I love ya, you fucking genius you
    Merry Merry

    Comment by dianne | December 23, 2010 | Reply

    • Holy Smurf, that’s awesome that you got to see a real life Smurf in the flesh. I hope you at least got to touch the hem of his Smurfers?

      I do not miss those Christmas crowds or those Christmas assholes pumping their Christmas cheer right up your Christmas ass 24/7 at all. I do miss Macy’s though. I can’t wait to see what you send me.

      And that line was brilliant Diane. I want to spend all day every day making granny panties wet from now on. Or at least talking about it.

      Thanks Diane, I Smurf you too!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 23, 2010 | Reply

  20. I’m glad I’m not the only one with a fatwa. Damn those Sunni Smurfs, they are always making trouble and kaboom vests!!!!

    A big Merry Friggin Christmas Zodi (and to all your blogger fans) and here’s hoping the photo caption comp comes back in the New Year 🙂

    Comment by frigginloon | December 23, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s fatwa season Loon. All suicide vests are priced to sell. With the purchase of every IED we will throw in one old Timex detonator. Tis the season to save!!

      Thanks Loon, same to you!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 23, 2010 | Reply

  21. I knew Smurfette would turn into a stripper. She just had that look about her. I’m glad she cleaned up her act.

    Poor Chubby Smurf. Spent his whole life being chubby, only to suffer a horrific death.

    Dianne is right, you are a fucking genius!

    xoxo Merry Christmas Scott!

    b:)

    Comment by bschooled | December 23, 2010 | Reply

    • I had a feeling as well. As soon as she saw the attention she received for wearing that short Smurf, she was destined for the pole. Plus, she really likes meth and college and they are both expensive habits.

      Merry Christmas to you as well! This one is a hell of a lot better than last year.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 23, 2010 | Reply

  22. I like Stripper Smurf the best, of course, and you know, Racist Smurf isn’t that bad a guy. That racism is just out of insecurity.

    Have a Smurfy Christmas, buddy!!

    Comment by Dr. Ken | December 23, 2010 | Reply

    • She grows on you. Especially after the Champaign room Smurfment. And you’re right he isn’t that bad at all. A lot of it is fear as well. Fear and Fox News.

      Merry Christmas to you too!

      Thanks Dr. Ken!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 23, 2010 | Reply

      • Hey, what happened to Vodka and Ground Beef? Like yours, I just find it and liked it, but unlike yours, it vanished.

        Comment by Dr. Ken | December 27, 2010 | Reply

        • Her work went all Nazi Fascist Mother Fucker and told her if that if she didn’t delete the blog and stop making vagina jokes they were going to take away her means to buy vodka.

          You can understand her decision…

          Thanks Dr. Ken!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 28, 2010 | Reply

  23. lol, if i counted how many times you wrote smurf in this i’d be here all day.:D
    Pure smurfiness.
    Very entertaining post

    Comment by Artswebshow | December 27, 2010 | Reply

    • Well maybe not all day but at least 15 minutes and that’s too long to be counting anything.

      Thanks Artswebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 28, 2010 | Reply

  24. “Smurfed her out of her smurf” – so adorably funny!
    Hope you had a lovely Christmas.

    Comment by gazingatnavels | December 29, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s the most expressive language ever.

      I did thanks. Hope you did as well!

      Thanks Gazingatnavels!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 29, 2010 | Reply


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