Zodi’s Blog

The Love God

After reading a few of your blogs and reading some of your comments I’ve come to the conclusion that most of you could use some help in the relationship department. I’ve decided that my extensive knowledge of women in addition to my innate sensitivity and otherworldly charm plus my real good writing skills all combine to make me the perfect person to assist you in driving the puck to the hoop and shooting a homerun knockout in the sexual arena. Don’t worry, I’m better at advice giving than I am at sports analogies.      

Chuck is also a Love God. He’ll put a fist right through your orgasm. Wait. That’s looks a lot different written down than it sounded in my head. Sorry.

I’ve always been a bit of a ladies man. I have slept with close to 10 women so far and I’m only 37…(Holla playa!) and if you count ‘other sexish stuff’ and maybe round up, the number is actually at 10. But these woman are more than merely notches on a bedpost, they are also beautiful, sensitive human beings whose names and *info are kept in a safety deposit box. *Info is a list of embarrassing details of our love life/their past, plus as many hours of video as I was able to record, that they probably don’t want their current boyfriend or husband to find out about. This is just one of the ways that one can supplement their income through love. Remember folks, it’s only blackmail if you use the post office, and get caught, AND that’s what the douchey prosecutor decides to charge you with. I think it also has to involve an African American or really dark Latino as well. But we’ll leave it to the lawyers to worry about that minutia.           

I only bring these women/witnesses for the prosecution up because I feel that they serve to validate my credentials as a Love God. Because not only did I have sex with 8 different women (lots and lots of it too) but 7 of these 8 relationships ended in miserable failure. And tears. And sometimes ash. Plus sexual relationship #8 is still on the fence. I think. I’m not really sure because I didn’t ask. Maybe I should ask. Nah, it’ll work itself out. Anyway, as someone who is awesome at learning from failure (me) I am super qualified to help you. See? You can learn from MY mistakes. Doesn’t that make more sense than burning down your own house? So to speak.         

Remember God? Well God wants me to help you have sex.

I know that I have a tendency to not be able to stick to a particular subject matter for more than a few weeks but this time is going to be different, I swear. –BTW, that line works like magic if your partner says they’ve ‘had enough of your shit’ and they’re ‘leaving you for someone that doesn’t burn down the house because they’ve passed out with a cigarette burning as well as with a Steak-Um burning on the stove making the direct cause of the fire hard to pinpoint.’ Anyway, I’d like to make The Love God an every other week post. Sometimes I’ll just give advice. But sometimes I’ll need your help too. I need you guys to come up with questions that only the Love God can answer. You can ask these hilarious questions in the comments or email me if you wish to remain anonymous.          

For this introductory post I’ll keep it short since I’ve already rambled on stating my obvious over-qualifications. So in the interests of simplicity here are just a few things you can do to turn up the sexual heat in an already happy, healthy relationship.         

If you are a girl or are ‘the girl’ in the sex stuff do this…         

– Splurge on a new set of lingerie. Or wash your old set to get the previous splurge off of it. Remember, it’s ok to use used lingerie just as long as it doesn’t have that used lingerie smell.            

-Yell from another room, “Hey Bob, let’s go have sex.” This will work whether your partner’s name is Bob or not. As a matter of fact the sex may be better if Bob isn’t his name. He’ll really be trying to make more of an impression that way.         

– Instead of watching Fox News over dinner, tell him about your experimental lesbian/ecstasy fueled orgy phase during your sophomore year in college. I don’t think you’ll even make it through the meal.         

Does anyone in the world not want them to have sex?

– Promise to show him where your *G-spot is, and promise him that you will quickly *orgasm. *Both the G-spot and the female orgasm may be urban legends, but he will believe you. Because he’s horny.             

– Break out the kink. Nothing will spice up the atmosphere quicker than some black leather, pink handcuffs, a tightly bound colon (that’s like a ‘thing’ these days, yea?) and a giant Lakers’ inspired dildo. I mean, if you’re into that sort of sick shit.         

– Take a shower and come out naked. If he doesn’t immediately respond, remind him that it’s late July and this ‘after shower freshness’ has a very limited warranty.         

If you are a man or the one who straps a penis to their groin area, then do this…         

– Tell her she looks ravishing. Especially if she doesn’t. Then do your best to ravish her. Use radishes if necessary. I couldn’t help that, sorry, I really tried. I like rhymey words.         

– Reorganize your fridge.         

Just remember not to cook (or smoke) while you are super drunk.

– Buy her a puppy. However you must remember to take the puppy back to the pet store or shelter immediately following intercourse or you won’t have anymore intercourse for  the next 2 to 3 months. Puppies are super time intensive. And cleaning up piss and shit and vomit while having to throw 300 dollar Italian shoes in the garbage is kind of a turn off.               

– Using subtlety and words, but mainly words, let her know that you have some nice pre-ejaculate waiting for her when she’s ready. Then wink seductively while snapping your fingers and pointing at her.            

– Have a long (at least 25 minute) intimate conversation where you coerce her to talk about her feelings (which may or may not be an urban legend) and her past. Take note not to pay too close attention or you’ll either become overly jealous and ragey or say something stupid, probably both. Use her words (the ones you allow through the filter) to determine which of her exes that she still may have feelings for. Now you simply need to find him and beat him half to death with a large landscaping tool. When you arrive back at your dwelling, proudly display the blood and bits of hair on your hands like a peacock would display his colorful penis. (I don’t know that much about farming, sorry.) Her first reaction may be anger and she may even call the police leading to your arrest and a lengthy prison sentence, but don’t let that fool you. Now you are firmly established as the alpha male and her heart and vaginal gear will be forever yours. Congratulations, you’ve just secured some retirement sex!         

He’s very well put together. And by very well put together, I mean spray tanned.

– Become Metrosexual without losing your masculinity. Just be Derek Jeter-like.         

Don’t forget people, I need questions if I’m going to be giving advice. So please start inundating me!

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July 29, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , ,

83 Comments »

  1. I like the “or girl in the sex stuff” and “the one who straps on the penis”! Laughed at the way this is written and look forward to a lot more from The Love God.

    Plus, learning from your mistakes sounds a lot more fun than learning from mine.

    Comment by The Late Stork | July 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Well thank you! I imagine that you will be hearing a lot more from the Love God. At least until I get bored or run out of material. But I need questions…!

      Thanks TLS!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

  2. Oh, and the fridge idea – different. I would like advice on how to sift out the non-love gods before getting into any close enounters with them.

    Comment by The Late Stork | July 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Hmm, that gives me an idea for a post at least; how to separate the wheat from the chaff. Good question!

      Thanks TLS!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

  3. Awesome! I’m going to add radishes to my boyfriend’s grocery list.

    Comment by thoughtsappear | July 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Being ravished with radishes does sound… intriguing!

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

      • There are large white Asian radishes called “daikon”, long and pointy. It helps that they sound like a “dyke icon”.

        Comment by Mitzi G Burger | July 30, 2010 | Reply

        • Wow, you’re right. That does help me.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

  4. I’m going to try some of these ideas on the next woman who is unlucky enough to be alone in a closed space with me.

    Comment by Jay | July 29, 2010 | Reply

    • It looks like you will be having an eventful weekend then!

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

  5. It took a while for my myopic eyes to pick up the “U” in that fridge of awesomeness. So to me it looked like it was saying, “I want to eat yo’ baby.” Which has a decidedly unsexy connotation, especially if you’re a mother.

    Also? I giggled so much while typing this comment that I kinda don’t even care whether it makes anyone else laugh. But if it does? Awesome.

    Comment by Megan @Momlarky | July 29, 2010 | Reply

    • “Maybe the dingo ate yo baby.” Sorry, I absolutely must use that old line from Seinfeld every chance I get. Because really, how many chances do you get to use it? The only other time I did was when my friend’s boss had a pet parrot named Baby who got really sick when the landscapers around the office park where she worked sprayed something. The woman came out screaming, “My Baby, My Baby.”

      I felt bad but what normal human being could resist? It’s not like it was a real baby at least.

      Thanks Megan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m laughing…

      Comment by Walker | July 30, 2010 | Reply

  6. do these ideas work on men? or do I just have to show up?

    Comment by Reb | July 29, 2010 | Reply

    • It completely depends on the age of the relationship. If it’s under a year, just show up. Over, you might have to wash some lingerie…

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

  7. For the uggos out there, you should give some solutions to people who are are ugly and maybe can’t get a date (Or laid). Trust me. It’s a lot of people that that will cover. Other than that, nice idea. Looking forward to the next one.

    Comment by Michael Horn | July 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, I would guess that would be a high percentage of the population. The only thing is that a lot of ugly people don’t know that they are ugly. Plus everyone is beautiful to someone else. It’s true.

      Still, this is another great idea for a post!

      Thanks Michael!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

  8. I couldn’t stop laughing while I read this. Does that make me a bad person?

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | July 29, 2010 | Reply

    • No. As long as it doesn’t make me a bad person for writing it.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

  9. Another doozy…

    Spot-on with the shower-freshness point—speaking of limited warranties (and I apologize in advance for the where this will inevitably lead)—>>Shaved Vaginas: As cool as they are in an edition of Swank—in reality, it’s really a timing-based issue that can be more of hassle than anything else…

    Would I go down on my hypothetical girlfriend 53-minutes after she shaved? Of course I would…Would I go down on her 53-hours after she shaved?…ummm…I’ll answer that with another question—Do I want to feel like I’m making out with a toothless cowboy? Negative sir…

    Cheers,

    -s

    Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau | July 29, 2010 | Reply

    • You make a very good point. And you must have dated a lot of Italians Don’t worry, I have as well. I am half Italian after all but the hair issue can be a problem. I’ve once dated a girl and while I was in the middle (so to speak) of a moment (so to speak) I noticed that she had hair on her back. Like noticeable hair. And this was a young, hot 20 something. She was an Italian. But in her defense, it would be pretty hard to even know if you had hair on your back and thus do something about it.

      I’ve ‘heard’ that the Northern Europeans don’t have these issues.

      Thanks Ron!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

  10. LOl at the 53 hours after shaving. You see that’s why waxing is a lot better!

    Comment by The Late Stork | July 30, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s the only real option, isn’t it?

      Thanks TLS!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

      • I guess ‘seasonal’ shaving is not going to cut it. No wonder there has been no action in the love arena. I hope to remedy that by implementing your suggestions, Scott.

        Comment by elizabeth3hersh | July 30, 2010 | Reply

        • Huh, I had always thought it was enough too Elizabeth. Although I do give it a little trim up every couple weeks to. But then you have to clean the shower and it’s just a whole…thing.

          I can’t wait to get a question from your beautiful mind!

          Thanks Elizabeth!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

          • Scott, you look great. It was me that fessed up to ‘seasonal shaving’ (yes, I know…TMI…again!! 🙂

            Comment by elizabeth3hersh | July 30, 2010 | Reply

            • No, no I know. I’m totally admitting to similar grooming schedules is all. It’s never TMI on here. Never!

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 31, 2010 | Reply

              • i agree waxing 100% all the way… i dont know how some women live with the shaving… wouldnt it be itchy as hell??

                Comment by Susi Spice | July 31, 2010 | Reply

                • Thankfully, I’ve never experienced either!

                  Thanks Susi!!

                  Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 1, 2010 | Reply

    • I prefer the wildly overgrown 70’s version of a vagina—sure, you’ll spend more on shampoo annually but sometimes you have to spend the extra money if you don’t want your man getting road-rash on his chin & nose…

      Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau | July 30, 2010 | Reply

      • LOL Ron. Why road rash with waxing – or is that TMI?

        Comment by The Late Stork | July 31, 2010 | Reply

      • Wow, ok. It’s hard for me to even watch 70’s porn. I mean it doesn’t stop me, but it’s gross.

        And odor tends to cling to abundant hair…

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 31, 2010 | Reply

  11. The Italian with hair on her back – conjures up images I don’t want to see. Funny how we women can be paranoid about hair. Some of us – I thought the Northern Europeans embrace hair, in fact have a “if you’ve got it, flaunt it” mentality. Luckily I am not on the receiving end, as it were, of the hair.

    Yet on men, they MUST have some hair. Can’t imagine sliding in next to these bods who wax themselves.

    Comment by The Late Stork | July 30, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m not saying that it was a Sasquatchian carpet, just like a little downy tuft at the place where the tramp stamp is normally placed. Still, not the most appetizing look on a woman. The Swedish (and neighbors) all look pretty good to me. At least the ones coming through Southern Spain. No armpit hair that I’ve seen yet, thank God.

      I don’t know how those guys do it, or maintain it. Ugh.

      Thanks TLS!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

  12. At this rate, assuming you don’t slow down when the liverspots start ravaging your face and hands, you can probably look forward to a sexually active post-midlife that, factoring in the lots and lots, may amount to a frequency that puts you in the range of more than not bad by the time you pack it all in. And if that doesn’t make you more tolerant of backhair in your future conquests, nothing will.

    Comment by Cooper Green | July 30, 2010 | Reply

    • This was fantastic and not at all depressing information Cooper, but I don’t think that my aversion to female back hair is going to go away that easily. Besides, I’m pretty sure that my numbers are pretty much going to stay stuck where they are. This marriage thing is a bitch! My ‘problem’ has always been that I’ve gone from long term relationship to long term relationship my whole life.

      Random sex is great but I need a woman to take care of my ass.

      Thanks Cooper!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

  13. Well, I was just surfing the net looking for free stuff, and it looks like I hit the free advice jackpot!

    I don’t know much about doing sex with the ladies (only because it’s not something I can get pro bono) I’ve had a few Lakers’ inspired dildos myself.

    And I must have done something right (holla player back at’cha!), because one of them even called me back for a rematch! And we ended up going into overtime! Because we were tied! And then I got a rimshot. And a clutch shot. And…well, actually it kind of went downhill after that.

    …Er, sorry. I hope that wasn’t too much overshare on my part. I guess what I was trying to say, is that I’m really looking forward to hearing more of this sex advice you have. And not just because it’s free! (Though truth be told it does help.)

    ps. If you do learn anything about farming, keep me posted. (No reason.)

    Comment by freestuffgiver | July 30, 2010 | Reply

    • You know, if we combined your free stuff with my sexual prowess and advice we’d have something else altogether. It would be like one of those situations where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

      Speaking of parts, I just realized that I had always thought of you as a woman. I don’t know why, I guess I just assumed that no man would give away such awesome free stuff. But then I look at your avatar and read your wordstuffs and I think, maybe this phenomenal human being is really a man. If so I think you are turning me gay. And that would lead to even more goodies. Because if we were around the same size we could get all kinds of free clothes. From each other!

      Also I must say that your superb use of sports analogies is awe inspiring. And horny making. I guess what I’m saying is that you are even better than the awesome person I thought you were. And I might be gay.

      Thanks FSG!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

  14. For my usual foreplay into the wonderful world of womanal type woman chasing, I usually choose to women as my object of true affection. The length of time this feeling lasts is directly proportional to whether or not my doctor said I could handle the challenge or not. Ten minutes is usually pretty good for a codger my advanced age.

    However, by reading your excellent points, I may be able to extend (easy boy, easy) the feeling for an extra three or four minutes, which will give me time to reach the bathroom. Now if I can just find that nighty . . .

    Comment by jammer5 | July 30, 2010 | Reply

    • Okay, it’s questions you want:
      1. Why can’t I find that damn nighty?
      2. If a girl says, “Hey, dude, you’re really cute? Wanna date?” should I: get out my credit card; ask to see her “Carfax”; take her home to meet the family; look around for the undercover cop car they got me this guy I know with.
      3. If the girl’s husband shows up, should I: leave all my clothes there and run like hell; Go ahead and give him your name, since he’ll probably never visit Spain anytime soon anyway.

      Comment by jammer5 | July 30, 2010 | Reply

      • Well I can answer 1 and 2 right now. #3 I’ll save for a post.

        1- its in the closet. Under your golf clubs. And it could use a scrub.

        2- Look for the cop car.

        Good luck and God Bless!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

        • Damn, Scott, you didn’t clean it after we . . . uh . . . wait, that was the pink one . . . never mind. Thanks.

          And sorry about that, Scott, but the guy was huge, as in tree big, so he might be out your way in, say, about a week.

          Comment by jammer5 | July 31, 2010 | Reply

          • No need to apologize Jammer, it will give me a decent post or two. Oh and no, you just threw it in the direction of the laundry basket like you always do.

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 31, 2010 | Reply

    • As much as I hate to admit it, I don’t think that I totally follow you. It may be all the hallucinogenics and alcohol and weed and opiates and coke and truly unmentionables I’ve done in my life but I’m not sure what the hell you are saying.

      That you last 10 minutes? I have a cure for that! During sex, just think about baseball. If that doesn’t work then think about Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa pleasuring each other. You’ll either last a lot longer or never have sex again!

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

      • Oh, you were talking about sex. Damn, I thought you were talking about constipation. Never mind.

        Comment by jammer5 | July 30, 2010 | Reply

        • I know that opiates negatively affect both functions. But they also make you happy enough not to care…

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 31, 2010 | Reply

  15. Hmmm, the Love God of Zodiland? I wish I could say I need advice, but … I’m up to my ears in CnB as well as TnA. I’ll stop by if a sudden drought strikes.

    I’ll try to think of a question, but most of them revolve around orgy etiquette. Not sure how you’d handle this with your legendary awkwardness!

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | July 30, 2010 | Reply

    • Well you are a lucky Mitzi aren’t you! CnB and TnA….Tila Tequilla would be proud.

      I’d love to get your questions on orgy ediquette, this is exactly what I’m looking for. I’ll handle the questions with humor. If it were an orgy involving me in real life… I’d have an awkward meltdown.

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

  16. oh god you’re talking about pre-ejaculate…. I love that stuff…. *swoon*

    Comment by nursemyra | July 30, 2010 | Reply

    • As far as bodily fluids go, pre-ejaculate isn’t a bad one. It’s true.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

  17. What a great service the Love God will do for the bloggesphere!!(I can’t spell today)

    I mean, someone needs to point sexually awkward people in the right direction, don’t you think? You are the chosen one.

    Oh how your profile will rise, along with a few other parts of the human anatomy. or so you hope..heeheee

    Comment by Candy | July 30, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s ok, I can’t spell any day.

      My profile will rise? Do you mean like my Facebook profile or my nose? I wouldn’t mind the first but the second…oh wait, nevermind. Why? Will you be sending photos with your questions? It wouldn’t be discouraged…

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

  18. I notice you are only admitting to 7. Is that because you don’t want to get in trouble with number 8?

    Comment by Bearman | July 30, 2010 | Reply

    • No, it’s true. I’ve just always had long term girlfriends and even when I was a nutcase I never just jumped in bed. I did always manage to land hot girls though at least.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 30, 2010 | Reply

      • Could you do something about the size of my avatar and increase it so when I am scrolling through your thousands of fan responses, I can find mine.

        Comment by bearman | July 31, 2010 | Reply

        • I’ll have to sift through my spam comments but yea, I think I saw something for that.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 1, 2010 | Reply

  19. I lyke tha whay yew thank !

    (and by using your calculations, I have come to the mathematical conclusion that I’M A LOVE GOD TOO !!

    Comment by Heff | July 30, 2010 | Reply

    • I had come to that conclusion (without the pesky math) of that one the first time I ‘met’ you.

      You are in a band after all. And can cook. You must be!

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 31, 2010 | Reply

  20. “Using subtlety and words, but mainly words, let her know that you have some nice pre-ejaculate waiting for her when she’s ready. Then wink seductively while snapping your fingers and pointing at her.”
    That one works every time!
    And I don’t think inundating is legal around here, but if I think of something I’ll try to sneak it past border patrol.
    Awesomely funny as always, Scott!

    Comment by Amy | July 30, 2010 | Reply

    • You know I almost wrote that line tongue in check but I’m pleasantly surprised by the sheer numbers (2) of positive responses that pre-ejaculate has received from my female readers.

      I can’t wait for some of your queries!

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 31, 2010 | Reply

  21. I’ll be thinking of questions and get back to you. Some good advice so far I agree with the whole puppy thing. And I would imagine yelling “Hey Bob lets go have sex” would probably work.

    Comment by starlaschat | July 30, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m speaking from experience on the puppy thing as we just saved another puppy and as a result, I’m not getting any. Still, I have good karma awaiting me… at some point.

      Bob will love it!

      I can’t wait for your questions as well.

      Thanks Starlaschat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 31, 2010 | Reply

  22. You’re going to make a great love advisor. I’ll be staying tuned for more!

    Comment by Walker | July 30, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s great to see you again Walker. I’d hope to hear from you as well. You do have an unmatched expertise!

      Thanks Walker!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 31, 2010 | Reply

  23. Sweet Jesus you hit a gold mine, and if you made half the mistakes I made, then this could go on for like, ever. I’ll try to think of some good questions, and not to get off track here (but I always do), I got a telemarketing call yesterday for penis enhancement herbal supplements. He was aggressive and explicit, even after I recovered from severe laughter, disbelief, and naming friends that I suspected would prank me. You have left our country just before the fall. Great post. You have become a Serge Storms of the posting people!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | July 30, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s my plan that this series will go on forever. Or three months whichever of those happens first.

      Those idiot telemarketers never leave you alone, what with their hawking of absolute snake oil. They should be outlawed, all of them. Now they claim that some herb can enlarge your penis. Ha.

      What was this herb called? Can you send me some?

      I’m pretty sure that our country began falling about the time that Washington signed the civil war treaty. What? I went to college in Texas.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 31, 2010 | Reply

  24. Hey Scott,

    So glad to know I can confide in you my most intimate sex questions. That said, I am a little concerned about everyone else being able to read this and know about my problems.

    I may have to e-mail you. I’m so excited to have your expertise at my disposal!

    Comment by trishothinks | July 31, 2010 | Reply

    • Trish,

      You can confide in me just about anything. I actually prefer emails, this way I get the real juice! I’m going to be the next Dr. Drew. Only without all the pretentious arrogance!

      I can’t wait to hear from you!

      Thanks Trisho!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 31, 2010 | Reply

  25. I find just being in the same room does the trick with Excy. I’m lucky that way. Unless I don’t feel like having sex. Then he’s unlucky. I turn on the I-Pod and go along until we get along, usually, good sport that I am…someone needs to tell men that women need to be wooed – it’s all in their brain. With men it’s all in your pants. We know, we know……!
    maybe this should be a he said/she said column!

    Comment by Amy Gray Light | July 31, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow you are lucky. I don’t know that I know of a couple who has been together a little while that is still that quick to alight. Seriously, you are lucky.

      That’s mostly true but not always Amy. I’m a Pisces so I believe that at least 50% is all in my brain as well. Which can be a huge issue since… well you can see the way my brain works from this blog.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 31, 2010 | Reply

  26. I think I might stick with Dr Phil thanks Scott. His advise is less confrontational plus he’s great at finding the g-spot… but thanks anyways 🙂

    Comment by frigginloon | July 31, 2010 | Reply

    • I have to disagree with you Loon; I find Dr. Phil to be super confrontational and there is no way he can find the g-spot. And he’s douchey. Stick with me.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 1, 2010 | Reply

  27. well scott, your ignorance is just cute enough to be sexy and you seem to have just the right amount of weirdness to be interesting.. okay make this a regular thing and i’m sure i’ll keep coming back. glad you made this short but i felt myself growing older with every line. 🙂

    Comment by Lynn | July 31, 2010 | Reply

    • You make those two sad making words sound… not as bad. I’ll post something every other week but it’s not all about sex, more about relationship advice.

      That’s why I talk to my pituitary gland daily and tell it that I am getting younger.

      Thanks Lynn!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 1, 2010 | Reply

  28. Well, as casual, I’m way late for the party. But I think you’ve got the advice thing well in hand. I can’t think of anything to add (you know, for the kids) other than:

    1. Make the most of your youth by raising illegitmate children.
    2. When in doubt, blame it on “society.”

    That covers everything I’ve got. But I noticed early-on that you said you were having trouble with your sports analogies vis-a-vis sex. I thought I’d give you a few to use in your upcoming posts.

    – Sneaking one past the goalkeeper. (Surprise anal. Well, surprising for the one on the receiving… um… end.)
    – Taking it to the house. (Interruption by law enforcement at Scenic Makeout Overlook. Seek cover immediately.)
    – Dropping back to punt. (Reconsidering your options due to sudden unattractiveness/craziness/parental interruption.)
    – Shirts vs. Skins (Sometimes you don’t have a chance to get completely naked. Or you have no idea what you’re doing.)
    – 8-ball, corner pocket. (Being secure enough to “call your shot,” despite the fact that your ignorance seldom even places you in the same room as your partner. You may also need to brush up on your anatomy/see a specialist.)
    – Sticky wicket. (This really shouldn’t need a definition…)
    – Dikembe Motumbo (Slang for cunnilingus. Rarely used despite the fact that you can say it while performing the act with nearly no loss in enuciation. Has been know to increase arousal/giggling when repeated several times.)
    – Big Ben (Just a slick way of letting the world know what an enormous dick you are/possess.)
    – Icing. (Called when your moves severely outpace others’ expectations.)
    – Penalty Box. (Another hockey term, this time referring to “banger’s remorse.” Can take anywhere from 6 minutes to 6 months to develop properly.)

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | July 31, 2010 | Reply

    • This was an exceptionally informative compilation CLT, and I thank you from the bottom of my….lets see….and I thank you from the bottom of my sticky wicket. I thought you were Da Man before, after this impressive display of ….Dikembe Motumbo, I know you are Da Alpha Dog.

      I’ve already cut, pasted and saved this list into My Documents under the title Most Awesome Sex Stuff Ever and it is my new go-to list for when I need to take it to the house and sneak one past the goalie so I can point Big Ben towards the eight ball corner pocket, like a sexual Babe Ruth, and finally ice the shit out of the penalty box!

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 2, 2010 | Reply

  29. Well, I am even later than CLT, which would just make me wonderfully fashionable if not for the fact that he was so wonderfully witty, making me just look, well, late and lame….

    But you really have the Love God all sewn up Scott, so I guess all that is left is to fire off a question in much need of answering….

    Q. A *loving* young couple are caught making spritely love in the house they share with one of their parent’s. Upon being discovered, they……??

    Multiple choice answers preferred thanks Love God.

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | August 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Don’t worry too much Ruby you still look fetching and fashionable in your humble humility. Your self depreciation almost wants to clash with your biting wit but you somehow pull it off.

      This is an awesome question and I thank you for leading things of with a specific! This will be featured in an upcoming Love God post. Believe it or not the same thing happened to me as well. Talk about eating some humble pie!

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 2, 2010 | Reply

  30. OK, you really want love questions…
    How does a girl make a man fall in love, especially if she looks like Girl w/a messed up face?
    8 partners is 8 more than I ever had, Wilt Chamberlin. What is the average amount of partners that is normal by one’s 30s?
    What is the G in g spot?
    How do you know if you think about sex too much?

    Comment by Lisa | August 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Sorry, I just found this.

      They are all added to my upcoming answers segment!

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 7, 2010 | Reply

  31. […] hope that you people found my tips and advice to be informative and stimulating and that because of me you’ve had lots and lots of sexual […]

    Pingback by The Love God Says… « Zodi’s Blog | August 16, 2010 | Reply


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