The Love God

After reading a few of your blogs and reading some of your comments I’ve come to the conclusion that most of you could use some help in the relationship department. I’ve decided that my extensive knowledge of women in addition to my innate sensitivity and otherworldly charm plus my real good writing skills all combine to make me the perfect person to assist you in driving the puck to the hoop and shooting a homerun knockout in the sexual arena. Don’t worry, I’m better at advice giving than I am at sports analogies.      

Chuck is also a Love God. He’ll put a fist right through your orgasm. Wait. That’s looks a lot different written down than it sounded in my head. Sorry.

I’ve always been a bit of a ladies man. I have slept with close to 10 women so far and I’m only 37…(Holla playa!) and if you count ‘other sexish stuff’ and maybe round up, the number is actually at 10. But these woman are more than merely notches on a bedpost, they are also beautiful, sensitive human beings whose names and *info are kept in a safety deposit box. *Info is a list of embarrassing details of our love life/their past, plus as many hours of video as I was able to record, that they probably don’t want their current boyfriend or husband to find out about. This is just one of the ways that one can supplement their income through love. Remember folks, it’s only blackmail if you use the post office, and get caught, AND that’s what the douchey prosecutor decides to charge you with. I think it also has to involve an African American or really dark Latino as well. But we’ll leave it to the lawyers to worry about that minutia.           

I only bring these women/witnesses for the prosecution up because I feel that they serve to validate my credentials as a Love God. Because not only did I have sex with 8 different women (lots and lots of it too) but 7 of these 8 relationships ended in miserable failure. And tears. And sometimes ash. Plus sexual relationship #8 is still on the fence. I think. I’m not really sure because I didn’t ask. Maybe I should ask. Nah, it’ll work itself out. Anyway, as someone who is awesome at learning from failure (me) I am super qualified to help you. See? You can learn from MY mistakes. Doesn’t that make more sense than burning down your own house? So to speak.         

Remember God? Well God wants me to help you have sex.

I know that I have a tendency to not be able to stick to a particular subject matter for more than a few weeks but this time is going to be different, I swear. –BTW, that line works like magic if your partner says they’ve ‘had enough of your shit’ and they’re ‘leaving you for someone that doesn’t burn down the house because they’ve passed out with a cigarette burning as well as with a Steak-Um burning on the stove making the direct cause of the fire hard to pinpoint.’ Anyway, I’d like to make The Love God an every other week post. Sometimes I’ll just give advice. But sometimes I’ll need your help too. I need you guys to come up with questions that only the Love God can answer. You can ask these hilarious questions in the comments or email me if you wish to remain anonymous.          

For this introductory post I’ll keep it short since I’ve already rambled on stating my obvious over-qualifications. So in the interests of simplicity here are just a few things you can do to turn up the sexual heat in an already happy, healthy relationship.         

If you are a girl or are ‘the girl’ in the sex stuff do this…         

– Splurge on a new set of lingerie. Or wash your old set to get the previous splurge off of it. Remember, it’s ok to use used lingerie just as long as it doesn’t have that used lingerie smell.            

-Yell from another room, “Hey Bob, let’s go have sex.” This will work whether your partner’s name is Bob or not. As a matter of fact the sex may be better if Bob isn’t his name. He’ll really be trying to make more of an impression that way.         

– Instead of watching Fox News over dinner, tell him about your experimental lesbian/ecstasy fueled orgy phase during your sophomore year in college. I don’t think you’ll even make it through the meal.         

Does anyone in the world not want them to have sex?

– Promise to show him where your *G-spot is, and promise him that you will quickly *orgasm. *Both the G-spot and the female orgasm may be urban legends, but he will believe you. Because he’s horny.             

– Break out the kink. Nothing will spice up the atmosphere quicker than some black leather, pink handcuffs, a tightly bound colon (that’s like a ‘thing’ these days, yea?) and a giant Lakers’ inspired dildo. I mean, if you’re into that sort of sick shit.         

– Take a shower and come out naked. If he doesn’t immediately respond, remind him that it’s late July and this ‘after shower freshness’ has a very limited warranty.         

If you are a man or the one who straps a penis to their groin area, then do this…         

– Tell her she looks ravishing. Especially if she doesn’t. Then do your best to ravish her. Use radishes if necessary. I couldn’t help that, sorry, I really tried. I like rhymey words.         

– Reorganize your fridge.         

Just remember not to cook (or smoke) while you are super drunk.

– Buy her a puppy. However you must remember to take the puppy back to the pet store or shelter immediately following intercourse or you won’t have anymore intercourse for  the next 2 to 3 months. Puppies are super time intensive. And cleaning up piss and shit and vomit while having to throw 300 dollar Italian shoes in the garbage is kind of a turn off.               

– Using subtlety and words, but mainly words, let her know that you have some nice pre-ejaculate waiting for her when she’s ready. Then wink seductively while snapping your fingers and pointing at her.            

– Have a long (at least 25 minute) intimate conversation where you coerce her to talk about her feelings (which may or may not be an urban legend) and her past. Take note not to pay too close attention or you’ll either become overly jealous and ragey or say something stupid, probably both. Use her words (the ones you allow through the filter) to determine which of her exes that she still may have feelings for. Now you simply need to find him and beat him half to death with a large landscaping tool. When you arrive back at your dwelling, proudly display the blood and bits of hair on your hands like a peacock would display his colorful penis. (I don’t know that much about farming, sorry.) Her first reaction may be anger and she may even call the police leading to your arrest and a lengthy prison sentence, but don’t let that fool you. Now you are firmly established as the alpha male and her heart and vaginal gear will be forever yours. Congratulations, you’ve just secured some retirement sex!         

He’s very well put together. And by very well put together, I mean spray tanned.

– Become Metrosexual without losing your masculinity. Just be Derek Jeter-like.         

Don’t forget people, I need questions if I’m going to be giving advice. So please start inundating me!