The Love God Says…

Maybe he’s (or she’s) just not that into you.    

I hope that you people found my tips and advice to be informative and stimulating and that because of me you’ve had lots and lots of sexual monkey love stuff going on this week and you were singing my praises while you were orgasming, because that would be cool.    

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If you don't have anal with your shampoo you are boring and lazy.

Being that this is my second Love God post and because love is as serious as a bottle of Herbal Essences lodged in your rectum after getting carried away in the shower because the commercial made you feel that if you didn’t do crazy sex shit in the shower you were some kind of loser freak with no friends and ugly, greasy hair, so now you have a potentially dangerous and definitely humiliating situation to deal with… I’ll get right to the point.    

One of the most painful decisions that a couple must face is deciding whether to slowly crawl forward through the feces laced muck of a long term, committed relationship one torturous foot at a time or to break off the choking chains of fidelity, take an Herbal Essences improved shower and step out into the liberating world of bright, airy sunshine followed by lots and lots of sex with random strangers that will make vital internal pieces of your soul curl up and die but still be kind of fun and totally worth it.    

Sometimes your ego will get in the way and stop you from making the right decision and moving on. Well I’m here to tell your ego that it’s stupid and ugly and wrong. Chances are if you are unhappy then it’s not your fault, it’s the fault of the lazy, blind idiot that you call a partner. These are all signs that he’s (or she’s) just not that into you and it’s time to move on.    

– Too little sex. You need to understand that sexual dry patches are very normal in healthy relationships. These can usually be overcome with patience, store bought lubrication, a pharmacy bought erection and watching softcore porn together. But if it’s been months since your last tango and your advances are met with, “Sorry babe, I just masturbated” then you may be in trouble. If your advances are met with, “Sorry babe, I’m about to masturbate” then the fat lady has already sung. Or is about to sing. Especially if your girlfriend is obese and vocally gifted during self induced orgasms.        

-Too much sex. If he’s constantly nagging you to let his friends ‘have a go.’ 

-When you bought the crack and still didn’t receive the promised fellatio.    

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"But you promised."

-Passive Aggression. This is one of the most common ways that an introverted-intuitive-feeling-perceiving, type b personality will express their unspoken but highly sought after desire for you to get the fuck out of their house. Sometimes it’s minor passive aggression like ‘accidentally’ selling your brand new set of Taylor Made golf clubs at the garage sale. Sometimes it’s more obvious like that one time when you were doing all the yard work that she had been nagging you to do for the last 3 weeks while she cooked Sunday dinner only when you sat down to eat you noticed that while she had in fact, cooked an elaborate 5 course meal, she only made, like, two tablespoons of each dish and when you calmly inquired, “What the fucking fuck?” she coolly replied, “Oh, I didn’t know you were hungry dickhead.”              

-When they sleep with your bosses and coworkers under the guise of procuring you a raise and you still didn’t get one.      

-If after three years of an office romance you still haven’t had a kiss or shared a meal alone together. The chances are that your partner doesn’t even know that they’ve been in a committed relationship for the last three years which also means that they have probably cheated on you numerous times with multiple people. Do you really want to continue your relationship with a stupid, slutty partner? I thought not.    

– When your partner refuses to lift the restraining order and your advances are met with pepper spray and throat punches.    

– The last and most dangerous is Jesus Christ. The man is a playa. Even though Jesus himself has a pure heart and only the best of intentions he has inadvertently broken up more happy homes than internet porn and secret gay lives combined. I’ve worked up a simple, easy to use guide to determine if Jesus is ‘tapping that ass’ that you used to call home.    

1-     Has your spouse been conspicuously absent from the pukey, hungover bed on Sunday mornings? And now that you think about it, wasn’t she even more conspicuously absent from the weekly Saturday night ‘Strips Clubs are Funner with Blow’ outing?    

2-     Has she been leaving her old, sexy clothes in the closet and buying new, conservative, yet still slightly tacky outfits that tend to feature pleated, ankle length skirts and pearl buttoned tops with weird hats and hidous make-up?    

3-     Has she been finding excuses not to go to the Golden Calf Café on Sacrifice night?    

4-     Is there a little wooden, factory produced painting thingy with footprints and a bunch of squiggly lines now hanging in your bathroom or sitting room?    

5-     Are her eyes all shiny and sparkly now even though you just looked at your stash of meth and it was still in the same place and none was even missing?    

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Does your partner look like this? Oh damn. Sorry.

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If you answered yes to two or more of these questions then I hate to be the one to tell you but it’s all over and she’s with J-man now. She’s got the Holy Spirit going wild all up inside her and she’s not likely coming back from that trip anytime soon.   

You have only two choices; convert or divorce. There will be no negotiation, trust me.         

I hope this has been helpful. I still need questions about relationships, love, drug smuggling or sex for the next Love God post.